I'm lost - a horrible family situation

Old 06-01-2014, 11:34 AM
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I'm lost - a horrible family situation

Hi all,

It's been a long time since I posted. My husband is the A; he's in recovery and we're doing ok. We're making things work. It's not him, but I just didn't know where else to turn, I'm so sick with what just happened.

Last night, my sister and her husband of 16 years had me over - she's down the block, for a drink and they had a fire going in their yard. Our families are very close, we are at each other's places almost daily, kids play etc.

She was tired and went to bed early, and my BIL and I stayed up for a few more drinks. And then.......HE MADE A PASS AT ME.

I was dumbfounded. Just dumbfounded. I still can't believe it. I don't know what to think. I was shocked and said what the hell? He said he was attracted to me. Nothing even remotely in my wildest dreams could have predicted that moment to me - there has never been an inkling of anything like that, ever.

I just upped and walked away, and started bawling on the way home. I woke my husband out of a deep sleep, a drunk and crying mess and it took him about an hour to calm me enough to sleep.

To me, this is life-changing. Things are forever altered. I mean, I can't even function today under the weight of this. My sis and I speak sometimes several times a day - we watch each other's kids and even work closely together. I mean, even if I wanted to I couldn't hide it. And why would I - I mean I can't not tell her. And then her life will be irrevocably altered. How can we ever get over this - I mean even if it were a drunken mistake how can I ever look him in the eye, and it also likely means the relationship with my sis is done - how will she ever be able to look at me and not be reminded what her husband did?

I just want to crawl out of my skin and I can't. I'm in agony over this. My husband and I are just in absolute shock. I just needed to get this out anonymously, I can't tell anyone else. What the hell am I going to do?

My god in a few short weeks we're all going on vacation together with some other family members - how can that even happen??????? I can't even process this.

The phone has rang several times - we were supposed to go there for coffee this morning and I'm guessing it was her calling, not him. I even had a sickening thought that maybe he doesn't remember, which would even be worse, although I just can't imagine he was that wasted. We weren't heaving them back, at least I wasn't, but we're not heavy drinkers especially me because of my husband. And just earlier in the night we were talking about my husband and his difficulty with not drinking and being in social situations, and my BIL had been saying my husband is like a brother. Like I just don't even get where in his brain it was even ok to do that knowing how close we all are? Even if he felt it, my god, bury it! Take it to your effin grave before crossing that line......

Thanks for virtually listening.
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Old 06-01-2014, 11:49 AM
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silkspin, congratulations to your husband on his sobriety and standing by you on this.

How I would probably handle it would be to go over there with my husband and say directly to him, "last night when you made a pass at me, it made me feel.... (sick, nauseous, angry, etc.). It's completely not okay and being drunk doesn't make it excusable." Yes, with your sister present.

Putting a light directly on problems is necessary. State facts.

What could make things better from here? Counseling for him, for all of you? When drinking is involved, it could be best to take that out of your lives for a time and with self-work, see how things go.

If you can push for your BIL to get counseling right now, that would be great. As with recovery of anyone, look at your BIL's actions, not his words. After such a huge thing like this, his actions need to be just as huge towards getting therapy and serious help, if he truly wants to help to heal this with all of you. It sounds like maybe he has a drinking problem and/or other issues going on. Try to look beyond the immediate problem to giving some kind of solution. Whether he agrees, whether your sister believes you, that is up to them. Stay true to yourself.

The only person you can really do anything for is yourself, so that's where I'd be heading -- self-work. Have you ever had individual counseling? ((((hugs)))
Can you cancel the vacation, or can they or you and your husband go with other friends?
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Old 06-01-2014, 12:09 PM
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I would confront him also, but alone, without your husband or your sister. I would tell him how it made you feel, like keepingthefaith said. And I would also tell him that was his only free pass. And if it ever happened again, tell him you will go to your sister. I don't excuse his behavior, but we all make huge mistakes. I don't know if he was drunk or not by your post, but he had been drinking. And I don't know that he needs counseling for being a horny old man. He took his shot, let it go. I know that won't be easy. Blessings.
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Old 06-01-2014, 12:16 PM
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It may have been because he was drinking, but none of us have drinking issues except for my husband. We are all moderate to low drinkers. And we've done this a million times, hang out for drinks, fire in the summer, I mean a million times.

I know my sister has been insecure about BIL a few times - he is a good looking guy, and sis has occasionally felt awkward about situations such as a twitter follower emailing him, that sort of stuff. But there's never been anything even remotely like this. We're all in our mid forties with young kids, mostly we stay home, have family dinners, friends over. But now this makes me wonder about her previous worries. I just can't shut off my brain.

