If it is so great on the other side
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
If it is so great on the other side
If it is so great on the other side then why is everyone still feeling on their A's and their past on here. Why aren't they out being happy and content and not looking back? Why so they still come here to talk about past pain and hurt?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,853
I can't speak for everyone, but I do know that many of us come here to help others going through some of the things we went through. It in no way means we aren't happy and content. It's BECAUSE I am happy and content that I try to help people.
No one is saying that leaving an addictive relationship will suddenly make anyone's life all roses and lollipops. What we are saying is that there is a better way to live and while it may not be easy or problem free, we won't be living in the chaos of addiction.
No one is saying that leaving an addictive relationship will suddenly make anyone's life all roses and lollipops. What we are saying is that there is a better way to live and while it may not be easy or problem free, we won't be living in the chaos of addiction.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I come back to clear out the debris. Turns out there is a lot of it.
Also, if you have a primary relationship with the A, parent, child, co-parent, the effects of their disease are still felt years afterward.
Also, if you have a primary relationship with the A, parent, child, co-parent, the effects of their disease are still felt years afterward.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
searching peace.....I am on here because I cannot divorce my son. I have moved afar--and I love him from a distance. I come here because I have the comfort that these people can understand my heart's burden. I gain strength from them.
In addition...I have learned a lot in my struggles and experiences in life that I can pass on to those who might be able to benefit. We all share our sorrows and joys, together.
That is my particular story.
dandylion
PS. Many years ago I divorced my husband. He was a narcissistic personality (not an A). He was emotionally abusive and selfish beyond all reason. "The other side" was like walking into a beautiful garden from the prison walls of the marriage. I have never regretted that decision for one minute. I regret that I married him--but, I sure as Hel* do not regret that I divorced him. I should have done it even sooner than I did.
(this is the other part of my story).
In addition...I have learned a lot in my struggles and experiences in life that I can pass on to those who might be able to benefit. We all share our sorrows and joys, together.
That is my particular story.
dandylion
PS. Many years ago I divorced my husband. He was a narcissistic personality (not an A). He was emotionally abusive and selfish beyond all reason. "The other side" was like walking into a beautiful garden from the prison walls of the marriage. I have never regretted that decision for one minute. I regret that I married him--but, I sure as Hel* do not regret that I divorced him. I should have done it even sooner than I did.
(this is the other part of my story).
Guest
Join Date: May 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 38
Just like any other love relationships, it is always hard to be apart from who we love. It is a loss no matter what. Whether the relationship was good or bad for us it is still hard to not be with them.
A divorce from a spouse is hard even harder with addiction in it. It is broken dreams and broken promises and a loss of love. Some people here are still going through the feeling of loss and it is even harder when the one you love has an addiction. It is never easy in the beginning and that it is when we need the most support and that is why you see more of those posts. People come here for support and understanding and advise and just to be heard. I came here because I needed support but before that when all was well, i never looked for this site. That's my take on it, not wanting to generalize.
I wish I could give you a huggggggggggg. It's only been 2 weeks since my last contact from my xabf, and it's still hard but I'm not crying as much as I was the first week not to say I don't still cry.
A divorce from a spouse is hard even harder with addiction in it. It is broken dreams and broken promises and a loss of love. Some people here are still going through the feeling of loss and it is even harder when the one you love has an addiction. It is never easy in the beginning and that it is when we need the most support and that is why you see more of those posts. People come here for support and understanding and advise and just to be heard. I came here because I needed support but before that when all was well, i never looked for this site. That's my take on it, not wanting to generalize.
I wish I could give you a huggggggggggg. It's only been 2 weeks since my last contact from my xabf, and it's still hard but I'm not crying as much as I was the first week not to say I don't still cry.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I am still here (occasionally) because so many who have walked a similar path as mine were here for me when I needed them.
Because they shared their experience, strength and hope to me ~ so that I could know I had choices, I had options and I could decide if I wanted something different
That there was something different than what I had known all my life.
You see I was born in a family of alcoholism and addiction, so I married alcoholism & addiction, I brought my daughters up in that insanity, my daughters continued that because that was all we knew.
Today, we KNOW differently and we struggle to LIVE differently ~
It's difficult to break a heritage of lifestyle and unhealthiness - but each day we make a choice to do something different. I come here to continue to get strength, courage and wisdom to do that and to share a little of my story to be able to encourage someone else to be able to do the same thing.
So they may know there is HOPE.
That life can be Happy, Joyous and PINKfully Free
pink hugs
Because they shared their experience, strength and hope to me ~ so that I could know I had choices, I had options and I could decide if I wanted something different
That there was something different than what I had known all my life.
