Heartsick for husband
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Join Date: May 2014
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Heartsick for husband
Hello, I am new to the forums, and I am looking for a little bit of help coping with what has very recently come to pass in my husband's family. My husband is the oldest child in his family and his youngest sibling has a drug addiction. She has been a drug addict for the last ten years, with the last four involving heroin. Her parents have always given her everything and refused to fully believe that she had problems until the last couple years. Even when they realized the extent of her addiction, though, they continued to support her in every possible way financially. She has been given vehicles which she totals while high, she is given a roof over her head time and again here at home and many times they have financed her whims to live out of state, regardless of the cost of living in luxurious locations, and when she inevitably winds up back on heroin and either gets beaten to a point that she runs back home or whomever she was living with kicks her out because of her habits, she returns home with nothing but the clothes on her back, leaving thousands of dollars of clothing and furniture behind, only to have it all repurchased for her when she returns home.
My husband is the only child in the family with children. We have two wonderful babies, ages 1 and 3. His sister has recently moved back to live with her father, but she visits her mother often (they do not live more than a few miles away from each other), and she is spending many nights/days with her drug dealer boyfriend whom has provided her with transportation after her recent totaling of the newest vehicle her parents had bought her. Within the last couple of weeks, we made a stand that we would not be bringing our children to visit their grandparents if she was present because she has gone back to heroin again and we don't want our children around her. It just isn't safe.
We explained our decision to his sister and his parents. They all said they understood but immediately his parents started suggesting that maybe we allow her to visit with them but to 'monitor' her interactions. We said no, and we made it clear that we would let them know ahead of time of when we planned on visiting and asked that she not be present so our children would get to see their grandparents. We explained that any violation of that would result in us leaving immediately. Taking such a hard line is the first time that his sister has ever been told no for anything, by the way. Anyway, we had planned to visit my in-laws several days in advance and even called that morning. They knew we were coming. (We only visit once or twice a month for an afternoon/evening...in total maybe a 5 hour visit) They knew our wishes, but when we got there she was there. My husband left my children and I in the car to go talk to his parents. When he explained that we couldn't stay unless she left because it wasn't good for our children to be around her, we were told by his father to leave. My husband then went into the house to explain to his sister that we were leaving and our children were going to miss out on seeing their grandparents because she couldn't find something else to do for a couple hours. She made a huge scene, sobbing and swearing that because she started therapy a week ago she is cured. My husband left the house and got into the car, she ran after him in dramatic fashion, allowing our children, who adore her, to see her in such a frantic state before we were able to back out of the drive. The entire way home our children cried and asked why we left without visiting. They were heartbroken.
My husband took a day or so to cool off and called his mother to discuss how the events transpired. Of the parents, I personally have had very intimate conversations with her, and she led me to believe that she was done with my sister-in-law's behavior and would not enable her any longer. Well, I was wrong. She quickly informed my husband that she didn't think her daughter was able to be saved and therefore figures she will end up dead within the next few years. She said she simply cannot bear denying her anything as she feels death is so near. My husband tried to explain that we aren't asking that they cut her off, we are only asking that they ask her to do something else for 5 hours 2 days out of a month...or even one day for that matter. She has plenty of options, visit her boyfriend, stay at her father's house, go shopping, just about anything for 5 hours as she doesn't even live with her mother. She told us that she simply can't do that and risk upsetting her daughter. She said she would be willing to come visit us every once in a while (which, by the way, she has never come just for a visit with us as a family because there is always some sort of crisis that needs her attention. She has come to babysit when we have had no other option, but we have tried to make that request few and far between because of how stressful it is for her to leave her house). But, she told us that unless we are willing to relax our stance, we can't visit her anymore.
