Synfull Vyxun

Day 5, I have deleted all my friends off facebook, all I have left are family and all I will post are my coursework pictures.
I have wiped my computer, so I can start again, without anything of the cheating ex', A aunty or A mothers sh*t, other than the proof I have to keep myself sane.
I know what I have seen heard and felt, they can tell me I am making it up all they want, they can stay in denial, I know what happened and I am not ever going to be like them!!!!
And I am going to send dad the worst pictures of A mothers diary and text messages so he can try and understand why I have so much hate for her at the minute, maybe he will back off me a bit then, hopefully.
The things she has said about me (and to me) is disgusting, no child should ever have to endure this, her father did the same to her and she left and changed her name, never looking back.
Now I want to do the same, but cannot when I have my dad on my back telling me to contact mother. I want nothing to do with the lying, manipulative, hypocritical, low life, cheating, disgusting scum she is. She is lower than my cheating ex in my eyes at the minute, and that is saying something. No child should feel like that about the woman who carried her inside for 9 months and then brought her into this world full of amazing prospects, only to be slave to this woman and never live a proper healthy, happy life.

I will be silent no more, even if it comes back and bites me in the bum, I need at least one person, hopefully my father, to see why I am so mad, to tell me it is all going to be ok, to tell me I am not fat and crazy, a psychotic loser like my mother told me always, I want someone to love me and show it, I want to feel loved, I don't want material things, I have nothing from my childhood, I have nothing now, I want nothing from anyone but love and happiness. I am so alone then what is the point of being here, I just seem to p*ss people off and they blame me for everything.
Maybe I should just go where they can't find me, keep them all happy.

happybeingme

I am sorry to read your pain. But, there are some things I dont understand. Why get rid of your friends on facebook and keep your family when it is your family that is causing you such pain?
Just because your mum is dragging your dad into this doesnt mean you need to as well. Showing him your proof may only cause pain and resentment.

It is my feeling that when dealing with family dysfunction wanting someone to give you love and happiness all you are going to get is pain and saddness.

If I were in your shoes I would take a break from all family contact. No emails no facebook. I would also go to the library and get a copy of Melody Beattie's (spelling may be wrong) book Codepndent No More. It was a huge help for me

Kialua

Emotional detachment worked for me. I just don't care what my family does or thinks. I have my own life and if I choose to include them I do, if I don't want to I don't. My family got used to this because I had done it since I was out of my home at 18. Wanting my family to be respectful and treat me correctly is really a form of trying to control them and their actions, which of course is hopeless. I can't really control anyone but myself, and that is sometimes very hard too. Once I understood that it was a control issue it became much easier to emotionally let go. This article explains it pretty good, but there are many books about it:

DailyOM - Codependence and the Power of Detachment: How to Set Boundaries and Make Your Life Your Own by Karen Casey

"Fortunately, when we are willing, it becomes possible to make the decision to let go of others. The result is gratifying. Meeting rooms all over the world are filled with men and women who have made this decision. We cannot make so dramatic a change alone. The hope that Harry has now is the hope we can all be blessed with when we join with others who have traveled a path similar to our own, as he has done. Then, like harry, we can experience the peace that we deserve."

Synfull Vyxun

I know sounds silly doesn't it, but there is a method to my madness.

All the friends I have on facebook are either from the pubs me and mother lived in and ran, or they are my friends from my past, who now only seem to want me for sex and partying. Well I am going through a really rough time, I don't want to be used for sex and a good time, the customers from the pubs, tell my parents everything, the problem with facebook is you can be happy as pie but you say one little thing and the world thinks you are gonna slit ya throat, even if it is only a nice quote or something, so go running straight back to my mother, If I put up a picture of a nice looking lady with dreads (as I am loving dreadlocks at the minute and need inspiration) then they go and tell mother I must be a lesbian. Many things get misconstrued and taken the completely wrong way. When I do say something I mean I get in trouble for it too. I also have customers from the pubs messaging me when mother has fallen or been caught sleeping around or something else, I don't want to know, this is how I developed agoraphobia.

Don't get me wrong I am not completely alone now, I have my friend scott, who really helps me, but he himself lost his mother when he was very young, so I feel like I am rubbing in the fact I still have a mother, as much as I despise her at the minute.

but he has helped me a lot, he listens and doesn't tell me what to do other than telling me I need to get all the bad people out of my life.

I have a couple of friends from Ireland and a couple of cousins I wanted to keep in touch with and a couple of friends here in Oz, so have given them my email address, and still have them on instagram, so they can see my life in pictures, but facebook is more hassle than it is worth.
So yesterday, I sent mother a message and some pictures of my coursework, and today I am telling her I cannot keep in contact it hurts too much. I spent 2 hours!!! yes hours in the shower crying yesterday morning, and I am not doing that everytime she sends a message. I still don't know how to get my father to leave me alone, I dont want to talk to my mother, she disgusts me, and they say I shouldnt send him the disgusting proof I have, well what do I do?????

Synfull Vyxun

Yes I agree I need to detach from my family, but they will not let me, this is why my dad says he lives 12 thousand miles away, they love to involve everyone, they have stopped coming around for awhile now and Im hoping once I get a job they will call before just popping round, This is my aunt and uncle I am talking about, my father only rings like once a moth from England, and the mother has only just contacted me. So I don't have to get rid of too many people, the worst is my dad, as he feels for the mother and says if it was the other way round he would be trying to get in contact with me, but he didn't do and say those disgusting things about me, he is all I have left, even though we have never been really close as mother has always told me the bad negative side of everyone, I look at people through her eyes and am desperately trying to stop.
I feel like I have been brainwashed and the only way to forget the lies and BS is getting hit by a bus and developing amnesia. It doesn't get better or easier, I now have to cut contact with A mother again, and I am scared I will do it the wrong way again, as usual. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
I will look into this book thanks though

tromboneliness

Exactly. It's the FAMILY who are toxic, not the friends! That's why I've nuked my extended family (with a few exceptions, e.g. my cousin the ostracized lesbian, and another cousin, who lived with my Dad for a few months when he was 90 because she needed a place to stay -- he drove her so nuts, she moved out despite the free rent in a big house in an upscale suburb).

If you're going to go no contact, go NO CONTACT. If the few you want to hear from won't separate from the toxic sludge, that's unfortunate, but they may have to go on the silent list as well....

T