lax

Hi everyone,

I'm rather new here and to alcoholism. I've been going to al-anon for a few months and am still trying to grasp step 1.

Granted, my exposure to others who have loved ones with alcohol or drug addictions is fairly limited, I have not been able to speak with anyone who has dealt with anything similar to my situation.

My BF "quit drinking" before we met and at the time we met religiously downed O'Douls (sometimes 7-10 in an evening). Well, he quit the 'Douls for awhile, then we visited his family and he saw his dad drinking a beer. "Oh, that looks great!" and went for the stock they always keep. He denies he feels the "cravings" for real beer...but hey, O'douls has alcohol in it, looks, smells and tastes like Bud Lite and gives the social emotional satisfaction of drinking...afterall orange juice has alcohol in it due to natural fermation processes...but I don't see him downing that.

Then during vacation at a remote location he got very cranky and expressed his frustration over "just want an O'Douls!". Then he "tasted" his dad's drink to see what kind of alcohol was in it.

I go to AA with him once a week. People there have told him he may as well drink the real thing. Step 1 doesn't say little or a lot of alcohol...it just says no control over alcohol, period. His wonderful (facetious) counselor told him 'Douls was fine.

He doesn't see it, and I'm running out of things to say when he asks me why I seem to be avoiding him, or not looking forward to visiting his family, or quiet when he talks about how wrong the people at AA are, or when he tells people he has a "sponsor", but leaves out how he never talks to him, and when he did talk to him he told the counselor how his recovery should work.

I want to stay out of this, not intervene, not control. It IS hard to watch this danger game he plays. I just can't seem to distinguish the line between protecting myself from the future I see happening and controlling him. If I don't see him, then I won't be upset by the behaviour. But, I know that he'd quit the O'Douls if that happened. If I asked him to he'd quit. However, he'll never come out of denial by me "ordering" him around.

Any thoughts?

lax

Lorelai

Welcome lax !
I don't really have any experience with "near beer" as my AH always drinks the real thing. I also don't have any experience with "recovering" alcoholics since my AH has never tried to get sober.

Not much help, I know. I assume that you are dealing with the same issues that a lot of us are dealing with though and I know you will find help here.

I'm sure that someone will be along soon who has more experience with these issues but I just wanted to welcome you to the boards.

L

journeygal

Hi Lax and welcome.

My dad drank O'Douls before he was really ready to quit and it eventually led him back to real beer. To me its just another form of denial. Your b/f seems to recognize he has a problem with alcohol, but still isn't ready to stop drinking altogether.

You have to decide what you're willing to accept and then go from there. If you can't deal with his O'Douls, then that's your choice. If he decides to stop drinking rather than risk losing you, then that's his choice. We can't control how others will react to our decisions and we shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for any choices they make.

I'm glad you found us and I hope you keep coming back.

Take care,
JG

constant

Hey and welcome,

I have a good friend that was in AA for 13 years and then decided a year ago that he could in fact have O'duls. He stuck w/those for a while, but eventually crossed the line to real beer then mixed drinks. Fortunately after several months he decided he better get his act together. After he was back to being sober he admitted that O'duls was the beginnning of his backslide. He also said he knew the possiblites, but chose it anyway.

Now with that said, regardless of what he chooses, you only have to decide what it is that you can and can't live with. You can't change him but you can choose where the line is drawn to what you accept and what you won't, BUT be sure you a ready to follow thru. If you choose to draw the line w/the O'duls YOU have to be prepared to take the necessary steps if he chooses to not comply. Otherwise your just blowing hot air!! Constant

Gabe

Spicoli used to drink O'Douls to cover the smell of the real beer on his breath.

paula a.

Gee, Gabe, did that work for him??

Dan

I would crack open one of those fake beers after getting home from work and sip it all evening. Covered up nicely the stench of the vodka I was slammimg down in three and four ounce shots from the bottles I had hidden all over the house.

Gabe

Dan, you and Spicoli must have been reading the same play book. I had a really interesting scavenger hunt one morning, finding all the stashed vodka bottles. I'll give him this, he was right clever at where he hid them.

myles1

Near beer is not for anyone trying to abstain from alcohol. His counsellor is wrong.

Ngaire

StandingStrong

My AH went through this phase years ago. He always claimed that he just liked the taste of beer so he tried the "near beer". This only led him into drinking the real thing and then claiming that what I smelled was the "near beer". Or he'd carry the "near beer" in his vehicle so that he'd always have it handy to again, claim that was what he'd been drinking instead of just admitting he'd been truly drinking again.
Personally, I haven't met anyone yet that can go from drinking the real stuff to drinking the "near beer" without crossing back over to the real stuff.
Sounds to me like he's in denial - or just using it to cover up the bigger issue (whether it's the using of the real stuff or the actual craving of the real stuff) Just my opinion.

sunflowergal29

I totally agree w/ the rest of you, but I just thought I'd add this in. It is possible for an a to drink the near beer and stay sober. My uncle is in AA, has been sober for over 18 yrs and he enjoys having the occasional fake beer when he is out at the lake relaxing. I am close to him and as far as I know, he has not had a drop since he quit. I think that he is sober b/c he hit his bottom, b/c he has worked his program. I think that no matter what, it is up to the individual to decide what their recovery is made up of, so if someone feels the need to have a fake beer while working their program it is their choice, even if it may not have worked for someone else.
SFG29

osier59

My BF has been clean and sober for 22 yrs now. He drinks an occasional O'Douls and it's not a problem for either one of us. He seems to be able to keep it at that - and has no real desire to go back to the life or person he was when he was drinking.

His latest addiction? Computer spider solitaire. I guess they will always show addictive behaviours somewhere... .but some are much more acceptable than others.

hugs
Barb

lax

Thanks so much for all of your replies!

Just hearing that others have had/have issues with near beer helps in itself. I was starting to think I was going crazy, or that MY thinking was off when his counselor/therapist told him it was ok. Also, his mom, who is recovering, also went the Douls route...and she hates beer. His dad, who is also a counselor of another sort keeps telling him it's fine...Okay, then I listen to the AA meetings, I start to educate myself on the disease...and suddenly his near beer looks more like a denial/crutch than a form of treatment or tool.

I am open to the fact that some can have it on occasion. Granted, I am new to all this, but I also think that when some people with alcoholism (IMHO), use it as an escape, use it because everyone else is drinking, or crack one open at 3 in the morning because you can't sleep...it only seems to be perpetuating the behaviour that he's trying to recover from.

About step one and my fears of controlling vs. protecting myself...over the past 3 months I've been going to Al-anon, one of the shortcomings I have discovered is manipulation. I am better at it than I ever thought I could be (blushing). Sometimes I try to manipulate him when I'm not trying and have been over-analyzing so much I get stuck - should I, shouldn't I, avoid, confront - it gives me a headache. Your responses have made things less grey in that arena (thanks for the perspectives!). What I can live with IS up to me. And, once I make that decision, my next course of action is to follow through.

So, I've decided to break my silence on the subject, and we've made plans to talk tomorrow. Geez, I feel so much better - thanks everyone!

lax

myles1

Hi,

I think the difference here is if it's an occasional one or if it's a case of 12 fake beers. An occasional one is much different from drinking a whole bunch at a time.

Maybe your counsellor meant he could thinking it was an occasional one. I don't know.

Ngaire