I am furious. She has chosen her drug addict daughter over her son whom has a family and works so hard. His father has chosen his drug addict daughter over his oldest son and only grandchildren. She is addicted to heroin, among other things, and they are addicted to her. I am so heartsick for my husband because I think he (and I, for that matter) thought that when faced with the possibility of losing one of the only sane part of their lives in their son and precious grandchildren, they would have at least been a little flexible. But no, they are taking a hard line with us, giving us ultimatums that they have never given to their daughter. It is disgusting. I am furious. I am heartbroken. She readily admitted that she feels her daughter is on the verge of death (which I think is just an excuse to condone behavior) but says it might take years. YEARS. We are planning on having more children. How much of our children's lives are they willing to miss for her because they simply can't tell her to do something else ONCE A MONTH for a few hours? How much of my husband's life are they willing to miss? The reasoning that she is going to die in a few years is complete BS...any one of us could die in a few years. I live with that fear daily as my husband has a very long commute for work and car accidents happen all of the time. How would they feel if something horrible happens to any one of us? Would their reasoning seem as important then? GAH! It is disgusting.
I just feel helpless and angry. So very angry. Please help me understand at least something related to this because, as of now, this is all just lunacy.
My husband is the only child in the family with children. We have two wonderful babies, ages 1 and 3. His sister has recently moved back to live with her father, but she visits her mother often (they do not live more than a few miles away from each other), and she is spending many nights/days with her drug dealer boyfriend whom has provided her with transportation after her recent totaling of the newest vehicle her parents had bought her. Within the last couple of weeks, we made a stand that we would not be bringing our children to visit their grandparents if she was present because she has gone back to heroin again and we don't want our children around her. It just isn't safe.
We explained our decision to his sister and his parents. They all said they understood but immediately his parents started suggesting that maybe we allow her to visit with them but to 'monitor' her interactions. We said no, and we made it clear that we would let them know ahead of time of when we planned on visiting and asked that she not be present so our children would get to see their grandparents. We explained that any violation of that would result in us leaving immediately. Taking such a hard line is the first time that his sister has ever been told no for anything, by the way. Anyway, we had planned to visit my in-laws several days in advance and even called that morning. They knew we were coming. (We only visit once or twice a month for an afternoon/evening...in total maybe a 5 hour visit) They knew our wishes, but when we got there she was there. My husband left my children and I in the car to go talk to his parents. When he explained that we couldn't stay unless she left because it wasn't good for our children to be around her, we were told by his father to leave. My husband then went into the house to explain to his sister that we were leaving and our children were going to miss out on seeing their grandparents because she couldn't find something else to do for a couple hours. She made a huge scene, sobbing and swearing that because she started therapy a week ago she is cured. My husband left the house and got into the car, she ran after him in dramatic fashion, allowing our children, who adore her, to see her in such a frantic state before we were able to back out of the drive. The entire way home our children cried and asked why we left without visiting. They were heartbroken.
My husband took a day or so to cool off and called his mother to discuss how the events transpired. Of the parents, I personally have had very intimate conversations with her, and she led me to believe that she was done with my sister-in-law's behavior and would not enable her any longer. Well, I was wrong. She quickly informed my husband that she didn't think her daughter was able to be saved and therefore figures she will end up dead within the next few years. She said she simply cannot bear denying her anything as she feels death is so near. My husband tried to explain that we aren't asking that they cut her off, we are only asking that they ask her to do something else for 5 hours 2 days out of a month...or even one day for that matter. She has plenty of options, visit her boyfriend, stay at her father's house, go shopping, just about anything for 5 hours as she doesn't even live with her mother. She told us that she simply can't do that and risk upsetting her daughter. She said she would be willing to come visit us every once in a while (which, by the way, she has never come just for a visit with us as a family because there is always some sort of crisis that needs her attention. She has come to babysit when we have had no other option, but we have tried to make that request few and far between because of how stressful it is for her to leave her house). But, she told us that unless we are willing to relax our stance, we can't visit her anymore.
