I'm not sure when enough is enough..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 106
I'm not sure when enough is enough..
So, if you're familiar with my first post then you'll know where I'm at.. If not, long story short, my heroin addicted boyfriend relapsed after being clean for a year and half and was using every 3-4 days for about a month and a half.. He was clean for 8 days, and this morning I woke up at 5am, to him not in bed, and I started walking downstairs to find him walking towards the steps saying to himself (and crying) "gotta tell her, gotta tell her, what tf is wrong with me".. He stopped when he saw I was already coming downstairs. I KNEW when I woke up alone that something wasn't right.
So he relapsed again.. How many times am I going to believe the sob story of "I want to get clean", "this time I can feel it, I know I'm ready for it", "I just need to get over that 'hump', I know I'm there. I'm tired of living like this"... I absolutely believe that he DOESN'T want to get high.. but it's WAY bigger than him, for him to just say okay I'm done, I'm strong enough now, I'm moving on. He says rehab won't help him because he'll just do the same thing there that he's doing at home (self detox), but I don't know.. He's still very active in NA (5-6 meetings a week), his sponsor and him are VERY close (talk a few times a day), he takes all the right steps towards his sobriety accept for when the "devil that claws at his chest" comes around he doesn't seem to have enough willpower to stay straight.. The longer he lets this go on the worse his addiction will become again..
I can not sit around and wait for this to kill him! Any friend of mine that has ever had a heroin addiction (3 of them) has died from overdosing, I WILL NOT watch the same damn thing happen to him. I'm just at my wits end and I don't know what to do.. It's not like he's lying and stealing or not doing his normal daily thing, but I don't want to be with an addict, functional or not. I want my old f'ing boyfriend back!!
I have not lost sight of who I am or changed anything in my daily life.. Besides crying from 5am until 9am when I got to work this morning, everything has been normal. I'm still focusing on school and work, still doing great at both, and still hanging out with friends, family, etc.. I haven't let it change me.
I told him I want him gone by the time I get home from work today.. I'm just afraid that since he is pretty down in the dumps over this, hating himself, no self esteem bc he keeps allowing it to happen, that he's going to continue to self destruct.. But I can't enable him either by letting him continue to do it in our own house.
Just any kind words or advice would be appreciative.. Thank you.. =/
So he relapsed again.. How many times am I going to believe the sob story of "I want to get clean", "this time I can feel it, I know I'm ready for it", "I just need to get over that 'hump', I know I'm there. I'm tired of living like this"... I absolutely believe that he DOESN'T want to get high.. but it's WAY bigger than him, for him to just say okay I'm done, I'm strong enough now, I'm moving on. He says rehab won't help him because he'll just do the same thing there that he's doing at home (self detox), but I don't know.. He's still very active in NA (5-6 meetings a week), his sponsor and him are VERY close (talk a few times a day), he takes all the right steps towards his sobriety accept for when the "devil that claws at his chest" comes around he doesn't seem to have enough willpower to stay straight.. The longer he lets this go on the worse his addiction will become again..
I can not sit around and wait for this to kill him! Any friend of mine that has ever had a heroin addiction (3 of them) has died from overdosing, I WILL NOT watch the same damn thing happen to him. I'm just at my wits end and I don't know what to do.. It's not like he's lying and stealing or not doing his normal daily thing, but I don't want to be with an addict, functional or not. I want my old f'ing boyfriend back!!
I have not lost sight of who I am or changed anything in my daily life.. Besides crying from 5am until 9am when I got to work this morning, everything has been normal. I'm still focusing on school and work, still doing great at both, and still hanging out with friends, family, etc.. I haven't let it change me.
I told him I want him gone by the time I get home from work today.. I'm just afraid that since he is pretty down in the dumps over this, hating himself, no self esteem bc he keeps allowing it to happen, that he's going to continue to self destruct.. But I can't enable him either by letting him continue to do it in our own house.
Just any kind words or advice would be appreciative.. Thank you.. =/
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,866
He wants to use, and he will. You don't want him too. You can't change him. You can decide though, what you're willing to live with.
