To do all over again...or not
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To do all over again...or not
I need some guidance from you all. AFter what was supposed to be a wonderful weekend on the river, my A has left. Our situation, not married, living together. WE've been friends for 7 years, living together 2. After spending 2 days with him, drunk, after he spent the last of our money, while I had gone for a walk, I lost it. I look back now and should have handled things differently, but I am not perfect and he p***ed me off. So, he left, let some drunk guy that he had only known for 12 hours drive his car 90 miles back to town, then drove his drunk self (DL suspended and all) to his parents house. I talked to him briefly yesterday, told him I wouldn't talk to him of he was going to yell and be angry, so he hung up. I guess he is supposed to be coming by tonight to get some of his things.
I could get him back if I wanted to. I know what to say to get him. I'm not sure that I want to. However, I do know that I don't want him to realize that he is sick and needs help. I don't want to see him drown himself. He is uneducated about what this disease is and does. I had planned to show him "THe Merry-go-roung Play" this weekend and didn't get a chance.
So here it is, my big choice. I could just walk away now. WHo would choose to stay? Who would choose to go on this way? Who would choose this struggle? And why? We have no children, not married. I could be free. I don't need him for anything. SO why isn't it easy for me to just walk away. Why do I feel that he will never see if I can't guide him. His parents have done nothing for the nearly 10 years he's been an A. THey enable him.
Our friends want to help. They want him to get better. What can they do? What can they to stop enabling him?
I know that I am new here and I hope I don't sound like a complete idiot, but it seems from the Merry-go-round play that if those who currently enable him, stop enabling, this could make a difference. What can they do?
I was just going to write...I hoped that... I can't do that. I can't hope and wish for things. I can't hope and wish that we could all pull together and help him.
Is he so alone to do this? Does he really have to do everything on his own? Can't we try? Can't we try to get to him somehow? Can't we do anything to make him see that we care about him so much that we want him to stop killing himself and have a life of happiness? Or is our only option to sit back and wait, while he gets worse and worse, and wait for him to see?
Just for today...I want to curl up in a ball because I hate this disease.
Sorry for such a downer. But I need to know if there is hope, real hope, not something that I fanticize.
Thanks for listening.
Kristen
I could get him back if I wanted to. I know what to say to get him. I'm not sure that I want to. However, I do know that I don't want him to realize that he is sick and needs help. I don't want to see him drown himself. He is uneducated about what this disease is and does. I had planned to show him "THe Merry-go-roung Play" this weekend and didn't get a chance.
So here it is, my big choice. I could just walk away now. WHo would choose to stay? Who would choose to go on this way? Who would choose this struggle? And why? We have no children, not married. I could be free. I don't need him for anything. SO why isn't it easy for me to just walk away. Why do I feel that he will never see if I can't guide him. His parents have done nothing for the nearly 10 years he's been an A. THey enable him.
Our friends want to help. They want him to get better. What can they do? What can they to stop enabling him?
I know that I am new here and I hope I don't sound like a complete idiot, but it seems from the Merry-go-round play that if those who currently enable him, stop enabling, this could make a difference. What can they do?
I was just going to write...I hoped that... I can't do that. I can't hope and wish for things. I can't hope and wish that we could all pull together and help him.
Is he so alone to do this? Does he really have to do everything on his own? Can't we try? Can't we try to get to him somehow? Can't we do anything to make him see that we care about him so much that we want him to stop killing himself and have a life of happiness? Or is our only option to sit back and wait, while he gets worse and worse, and wait for him to see?
Just for today...I want to curl up in a ball because I hate this disease.
Sorry for such a downer. But I need to know if there is hope, real hope, not something that I fanticize.
Thanks for listening.
Kristen
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Riverrat,
Look at what I am going to tell you~ I know there will be others that are going to say the same thing.
The hardest part about this disease for US is LETTING GO.
The hardest part about this disease for US is LETTING GO.
The hardest part about this disease for US is LETTING GO.
No, I didn't mess up, I typed that 3 times. It truly is the most difficult part in all of this. I have learned that...and am still learning how to do that EVERY day.
Don't beat yourself up for not reacting to the argument the right way, for one thing another arguement would have happened, it would have just been a matter of time, and unless you have learned to let go of him and his disease, you would have still reacted in the same way.
Enabling doesn't help an A at all, it helps them to get worse in their disease. You can't change his family or friends, or show them the right way to handle him or react to him, maybe encourage them to go to a meeting.
Out of all of your questions in your post, I didn't see you ask what you could do for yourself? There are so many things you can do for you, and thats who I care about. Your A can take you back, and everything be ok, but as long as he is using and drinking things will not change and you cant make him better.
YOU CAN-
-Get some education about the disease
-Go to meetings
-Find a supportive group of people to lean on when your feeling down.
