Synfull Vyxun

Ok so a year and a half ago, I left England, my alcoholic mother and the life of hell I was living.
I moved back home to Australia, which was the best decision I made in a long time. I told no one what I was planning, other than my father right at the last minute, so I could say good bye to him.
I have since had some contact with my A mother, but everything I have said is apparently "nasty" even though every letter I sent, told her how much I love her, and I want her to get better, I left because I felt I was making things worse and not helping her, but I was wrong again. Now she is texting my father and asking when I will "stop punishing her and breaking her heart" as she had a bad mothers day, and misses me.
I wish she had of thought of this a long time ago, before she said and did the nasty disgusting things she did to me, for years.
My mother is an alcoholic in denial, in the worst way, her friends are alcoholics too and so are the random men she picks up in bars. I left and hoped it would be her rock bottom, she has lost her only child, her 1st and 2nd husband, the pub we ran together, her animals, morals and self respect. Her father was a violent alcoholic and kicked her out at 18, she changed her name and moved to Australia and married my dad, so why can't she see that she is just like her father, as much as we all hate to say it, we are all just like our parents.

When I got back to Australia, I went to stay with an Aunty I hadn't seen for years, and it was great at the start, but she lent me money for the flight home as she knew what I was going through with my mother. So I did what I could to pay her back, even though I was sick at the time from stress and depression, anxiety and agoraphobia.
But it turns out that said aunt was a worse A than my mother, I was kicked out of her place after a couple of months, but I am still paying her back, transferring money to her bank when I can. Now she has branded me lazy, a liar and a thief!!!!! So no contact there anymore, well after all the abusive emails to myself, her own mother and other members of our family, they have now stopped thank god.
So I moved up north to an ex boyfriend who professed his love for me for many years while I was in England, big mistake, he turned out t be the same cheating a**hole but worse now, after he lost his cousin who was also like his brother/best friend he sort of died inside, and all he cares about now are cars and sl*ts, So needless to say we are no longer together. No contact with him or the rest of his family.

I am now single, (feeling very alone) I got myself a little flat, which is not very good and leaks in the rain but it is all mine.
I still have the anxiety attacks and agoraphobia, I worry and stress too much about the little things, but I feel I am overcoming them little by little.
Until my family come around and start assuming things, like I am not studying because I am on facebook all the time, which is so untrue and not very nice of them to think this, as they do not ask me what I have been doing, or anything, they just assume like the mother, aunty, stepfather, etc etc...
I have since deleted facebook as my mother found me and requested to be my friend, along with all the rest of the BS that comes with facebook.
My dad rings once a month or so from England but always when drunk, (until one of his brothers told him off for it, as I have told them all I am unhappy about the amount of alcohol all of my family drink, they all agree, at least they are not in denial) Dad is now being evicted from his flat (as it was a council flat that another guy was meant to live in, but he moved in with a girlfriend and rented to my dad, well the other guy has now gone to jail, so next time my family tell me I have bad friends I can throw many things back at them all now.) and I am worried about him, as I don't know if he is homeless or what, hopefully he rings this weekend, but then again I may not be here, as I went for a job interview yesterday in one of the pubs up the road.
I know.... I don't help myself, surrounding myself with more alcoholics, but I love this sort of job and at least if I am on the inside of the bar I cannot drink.
Don't get me wrong I love a good drink, but every now and then, not all the time, day in, day out, I can't handle the hangovers and my body will only accept alcohol that I like the taste of or it rejects it straight away which I am thank full for, I can never become like the rest of my family.

SO here is to a new start, with a new job hopefully, my new friend Scott, who has really helped me a lot with my confidence issues, venting and family problems, he lives next to my grandmother and his mother died when he was very young, I do feel bad saying the things I do about my mother and he knows I love her really but he understands that the things she does when drunk and the person she has become p**sses me off. his grandmother looked after him and she is a little nosy bugga so he knows how frustrating mothers can be.