Stay strong. You're doing the right thing by making him leave. (((HUGS)))
Stay strong. You're doing the right thing by making him leave. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 189
Has he tried any of the medical detox programs? Suboxone? Methadone? Its my personal experience that an addict will only get clean when they are ready... He will not get clean for you (I know that sucks) he will only get clean for himself. Maybe suggest some programs that can help him and then walk away for awhile... Addicts are great at self destructing and its not fair for you to go down with him. I know its tough when you love someone to walk away but try to think about you for awhile... -hugs-
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by purechaos 
Has he tried any of the medical detox programs? Suboxone? Methadone? Its my personal experience that an addict will only get clean when they are ready... He will not get clean for you (I know that sucks) he will only get clean for himself. Maybe suggest some programs that can help him and then walk away for awhile... Addicts are great at self destructing and its not fair for you to go down with him. I know its tough when you love someone to walk away but try to think about you for awhile... -hugs-
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by CaringScared
Four hours crying in the morning doesn't sound normal, although God knows a lot of us have experienced such a thing.
Take care of yourself.
Take care of yourself.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
I don't know when enough is enough, but I know that I feel your pain in your thread. You seem like a strong individual, still doing your own thing with family and friends. Maybe you are so strong because you have seen this before with people loosing their life to this drug? I am praying for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 106
Yes mejo that is probably why.. And caringscared, I am trying incredibly hard.. It's so much harder when it's happening to someone you've built a life with. But I am going to continue living my life, as I have been, and hope for the best for him. I want more than anything for him to get better, for his own sake, but I can't watch him destroy himself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
So hard to do what you are doing. I applaud your strength. My belief is (after learning TONS here at SR) if you don't make them feel consequences they don't have that extra push. He absolutely has to want it himself and it certainly sounds like he does. He just has to want it bad enough and consequences will sometimes help push them harder. You are doing the right thing. It sounds like he has a sponsor so at least he has someone. Do what's best for you.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
So you want to know when enough is enough?
Simple: when you say so.
When we're dealing with an addict who is either actively using or abstaining but not in recovery, the drain on our emotional energy can be tremendous. In my case (and you can look back at my post history), the addict in my life had crossed a line there was no coming back from. And once she did that, enough was enough.
So you might want to rethink your question. What you should consider asking yourself could include the following:
-- what are my values?
-- what sort of life do I want to live?
-- when does someone else's problems being to negatively impact my emotional and mental well-being?
-- does this person share my values?
And when you ask yourself these questions, you need to be honest with yourself. But once you ask and answer those questions, that's when you'll be able to decide "enough is enough".
ZoSo
Simple: when you say so.
When we're dealing with an addict who is either actively using or abstaining but not in recovery, the drain on our emotional energy can be tremendous. In my case (and you can look back at my post history), the addict in my life had crossed a line there was no coming back from. And once she did that, enough was enough.
So you might want to rethink your question. What you should consider asking yourself could include the following:
-- what are my values?
-- what sort of life do I want to live?
-- when does someone else's problems being to negatively impact my emotional and mental well-being?
-- does this person share my values?
And when you ask yourself these questions, you need to be honest with yourself. But once you ask and answer those questions, that's when you'll be able to decide "enough is enough".
ZoSo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by needingabreak
So hard to do what you are doing. I applaud your strength. My belief is (after learning TONS here at SR) if you don't make them feel consequences they don't have that extra push. He absolutely has to want it himself and it certainly sounds like he does. He just has to want it bad enough and consequences will sometimes help push them harder. You are doing the right thing. It sounds like he has a sponsor so at least he has someone. Do what's best for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by zoso77
So you want to know when enough is enough?
Simple: when you say so.
When we're dealing with an addict who is either actively using or abstaining but not in recovery, the drain on our emotional energy can be tremendous. In my case (and you can look back at my post history), the addict in my life had crossed a line there was no coming back from. And once she did that, enough was enough.
So you might want to rethink your question. What you should consider asking yourself could include the following:
-- what are my values?
-- what sort of life do I want to live?
-- when does someone else's problems being to negatively impact my emotional and mental well-being?
-- does this person share my values?
And when you ask yourself these questions, you need to be honest with yourself. But once you ask and answer those questions, that's when you'll be able to decide "enough is enough".
