My First CODA Meeting and a Sign from My HP
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My First CODA Meeting and a Sign from My HP
So, last night I went to my first CODA meeting.
I already knew I needed to be there but boy, did I NEED that meeting last night. I didn't really learn a lot that I didn't already know but I also know I can't do this in a bubble. I can't stop being a codie unless I actually get out there and get face time with other codies who are working on the same thing. Books and online ain't gonna cut it.
I didn't have much to contribute last night as I was ready to emotionally bleed out all over the table and knew if I opened my mouth too much I would just BLECH all over everybody else's share time. I gave a brief comment on the topic at hand (prayer) and kept my peace.
But when I got home, I called my sister and the floodgates broke.
I don't usually cry. I gave it up in college when I thought it didn't change anything, so why bother? But last night, I cried and cried and cried. My sister cried too. She asked if she had ever done anything while we were growing up that contributed to my current state.
I said yes, BUT I also told her that with our NPD mom, it really wasn't her fault. Mom kept us at odds with each other to keep us from being united against her disease. Whatever she had done, I got a grip on it long ago and was over it. Of all of my family members, she is the only one who has ever visited me since I moved to the Chi burbs - and she is largely confined to a wheelchair for travel. What an act of love - and I told her so.
Anyway, so I cried myself out. I lay in the dark bedroom and said, "God, I really need a sign from you. I know you don't always offer proof on demand, but I really really need something from you to prove that you are out there and that I am worth all this trouble."
So today after dropping my DD off at school, I look at my keychain and notice one of my keycharms is broken. It was a thick pewter casting of an oak leaf with a small acorn at the top. The pewter loop attached to the acorn and the acorn were still on my keychain but the leaf had broken off and disappeared. My XAH had given it to me when we first moved up here.
And that was my sign.
The acorn. All the oaks that have been or ever will be come from just one tiny acorn.
My life can be my oak tree. I have a little acorn called recovery. If I plant it in the right spot, and nurture it with self love, discovery, dedication to getting better and working a program, I can have a beautiful oak. It may end up with just a few crazy squirrels in it but so what? And the leaves we get so attached to every year? Every year, they slip away. And then new ones come. Things change - and that's OK. My obsessions with XAH will fall away - and be replaced with better things.
Thank you, thank you HP.
So that's what I have for today. I hope it helps someone.
I already knew I needed to be there but boy, did I NEED that meeting last night. I didn't really learn a lot that I didn't already know but I also know I can't do this in a bubble. I can't stop being a codie unless I actually get out there and get face time with other codies who are working on the same thing. Books and online ain't gonna cut it.
I didn't have much to contribute last night as I was ready to emotionally bleed out all over the table and knew if I opened my mouth too much I would just BLECH all over everybody else's share time. I gave a brief comment on the topic at hand (prayer) and kept my peace.
But when I got home, I called my sister and the floodgates broke.
I don't usually cry. I gave it up in college when I thought it didn't change anything, so why bother? But last night, I cried and cried and cried. My sister cried too. She asked if she had ever done anything while we were growing up that contributed to my current state.
I said yes, BUT I also told her that with our NPD mom, it really wasn't her fault. Mom kept us at odds with each other to keep us from being united against her disease. Whatever she had done, I got a grip on it long ago and was over it. Of all of my family members, she is the only one who has ever visited me since I moved to the Chi burbs - and she is largely confined to a wheelchair for travel. What an act of love - and I told her so.
Anyway, so I cried myself out. I lay in the dark bedroom and said, "God, I really need a sign from you. I know you don't always offer proof on demand, but I really really need something from you to prove that you are out there and that I am worth all this trouble."
So today after dropping my DD off at school, I look at my keychain and notice one of my keycharms is broken. It was a thick pewter casting of an oak leaf with a small acorn at the top. The pewter loop attached to the acorn and the acorn were still on my keychain but the leaf had broken off and disappeared. My XAH had given it to me when we first moved up here.
And that was my sign.
The acorn. All the oaks that have been or ever will be come from just one tiny acorn.
My life can be my oak tree. I have a little acorn called recovery. If I plant it in the right spot, and nurture it with self love, discovery, dedication to getting better and working a program, I can have a beautiful oak. It may end up with just a few crazy squirrels in it but so what? And the leaves we get so attached to every year? Every year, they slip away. And then new ones come. Things change - and that's OK. My obsessions with XAH will fall away - and be replaced with better things.
Thank you, thank you HP.
So that's what I have for today. I hope it helps someone.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
What a beautiful sign, and post!!!
And you have already helped me. With this:
I haven't seen my kids' relationship (or, rather, constant fighting) as a symptom of growing up with an A and NPD father. But of course. Thank you for turning the light on in my brain!
And you have already helped me. With this:
I also told her that with our NPD mom, it really wasn't her fault. Mom kept us at odds with each other to keep us from being united against her disease.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 831
I go to a CoDa meeting every week. It saved my life. Without CoDa I would still be in the deepest depression of my life. Suicidal from trying to control my alcoholic and addicted loved one, and failing to keep him from spiraling out of control. His problems and my attempt to control the situation led to my own addiction and problems with alcohol. I go to AA at least once a week too. CoDa liberated me from the shame and guilt that I was carrying and actually allowed me to be able to focus on my own demons. Without CoDa AA was of no use to me. The combination of the two keeps me sober, and I no longer worry about him because I'm only in control of myself. Tough love is hard, but we are survivors. Keep going to meetings.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
What a powerful and honest post. Hugs to you! I am so delighted to hear about your first mtg, the discussion with your sister and the acorn sign!
My sister and I have been paired against each other too. She is pretty mixed up in family drama, but your story gives me a bit of hope.
Also I could not find any CODA meetings near me, so I am glad to get some scoop on them! Thanks!!
My sister and I have been paired against each other too. She is pretty mixed up in family drama, but your story gives me a bit of hope.
Also I could not find any CODA meetings near me, so I am glad to get some scoop on them! Thanks!!
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