meggygoround30

Hi all,

I haven't been here in a while, mostly because I've been drinking and feel guilty about it. I know I'm not an alcoholic by any means, but not happy with the fact I've been drinking because I've been really emotional lately.

I miss my XAB sooo much it's excruciatingly hard to not give in and see him. I wish I was angry instead of sad. But honestly I was never really angry at him. In the moment I was, about the lies and the broken promises and the abuse. But really all I saw was a broken person in a lot of pain. I'm not saying it's an excuse to take your pain out on others but it broke my heart to see him like that. All I wanted was to take his pain away. Obviously I couldn't.

I moved out on April first with the intention of staying friends with him. I wanted to celebrate his milestones in sobriety. But then I realized I wouldn't be able to move on if I kept in touch with him. So I wrote him an email explaining why and he got all upset about it. That was a over a month ago.

Last night I got an email from him. All it said was "I saw this and thought of you. I'll get it for you with my next check" with a link to a sweatshirt. He was right, it was definitely my style. But I emailed him back and said there's no reason to get it for me. He emailed me back and said he just wanted to do something nice and that maybe we could meet for coffee because he's five months sober and doing really well. He wants to show me that. I emailed him back and told him congratulations, I will always care about him, but need to move forward.

It kills me because I am so vulnerable still. I know if I were to see him I would completely fall apart and be all emotional because I still truly deeply care for him. I'd love to hug him and tell him I'm proud of him. But if I ever do see him I want to be in a good place myself and right now I'm on the island of totally falling apart and a mess of tears. I'm trying to get my own life together. Be independent. Deal with the social anxiety that has held me back my entire life. I need to be strong. But then what if I see him, both of us doing well and I rethink being with him? Because that's NOT a possibility for me. Ever. I am waiting for a therapy appointment in a few weeks but they are very hard to get around my area, every six weeks or longer and I need more than that. I'm going to the DV group and talking individually to a case worker but they don't really deal with issues outside of DV. I need to see someone specifically for my social anxiety. Although she did call me to see how I was doing which was really nice, she works at the hot line. I hate this

CodeJob

Good to see here Meggy,

Sometimes when I falter, I read thru my earlier SR posts. Usually I see growth or I remember why I am struggling forward and not backwards.

How are things with your job?

Peace,

NYCDoglvr

Thank you for the wonderful post, you are a real power of example. A deep wise part of you knows that you both must move on now, he to recovery (AA sponsors advise no relationships in the first year because the emotional swings can lead us right back to a drink). He's feeling needy right now which is typical of someone newly sober, but the answer isn't a drink, another person, video games or more stuff. We (I'm sober 22 years) drank to fill up what's called the "God hole" and now it's time to find a Higher Power. Recovery takes years, it never ends. Right now he's the same person, only minus the alcohol. Most people don't reach a year of continuous sobriety.

We codependents must also grow and change so we don't keep choosing crippled alcoholics for relationships. We choose instead healthy people we can love and respect, not take care of. Alanon helped me a great deal to change the self-destructive codependent side of me that reached for pain instead of happiness.

Thanks for posting.