Raider

A lot of stuff you never paid attention to. My marriage, for instance, most of these years we both have been wasted. He has been sober since October, me only since February. It's different, not bad, just different. He is extremely quiet. Quite the opposite of me. We have long periods of silence because he is just not a talker. This has not bothered me in the past. Now it does. I've talked to him about it, but this is really the way he is, you can't change someone's personality. He doesn't show love the way I "expect"' but he does show it. He will go to five grocery stores to get me exactly the candy I want. He comes home and brings me stuff I love. He helps with housework. Does all the grocery shopping, and 99% of the errands. I cook, he does all the cleaning. I am trying to come to grips with the way it really is, not the way it was when you're wasted and don't care. This doesn't happen overnight. I don't even know what I'm asking here. I don't even know how I feel about it. Certainly I am not considering trading him in for a new model, what with all that breaking in crap you have to go through, ummm, no.

I'm not sure this is the finest part of sobriety. I don't know. I guess you need to accept who people are, and hopefully they accept you. I'm sure I am not the same sober. I wonder if I am a disappointment to him?

Who knows? I married a non-communicator. Anyone else understand me?

Ali2013

I understand, Raider. Your love language is possibly words of affection or physical. He shows you love by acts of service. Maybe the two of you could read the book and do the exercises and discover more about what the other needs in terms of feeling loved.

Stoogy

Hi Raider, I love your posts, always get me thinking outside the box 😄
But you are right, we are very different people when we are sober and what people may seem like through "beer goggles" does not changed what they have always been, just the way we perceive them to be.
I was always argumentative and grumpy when drunk but chirpy and happy when sober, so my wife has the chirpy and happy me 24/7 but the world first appears to be a very different place when we don't have the comfort blanket that alcohol provides us.
Your hubby sound like a very sweet man, most men would not think of doing those things without be asked too.

Mags1

I get you, Raider. I keep thinking there is something wrong because he's not speaking to me but that's how he is. I'm a talker, not as chatty as I used to be but still like a good chinwag.

I don't think we noticed, as you say, when we were topped up with booze, we could have our own conversations without them, however we interpreted it when we were drunk. It's true isn't it how we look at life through the bottom of a bottle, is so different to real life.

Glad you're doing ok Raider xx

Thepatman

Sorry about this Raider. Maybe both of you will find your comfort zones after a while in sobriety. I'm personally giving myself a year of sobriety before I consider analyzing my life in details.

Take care Raider!

azbluesgal

Raider, I just love your astute observations and slightly sardonic sense of humor. I appreciate where you're coming from since we have the same amount of "non-drinking" time. Sober? has as many meanings as there are alcoholics. Success? maybe - it sure helps the budget not to be spending so much on booze. Yeah, it's different all right - but the main thing is the Mental shift that can handle disappointment and frustration without going to pieces. You got a nice hubby sounds like to me. not that i'm looking for one - just a reasonable handyman. LOL. have a great weekend.

Jeni26

Hang in there Raider. It's early days. Me and my husband met as a couple of drunks and have been together for 23 years...21 of them we spent drinking.

When we got sober 2 years ago, we had no idea how to relate to each other. He isn't quiet...far from it. I'm the quiet one. His incessant talking drives me up the wall, but he is a good man. We share everything...we both work long hours in demanding jobs, and we share the errands, shopping, everything really.

We had to start from scratch in a relationship where we had swept any issues under the carpet. We had never argued in all our time together, just drunk away our problems and pretended they didn't exist.

Our hardest times together have come in sobriety, and there have been times when I didn't think we'd make it to be honest. Learning how to handle disagreements without thinking the world was going to end...talking things through rationally...actually discovering what we are really like...it's all been part of a huge learning curve for us both.

Last time I looked he was a slim, slightly eccentric, socially confident guy in his mid 20s...now he's put on weight, is going grey and is reaching his late 40s. Yet that smile is the same, his green eyes still sparkle, and he still makes me laugh more than any person I've ever met.

We have had to work really hard on our relationship because we never put any effort into it at all for years. We had neglected it the same way as we neglected everything important in favour of drinking.

The first year of sobriety is difficult I think for our closest relationships. Be patient x

Chilledice

From what you have said it seems like he most certainly loves you Who knows, maybe he is shy? maybe its a confidence problem? Or he could just be a quiet guy. Maybe you could both take up a hobby together?

aasharon90

I know ive heard time before that actions
speak louder than words. However, there's
that part of me that wants and needs to hear
the words like thank you and I appreciate it
and you.

From reading your share it sounds like your
husband truly appreciates you in the actions
he does. Maybe he wonders if you appreciate
all he does for you. Have you told him you do
with words, or maybe a hug and kiss?

