Not wanting to enable but am confused?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Kalgoorlie
Posts: 18
Not wanting to enable but am confused?
Hello all, I'm new here and need help! My partner has a drinking problem, living with him for the past four years now means I have a whole range of problems! Anywho, after a terribly predictable birthday of mine a couple weeks ago and him being verbally abusive I am going to seek help for me and try learn ways to detach and provide a happier, healthier home for my children.
Long story short, I want to move the beer fridge and outdoor television off the back patio and into the shed at the back of our property as even hearing the tab on a beer can go "pssht" is making me feel physically ill.
I don't see the point in him sitting so close to the house when he is so literally isolated from our family. From the time he gets home to when he staggers off to bed (or now the couch) he'll sit out there like this anti social grump who just wants to drink beer after beer ALONE!
Do you think I have any right to move these items? Is putting it in the back shed like saying,"drink to your hearts content"? I'm not about to tell the man who financially provides for this family that he cannot drink on his own property. I want to! I wish he would bugger off to do the drinking! But that could mean DUI's or worse.
Would I be making it better or worse to get him to move his man cave? Please help!
Long story short, I want to move the beer fridge and outdoor television off the back patio and into the shed at the back of our property as even hearing the tab on a beer can go "pssht" is making me feel physically ill.
I don't see the point in him sitting so close to the house when he is so literally isolated from our family. From the time he gets home to when he staggers off to bed (or now the couch) he'll sit out there like this anti social grump who just wants to drink beer after beer ALONE!
Do you think I have any right to move these items? Is putting it in the back shed like saying,"drink to your hearts content"? I'm not about to tell the man who financially provides for this family that he cannot drink on his own property. I want to! I wish he would bugger off to do the drinking! But that could mean DUI's or worse.
Would I be making it better or worse to get him to move his man cave? Please help!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
^^^ This was the most helpful document for me, with emphasis on numbers 2, 9, and 10.
^^^ This was the most helpful document for me, with emphasis on numbers 2, 9, and 10.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I dunno, are you ready for him to remove himself entirely from the property (and you/family) so he can continue his drinking in peace and possibly stop supporting you? I take it you aren't married but you have kids together and he supports you all? I mean... it is his house, too, and he kinds of controls the situation if he's supporting you all. I would think it would **** him off, so you may want to brace yourself for the consequences.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Hi kalalanon,
Thank you for sharing. It was a bit hard for me to think of a response, but one question came to mind: what are you gaining by moving the things you listed to the back/shed area? You mentioned how it makes you physically ill to hear the sounds, but will moving the beer fridge alleviate everything else you may be feeling?
I would suggest really thinking about what you need to feel better in the long term, not what will ease you temporarily.
Thank you for sharing. It was a bit hard for me to think of a response, but one question came to mind: what are you gaining by moving the things you listed to the back/shed area? You mentioned how it makes you physically ill to hear the sounds, but will moving the beer fridge alleviate everything else you may be feeling?
I would suggest really thinking about what you need to feel better in the long term, not what will ease you temporarily.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
You mentioned that you would like a healthier and happier home for your children. You did not say if they are HIS children?
Living in a home with alcoholism is not a good environment for the children.
It would appear that your chief conflict is an economic one. You depend on him for economic support. Moving the goods out to the shed won't really help that, I don't expect.
As anvil head has suggested---seeking economic independence would help to eliminate him as your chief conflict.
You would also be wise to embark on self-learning and awareness---this would help you to avoid such a relationship in the future. Unless there is some self-awareness and enlightenment--most everyone is destined to repeat the same mistake in future relationships.
dandylion
Living in a home with alcoholism is not a good environment for the children.
It would appear that your chief conflict is an economic one. You depend on him for economic support. Moving the goods out to the shed won't really help that, I don't expect.
As anvil head has suggested---seeking economic independence would help to eliminate him as your chief conflict.
You would also be wise to embark on self-learning and awareness---this would help you to avoid such a relationship in the future. Unless there is some self-awareness and enlightenment--most everyone is destined to repeat the same mistake in future relationships.
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Originally Posted by dandylion 
You mentioned that you would like a healthier and happier home for your children. You did not say if they are HIS children?
dandylion
dandylion
Long-term, it is much better for the children to be out of the alcoholic situation. But short-term, they get very confused, very upset, and they don't understand. I know in my situation, I knew about what I wanted from the long-term, but I had to get through the short-term first...and it was rough. And, as it turned out, if I focused more on the long-term, I probably would have left sooner.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Kalgoorlie
Posts: 18
Okay. I think I need to take a deep breath and calm down.
You are all so helpful it makes me want to cry. I am so grateful I found this forum.
You've all made some really good points. I won't rearrange the furniture just yet, I will however rewrite my c.v and start applying for part time positions to get some independence back.
I can't remember who wrote it but I agree it looks like the short term will be the hardest.
There is only one weekly meeting for Al anon in my town which was last night and I missed it because my partner was late home (the car broke down so can't really blame him for that!)
Until next Wednesday you might be hearing from me often xx
You are all so helpful it makes me want to cry. I am so grateful I found this forum.
You've all made some really good points. I won't rearrange the furniture just yet, I will however rewrite my c.v and start applying for part time positions to get some independence back.
I can't remember who wrote it but I agree it looks like the short term will be the hardest.
There is only one weekly meeting for Al anon in my town which was last night and I missed it because my partner was late home (the car broke down so can't really blame him for that!)
Until next Wednesday you might be hearing from me often xx
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