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I think I need new friends.

Old 05-29-2014, 10:27 AM
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I think I need new friends.

Since I decided to get sober, I've found that I'm not half as close with most of my friends as I used to be. I'm 22 and a college student, so a lot of people that I once considered close friends are still drinking and popping pills every second night. There's about 3-4 of the original extended group of 30+ that I still consider friends, and in fairness, they're some of the best friends you could hope for. They supported me 100% when I said I had a problem with alcohol and had to quit, unlike others who tried to convince me that I don't have a problem, even though I knew better.

It seems that since I stopped drinking, they have no interest in hanging out with me anymore. I was a happy drunk and I was always generally too intoxicated to get lost in my thoughts. Since I've been sober, I've read up on a lot of different topics and expanded my knowledge of political and social issues. I'm quite strongly opinionated and I'm quite vocal and blunt with those opinions. I've tried to be quiet and shy like other people I know, because they tend to come across as "nicer", but I just can't. If I feel strongly about something, I have to speak up. I made a Facebook post the other day outlining a viewpoint that could offend some people (truthfully, I probably could have taken the time to exercise a little more tact in my wording) and I was bombarded with messages from a lot of my old friends telling me to "stop being such an *******" and "just shut up". Some of them went on Twitter and unfollowed me. I'll just say that my post related to my contempt for radical feminism, and I thought it was topical considering the misogyny debate following the Elliot Rogers thing. I don't think it was particularly over the top either. I didn't say anything that hadn't already been said by people with a much wider audience than me.

I don't want to censor myself or compromise my egalitarian principles for the sake of keeping a few people happy, but I'm pretty insecure (which is probably why I took to the drink so much initially) and I'm worried that the rest of the group will try to turn the 3-4 friends I have left against me. I've witnessed some of them do petty, vengeful things like that before.

I'm trying to repeat the Aristotle quote in my head to reinforce my belief that I'm not wrong: "To avoid criticism; do nothing, say nothing, be nothing" but it doesn't comfort me when I start convincing myself late at night that everyone hates me. Is it worth compromising yourself as a person to avoid offending some people? Any advice or similar stories would be appreciated. I'm in a pretty bad place right now.

I decided to ask for advice on this site because of the kind, mature community. Apologies if this is in the wrong section.
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Old 05-29-2014, 01:49 PM
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I was old enough to be your dad when I quit, but I too had to change my playground (bars) and playmates (drinking buddies) when I quit. I also found that few of those people were real friends - they totally supported me not drinking. As such, I have zero fear about losing them as friends. Even if I did all this would amount to is me realizing they weren't such good friends after all.
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Old 05-29-2014, 03:06 PM
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My friends are still my friends... I just don't drink with them anymore. I still attend functions with them where they drink, but I'm in bed before they shut down the party. On the other hand, I stay out pretty late with my AA friends... We play sand volleyball until midnight often. Being around and having fun with them makes me appreciate my non-alcoholic friends so much more. Just teaches me how to be me, and not the intoxicated fool I always was.
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Old 05-29-2014, 03:28 PM
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What other people think about me is none of my business.

I think with maturity comes the ability to filter some of my stronger sentiments. I got tired of defending my position on things that were extreme with people who were extreme in the other direction. There are ways to have productive discussions about human rights and then there are ways to inflame. Facebook falls into the latter mode. More importantly I've learned to live and let live. It's exhausting to try to change the whole world, and again, I'm not 22 any more. If I am going to put myself out there, I'm going to have some battles.

Peace.
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Old 05-29-2014, 03:38 PM
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I seriously doubt that 1% of what you consider to be "close" friends at age 22 you will even remember 10 years from now. After all - they are "drinking" buddies. Being an old fart who drank off and on and off and on and totally OFF for the last time - please take some advice without gagging - it's hard enough to be successful in this present day world without adding a substance abuse problem to thwart your goals. My life didn't turn out to be a total wreck because I'm happy with my present state of comfortable retirement. The world is a tricking mess, in case no one has noticed. YOUR silly little alcohol problems are so insignificant compared to people who have REAL problems (like all the service people trying to put THEIR lives back together) Get off your arse, stop whining and DO something to make the world a better place. Even if it's as insignificant as taking another drunk driver off the road or some dude NOT beating up the wife in front of the kids. Life is for the living - SHAWSHANK -"get busy livin" or get busy dyin".
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Old 05-29-2014, 05:12 PM
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I'm sure that you will eventually make new friends. If you beleive in something, if it has value to your principles don't let anyone keep you from expressing your opinion.

You are young, wiser then me at your age. A LOT wiser! Great job on achieving sobriety, the gift is yours!
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Old 05-29-2014, 09:29 PM
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well that's a new one to me. "unfollowed" on twitter. must be the same as "unfriended" on face book. when I was your age it was "crossed out" from my little black book.

Someone said to me recently, you only ever need three good friends your entire life. I don't know how true that is, but over the years people come and go. Real friends will always be there no matter which way you go.

Worry about number 1. If 'freinds' cannot support you not drinking and partying- heck with em.
Do what's right for you - no-one else.
Glad to have you with us.
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Old 05-30-2014, 12:21 AM
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Hey buddy, I was in the same boat (20 and in full time education).

I lost a lot of 'friends' and I use quotation marks because my real friends stuck by me throughout the whole situation and visited me at home when i was too nervous to go out. The people that don't support you are not worth your time, your better off getting rid of them.

One day you'll appreciate everything you've been through because you'll have a group of friends and you'll love each of them. I had a big social circle when I was a drinker and I thought I had roughly two close friends. After everything I've been through I've landed a small circle and I know each of them would support me through anything now, without a doubt. Congratulations on recognising your problem and please don't let social pressure mould who you are.

Best wishes
~ENC
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Old 05-30-2014, 02:39 AM
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You probably do need new friends if all that connects you to most of your old ones is drinking, yes. But with the unfollowing thing - if you want to be opinionated and express your 'contempt' for things you disagree with, you have to expect some people to disagree with you. Most people would unfollow somebody whose posts they don't agree with and don't feel are tactfully expressed. It's just the nature of social media that there will be clashes and retreats.
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Old 05-30-2014, 03:34 AM
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Bombadil... hmm...

Well, I'm 57 and have always been the same way. I'm fairly philosophical so I think about a lot of stuff. Also, one saying that I learned from my dad, which sticks in my mind is: "call a spade a bloody f--king shovel". So yeah, I generally speak my mind too.

Some people like that, some don't. I've learned, over time, to try to be sensitive to the needs of my "audience" but I'm hampered at times by another saying I picked up growing up in NYC: "f--k you if you can't take a joke". That one helps me quite a bit though when things don't go my way and I turn it around on myself.

How does all this relate to sobriety? I think it probably makes staying sober a bit harder but that's too bad. F--k me if I can't take a joke. It took me seven long, torturous years but in my case I finally got desperate enough to work at sobriety, hard! Per AA's suggestions, I sought, and finally found my Higher Power and I believe now that saved my life. Every drunk has to find his/her own path but sincerely, aggressively working the steps is what woking for me.
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Old 05-30-2014, 04:25 AM
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What I know is this, if you have an opinion, that is great and you should be true to yourself. If you are going to be blunt, or as you had said, in need of a more tactful approach, that will ruffle feathers both within the sober community and out. It's all in the delivery.
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