You see I was born in a family of alcoholism and addiction, so I married alcoholism & addiction, I brought my daughters up in that insanity, my daughters continued that because that was all we knew.
Today, we KNOW differently and we struggle to LIVE differently ~
It's difficult to break a heritage of lifestyle and unhealthiness - but each day we make a choice to do something different. I come here to continue to get strength, courage and wisdom to do that and to share a little of my story to be able to encourage someone else to be able to do the same thing.
So they may know there is HOPE.
That life can be Happy, Joyous and PINKfully Free
pink hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
I am on here because giving back is part of moving on.
Everyone is at a different place in their journey. Early days are hardest, even for those not mourning the relationship. By the time I left, all my tears for him were used up, but I still have to occasionally deal with him and his family. I am also working through my childhood and foo issues that attracted me to an alcoholic relationship in the first place. Theses forums are a great place for that because of all the shared experiences.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Sharing my experience with others and helping like I was helped.
Even through divorce some people have to have continued contact with their A mostly due to children. Frustrations and insanity continue on.
I will say this - I think I have been on here for 2 years. I haven't read every post and sometimes I go away for awhile. I have yet to see a post that has said 'I divorced my A and it was a huge mistake I should have stayed".
The scars left by an addict can be hard to overcome and here is a good place to do so.
Take a look at the Cafe forum which is where members gather to discuss things non addiction, and you will see the brighter side of life for people you might assume aren't happier.
Even through divorce some people have to have continued contact with their A mostly due to children. Frustrations and insanity continue on.
I will say this - I think I have been on here for 2 years. I haven't read every post and sometimes I go away for awhile. I have yet to see a post that has said 'I divorced my A and it was a huge mistake I should have stayed".
The scars left by an addict can be hard to overcome and here is a good place to do so.
Take a look at the Cafe forum which is where members gather to discuss things non addiction, and you will see the brighter side of life for people you might assume aren't happier.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I'm here because for a long time I had no one to talk to about things. Then I found out that I had a true friend. Someone to talk to, someone who believed me, someone who supported me whether I stayed or not. Someone who opened her home to me, and held me while I cried.
I was married and lived with him for over 25 years. Yes, he did love me, he just didn't know how to show it, he didn't love himself.
It's no picnic when you leave. I spent a lot of time still loving him and wanting to be back with him. I just wanted to ignore or just hide all of his abusive behavior. I wanted it to just all go away, and have the person back that I fell in love with. It was all a fantasy.
Then I went through my anger stage. These forums helped me with all of that. I guess since I didn't know what was normal in a relationship, because I became so brainwashed, I didn't know what would be normal in my recovery from it.
I can now honestly wish my ex and his gf the best. I learned detachment.
I am thankful for all the people who still come here with their wisdom, understanding and caring.
I stay because I do not think that I am OK yet. I still need help. I also stay so that if anyone else is in a situation like I was, that they might feel more welcomed here, just knowing that there are people here who know what they are going through. I still receive help here, and I try my best to extend that to another.
No one should ever feel alone.
I was married and lived with him for over 25 years. Yes, he did love me, he just didn't know how to show it, he didn't love himself.
It's no picnic when you leave. I spent a lot of time still loving him and wanting to be back with him. I just wanted to ignore or just hide all of his abusive behavior. I wanted it to just all go away, and have the person back that I fell in love with. It was all a fantasy.
Then I went through my anger stage. These forums helped me with all of that. I guess since I didn't know what was normal in a relationship, because I became so brainwashed, I didn't know what would be normal in my recovery from it.
I can now honestly wish my ex and his gf the best. I learned detachment.
I am thankful for all the people who still come here with their wisdom, understanding and caring.
I stay because I do not think that I am OK yet. I still need help. I also stay so that if anyone else is in a situation like I was, that they might feel more welcomed here, just knowing that there are people here who know what they are going through. I still receive help here, and I try my best to extend that to another.
No one should ever feel alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I'd like to second those who say they come here to give back. That's a mighty important reason to hang around--imagine if a newcomer came to a forum like this and everyone there was in their early days, emotionally wrecked, uneducated about alcoholism, caught up in the lies and heartbreak? How much help would that newcomer receive? What insights could be shared if no one had any experience in recovery? I think it's a mark of healing and maturity that folks stay around to pass on some of what they've learned.
However, speaking for myself, I don't stick around only out of some sense of duty or martyrdom. I stick around b/c I am so far from done with learning about how to live my own life in the best possible way, and SR helps me almost daily with that. I've come to realize that I have contributed, in no small measure, to the craziness of an alcoholic marriage too, and I have my own recovery to work on. This is a great place for me to learn, to share insights, to benefit from the experiences of those who've already walked the path that I'm on now, and especially to be inspired and filled with new hope.