I am furious. She has chosen her drug addict daughter over her son whom has a family and works so hard. His father has chosen his drug addict daughter over his oldest son and only grandchildren. She is addicted to heroin, among other things, and they are addicted to her. I am so heartsick for my husband because I think he (and I, for that matter) thought that when faced with the possibility of losing one of the only sane part of their lives in their son and precious grandchildren, they would have at least been a little flexible. But no, they are taking a hard line with us, giving us ultimatums that they have never given to their daughter. It is disgusting. I am furious. I am heartbroken. She readily admitted that she feels her daughter is on the verge of death (which I think is just an excuse to condone behavior) but says it might take years. YEARS. We are planning on having more children. How much of our children's lives are they willing to miss for her because they simply can't tell her to do something else ONCE A MONTH for a few hours? How much of my husband's life are they willing to miss? The reasoning that she is going to die in a few years is complete BS...any one of us could die in a few years. I live with that fear daily as my husband has a very long commute for work and car accidents happen all of the time. How would they feel if something horrible happens to any one of us? Would their reasoning seem as important then? GAH! It is disgusting.
I just feel helpless and angry. So very angry. Please help me understand at least something related to this because, as of now, this is all just lunacy.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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What can anyone say? You're faced with some hard truths about your in-laws codependency with their daughter. They've called you on your boundaries, and if you're not willing to let your children spend supervised time with their aunt, they you will have to leave the visiting to the GPs.
You can't control their behaviour, so no matter how angry you feel on your husband's behalf, the only thing you can control is your reaction. Try keeping communications channels open, and maybe they will miss their grandchildren enough to relent.
Part of your (understandable) anger appears to be about how easy she has it, but compare her empty addicted life with yours, and try to focus on real values.
You can't control their behaviour, so no matter how angry you feel on your husband's behalf, the only thing you can control is your reaction. Try keeping communications channels open, and maybe they will miss their grandchildren enough to relent.
Part of your (understandable) anger appears to be about how easy she has it, but compare her empty addicted life with yours, and try to focus on real values.
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Join Date: May 2014
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I definitely am frustrated that there are no boundaries for her when it comes to them. I am angry that they justify spending every ounce of their being on her when she is clearly abusing them, all the while my husband begs for their attention and very rarely receives it. I know we have a much better life than she does, and I wouldn't want to change that for the world. I just feel such anger toward them, and toward her, for depriving my husband of his family and my children of beautiful memories. I am scared that if we do soften our boundaries (which is out of the question in my mind) that my children will eventually see what is happening, see that she is able to abuse drugs and face no real repercussions, and somehow feel like that is an attractive option. Addiction runs in my husband's family, and I don't want my children to be exposed to it anymore than they have to be. I certainly don't want them around her when she always has something on her that they could get ahold of from her. I am so steadfast in this belief that if we allow our children to be around her and witness how the family handles (or doesn't handle) the situation, they will be attracted to the same lifestyle. My husband's family is very focused on handling any crisis within the family. This has created a strong bond within the family, but it has caused more problems than it has solved. They cannot solve drug addiction. They cannot cure their dependence on her addiction. But they refuse to do anything about it, and they are willing to shut out my husband and children in the process. Their son and grandchildren deserve better from them!
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I want so badly to talk with his parents explaining how painful this all is, but I know that it would do absolutely no good. My husband has already spoken with them and pleaded on our family's behalf, only to fall on deaf ears. Yet, I feel anger in that respect too, as why should we have to continually hold our frustrations and disappointments, never being able to vent them out of fear of upsetting someone...when they apparently don't care about the pain they inflict on us. If this only affected me, I would be angry and upset, but not to this extent. The fact that my children are going to suffer from their grandparents blindness and aunt's addiction is what truly enrages me. The fact that I have to watch my husband's heart break because he finally truly realizes that his parents have chosen his sister over him and his children is what truly enrages me. How can they do that? How can they choose her over EVERYONE else? They have other children aside from my husband, and they choose her over them EVERY SINGLE TIME. How can they do that? Why can't they see the pain they are causing the entire family? Why can't they see that the only shot at saving their daughter is to stop enabling her? Why do they keep coming up with excuses?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Telling them what you think of them won't change anything and will leave you even more frustrated and angry.
Have you and your husband tried Al-anon or Nar-anon or any form of meeting to help you live a balanced life regardless of the chaos that surrounds you? Many of us here found our balance through these meetings and it may help you too to give them a try.
We cannot change anyone except ourselves. For me, that meant letting go of the need to rescue my son from his addiction and his own bad behaviour...in the end, none of that was mine to rescue, only he could save himself.
