New Here...Kicked Husband Out!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 45
New Here...Kicked Husband Out!!
I am so confused on what to do! I have been with my husband for 9 years and I have had enough. I am having problems because for the majority of these years we have argued because of his drinking, which looking back was a waste of my breath! But he went past my limit last week- didn't come home from work- went to a strip club- spent $700 and was completely drunk-and drove home that way! This was his first time doing this and for me his last! I told him to get out. We have 2 kids- 3 y/o and 15 months. He left the next morning and told me it was the best thing I ever did for him so he can get better and come back to what he lost.
He keeps calling and he wants to come home. I told him to get help. He is in a program and going to AA meetings but I have so many issues with trust now. Plus I had already taken on ALL of the responsibilities at home so now that he has gone nothing has changed for me...except arguing with him and cleaning up after him! It has been so much easier and no one to argue with.
But anyway, my reason for writing is that I am confused. He is doing everything I have asked but I feel he still is laking the ownership of his actions and not taking everythins seriously. Such as...he was supposed to call me after his AA meeting and didn't for an hour so he could do what he wanted to. When I questioned him he said "what difference does it make I'm not living at home- what do you care?" I told him that if he cared he would keep his word and that he is not living at home b/c of his actions- NOT MINE!!
Please let me know I am not crazy and what do I do about him! He is 28 y/o and still has not grown up!
Thank you for listening!
Gabigoo
He keeps calling and he wants to come home. I told him to get help. He is in a program and going to AA meetings but I have so many issues with trust now. Plus I had already taken on ALL of the responsibilities at home so now that he has gone nothing has changed for me...except arguing with him and cleaning up after him! It has been so much easier and no one to argue with.
But anyway, my reason for writing is that I am confused. He is doing everything I have asked but I feel he still is laking the ownership of his actions and not taking everythins seriously. Such as...he was supposed to call me after his AA meeting and didn't for an hour so he could do what he wanted to. When I questioned him he said "what difference does it make I'm not living at home- what do you care?" I told him that if he cared he would keep his word and that he is not living at home b/c of his actions- NOT MINE!!
Please let me know I am not crazy and what do I do about him! He is 28 y/o and still has not grown up!
Thank you for listening!
Gabigoo
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: MN
Posts: 103
TIME!! and remember that you cannot do it for him.......be strong girl.....YOU know it is not YOUR actions that lead him down this path, and there is NOTHING you can do to "help" him become sober.......take care
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Indianapolis, In
Posts: 112
oh goodness......YOU are not crazy in the least. I'm furious at him for doing that. With two small children.....wasting money, spending time in a strip club after work. Grrrrrrrrr.....and I am no prude. Heck I have even been to strip clubs. But I have seen too many guys get ruined by them. They become addicted to the atmosphere, the attention of pretty women. And the women laugh all the way to the bank!!
Drinking and driving is so irresponsible. He needs to grow up and grow up fast. I totally understand that now you completely do not trust this man. You don't trust his judgement, his love for you and the kids. As to what you do about him. You have done it. Hang tough. DO not let him get by with being irresponsible and immature. He decided to have kids...he needs to live up to that. Al-Anon meetings would be helpful (so I am told......I need to hit my first one honestly......I keep putting it off.......afriad that my SO will hit the roof over that one).
huge hugs.........you are ABSOLUTELY NOT crazy
Drinking and driving is so irresponsible. He needs to grow up and grow up fast. I totally understand that now you completely do not trust this man. You don't trust his judgement, his love for you and the kids. As to what you do about him. You have done it. Hang tough. DO not let him get by with being irresponsible and immature. He decided to have kids...he needs to live up to that. Al-Anon meetings would be helpful (so I am told......I need to hit my first one honestly......I keep putting it off.......afriad that my SO will hit the roof over that one).
huge hugs.........you are ABSOLUTELY NOT crazy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 10
Hang in there. You've taken a step in the right direction, and keep reading here.
Have you thought about therapy, for either yourself, or maybe even couples therapy if you are ready for that? My AF and I entered couples therapy a few months ago, we go every 2 weeks, and it helped us figure out what we expect from each other, and allowed me to identify clear boundaries I needed to set. Our counselor has a way of getting through my AF's bs about what is really happening. Saying it aloud in front of another person helps you realize you are not crazy, the environment they are creating is crazy.
Hope this helps. I know how hard it is to do everything yourself with young children and having to continue dealing with the craziness even if he is out of the house. Do something nice for yourself today and don't let him force you into making any decisions you are not sure of or ready to make. I used to tell mine I would have to think on it and to call me back in a few days.
Have you thought about therapy, for either yourself, or maybe even couples therapy if you are ready for that? My AF and I entered couples therapy a few months ago, we go every 2 weeks, and it helped us figure out what we expect from each other, and allowed me to identify clear boundaries I needed to set. Our counselor has a way of getting through my AF's bs about what is really happening. Saying it aloud in front of another person helps you realize you are not crazy, the environment they are creating is crazy.