ZoSo
Simple: when you say so.
When we're dealing with an addict who is either actively using or abstaining but not in recovery, the drain on our emotional energy can be tremendous. In my case (and you can look back at my post history), the addict in my life had crossed a line there was no coming back from. And once she did that, enough was enough.
So you might want to rethink your question. What you should consider asking yourself could include the following:
-- what are my values?
-- what sort of life do I want to live?
-- when does someone else's problems being to negatively impact my emotional and mental well-being?
-- does this person share my values?
And when you ask yourself these questions, you need to be honest with yourself. But once you ask and answer those questions, that's when you'll be able to decide "enough is enough".
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Just piping in here to ask, "30 days clean?" I know you love him, and I hear you are strong and yet weary of the struggle, but I just told my own child she could not come back to my house until she was 3 months clean. It will be hard for me to keep to that.
I expect a relapse on my part. I will work my program diligently.
Yet in my heart, I know that even 90 days is not enough time to expect her to really be present to us again. That is the painful part. That is where we have to really commit to what we are willing and not willing to live with. My most recent post reports an overdose in my house last week. She died and was revived two years ago, and that was not even her low--5 weeks in a hospital, nearly losing her leg and brain functions. I don't mean to preach. I just want to suggest that you give yourself as much time as you REALLY need to heal from his chaos of addiction. I can't imagine losing 3 friends to heroin and then having a heroin-addicted BF. So painful. Please take care of yourself!
I expect a relapse on my part. I will work my program diligently.
Yet in my heart, I know that even 90 days is not enough time to expect her to really be present to us again. That is the painful part. That is where we have to really commit to what we are willing and not willing to live with. My most recent post reports an overdose in my house last week. She died and was revived two years ago, and that was not even her low--5 weeks in a hospital, nearly losing her leg and brain functions. I don't mean to preach. I just want to suggest that you give yourself as much time as you REALLY need to heal from his chaos of addiction. I can't imagine losing 3 friends to heroin and then having a heroin-addicted BF. So painful. Please take care of yourself!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by GardenMama
Just piping in here to ask, "30 days clean?" I know you love him, and I hear you are strong and yet weary of the struggle, but I just told my own child she could not come back to my house until she was 3 months clean. It will be hard for me to keep to that.
I expect a relapse on my part. I will work my program diligently.
Yet in my heart, I know that even 90 days is not enough time to expect her to really be present to us again. That is the painful part. That is where we have to really commit to what we are willing and not willing to live with. My most recent post reports an overdose in my house last week. She died and was revived two years ago, and that was not even her low--5 weeks in a hospital, nearly losing her leg and brain functions. I don't mean to preach. I just want to suggest that you give yourself as much time as you REALLY need to heal from his chaos of addiction. I can't imagine losing 3 friends to heroin and then having a heroin-addicted BF. So painful. Please take care of yourself!
I expect a relapse on my part. I will work my program diligently.
Yet in my heart, I know that even 90 days is not enough time to expect her to really be present to us again. That is the painful part. That is where we have to really commit to what we are willing and not willing to live with. My most recent post reports an overdose in my house last week. She died and was revived two years ago, and that was not even her low--5 weeks in a hospital, nearly losing her leg and brain functions. I don't mean to preach. I just want to suggest that you give yourself as much time as you REALLY need to heal from his chaos of addiction. I can't imagine losing 3 friends to heroin and then having a heroin-addicted BF. So painful. Please take care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 43
I'm sorry Bella, I didn't even see this thread when I replied to the other one.
I'm sorry that happened. I think you are handling things so well, good for you! I'm afraid that the same thing is basically going to happen in my situation. I guess I'll wait and see. In the mean time, I'm totally going to be thinking of how you handled things. The first time my bf relapsed, it was only 2 days out of a week, and he went 5 months clean after. This time it's been like 3 weeks out, and I feel that devil gets stronger the longer it goes on. I don't know what kind of person your bf is, but I know mine can be very stubborn and prideful, like he thinks he's going to handle this with will power alone. I don't know about that.