I'm sorry you are going through all this. It's hard to find peace in a family where addiction resides. Prayers out for all of you.
Hugs
Have you and your husband tried Al-anon or Nar-anon or any form of meeting to help you live a balanced life regardless of the chaos that surrounds you? Many of us here found our balance through these meetings and it may help you too to give them a try.
We cannot change anyone except ourselves. For me, that meant letting go of the need to rescue my son from his addiction and his own bad behaviour...in the end, none of that was mine to rescue, only he could save himself.
I'm sorry you are going through all this. It's hard to find peace in a family where addiction resides. Prayers out for all of you.
Hugs
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I also want to reiterate that we aren't asking that they cut her off. All we are asking is that we be able to visit once or twice a month for maybe 5 hours at a time....so 10 hours a month for our children to see their grandparents. They aren't willing to ask her to stay at her father's or go to her boyfriend's or do anything at all for those 10 hours out of the month in case she wants to come stop by for maybe ten minutes just to chat with her mom during that time. It just baffles me why that is difficult to do. She isn't even there for any extended period of time usually, she just pops in and out on a whim a couple times a day as she goes about who knows what for her regular daily activities.
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Thank you, Ann. I will have to look into programs in our area. I don't know if I can convince my husband to go to something like that as he is usually very reserved in nature and certainly more so regarding his family issues. If nothing else, I can go so I can try to find some peace and maybe bring the message back home to my husband.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
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My husband didn't go either, he just coped on his own and got by. I went anyway and have never regretted that decision, not for a moment, and in the end, much of what I learned I shared with my husband and he learned by osmosis, lol, a lot of my coping skills.
Hope you find something in your area, it's well worth giving it a try.
Hugs
Hope you find something in your area, it's well worth giving it a try.
Hugs
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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You're trying to control other's behaviors which is impossible to do. Did I miss why you can't just invite the grandparents to your home and then you control who visits and who is welcome?
edited to add: I'm sorry for what you're going through and I probably wouldn't want my young children around an active addict either.
edited to add: I'm sorry for what you're going through and I probably wouldn't want my young children around an active addict either.
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They said that they would come visit, but they have never visited us for more than a couple minutes if they were passing through. There has never been a sit down and relax type of visit from them. We have needed someone to babysit the kids a couple times and his mother has done that for us, but it isn't often because there is always some sort of crisis---or potential for issue---that creates anxiety for her. To have both of them come up together for regular visits would be a miracle because they always want to have at least one of them at home in case they are needed by their daughter. We have always come to them because of the anxiety his mother feels in leaving her home and to accommodate the busy schedule of his father.
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Hi Sperabo, I have a recently addicted son. My other two children felt the same way about their brother, that he got so much more than they did and all the attention. We did not lavish money or gifts on him though. It took us awhile to realize what he was doing and what we needed to do and I can tell you once you realize your child needs help, you think there is a lot of help out there for you but if you do not know where to look, it is very hard to know what is best. I wish I had found SR before he went to rehab!
Have your in-laws ever suggested rehab? I think it is a sad statement that your MIL decides she is just going to die (she very well may) and isn't of the mind set she will try to get her help. Has she ever thought of an intervention? Your in-laws are blinded by fear. They give because they sadly believe their love and gifts will make her want to stop out of guilt but drug addiction does not work that way.
As others have said, you wont change the way they feel or how they treat her addiction but you and your husband are doing the right thing. Could your in laws just come by to visit your home instead?
Please tell your husband from a mom, it isn't that his parents do not love him, they are so wrapped up in their fear of what his sister is doing they cannot see past it.
I hope somehow this helps change the way your in-laws are with his sister. Maybe they would come to your home and go to a meeting with you or your husband? At least the lines of communication are open and after a little bit of time has gone by, it is possible they will start thinking things through with a bit more clarity. One can hope. HUGS.
Have your in-laws ever suggested rehab? I think it is a sad statement that your MIL decides she is just going to die (she very well may) and isn't of the mind set she will try to get her help. Has she ever thought of an intervention? Your in-laws are blinded by fear. They give because they sadly believe their love and gifts will make her want to stop out of guilt but drug addiction does not work that way.