Hope this helps. I know how hard it is to do everything yourself with young children and having to continue dealing with the craziness even if he is out of the house. Do something nice for yourself today and don't let him force you into making any decisions you are not sure of or ready to make. I used to tell mine I would have to think on it and to call me back in a few days.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: WA
Posts: 61
Gabigoo- I hear EVERY word you said! Man life is so hard sometimes. My husband is also an Alcoholic- I also have 2 kids at home (3 and 5 yr old) It is so hard to be in your position. One thing everyone has told me is to get to an alanon meeting....also it is REALLY hard, but your anger and resentment towards him is only going to make things worse. I am not judging you, b/c I do EXACTLY the same things you are doing now. I just know that an alcholic will only get sober if that is what THEY want, we can't MAKE them or guilt them into wanting it. And that fact SUCKS!!!! I feel for you, and at the same time am in the same shoes as you. My husband had a binge this weekend, and I tried to kick him out...I chickened out, but I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. Hang in there and try not to worry about him or his actionsl, such as him needing to call at a certain time or not... Like you said he has to "get better and THEN come back to what he has lost." He has to have that time to get better, before things CAN get better... I hope you hang out here there are some great people who have been there or are there.
diane
diane
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Take time for you and stay seperated for awhile. Your feelings about him not taking it seriously are probably right.
Don't let him move back in too soon and start going to Alanon meetings for yourself.
No you are not crazy.
Ngaire
Don't let him move back in too soon and start going to Alanon meetings for yourself.
No you are not crazy.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
If I understand your post correctly, he's been living elsewhere for one week. After 9 years of problems, one week doesn't seem too long in comparison for me.
However, you have to realize that I'm coming from the standpoint of having been married to my alcoholic husband for 15 1/2 years at the time where I had enough and kicked him out for more than just a week. We've been split up for months now.
My own personal way of dealing with this may not be the answer for you but since you seem to feel alot like I do, I thought I would share.
I have told him that he needs to "prove" to me that he has changed. His words mean nothing to me. All from the past, I know too often times they will tell us exactly what we want to hear, not necessarily the truth. They will make promises to us only to disappoint us when they can't hold true to those promises.
I personally am taking this time to work on me. To work through the issues that I have from having lived with an alcoholic so long. I'm trying to "get my life back" as I tell him and am trying to make the best of this opportunity to also get my kid's the peace of mind that they deserve as well. (Obviously my kids are older than yours but I see the affects that living with an alcoholic father has had on them as well.)
One good thing for you in this, is that you realize "now" that there is a problem. You have taken the first step to get your life in order. This does not make you crazy at all. It makes you sane!
Work on you - and let him work on him. He'll only change when he's good and ready too. It's time for you to decide what you are willing to accept and what you aren't ready to accept and make those personal boundaries that you need.
It is very confusing to love someone that has an addiction. It is hard. And you are definately not crazy.
Read through some of the posts on this board, as well as the sticky posts at the top of the pages and learn what you can. Attend alanon, find a support group. It's an amazing feeling when you find people that know exactly how you feel, have been where you are, and you see there really is hope out there. Life can get better!
Hang in there. I'm sending you lots of strength and positive vibes for a healthy and happy you!
However, you have to realize that I'm coming from the standpoint of having been married to my alcoholic husband for 15 1/2 years at the time where I had enough and kicked him out for more than just a week. We've been split up for months now.
My own personal way of dealing with this may not be the answer for you but since you seem to feel alot like I do, I thought I would share.
I have told him that he needs to "prove" to me that he has changed. His words mean nothing to me. All from the past, I know too often times they will tell us exactly what we want to hear, not necessarily the truth. They will make promises to us only to disappoint us when they can't hold true to those promises.
I personally am taking this time to work on me. To work through the issues that I have from having lived with an alcoholic so long. I'm trying to "get my life back" as I tell him and am trying to make the best of this opportunity to also get my kid's the peace of mind that they deserve as well. (Obviously my kids are older than yours but I see the affects that living with an alcoholic father has had on them as well.)
One good thing for you in this, is that you realize "now" that there is a problem. You have taken the first step to get your life in order. This does not make you crazy at all. It makes you sane!
Work on you - and let him work on him. He'll only change when he's good and ready too. It's time for you to decide what you are willing to accept and what you aren't ready to accept and make those personal boundaries that you need.
It is very confusing to love someone that has an addiction. It is hard. And you are definately not crazy.
Read through some of the posts on this board, as well as the sticky posts at the top of the pages and learn what you can. Attend alanon, find a support group. It's an amazing feeling when you find people that know exactly how you feel, have been where you are, and you see there really is hope out there. Life can get better!
Hang in there. I'm sending you lots of strength and positive vibes for a healthy and happy you!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: WI
Posts: 49
First, I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Second, our situations are soooo similar!! I have been with my alcoholic/addict husband for 10 years. We also have 2 kids - ages 4 and 15 months. It sucks to be us, but stay strong. You've had enough and make sure he knows it.