I was married for 25 yrs in the first marriage
however I was the only one sick with addiction.
I did get into recovery about 8 yrs into the
marriage and the remainder was sober.

That marriage ended sad to say, however communication
and understanding became key factors in ending it.

Im remarried for 5 yrs. now with a new spouse
and even tho we are both in recovery, we still
are getting familiar with each other and that doesn't
happen over night, 7 yrs when we met and 5 yrs
marriage. We are 11 yrs apart and yet, we get along
pretty darn good because we laugh. He is teaching
me more about not letting the small thing aggravate
me and just let things go. To find humor in things
that would throw me for a loop is pretty amazing.

Keeping the Faith for guidance and care along
with humor and recovery, how can we fail.

Just a few thoughts to pass on to you.
Stay strong..!!!

phoebe64

Oh yes indeed I do. sigh...

freedragonfly

yes. there are communication issues in my marriage. some of it is me. some of it is him. I used to get real chatty when drinking. I'm quieter now. I just have to remember to tell him stuff and talk to him still. I just wish he would be more assertive with me. there have been times, usually when I was drunk, that we just did things my way because he just let it be that way and didn't stand up to me. I have some guilty regrets.

Anna

Raider, I absolutely understand what you're saying, and I think it's part of the continuing recovery journey.

My marriage changed, simply became different. Things that had bothered me before no longer bothered me. And, other things were much more important. I began to take responsibility for my own happiness and that was a big thing for me. I think gratitude is the way to go. I have so much to be grateful for in my marriage and I try to focus on that.

ReadyAtLast

I totally understand Raider. My marriage has changed since I got sober. when we met I drank and we used to drink together. We used to drink at home together. Now I don't drink,he still does -not in a problematic way and it doesn't bother me.

What has changed is me. I'm different since I got sober and my marriage has changed too,not worse or better just different. I'm less outgoing, more shy, nervous even and don't/can't just let go like I used to. (though I probably was just making a fool of myself before )

Whilst I'm more confident and sure of myself internally I am quieter and less confident/outgoing when making conversation. I used to drink to fit in and chat now I prefer not to even socialize. Anyway I'm going off track.With my husband I sometimes just feel different.

CAPTAINZING2000

What kind of interests do you share?

You got lots of time working on those and developing new ones

Nuudawn

I just had to pop in to say how amazed I am by this post. As you know, I have been away awhile. The change in your narrative voice is so wonderful. I'm sorry I am not speaking to the subject at hand...but wow...you are a different woman Raider. Love it...admire it. Thank you.

SoberLeigh

I definitely understand; my marriage was one of my most significant adjustments in sobriety; I saw everything differently with my sober eyes and my husband's communication and interpersonal skills were front and center.

Like mine, I think your husband sounds like a good egg (and we all know, Raider, that you are Grade A); the two of you will adjust.

patricia68

I am too trying to adjust to my "new" husband. When I was drinking it didn't bother me how utterly annoying he is at times. Actually I am certain that he hasn't changed, I am the one with patience issues. Overly sensitive :-(

Raider

Wow. What fantastic responses. I feel better seeing your posts. I have all that stuff you guys talked about. It's not better or worse, just way way way different. I really don't like the silence. Never knowing if I wait a bit, he'll start talking. It's the wait that pisses me off. I don't know why. Three minutes into silence and I'm dreaming about packing my crap and moving out! What's that about??? Of course I'm not moving out, we have 15 years together. I also know he loves me. He does a lot more for me than I posted. Anyway why I dream of running away, I don't know. I'm unsure about this sober marriage thing.

GwenCummings

"Anyway why I dream of running away, I don't know. I'm unsure about this sober marriage thing."
__________________

So much to recognise in your words Raider. I am finding it difficult myself. I think it is because recovery is a solitary journey. We can have supporters and well wishers but we have to do it ourselves. It makes me quiet and preoccupied some of the time and desperate for reassurance the rest. Why he isn't crying out for help in the other part of this forum is a mystery to me!

Hevyn

Raider - I'm so glad you wanted to talk about this. I agree with Nuudawn that you've changed and grown so much.

I love the responses too - and there's little for me to add, except to say that in my first year of sobriety I went through many phases. I was very panicky in the first few months - short-tempered, desperate for things to feel right again. Then I calmed down and began to feel a new kind of peace settle over me. Things aren't the same, but they are sane and I'm content. We don't have the long (drunken) talks we used to, sitting up until all hours. If I'm honest, I hardly remember what we talked about or what conclusions we ever came to. That's frightening. This is so much better - but it took me a while to accept the change.