So I don't really want to be in contact with A mother, but I figure I might send her a small card just telling her my studies are going well, hopefully I get this job and can tell her that, tell her I love her and that is all she gets. It is her 50th Birthday in October and I will send her a card and maybe a little bracelet I am making or something.

So there is my story revisited, I am back now as I remember how much help I got on this site when I was having a rough time before, I hope to help others as well, as we are all the same boat.

So please feel free to add me as a friend, or comment, all honesty is very welcome, I know I have a lot of issues and my views and thoughts on things are all over the place, I am so lost at the minute, and confused as I have been brought up with 2 faced, manipulative, hypocritical, alcoholic, guilt tripping, crazy parents and people in general.

Thank you for taking the time to read story, this is the short censored version, my life has been a living hell but I am trying so hard to be positive now and live my life for myself and my own happiness.

AZliving

One thing that is helping me through my rough patches, is God. He is always with me, his is non-judgmental, and forgives me for all the wrong I have done to my family. I find peace in him, and I know that his lovingkindness is forever. Big Hugs to you, and know people here do understand, and wish you will.

Kialua

Hi, nice to hear from you again. Glad you survived all the fires out there

Sorry you are feeling down. Sounds like you are making the best of a bad situation by getting on with your life. I always sent cards and gifts to my parents and was the good daughter whether or not they understood or cared.

Did you ever find a group there?

Synfull Vyxun

Thanks, no offence, but I don't believe there is a higher power at the minute, if there is he is really sticking it to me at the minute. I believe in karma and love, I try to be nice and genuine to all, no matter who they are, what colour they are, or what their belief system is. I just want people to accept me for the person that I am, I think I grew up quite well considering most of my family are addicts to drugs or alcohol, I have always been manipulated and guilt tripped, used and abused, my family are so very hypocrytical, and as much as I am lost and confused now I could be a whole lot worse of a person.

Synfull Vyxun

Hi Kialua, It's been awhile hey, yeah survived the bushfires, had to leave the crazy A aunt though.

I am trying to get on with my life, as I am the only one who can do it, and I can't spend any more time being cooped up inside sick from stressing about stuff that doesn't really matter in the whole scheme of things.

I have always been the good daughter and my life has suffered because of this, I feel I shouldn't have to send them anything, mother should be kissing the ground I walk on to get me back in her life if she is telling the truth, but I know this is just a dream, or a night mare, as I don't think things will ever be the same between us now I know what she really thinks of me, as a person and her only daughter. Now I know how much of a good liar and deceiver she is, I have her facebook password and check it every now and then to see if she is still drinking all the time, of course, as expected, she is, still with the guy she cheated on my stepfather with, still drinking with her best friend Natalie, whose side she took when Natalie threatened to hit me once.
She has not hit her rock bottom and may never do, her life is still great and I am the one suffering still. I want to live my life with no worries about what they will say or do, and I know I shouldn't worry as it is my life but it is bloody hard.
I applied for a job in a new strip club that just opened in town, all of my family said I should not work there, it was a bar job, so no exposing myself, and they keep on at me about getting a job, I am not fussy, working in a strip joint is better than cleaning toilets or slaughtering animals, both of which I have done. But obviously the family want complete control of my life, even though they hardly know me.

So yes as you can see, Im still lost, haven't found a group yet, have been to a psychologist but she was also one of my aunties as well, and they were in cahoots together and the was no confidentiality there, was not impressed so I am on a mission to find my own someone to talk to, may look into finding a group now I am allowed to speak my mind. Thanks

Kialua

Try http://www.meetup.com/cities/au/toowoomba/
Maybe you could start a group, put out a call for other ACOA's. Maybe follow the book together and work the steps? Just a thought. I found it important to live my own life and only approach my parents on my terms, not being sucked into any drama by them. But I really mastered emotional disconnect early on.

Synfull Vyxun

thanks I will try that, but that means I have to go out and actually see people, I am finding this hard still. Even good friends, so will be harder with strangers.

Kialua

Well considering how much you've done taking charge and moving across the world you might be surprised how much you can do. Old tapes like to tell me I can't but new trys show me I can. Good luck!