They will say ANYTHING to get their foot back in the door. They are MASTER MANIPULATORS who will do whatever they can do get what they want. Work on yourself right now. Do what is best for you and the kids. I wish I had more advice, but I'm getting my "plan" together and putting it into action. I've finally had enough after his alcohol/drug binge last summer - landed him in rehab - then he cheated (while sober) in April - now he's drinking again and in total denial. It's all starting again. I wish you the best of luck! Stick around here - there are so many of us in the same boat (sadly enough, right) and this place has been a great comfort for me (and a great place to VENT too!)
They will say ANYTHING to get their foot back in the door. They are MASTER MANIPULATORS who will do whatever they can do get what they want. Work on yourself right now. Do what is best for you and the kids. I wish I had more advice, but I'm getting my "plan" together and putting it into action. I've finally had enough after his alcohol/drug binge last summer - landed him in rehab - then he cheated (while sober) in April - now he's drinking again and in total denial. It's all starting again. I wish you the best of luck! Stick around here - there are so many of us in the same boat (sadly enough, right) and this place has been a great comfort for me (and a great place to VENT too!)
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: New Castle Pa
Posts: 67
I have been married to my AH for 12 years we have 4 children, 2 are mine from my first marriage 1 is his from his first marriage and 1 together, I left him for 2 weeks and he stayed sober the whole time I was gone and went through the whole manipulative speach..... we moved back even though I was not really ready to and 1 week later he started drinking again and has drank every day since I have decided one boundry is that I will NEVER pack my 4 children up again and leave the house we will just live together miserably I wish I could make him leave. the next time I will make sure he is in the program and working in for atleast 6 months.... What I am doing by staying with this man is I am loosing all the love I have to make it work.
I have bad health problems and was sent to the ER last sat after having a sezuire from the stress...... I have learned tonight when he cmae home so drunk he feel to the ground I called his Dad and said you need to come pick your son up off the floor, I took my step daughter driving me and the 3 kids went to get ice cream and drove around. My life will no longer stop when he decides to drink....... I know I will not get alot of alone time for fear of leaving the kids home with him but my relationship with them is so strong and loving for that I love this ALcoholic.
Stay strong and know that it takes longer than a few weeks to work the program and PLEASE know the program works for them IF they work it if they stop it stops.
Good luck and know we are all here for you. ((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
I have bad health problems and was sent to the ER last sat after having a sezuire from the stress...... I have learned tonight when he cmae home so drunk he feel to the ground I called his Dad and said you need to come pick your son up off the floor, I took my step daughter driving me and the 3 kids went to get ice cream and drove around. My life will no longer stop when he decides to drink....... I know I will not get alot of alone time for fear of leaving the kids home with him but my relationship with them is so strong and loving for that I love this ALcoholic.
Stay strong and know that it takes longer than a few weeks to work the program and PLEASE know the program works for them IF they work it if they stop it stops.
Good luck and know we are all here for you. ((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 45
I am SO greatful for all your advice to my thread! This has been a tough time but I feel that everyone here understands and is so supportive! I realized while reading everyone's comments there's a recurring theme...it takes time and it is all up to him, not me! And I feel better! I even took time today to go to a spa!!!
I am going to speak with a couselor tomorrow to start to resolve my issues and I'm going to hit an Al Anon meeting as well. I have to make time for MY healing and like many of you said... let him deal with his own issues!
Anyway, each and everyone of you are so strong and have so much to offer and I appreciate you helping me with advice!
Oh yeah...last question...what do I do with my mother-in-law that is convinced that her "precious" son is only having problems because of his "crazy" wife (me) and that this should be helped with just a little marriage counseling?
Gabi
I am going to speak with a couselor tomorrow to start to resolve my issues and I'm going to hit an Al Anon meeting as well. I have to make time for MY healing and like many of you said... let him deal with his own issues!
Anyway, each and everyone of you are so strong and have so much to offer and I appreciate you helping me with advice!
Oh yeah...last question...what do I do with my mother-in-law that is convinced that her "precious" son is only having problems because of his "crazy" wife (me) and that this should be helped with just a little marriage counseling?
Gabi
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: New Castle Pa
Posts: 67
I HAVE ONE OF THOSE! THAT TOO WILL resolve in time.. I used to call her everyday he drank and she yelled at me and said if I wasn;t going to support him than I needed to leave.
this was after 1 ER visit that landed him in a mental ward, I took him in after to help, ONe visit to a rehab he signed himself out after 2 days, I moved out for 2 weeks she was coming by every day cooking for him, and all...... 1 week later he started drinking and she just was so proud of him..... it was like a slap in the face when his Dad called her to tell her what life has really been like all these months.
she is just your IN LAW... as long as she is good to the kids thats great, refuse to talk about any other issues. do what you need to for you girl!
this was after 1 ER visit that landed him in a mental ward, I took him in after to help, ONe visit to a rehab he signed himself out after 2 days, I moved out for 2 weeks she was coming by every day cooking for him, and all...... 1 week later he started drinking and she just was so proud of him..... it was like a slap in the face when his Dad called her to tell her what life has really been like all these months.
she is just your IN LAW... as long as she is good to the kids thats great, refuse to talk about any other issues. do what you need to for you girl!
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