MAGW

Is anyone else reading this, or have experience with this approach in treatment? I am only starting chapter 3, it is interesting, sounds too good to be true, wondering what you guys think...

readerbaby71

I love this book. I especially like the explanation of what occurs in the addicted brain. It's helped me understand a lot about my own addictive, obsessive tendencies too. I've been reading a lot about CRAFT and the positive reinforcement aspect works. I learned a lot of the communication techniques in therapy, such as using "I" statements. I can't believe how my communication skills have improved in all areas of my life, not just with my partner. I find myself being more compassionate and looking at things from the other person's perspective before I open my mouth.

There are several threads on CRAFT in the Secular Connections for F&F board.

NEW! Secular Connections for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Woodeye

I just downloaded the book this morning and have read the first couple of chapters. Very intriguing so far. My wife leaves treatment in a couple of weeks so I'm hoping it will give me some useful tips. I'll add more as I read more.

jacrazz

I don't buy the "detach with love" or "waiting for them to hit bottom" theory. This book is really an eyeopener to me.

tabac210

"When AA doesn't work for you" Rational steps to recovery also a great one!

MAGW

Wow, I posted this a few hours ago and in the meantime found out my Xish ABF has been drinking consistently 24x7 except when he was with me. We only see each other on the weekends. I still don't know how he managed that. We both have kids, different ages, different lifestyles, live about 30 min apart, been together 4 years but not trying to blend families at this point doe many reasons. I felt for a month he had relapsed but was waiting for proof before accusing, he admitted it it two weeks ago. I haven't seen him since. I 'broke up' and tried no contact for a few days. It seemed to work better to be in contact, he had never been angry or abusive, I just didn't want it to ever get that way in life so was trying to protect myself and my kids with this boundary. So during contact I was very clear we were not together. Anyway, fast forward to reading this book and me getting my hopes up that maybe there is a different way, and maybe he could handle moderation with my support. But I didn't know he was drinking at work. So things are further along than I thought. Big balloon burst. Not sure how to be supportive but protected, need to keep reding book, but also open to input, I wasnt expecting this... He also has full custody of his 8 and 10 y.o., so much is at risk.

MAGW

So it sounds like the 24x7 started when I broke up; prior to that he was drinking but more controlled. He doesn't drive his kids; daycare and school are both in the neighborhood. And realistically though it sounds crazy he is high functioning and like I said, never angry or abusive, things don't fall trough the cracks. We are talking about treatment, he knows he can't keep it up. I am just not sure how to be supportive but not rescuing...

allforcnm

I was W-A-I-T-I-N-G for the book to come out because I heard it was in the works.. It didn't disappoint - I loved it. I was introduced to CRAFT by the doctor at my husbands rehab just over 2 years ago. I wish I had heard about it sooner and had implemented the approach when my husband was in active addiction. I think it would have possibly saved us from what we now call "our missing year" when we were separated and doing the detachment thing. Its my biggest regret... but I just didn't know. I learned the approach by working through the original CRAFT book: Get-Your-Loved-One-Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening: Robert J. Meyers, Brenda L. Wolfe.. and with the support of my therapist. If you are drawn to the concepts and ideas... then I recommend giving it a try.

I used the technique's of positive reinforcement, communication and they helped tremendously during my husbands early recovery when there can be a lot of stress and trials on the marriage. We actually grew closer, communicated more, and I felt good about what I was doing because it felt authentic to who I am. It also helped me deal with my own thoughts, feelings and emotions... look at myself in a new light and find understanding as to why I reacted the way I did in various situations. It was good for me, my husband, and our family. My husband just reached 2 years substance free in April. (He was addicted to pain meds, Xanax, coke)

I have been sharing articles on CRAFT in the Secular Family Forum. Craft is considered a secular program because its based on therapeutic, behavioral type methods. It allows you to bring religion in according to your own beliefs...but it is not dependent on any particular religious views... Think of it like working with your own therapist... they let you be who you are, believe what you do and it still works...same here.

I hope you keep reading and become inspired by the book. Most of all I hope it helps with your current situation. Thanks so much for sharing here. I smile every time someone posts about their discovery of Craft, or shares how the concepts make sense to them & they are excited to learn more. I wish everyone a positive experience like I have had.

MAGW

Thank you for all the comments and insight all force and others too - it seems to go against everything I have heard, so it feels like going out on a limb, (and not sure what my therapist will think) but I agree that it feels more authentic to who I am. This is a person I love and who has not been abusive, maybe It is worth a try to support him in this new way, our relationship is strong outside of the drinking. I tried to google local (pacific northwest) treatment or therapists for craft, but so far I haven't found anything, which is surprising. Need to go to bed before I stay up all night, thank you .