-Post Here
-Get your nails done, go shopping, take a nap, do your favorite things.
-slow down, breathe,watch a good movie.
Keep coming back...
We care
Look at what I am going to tell you~ I know there will be others that are going to say the same thing.
The hardest part about this disease for US is LETTING GO.
The hardest part about this disease for US is LETTING GO.
The hardest part about this disease for US is LETTING GO.
No, I didn't mess up, I typed that 3 times. It truly is the most difficult part in all of this. I have learned that...and am still learning how to do that EVERY day.
Don't beat yourself up for not reacting to the argument the right way, for one thing another arguement would have happened, it would have just been a matter of time, and unless you have learned to let go of him and his disease, you would have still reacted in the same way.
Enabling doesn't help an A at all, it helps them to get worse in their disease. You can't change his family or friends, or show them the right way to handle him or react to him, maybe encourage them to go to a meeting.
Out of all of your questions in your post, I didn't see you ask what you could do for yourself? There are so many things you can do for you, and thats who I care about. Your A can take you back, and everything be ok, but as long as he is using and drinking things will not change and you cant make him better.
YOU CAN-
-Get some education about the disease
-Go to meetings
-Find a supportive group of people to lean on when your feeling down.
-Post Here
-Get your nails done, go shopping, take a nap, do your favorite things.
-slow down, breathe,watch a good movie.
Keep coming back...
We care
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
River, Bonbon said it best. She is right, the hardest part of this disease is letting go. I am still struggling after 18 years of marriage and 4 months in the program. Yes it is hard, but letting go is necessary. I am in the process of letting go of my husband. It is the hardest thing I have tried to do, I haven't been successful yet but I am trying. Trying to let go. I agree with Bonbon, start thinking about yourself. I love the Alanon meeting I go to once a week. I also look forward to posting here. Keep coming back here, its great. Take care.....
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Riverrat
Ditto to everything Bonbon said. I just want to add that if you read past posts, she has been where you are and today she is getting it together with recovery.
You can't change him, his friends, his family or anyone on the face of this earth. But you can change yourself. When you are hurting like you are now, it is very difficult to get motivated to do anything helpful. Just stand up and do SOMETHING, go to meetings - they may save your life, read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and do something nice for yourself - you're worth it.
If a new man came along tomorrow, and acted like your A does, you would RUN to the nearest exit. The only difference is broken dreams, but new dreams await you in recovery.
God Bless
Ditto to everything Bonbon said. I just want to add that if you read past posts, she has been where you are and today she is getting it together with recovery.
You can't change him, his friends, his family or anyone on the face of this earth. But you can change yourself. When you are hurting like you are now, it is very difficult to get motivated to do anything helpful. Just stand up and do SOMETHING, go to meetings - they may save your life, read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and do something nice for yourself - you're worth it.
If a new man came along tomorrow, and acted like your A does, you would RUN to the nearest exit. The only difference is broken dreams, but new dreams await you in recovery.
God Bless
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Chicago
Posts: 175
Riverratt...
I hear you...........I have no kids with my A...he is my second A!!! I have to let go too...I know it is the ONLY way I can be me again.
It soooooooooo hard.....this is a great place to feel better...everyone here is on your side.
Take care!
Love, Kitty <img border="0" alt="[Hey Kitty]" title="" src="graemlins/../graemlins/heykitty.gif" />
I hear you...........I have no kids with my A...he is my second A!!! I have to let go too...I know it is the ONLY way I can be me again.
It soooooooooo hard.....this is a great place to feel better...everyone here is on your side.
Take care!
Love, Kitty <img border="0" alt="[Hey Kitty]" title="" src="graemlins/../graemlins/heykitty.gif" />
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Riverrat,
I really identified with your questions, Can't we try? Does he have to do it all alone? Etc. That's exactly how I feel. I also feel if I had some disease I would want someone to try to help me even if I refused it. However, here's the key and this is what I've learned from 12 step work -- you can try to help, it's only natural to want to help a loved one. But if you find yourself saying the same thing over and over or trying to interfere in the same way over and over, you need to realize it's not working. Try once or twice to satisfy yourself that you did try, but if it doesn't work, realize that the only thing you really can change is yourself. Also, I've had to learn that my trying to talk it over with my A over and over again is really a sign of my trying to control him and make him see things my way, which is not a good thing. I have no control over the A, so it is a waste of my time and energy. Better to spend it on someone I do have control over, myself. This is something I struggle with every single day.
