Blossom717

When you go to church by yourself and someone asks "why doesn't A come?"

At family functions, friendly get togethers and even work events, I always am hearing "why didn't he want to come?"

I struggle with this. Part of me wants to make an excuse. Part of me wants to come right out and say "he hungover" "he wants to drink so he stayed home" "he's too busy being an alcoholic".

I don't know how to answer this anymore. Now I just change the subject or shrug. If I lie, then I feel like I'm enabling him, helping him and I don't want to. If I tell the truth I get that strange look of pity/embarrassment/disrespect.

What do you say?

FeelingGreat

It's not their business really. You don't have to answer for him and being noncommittal sounds like a good strategy. I guess you're not comfortable with the questions, but why is that?

Pia

I use to say when we were together " He had other things planned" but now I say "Were not together anymore and walk off" especially if not so close people are asking. .

Bullfrog

I struggled with that, too. If you start telling the truth, you have to face a lot of hard facts about your life.

unsureoffuture

I too struggle with that. I just say he's at home doing laundry, projects, work on the computer etc when in reality it's home drinking. Sometime I have said, he just didnt feel like coming today. It's tough because deep down we wish they would want to come and participate in life, but that bottle has such a strong hold on them. One of the many losses of living with an A.

I just continue on and interact and enjoy myself regardless of whether or not he is there. I have learned to be independant and happy all on my own.

lillamy

I struggled a lot with that. In retrospect, I know it's a question of concern -- but in the midst of it, for me, it felt like people prying and putting me on the spot. In church, I just used to say "he doesn't go to church" and when people asked "is he not a believer?" I would answer "I think you should ask him these questions" and changed the subject.

At parties and other events, I simply said "he didn't want to come" and leave it at that. Anyone who had met AXH knew that he was a grumpy old fart so it wasn't like anyone was heartbroken when he didn't show up...

ladyscribbler

In the beginning I made excuses, then in my angry days I told the truth- he's drunk/hungover/spent the night in jail. Then I just started telling the nosy nellies to ask him if they wanted to know.
We've actually talked about this in my Alanon meeting. The difference between someone looking for gossip and someone who actually cares how another person is doing. Most of us can tell the difference. Everyone doesn't need to know your business (or his), but it can be a great relief to confide in someone who is actually concerned for your well-being and it is a good way to build your support network.

Live

I, like others, would answer that they would have to ask him.
Good way to put a stop to the questions.

Worried0810

I would always say that he was working or that he was working later on so he had to rest. And then eventually, it got to the stage where I stopped going out (with or without him) because I got tired of answering those questions!
Right now though, I get people who ask how he's doing without knowing that we've separated, and then that leads to more awkwardness......but it feels good when they turn round and say that I can do better!

aasharon90

The "alcoholic" is ill, sick in mind, body
and soul. There is help for those that
suffer with addiction. A solution that can
give them their lives back.

When someone is sick, we pray for them,
we suggest physicians to see, programs
of recovery to teach about addiction and
offer them a program of recovery to guide
them to help not drink each day at a time.

dandylion

Blossom---I heard this approach somewhere, recently (wish I could remember wher?).

Say back to them--gently, and softly--"If you will forgive me for not answering--I will forgive you for asking". (almost as if you are sharing a confidence with them). I think this is a fabulous way to handle a difficult question without being hostile--and, yet, not having to answer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you think,,,,?

dandylion

littlesister1

I would tell them

"Ask him"

changeneeded

I used to be so embarrassed when he wouldn't come, now-- I'm kind of uptight when he does come. It gets to a point where people don't ask anymore-- is that good or bad? I don't know.

I would in the beginning say he is working, he just got home from work as I was leaving, he is out of town.... whatever I could.

Church-- sometimes people ask, but it has come to the point where they don't ask at church anymore either.

Actually- last Christmas day this did happen. He was waaaaaay to hung over from HIS family party the night before, which we all attended. It was like the 3rd year in a row he was that bad, the first two he made a weak attempt to show and then leave. So this last year I told him he wasn't going. Texted my Parents: "*** is hungover and not coming. Please do not talk to me about this today, I want to have a good time. Don't worry about me in the future either, I know what I am doing." I went to Christmas and not a word was said.

Hurt like a mother-- to be honest with you. But, now we are on the same page without me having talk about it. Trust me, my mother is a very well intentioned , nosey person. She tried but I just had to say.... "please!"

Mags1

Not sure what my husband used to say when I declined going to family and friends functions, I lied to him but he knew why, I wanted to get drunk, on my own, I'm ashamed to say.

It is all behind me now.