I think that you should definitely give yourself some time to decide how soon you want to resume things...if you do. And maybe you start out slow, not moving right back in together or something. You really seen to have a good mind, so I'm sure you'll make good choices for you. Lots of hugs! Feel free to email or private message me if you want to. More hugs!
I'm sorry that happened. I think you are handling things so well, good for you! I'm afraid that the same thing is basically going to happen in my situation. I guess I'll wait and see. In the mean time, I'm totally going to be thinking of how you handled things. The first time my bf relapsed, it was only 2 days out of a week, and he went 5 months clean after. This time it's been like 3 weeks out, and I feel that devil gets stronger the longer it goes on. I don't know what kind of person your bf is, but I know mine can be very stubborn and prideful, like he thinks he's going to handle this with will power alone. I don't know about that.
I think that you should definitely give yourself some time to decide how soon you want to resume things...if you do. And maybe you start out slow, not moving right back in together or something. You really seen to have a good mind, so I'm sure you'll make good choices for you. Lots of hugs! Feel free to email or private message me if you want to. More hugs!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Originally Posted by bellanoviella
He was clean for 8 days, and this morning I woke up at 5am, to him not in bed, and I started walking downstairs to find him walking towards the steps saying to himself (and crying) "gotta tell her, gotta tell her, what tf is wrong with me".. He stopped when he saw I was already coming downstairs...
So he relapsed again.. How many times am I going to believe the sob story of "I want to get clean", "this time I can feel it, I know I'm ready for it"... I absolutely believe that he DOESN'T want to get high.. but it's WAY bigger than him... He says rehab won't help him because he'll just do the same thing there that he's doing at home (self detox), but I don't know.. He's still very active in NA (5-6 meetings a week), his sponsor and him are VERY close (talk a few times a day), he takes all the right steps towards his sobriety accept for when the "devil that claws at his chest" comes around he doesn't seem to have enough willpower to stay straight...
So he relapsed again.. How many times am I going to believe the sob story of "I want to get clean", "this time I can feel it, I know I'm ready for it"... I absolutely believe that he DOESN'T want to get high.. but it's WAY bigger than him... He says rehab won't help him because he'll just do the same thing there that he's doing at home (self detox), but I don't know.. He's still very active in NA (5-6 meetings a week), his sponsor and him are VERY close (talk a few times a day), he takes all the right steps towards his sobriety accept for when the "devil that claws at his chest" comes around he doesn't seem to have enough willpower to stay straight...
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sounds like your bf really wants to get clean. He might want to rethink the rehab idea - it's not just about detoxing. It's about getting out of your using environment for awhile, away from all your triggers, and being immersed in a recovery-oriented environment with no access to your DOC for the duration of your stay. Might be just the thing he needs to hit the re-set button, if he can get 30 days or more. Right now, it doesn't sound like he is able to get much more than a week of clean time on his own before he gives in. The more time he is away from the drug, the stronger he will be, which is why 30 days or more with no access could be helpful. It's his decision, of course, and he would have to figure out how to make this work with his job, but this is his life we're talking about. People die from this disease every day. We get desensitized to the seriousness of it, as does the addict when he's using, but this disease is often fatal. Taking a month off to work on getting well could be a month well spent.
I see that you asked him to leave and that he is now staying with his sponsor. It sounds like this a good move to protect yourself. My one suggestion is that, as you make the decision and take steps to detach emotionally, do so with love. It does no good to be angry or punitive - he is not using "at" you. It's not like he is a rational, sane person making a calculated, hurtful decision to use. He is sick. Addiction is a compulsive disorder, and his inability to control his compulsion is undoubtedly leading to a lot of self-loathing. He doesn't need you to pile on. That doesn't mean you should be OK with his using. I am simply suggesting that whatever moves you make to detach, make those moves for the purpose of protecting yourself - not to punish him, not out of anger. And not because you think you need to add to the negative consequences he is experiencing in order to "make" him quit using - taking action with that motivation is an attempt to control him. Remember the Al-Anon mantra - didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. Don't try to control it.