Sometimes people come here, post a handful of times and then are never heard from again. Maybe they just weren't ready, or who knows what. But of the folks who do stick around, it's always so uplifting and encouraging to see how they grow and change as time goes on. There have been any number of threads started where people discuss how their recovery has improved their lives in ways they could never have imagined; I started one of these myself last summer: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ventually.html Recovery is really so much more than just the choice of leaving or staying with an A.
I'd also like to include this link in case your question might be partly motivated by a feeling of "ruffled feathers" from some responses you might have received (and believe me, you would not be the first to feel that way!): http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-they-do.html
Hope this is helpful for you.
However, speaking for myself, I don't stick around only out of some sense of duty or martyrdom. I stick around b/c I am so far from done with learning about how to live my own life in the best possible way, and SR helps me almost daily with that. I've come to realize that I have contributed, in no small measure, to the craziness of an alcoholic marriage too, and I have my own recovery to work on. This is a great place for me to learn, to share insights, to benefit from the experiences of those who've already walked the path that I'm on now, and especially to be inspired and filled with new hope.
Sometimes people come here, post a handful of times and then are never heard from again. Maybe they just weren't ready, or who knows what. But of the folks who do stick around, it's always so uplifting and encouraging to see how they grow and change as time goes on. There have been any number of threads started where people discuss how their recovery has improved their lives in ways they could never have imagined; I started one of these myself last summer: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ventually.html Recovery is really so much more than just the choice of leaving or staying with an A.
I'd also like to include this link in case your question might be partly motivated by a feeling of "ruffled feathers" from some responses you might have received (and believe me, you would not be the first to feel that way!): http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-they-do.html
Hope this is helpful for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Giving back, for sure. Sharing my ESH the way people shared their ESH with me to help me come to the right decisions for me.
For me, I also come here because I'm still working on my recovery. I still have a lot to learn from others. I still grow from insights I get from other people here.
I think I thought leaving the A would remove the problem. It did remove the biggest problem -- but it also showed me what damage the relationship had done to me, and to my children, and that is something I'm still working on.
I think it's like breaking a leg -- even after the bone is healed, you have rehab work to do in order to get your leg to function normally. The fact that you still need to work on the strength in your muscles doesn't mean having a healed bone isn't better than having a broken one.
For me, I also come here because I'm still working on my recovery. I still have a lot to learn from others. I still grow from insights I get from other people here.
I think I thought leaving the A would remove the problem. It did remove the biggest problem -- but it also showed me what damage the relationship had done to me, and to my children, and that is something I'm still working on.
I think it's like breaking a leg -- even after the bone is healed, you have rehab work to do in order to get your leg to function normally. The fact that you still need to work on the strength in your muscles doesn't mean having a healed bone isn't better than having a broken one.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Hi searching peace,
That is a very good question. It is amazing on the other side. I continue to come back here because it's very easy to fall back into old habits of resentment, being insecure, second guessing myself, being defensive, and so forth.
I'm in a relationship with someone really awesome and every once awhile - like yesterday - I found myself almost reaching an old habit. He bought me a present - a pair of shoes. And instantly, my reaction was oh, I can't let you pay for dinner. You just bought me shoes. And because I've told him about my past, he told me to relax and enjoy the present, that he could pay for dinner, that he doesn't keep score. With my xabf I was so used to having him remind me of instances he did pay (when he had money), when he was romantic, nice, etc that I always had to keep score. I always felt awful if I wasn't giving, giving, giving, which is why I gave my xabf so much money.
That's why I come back. To keep myself in check. Old habits die hard. And because this place has so many people who have helped me get through bad times. It only makes sense to pay it forward in any way I can and to be there, even if it's not physically, for someone else.
That is a very good question. It is amazing on the other side. I continue to come back here because it's very easy to fall back into old habits of resentment, being insecure, second guessing myself, being defensive, and so forth.
I'm in a relationship with someone really awesome and every once awhile - like yesterday - I found myself almost reaching an old habit. He bought me a present - a pair of shoes. And instantly, my reaction was oh, I can't let you pay for dinner. You just bought me shoes. And because I've told him about my past, he told me to relax and enjoy the present, that he could pay for dinner, that he doesn't keep score. With my xabf I was so used to having him remind me of instances he did pay (when he had money), when he was romantic, nice, etc that I always had to keep score. I always felt awful if I wasn't giving, giving, giving, which is why I gave my xabf so much money.