I feel he's handed me a pile of hot, steaming sh\t and now I'm holding it. She's trying to call me again. I can't even bring myself to answer - I'm so scared. Maybe he told her? Maybe it's like nothing happened? I've shut myself in my house and my husband took my daughter out to just let me be. I don't think anything can happen until kids are all in bed anyhow. Regardless of counselling for him, things are forever ruined. If not even for them, for us with them.

Not sure about the vacation. I guess it's too soon to even know how things will unfold. I'm just sick to my stomach and still reeling in disbelief that life has changed INSTANTLY. Jesus, I thought that maybe my marriage would end when things got rough, I never imagined this.
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Old 06-01-2014, 12:23 PM
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Raider, I don't think I can hide this from my sis. Physically. She will know something is terribly wrong in my face. Just even not responding to her calls today. I don't even know if I can speak with her I'm so anxious. I can't just pretend it didn't happen. How can I walk into the living room and hang out? Sit and eat dinner with this huge elephant in the room?

We were drinking, but not in a ***** kind of way. I'd had a few glasses of wine, and I was going to leave on my final glass cuz the bottle was done (me and my sis had shared, I didn't have the whole thing). He offered me a cognac, and I was sipping that. I can't imagine he was blacked out crazy. He was functioning, putting wood on the fire, we were talking about family stuff - I mean it was ridiculously out of nowhere. But the bell can't be unrung. And I still can't believe that he acted on the impulse instead of just running fast - I mean did he think I would do something?????? Really??????? Is he just a secret effin pig and has been able to hide that for 16 years? In what alien universe could he ever think I would respond - I mean my sis and I are basically inseparable!!!!!!!!
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Old 06-01-2014, 12:25 PM
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Drunks can do stupid things. That's why alcohol can be so damaging. It's not always just the physical but the emotional as well. I agree with Raider. Tell him this will never happen again. Then don't give him the opportunity.
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Old 06-01-2014, 12:27 PM
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well she just left me a voice mail. Chipper, wondering why we didn't come by for coffee, and her daughter wants mine to come over and play. What a steaming mess. Either he's acting normal, or doesn't remember. I just want to crawl under the covers.
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Old 06-01-2014, 12:59 PM
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Unless he has been the drunk before and not remembered stuf the next day... he remembers and is hoping you won't say anything. If he acts normal he can say you are the one that was too drunk ... "it never happened!"

Please tell your sister. Tell her alone just you and her, otherwise she will think you've been telling everyone but her, even tho its just your husband, she will think others know. That way she can decide herself.

Trust me!! A friend tried to tell me in a real pansy a@@ way years ago and it actually never dawned on me what she was saying till recently. I wish I would have picked up on it.

Tell her!!
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Old 06-01-2014, 01:19 PM
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silkspin---If it were me AND IT WAS BOTHERING ME AS MUCH AS IT IS BOTHERING YOU...I would let her in on it. I wouldn't make a bit deal about it..just tell her that you thought she would want to know. Then I would tell him that I had told her.

He may or may not remember it--but, keep in mind that he is almost certain to deny it. (that is why I would tell her first).

This kind of thing frequently happens with drunks (or people who are verrry drunk). It has happened to me on more than one occassion--over the years. Once, it was my boss's husband. At a Christmas party at their house for the entire staff. On the way down the small hall to the bathroom--he suddenly grabbed me and tried to kiss me!! And, he was a policeman. I pushed him away as hard as I could--and, said--"what in the hell are you doing--are you crazy?!" I didn't tell her--we weren't close and I didn't like her very much, anyway. I have actually never had it happen with anyone that was very close to me--like a sister or very best friend. If it had--I would tell them. I would want to know if it were MY husband!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am just letting you know my take on it.
It sounds l ike you are still somewhat "shocked" by this. To me, this is understandable.

This doesn't have to destroy the relationship between you and your sister. If you don't make a big deal about this---just let her decide how she wants to handle it. I would bet the m ilk money that she will not be surprised--that she already knows that he is not trustworthy in this area. He will probably never try this again, with you--whether he denies it or not.

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Old 06-01-2014, 01:21 PM
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This is obviously bothering you a lot, and that's probably as it should be, but if you are so close to your sister, you won't be able to keep it from her for long. She'll know something is wrong and what's she's thinking is wrong may be worse than what actually happened. Yes, he was wrong and he's a puke and what he did is disgusting, but I feel like your sister should be told. She deserves to know and then let the chips fall where they may.
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Old 06-01-2014, 01:32 PM
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Suki, I agree.

If you don't tell her, then maybe down the road she will resent that you did not.