I really identified with your questions, Can't we try? Does he have to do it all alone? Etc. That's exactly how I feel. I also feel if I had some disease I would want someone to try to help me even if I refused it. However, here's the key and this is what I've learned from 12 step work -- you can try to help, it's only natural to want to help a loved one. But if you find yourself saying the same thing over and over or trying to interfere in the same way over and over, you need to realize it's not working. Try once or twice to satisfy yourself that you did try, but if it doesn't work, realize that the only thing you really can change is yourself. Also, I've had to learn that my trying to talk it over with my A over and over again is really a sign of my trying to control him and make him see things my way, which is not a good thing. I have no control over the A, so it is a waste of my time and energy. Better to spend it on someone I do have control over, myself. This is something I struggle with every single day.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Blufan about said it all...try what you can but when it doesn't work....pay attention....it is time to stop. Insanity is trying to do do the same things over and over with the same results.
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Thank you all for you repsonses. I do feel that I have to try. It's is too hard for me to just let go RIGHT NOW (after only 2 days) and give up. He has TALKED about seeking counseling etc. I hope that he will continue to do that.
I went home last night and read exerpts from Courage to Change, the first and only Alanon material I have. It does help me. I have decided to keep a journal and need to look for help in working the steps. Is there a workbook available or something???
I have a hard time with Letting go and letting god (my higher power), because my relationship with him is weak. I am working on that. But it also gives me comfort to pray that his higher power is watching over him, guiding him, protecting him. I have to remember that this is in the hands of my higher power and he will show me the way.
THank you all for listening and giving me your support. Yesterday I felt so down, so hopeless, broken. Today I am trying to remember that only I can make myself feel better.
I will get the codependancy book and hope to get some help going through the steps.
Just for today...
Riverrat
I went home last night and read exerpts from Courage to Change, the first and only Alanon material I have. It does help me. I have decided to keep a journal and need to look for help in working the steps. Is there a workbook available or something???
I have a hard time with Letting go and letting god (my higher power), because my relationship with him is weak. I am working on that. But it also gives me comfort to pray that his higher power is watching over him, guiding him, protecting him. I have to remember that this is in the hands of my higher power and he will show me the way.
THank you all for listening and giving me your support. Yesterday I felt so down, so hopeless, broken. Today I am trying to remember that only I can make myself feel better.
I will get the codependancy book and hope to get some help going through the steps.
Just for today...
Riverrat
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello Riverrat!
Melanie Beattie has also written a "Codependents Guide to the 12 Steps" that may be helpful.
Please remember that letting go and giving up are not equivalent. Letting go simply means that you stop trying to make changes in someone else. You release the illusion of control. It doesn't mean he cannot change. People can and do at all stages of addiction. But it is their decision, their inspiration, their desire, their conviction that makes it happen. These are not things you can lend to another person no matter how much you love them or how much potential you see. In my desire to help Dino, I have become positively encyclopedic on the subject of recovery. But the strides he has made he has made on his own. The pushing I did made him stubborn. The flaws I pointed out made him defensive. The only time the info I had ever helped was when he came to me and asked. Even then it was often something he just chewed on and decided to spit out later.
Letting go means stepping out of their addiction and out of their recovery. It doesn't have to mean you stop believing recovery is possible, just that you acknowledge that it is not in your hands. And that is the first step in your own recovery. No one can tell you if you need to end your association with him in order to keep recovering. We can only tell you that you and he are separate entities, and that living in his addiction with him is not the way to peace of mind.
Hugs!
Smoke
Melanie Beattie has also written a "Codependents Guide to the 12 Steps" that may be helpful.
Please remember that letting go and giving up are not equivalent. Letting go simply means that you stop trying to make changes in someone else. You release the illusion of control. It doesn't mean he cannot change. People can and do at all stages of addiction. But it is their decision, their inspiration, their desire, their conviction that makes it happen. These are not things you can lend to another person no matter how much you love them or how much potential you see. In my desire to help Dino, I have become positively encyclopedic on the subject of recovery. But the strides he has made he has made on his own. The pushing I did made him stubborn. The flaws I pointed out made him defensive. The only time the info I had ever helped was when he came to me and asked. Even then it was often something he just chewed on and decided to spit out later.
Letting go means stepping out of their addiction and out of their recovery. It doesn't have to mean you stop believing recovery is possible, just that you acknowledge that it is not in your hands. And that is the first step in your own recovery. No one can tell you if you need to end your association with him in order to keep recovering. We can only tell you that you and he are separate entities, and that living in his addiction with him is not the way to peace of mind.
Hugs!
Smoke
Guest
Posts: n/a
Thanks Smoke! I'm happy to hear that I can let go with giving up. That is very comforting. Thank you all here. I am planning a trip to the library to look for the books on codependancy and the 12 steps.
You guys are great. I'm so glad to be here. It's like getting hugs.
Thank you all!
Hugs back to you
Just for today...I will let go and let god
You guys are great. I'm so glad to be here. It's like getting hugs.
Thank you all!
Hugs back to you
Just for today...I will let go and let god
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