As others have said, you wont change the way they feel or how they treat her addiction but you and your husband are doing the right thing. Could your in laws just come by to visit your home instead?
Please tell your husband from a mom, it isn't that his parents do not love him, they are so wrapped up in their fear of what his sister is doing they cannot see past it.
I hope somehow this helps change the way your in-laws are with his sister. Maybe they would come to your home and go to a meeting with you or your husband? At least the lines of communication are open and after a little bit of time has gone by, it is possible they will start thinking things through with a bit more clarity. One can hope. HUGS.
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These parents need help so badly, I think, as they are just as sick as she is, from trying to fix something that they have no power over.
I heard it said once that a parent is only as happy as their saddest child. While you hurt for your children and husband, they have love and a happy home. Your sil is sick sick sick, and her parents are afraid for her. They really need some help.
Try to understand that they are all sick and need help, and your compassion will go a long way.
My daughters felt the same way, when my son was at a bad time in his alcoholic behavior and I was afraid to leave him alone in my house(fire, leaving doors open, etc)
I have become healthier now, although still my overall happiness is often affected by my childrens happiness. any of them, sick or other 'regular life problems'.
can you mention to your hubby to perhaps suggest meetings for his parents? Perhaps telling them that the very best way to help their daughter is to help themselves.
hug your children, and your hubby. hate the disease, not the sufferer, as they say.
I heard it said once that a parent is only as happy as their saddest child. While you hurt for your children and husband, they have love and a happy home. Your sil is sick sick sick, and her parents are afraid for her. They really need some help.
Try to understand that they are all sick and need help, and your compassion will go a long way.
My daughters felt the same way, when my son was at a bad time in his alcoholic behavior and I was afraid to leave him alone in my house(fire, leaving doors open, etc)
I have become healthier now, although still my overall happiness is often affected by my childrens happiness. any of them, sick or other 'regular life problems'.
can you mention to your hubby to perhaps suggest meetings for his parents? Perhaps telling them that the very best way to help their daughter is to help themselves.
hug your children, and your hubby. hate the disease, not the sufferer, as they say.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Perhaps your in-laws just don't really believe that you and your husband mean what you are saying. In their frame of reference, people say one thing, and then turn around and do the opposite.
They may be surprised that you and your husband are firm and that your boundaries are not permeable. If it were me, I'd just not communicate with them for a while, and let them live the reality that you will not be visiting while you are not assured of "safe passage" for your kids.
When that sinks in, give them a call and invite them to visit without their daughter so that they know they are welcome, even if it is welcome only on your terms. After a while, they may start to understand what a boundary is, and choose to make the effort to have your husband and you and your children be part of their lives.
ShootingStar1
They may be surprised that you and your husband are firm and that your boundaries are not permeable. If it were me, I'd just not communicate with them for a while, and let them live the reality that you will not be visiting while you are not assured of "safe passage" for your kids.
When that sinks in, give them a call and invite them to visit without their daughter so that they know they are welcome, even if it is welcome only on your terms. After a while, they may start to understand what a boundary is, and choose to make the effort to have your husband and you and your children be part of their lives.
ShootingStar1
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Please help me understand at least something related to this because, as of now, this is all just lunacy.
The good news is you and your husband do not have to engage in the lunacy. If your in-laws wish to, that's their problem.
Addiction does horrible things to families, and what may seem like lunacy to people like you and your husband others, like your in-laws, will deny. Denial is a very powerful impediment to any sane response to addiction.
Some members of our community, like Ann, have had difficult experiences with addict children. More often than not, there is no happy ending. Some children die. Others end up homeless, or in jail. And then there are the times when parents have to do the unthinkable and remove their addict children from their lives in order to save their own sanity. Some parents simply can't make that decision.
My point is you need to step back and allow whatever is supposed to happen to your sister-in-law to happen, and your in-laws have the right to make their own mistakes. Their mistakes, their consequences. Not yours, not your husband's. Theirs.