I don't envy you, but if he is this way, it's probably going to happen again, with someone else. Your sister deserves to know, I think. I would want to know.

tough situation, for sure.
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Old 06-01-2014, 01:42 PM
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In a moment of weakness he made a pass at you. You declined- and nothing happened.

I think you are overly upset. It isnt a huge deal. 16 years and he makes one mis-step. and your world falls apart?
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Old 06-01-2014, 01:48 PM
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anykey---I respectfully point out that this is very close to one of our cultures strongest taboo's.
This is why such strong feelings are triggered.

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Old 06-01-2014, 01:50 PM
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Silkpin,

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this awful position.

I was in a similar situation many years ago. My husband (at the time) and I often spent time with my best girlfriend and her husband. Friday night pizza and cards. The kids all played. We had lots of fun. There was a time I remember when they stopped coming over for a while. Seemed odd. My husband would have something negative to say about my girlfriend when we discussed their absence . We moved on. Things returned to normal. Time passes and things change. We move out of state. I retain my friendship with my best friend. Husband (not an A) and I divorce. Only at that time, after the divorce, did she and others step up to tell me about the actions of my husband. He made a pass at her. She made it clear to me exactly what she felt would happen if she had told me at the time. I would have been crazy. I would have confronted my husband and that would give him the opportunity to deny it and who would I believe...my husband or my girlfriend? She felt that my loyalty would be to my husband and then that would be the end of our friendship.

I am grateful today that she was wise and valued our friendship.

I encourage you to stay on your side of the street. People are stupid sometimes. You are not responsible for his stupidity. What you are responsible for is your own perspective on the situation. You have a choice. There will be no winners here if you get involve. Maybe laugh it off as a joke.

Hugs!
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Old 06-01-2014, 01:59 PM
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Men are programmed to look at woman and to think about sex. This guy blurted out what he was thinking of. In one way she can be flattered that she has sex appeal- I know at my age, I am.

I understand that it is hard to get over. The big thing is- she now has to make sure her relationship with her sister is ok.

Get it out- that hey this mistep happened- it went no further- and the plan is to honor the marriage vows. There is no plan to act on sex, or anything even close to it.

She did the right thing- and for that- I dont think she should be punished.

Men are like hound dogs and the species could die out of the drive was not there. Then factor in that he had booze. DING DING DING!

She should not be punished for doing the right thing
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Old 06-01-2014, 02:00 PM
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Yes, anykey, it falls apart. I mean, she has confided previously about being uncertain about a few shady situations - nothing overt that she mentioned, but enough for her to have some suspicion/ insecurity. Maybe it's just who I am, but 16 years, and this is not just a mis-step. We are all together a lot. How can i just sit there and feel he harbours secret feelings for me - that doesn't make me comfortable. And it's my sister, how can I know that if he did this with me, he's not doing other things behind her back. I don't want her to lead a life built on a lie. I also feel betrayed by him, who was someone I trusted.

It happened to me - spent 6 yrs with a guy and then he left me for another girl, and after a some people let slip (maybe they thought I knew) he had cheated. That was tough - I spent my time faithful to him and I could have rid myself of that relationship a lot sooner. I hated being kept in the dark.

It also happened that a highschool friend of my husband's did this with me, one drunken night. He tried to apologize the next day but it ruined the friendships. I never told her because we hadn't been close, but few years later, after kids, she found him in bed with a coworker. That was that.

She just came over. I told her. Some of you are right - she didn't collapse - maybe she knew on some level. Said she didn't blame me but left quickly saying she was going to get her kids and would call me later. She said I couldn't have not told her. Now, I wait. Thanks everyone.
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Old 06-01-2014, 02:18 PM
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I re-read this thread- and the thing the jumps out at me- is you should not be at any functions at your sisters where there is booze.

If you have a back yard cook out- keep the booze out of there.
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Old 06-01-2014, 02:47 PM
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I think you did the right thing. The thing about secrets is they do eventually always come out.
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Old 06-01-2014, 03:31 PM
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You say that you feel this is a burden, that he handed you a pile of steaming sh*t. So refuse to carry it.

Not to be rude - I'm sure you are a very attractive woman - but I've heard drunks make passes at people they would run from while sober. I tend to agree with any key that while for you this is huge and life changing, for him it may only have been booze talking.

I think I'd go over with my husband and say in a joking tone - "you'd better cut down on your drinking, bud - you were so plastered last night that you made a pass at me." Make him the butt of a joke, that way you hand the steaming pile of sh*t right back to him.
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Old 06-01-2014, 03:41 PM
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Sorry that you were put in this position. Now you have told her - nothing to do but wait. The best thing he could do is admit it, apologize to everyone, and do what he can to repair the damage.

However, someone that is gross enough to hit on their sister in law most likely ain't going to admit to it.
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