SoloMio

This looks great.. I did read "Getting Your Loved One Sober" by Robert Meyers, developer of the CRAFT system (looks like he wrote the forward of Beyond Addiction).

I found the CRAFT system to make a lot of sense, and it helped me to work harder on identifying destructive triggers, learn how to deal with them in the moment, and take the loving approach rather than confrontational approach.

It actually helped me change my "face" when I talk to AH about his drinking. Instead of the scowling, serious me, "I thought you weren't going to drink today!" I'm able to switch to the neutral, and even loving-smiling face, "Honey, I've changed my mind. I don't want to go to dinner tonight because I don't enjoy myself when you're drinking. Why don't we postpone this until tomorrow night?" As a result, we rarely get into arguments about his drinking--the change in my attitude definitely seems to defuse his defensive reactions.

However, I still have a long way to go with this approach, so I'm definitely going to get Beyond Addiction because I"m particularly interested in the self-care part.

Thanks for posting--I didn't know there was another CRAFT-based book out there.

jacrazz

Thats the tough part for me as well! I was talking to my sons counselor about this and how I want to be a supportive parent but not a rescuer....Long story short, the A will do what they want, no matter what we do. We then we got on the subject of "triggers". What a discovered that there is no such thing as "triggers" She made a good point to say "Guess what? LIFE IS A TRIGGER." Those words resonate with me! Its learning how to deal with life thats a problem. We are all addicted in one way or another, and it starts with a thought.......

Love this! Its not easy though... I asked My xabf why does he like to get us both riled up and he said "misery loves company"...I said go find someone else to drag in, not me...He is such a vampire!

MAGW

Great to wake up to more input, thanks guys. I told him he and the kids can come over today; I am not even sure how to interact as I haven't read enough. I know he won't be drinking so i'm not worried about that. But this is the one more chance thing I guess. He relapsed into heavy drinking when I broke up almost two weeks ago, so I feel like I want to try again under this new philosophy, and told him I had new reason for hope. He is motivated not to drink now because of this, I just don't know how far the new thing will take us. And since we don't live together I am not sure how effective I can be but I'm still afraid to have him move in with all this. I know the positive reinforcement of just having me around does effect him though. I am rambling hand didn't have enough coffee. Love the 'life is a trigger' so true; that's what's scary. And solo mio, you mentioned xabf but also reading CRAFT..., are you still in a friendship with xabf, or is it another loved one you are trying this with? Ok gotta shower...

healthyagain

I might try this approach. Although I have learned a lot here, and honestly, my life is great compared to 6 months ago, I am stuck at the moment.

SoloMio

No, I have no xabf.. just an AH of 36 years.. amazing how many years you can live together and still not know how to effectively communicate. But really, CRAFT has helped me frame my responses and my reactions quite a bit.

BlueChair

Heard where?

Ive only been learning about CRAFT for less than two months, but so far Im responding to it very positively. I heard about it here, but then I asked my counselor about it (shes from my husbands rehab, a non 12 step) and she said they give instruction there, she felt most of the way I had been handling things was based on Craft concepts and its the direction she had been taking me in our sessions without formally saying so. When I expressed interest, she said it would be healthy for me. I signed up over at Smart Recovery, ordered their family handbook, the Get Your loved one sober book (and not done with it yet, because Ive been treating it like a textbook I think). I want to read the Beyond Addiction book next. And I just signed up for online CRAFT classes given by the authors of the book through their center in NY.

The CRAFT stuff doesnt ask you to take away the natural negative consequences of addiction, it just says you dont have to detach and can use your relationship and communication to motivate and encourage recovery all while taking care of yourself. It makes sense to me.

Refiner

This isn't a joke? With everything we've been through and all the advice given on this board, this is not ENABLING?

BlueChair

" I dont want to go because I dont enjoy myself when your drinking." This sounds like an honest statement and it reinforces his drinking creates a negative consequence in that you (his wife) doesnt want to go, doesnt enjoy being in his company when he drinks. I think the catalyst is incentive. tomorrow they will go because he will choose not to drink, and they will have a good time. Reinforcing a positive behavior. Added benefit, you didnt scowl, yell, rage, insult, demean him. Im sure you then went about your business ! Thank you for sharing this example.

AnvilheadII

" I dont want to go because I dont enjoy myself when your drinking." This sounds like an honest statement and it reinforces his drinking creates a negative consequence in that you (his wife) doesnt want to go, doesnt enjoy being in his company when he drinks. I think the catalyst is incentive. tomorrow they will go because he will choose not to drink, and they will have a good time. Reinforcing a positive behavior. Added benefit, you didnt scowl, yell, rage, insult, demean him. Im sure you then went about your business ! Thank you for sharing this example.

and he gets to keep drinking...
and nothing changed.

fedup3

. . .and the disease progressed.

SoloMio

Your message is not lost on me