Read as many of the posts as you can here. It will save your sanity.
ZoSo
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Thank you all so very much for your responses. It is helpful to get this out in the open and talk with people who are not directly involved in this situation. Tonight, after a long discussion with my in-laws, we have decided that we are going to have a family meeting soon. I hope that it helps facilitate change, or, at the very least, allow for everyone to be on the same page regarding expectations and plans for the future. I am especially thankful for the responses from parents, because I am having such a difficult time comprehending their thought process in continuing to enable her. From the moment I entered this family, I could see the enabling happen and it was so obvious that boundaries needed to be set. It never happened. She had stolen someone's ID when she was 16/17 and used it to get into bars and drink the night away. Her parents knew it. I remember being in the kitchen with her purse sitting on the table in front of her mom and dad while she was upstairs getting ready for a night out. They knew it was in that purse. When my husband and I suggested they take the ID from her unattended purse, they refused, claiming it was an invasion of her privacy and they didn't want to make her feel like she couldn't trust them. Even then, I thought something was seriously wrong with the way they handled her behavior.
If nothing else, through having watched everything unravel so quickly and violently over the last several years, I am better prepared for what I will and will not want to do for my own children if they ever end up in a similar destructive situation.
I have been reading the forums today, and it has been so helpful. I am so thankful I found this community. I am so sad that there is a need for it to exist, however.
If nothing else, through having watched everything unravel so quickly and violently over the last several years, I am better prepared for what I will and will not want to do for my own children if they ever end up in a similar destructive situation.
I have been reading the forums today, and it has been so helpful. I am so thankful I found this community. I am so sad that there is a need for it to exist, however.
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Update to this post: the family never went forward with a family meeting. His sister is supposedly attending NA meetings and staying clean. My husband and I found out we are pregnant with out third. My husband confronted his sister one on one and explained to her that she needs to continue to stay clean or she will not be permitted around our children at all. She says she understands and will respect our wishes. A little over a week ago, however, I feel she relapsed again although she and her parents swear it isn't so. She left her dads, where she has been living, and disappeared for about 5 days. Her mom tried to call her cell phone everyday with no response. When she did come home, she said she was with her boyfriend and no one needed to be worried. Unfortunately, this type of behavior has always meant she was on something and needed time to recover. When she is clean and leaves for any amount of time, she returns phone calls. It just seems fishy to me. No one is willing to admit it though, and it makes me uneasy to say the least. No one accompanies her to her NA meetings, so I am also leery that she is actually going where she says she is. I know that probably seems harsh, but the lies have been so abundant over the years I just don't have any trust left in me.
We have visited his parents so they can see the kids and she has been there because she is supposedly clean and allowed to see them until she relapses. My husband sees this as an olive branch. I am still uncertain about it because I still see this as condoning her behavior; although, my husband didn't want to be isolated from his family. I understand that, but we didn't stay away very long. They never came to visit us, just as I suspected, even though they said they would. If they had visited us, I think my husband wouldn't have been so quick to lessen his stance on limiting her visits. This makes me angry with them to a certain extent too, because it is difficult to not see this as they chose her over anyone else and were willing to do nothing to see their son or his children until he came to visit them. Maybe I am being too sensitive to their actions. I am still so sad and hurt by all of this, and I know I am only on the fringe of how everyone affected by her addiction.
We have visited his parents so they can see the kids and she has been there because she is supposedly clean and allowed to see them until she relapses. My husband sees this as an olive branch. I am still uncertain about it because I still see this as condoning her behavior; although, my husband didn't want to be isolated from his family. I understand that, but we didn't stay away very long. They never came to visit us, just as I suspected, even though they said they would. If they had visited us, I think my husband wouldn't have been so quick to lessen his stance on limiting her visits. This makes me angry with them to a certain extent too, because it is difficult to not see this as they chose her over anyone else and were willing to do nothing to see their son or his children until he came to visit them. Maybe I am being too sensitive to their actions. I am still so sad and hurt by all of this, and I know I am only on the fringe of how everyone affected by her addiction.