But do, definitely, look at the situation realistically and decide for yourself what is healthy for you. Your bf has a chronic, relapsing disease. Hopefully he will figure out a way to get back into recovery, but even if he does, there is no guarantee that he will stay there. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. It's the nature of the disease. You need to figure out if you're able and willing to live with that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by SeekingGrowth
Hi, Bella,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sounds like your bf really wants to get clean. He might want to rethink the rehab idea - it's not just about detoxing. It's about getting out of your using environment for awhile, away from all your triggers, and being immersed in a recovery-oriented environment with no access to your DOC for the duration of your stay. Might be just the thing he needs to hit the re-set button, if he can get 30 days or more. Right now, it doesn't sound like he is able to get much more than a week of clean time on his own before he gives in. The more time he is away from the drug, the stronger he will be, which is why 30 days or more with no access could be helpful. It's his decision, of course, and he would have to figure out how to make this work with his job, but this is his life we're talking about. People die from this disease every day. We get desensitized to the seriousness of it, as does the addict when he's using, but this disease is often fatal. Taking a month off to work on getting well could be a month well spent.
I see that you asked him to leave and that he is now staying with his sponsor. It sounds like this a good move to protect yourself. My one suggestion is that, as you make the decision and take steps to detach emotionally, do so with love. It does no good to be angry or punitive - he is not using "at" you. It's not like he is a rational, sane person making a calculated, hurtful decision to use. He is sick. Addiction is a compulsive disorder, and his inability to control his compulsion is undoubtedly leading to a lot of self-loathing. He doesn't need you to pile on. That doesn't mean you should be OK with his using. I am simply suggesting that whatever moves you make to detach, make those moves for the purpose of protecting yourself - not to punish him, not out of anger. And not because you think you need to add to the negative consequences he is experiencing in order to "make" him quit using - taking action with that motivation is an attempt to control him. Remember the Al-Anon mantra - didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. Don't try to control it.
But do, definitely, look at the situation realistically and decide for yourself what is healthy for you. Your bf has a chronic, relapsing disease. Hopefully he will figure out a way to get back into recovery, but even if he does, there is no guarantee that he will stay there. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. It's the nature of the disease. You need to figure out if you're able and willing to live with that.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sounds like your bf really wants to get clean. He might want to rethink the rehab idea - it's not just about detoxing. It's about getting out of your using environment for awhile, away from all your triggers, and being immersed in a recovery-oriented environment with no access to your DOC for the duration of your stay. Might be just the thing he needs to hit the re-set button, if he can get 30 days or more. Right now, it doesn't sound like he is able to get much more than a week of clean time on his own before he gives in. The more time he is away from the drug, the stronger he will be, which is why 30 days or more with no access could be helpful. It's his decision, of course, and he would have to figure out how to make this work with his job, but this is his life we're talking about. People die from this disease every day. We get desensitized to the seriousness of it, as does the addict when he's using, but this disease is often fatal. Taking a month off to work on getting well could be a month well spent.
I see that you asked him to leave and that he is now staying with his sponsor. It sounds like this a good move to protect yourself. My one suggestion is that, as you make the decision and take steps to detach emotionally, do so with love. It does no good to be angry or punitive - he is not using "at" you. It's not like he is a rational, sane person making a calculated, hurtful decision to use. He is sick. Addiction is a compulsive disorder, and his inability to control his compulsion is undoubtedly leading to a lot of self-loathing. He doesn't need you to pile on. That doesn't mean you should be OK with his using. I am simply suggesting that whatever moves you make to detach, make those moves for the purpose of protecting yourself - not to punish him, not out of anger. And not because you think you need to add to the negative consequences he is experiencing in order to "make" him quit using - taking action with that motivation is an attempt to control him. Remember the Al-Anon mantra - didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. Don't try to control it.
But do, definitely, look at the situation realistically and decide for yourself what is healthy for you. Your bf has a chronic, relapsing disease. Hopefully he will figure out a way to get back into recovery, but even if he does, there is no guarantee that he will stay there. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. It's the nature of the disease. You need to figure out if you're able and willing to live with that.
I would love to fully be with him again, even after he stays clean for a while. But the reality of the situation being this could happen over and over again for the rest of our relationship, is scary to me. I cannot go through that forever. I eventually will want a family and to settle down, that's a risk I don't know I'd be willing to take. It's heartbreaking really.
Thank you for your kind words and helping me through this!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
