hopeful4

So.....I had told you guys that I found out my XAH had an affair and that the boyfriend of the person he had an affair with asked me out. I said no of course!

Anyhew.....the guy had been sending me messages on Facebook but I had not seen them, they were going to my others folder. He eventually called me at my job (stalker much), and I found the messages. There were about 10 in all, one in detail about the sorrid affair my XAH had with his X. Okey Dokey.

The bad news is, my kids read the messages. I cannot even believe it!

I tried to delete them but could not from my FB app so I figured when I got a chance I would log into the computer to delete them. I just had not had a chance yet.

I have never worried about my kids spying on me b/c I don't have anything to hide. I tried to say that I don't even know that I believe the guy (I do), but they both quickly said, "We believe it."

Now of course, they are ticked off. My older daughter especially and my DD who is 8 picks up on that anger and becomes angry also. I told them that their father and I had not had a good relationship for years and that no matter what has happened or not, I have left all of the bad behind and will carry the good with me forever. That we both love them and both just want to move forward.

That's a lot nicer than what he deserves, but this is a bad situation. Advise??

Florence

Of course they are ticked off, of course they are defensive of you. But I think you said exactly what you should say.

hopeful4

It's just so so hard to watch them struggle through this and still be required to spend time with him. Sigh....

FireSprite

You handled it great (of course, you're a Rock Star with this mom stuff), but there's just no way to keep them from being impacted by this. I think staying available, helping them talk it out, etc, is all you CAN do really. Encourage them to say whatever is on their minds & remind them that they are entitled to be angry & have their own emotions about it all. If you can keep them from stuffing their emotions down (doesn't sound like an issue for your 8-yo ) & show them how to work through it in a healthier way then they'll grow from this experience too. (((HUGS)))

Recovering2

You said the right thing. All you can do is stay positive, and let them work through their anger. I would also suggest telling the guy to stop messaging and calling. You don't need the drama.

MissFixit

Ouch. That smarts all the way around.

My only experience is that my mom told me that my dad cheated on her with his friend from law school. She told me to turn me against my dad. I never said anything to him about it, but it does make me mad. His sex life is not my business. Ironically, he has an emotional (I think thats all) affair with this same friend during his current marriage to my stepmother. I covered for him once when she was asking me all kinds of invasive questions and I said yeah, he spent the weekend with me (he didn't, he went to spend it with his friend out of town, whatever).

I have actually been contemplating saying something to him when (if) we ever have a long sit down talk. Part of me never said anything to him about all I know b/c I have it in my ammo box in case of a nuclear war of words breaks out between us (wouldn't be the first time). I don't know what to advise. They need to talk to a therapist about this kind of stuff. Didn't mess me up too much...or did it????

MAGW

So well said - leave behind the bad and take the good with you forever - I think you did the right thing with the kids; and I also think it is a good way for you, and all of us, to deal with the loss of once was.

redatlanta

I think you handled it well.

When I was in my 20's my mom accused my dad of having an affair. She tried diligently to prove it and came up empty handed. Nonetheless I remember being stunned and upset as parents aren't supposed to do that.

My parents are still married and now close to their 80's. My mom brought it up not too long ago and still believes it is true though she never had one titch of evidence that it was. As an adult I see things differently…..I don't know if it was true. And I don't care. I realized years ago parents are people too and fallible and f**k up. What I see now is that we children should have never been told this it was between them and none of our business. In this case your kids found out by accident - your handling of it was perfect IMO that you did not drag them into the deeper crevasse of the things that went wrong in
the relationship. Bravo!

unsureoffuture

I think you handled that amazingly. You reminded them that no matter what both their parents love them. You leave the bad and take the good. What a great role model you are for those kids.

hopeful4

Thanks everyone. It's so hard to navigate these waters sometimes. I just had a long talk with my XAH about our girls and it was a productive one. No matter how I feel about him, it feels better to have a proactive conversation than to be crappy to each other.

Little dd has counseling tonight, older dd's last day of school was today and she is going to a sleepover and will have fun. Little dd has a softball game after counseling, she thinks she is a pro LOL. She is coach pitch. It's really fun to watch them and cheer her on. They think they are serious business this year.

Everyone have a great weekend. I thank all of my SR friends for the support and kindness you have shown me for such a long time.

XXX