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Thanks for the update. A couple of points:
Well, that's their problem. Doesn't have to be yours. Especially now that you're expecting again (congratuations on that).
At the end of the day, your sister-in-law's problems are hers, not yours or your husband's. And if your in-laws are in denial about the whole thing, or if they don't see things the way you do, that's their problem. The only thing that you and your husband have any control over is your own behaviors, your own responses, and your own choices. And if your sister-in-law continues down her current path, then you have every right to choose not to deal with her. It's that simple.
No one is willing to admit it though, and it makes me uneasy to say the least.
At the end of the day, your sister-in-law's problems are hers, not yours or your husband's. And if your in-laws are in denial about the whole thing, or if they don't see things the way you do, that's their problem. The only thing that you and your husband have any control over is your own behaviors, your own responses, and your own choices. And if your sister-in-law continues down her current path, then you have every right to choose not to deal with her. It's that simple.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Sperabo,
sorry to hear that things aren't much better, but as Zoso said, it's not really your problem. You can go on with your lives, looking forward to your new addition, and take care of your precious family.
I hope that you can find a way for the grandparents to see their grandbabies. I am sure that they are one of the beautiful things in their lives. But good for your hubby to insist that sis cannot be around them when she is not in recovery.
sorry to hear that things aren't much better, but as Zoso said, it's not really your problem. You can go on with your lives, looking forward to your new addition, and take care of your precious family.
I hope that you can find a way for the grandparents to see their grandbabies. I am sure that they are one of the beautiful things in their lives. But good for your hubby to insist that sis cannot be around them when she is not in recovery.
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Thank you for the update Sperabo and congratulations on your new addition coming.
I find that nothing ever seems to be cut and dry when dealing with an addict.
Her behavior certainly sounds like a relapse and your instincts are most likely correct. Your in-laws most likely want to believe so badly she didn't and there really isn't anything you can do about how they choose to react to her behavior. You and your husband have to make the best decisions regarding your children based on your feelings and gut instincts. Your husband told his sister what the deal is. If you feel she is in any way a problem to be around your children then that is your decision.
You may get flak from his parents but that is on them, not you. I know it is easier said than done.
On a totally separate note, I have noticed both with my husband and my son-in-law, their parents hardly EVER come to them. It was always my husband and I going to visit my in-laws (who lived 5 minutes away) and same for my daughter and hers. They always have to initiate. Your husband may want to feel like he is just as important as his sister and his children as well that he is afraid to wait for his parents to come visit because he fears deep down they wont. I know with my son-in-law it is that way. They are closer to their daughter (as is the same with my husband and his mom with his sisters) and my son-in-law is always the one contacting them.
I wonder if it is because moms are closer to their daughters? Either way, families all have their dysfunction. Your best bet is to figure out a happy medium where your husband can see his family but you aren't jeopardizing your children's health and well being.
I wish you the best. I truly understand your resentment and frustration!
I find that nothing ever seems to be cut and dry when dealing with an addict.
Her behavior certainly sounds like a relapse and your instincts are most likely correct. Your in-laws most likely want to believe so badly she didn't and there really isn't anything you can do about how they choose to react to her behavior. You and your husband have to make the best decisions regarding your children based on your feelings and gut instincts. Your husband told his sister what the deal is. If you feel she is in any way a problem to be around your children then that is your decision.
You may get flak from his parents but that is on them, not you. I know it is easier said than done.
On a totally separate note, I have noticed both with my husband and my son-in-law, their parents hardly EVER come to them. It was always my husband and I going to visit my in-laws (who lived 5 minutes away) and same for my daughter and hers. They always have to initiate. Your husband may want to feel like he is just as important as his sister and his children as well that he is afraid to wait for his parents to come visit because he fears deep down they wont. I know with my son-in-law it is that way. They are closer to their daughter (as is the same with my husband and his mom with his sisters) and my son-in-law is always the one contacting them.
I wonder if it is because moms are closer to their daughters? Either way, families all have their dysfunction. Your best bet is to figure out a happy medium where your husband can see his family but you aren't jeopardizing your children's health and well being.
I wish you the best. I truly understand your resentment and frustration!
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