That's why I come back. To keep myself in check. Old habits die hard. And because this place has so many people who have helped me get through bad times. It only makes sense to pay it forward in any way I can and to be there, even if it's not physically, for someone else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Thank you all! I was sure that once I posted that I would have outraged responses to my question. But you all have responded with insight, thoughtfulness, grace and patience. I truly appreciate each response and I learned a lot just by those post. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: FtW, Tx
Posts: 198
searching peace - That is a very good question and I have asked it to myself. So the best answer I have for you is being able to give back and support others that have been through similar circumstances. I truly don't think I would have made it without Al-Anon, friends, family and this place. When thing went bad I was devastated, lost, confused and hurt. I could not understand how someone that professed their love for me could be sooooo cruel and hurtful. How someone would choose the booze over their family. How another person could have such a strong hold on my emotions. How I could put someones well-being so far in front of my own. All the way to the point that I could not even function as a father. There were days I had to crawl to the shower. Lack of sleep and in complete misery. All while the alcoholic partied like a rock star. Today I sleep well and have learned how to take care of myself. My life is not unicorns and rainbows. Sometime I still obsess mentally about the path my AXW is taking. Lack of attention she show to my kids (daughter 21 and son 18) and grandson (9mo). People who have not been through this simply do not understand. They tell you things like "just talk to her about the drinking". Like we have not tried that??? Some said just dump them like a rock. Who could do that to someone they love? Not me obviously. It hurts and it hurts bad. Coming to the realization that you truly have no control over another persons decisions is very hard. Coming to terms with the abuse and why we have excepted it can be overwhelming. My personal experience is people that have not been through it just don't have the insight of people that have lived with addiction. We all lean on each other. Also I found myself reading other peoples stories and would think "Why in the h#ll would someone put up with that and want to scream at them run like hell" then wonder why I did not make that decision myself. I hope you find the support you deserve and find some level of peace of mind. Virtual Hugs!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am on here because I feel friendship and I feel understood. I am happy that I left, it is a wonderful feeling. However, I have children with my XAH and it helps me to come here to navigate through it all. I don't think I would have ever been strong enough to be who I am today without the help from SR.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
I only come here occasionally now because most of the time I'm not interested in talking about alcoholism anymore (no offense anyone! I think that is a sign of progress??). Anyway I come when the moment hits, something happened I think may be a nice share that will help others or whatever.
Also...life is not black and white....so yeah the gray areas (which are the healthy areas IMHO) mean we don't either deal with alcoholism or not we do what we do based on the present moment. My XRAH is recovering and we are still friends and dating others (rare) but that's what happened so gray area it is...which leads to occasional times I need to seek extra support ans SR is a great source!
PS - Leaving freed both me and my XRAH. It allowed him to hit bottom (that's not why I left but it was a side effect) and start working on him and it freed me to be me, to re-find myself, to re-find my honest, my life and who I really am.
Also...life is not black and white....so yeah the gray areas (which are the healthy areas IMHO) mean we don't either deal with alcoholism or not we do what we do based on the present moment. My XRAH is recovering and we are still friends and dating others (rare) but that's what happened so gray area it is...which leads to occasional times I need to seek extra support ans SR is a great source!
PS - Leaving freed both me and my XRAH. It allowed him to hit bottom (that's not why I left but it was a side effect) and start working on him and it freed me to be me, to re-find myself, to re-find my honest, my life and who I really am.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I am also here to give back. 13 years ago I was in a DV relationship with a raging drunk and there were women who were serene and together and still showing up to help devastated newcomers like me. I try to give back by doing my little Al Anon commitment here posting the daily Courage To Change and sharing my e.s.h.
I also come here because recovery is a journey and there are always things for me to learn
I also come here because recovery is a journey and there are always things for me to learn
“The more I live, the more I learn. The more I learn, the more I realize, the less I know.”
― Michel Legrand
― Michel Legrand
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I am here, because I have realized that for me it is bigger than the relationship that got me here.
I married a loved one with challenges, because it was what I knew. No one in my immediate family struggled directly with addiction though I think both of their families did.
This relationship has shown a light on my normal, and what I allow, think is acceptable etc.
It has flipped many things upside down. I am so grateful for it, but I am still unearthing thoughts, ideas and emotions around it that I would like to change.
I am no longer in crisis, but I still have a lot of growth left to experience.
I married a loved one with challenges, because it was what I knew. No one in my immediate family struggled directly with addiction though I think both of their families did.
This relationship has shown a light on my normal, and what I allow, think is acceptable etc.
It has flipped many things upside down. I am so grateful for it, but I am still unearthing thoughts, ideas and emotions around it that I would like to change.
I am no longer in crisis, but I still have a lot of growth left to experience.
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