Not sure how to deal with boyfriend's relapse.

Old 05-27-2014, 02:07 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Guest
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 1
Not sure how to deal with boyfriend's relapse.

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years, I moved a great distance to be with him. The first year of our relationship he was sober and rarely, if ever, smoked pot. Marijuana has never really bothered me, however my boyfriend knew I did not want to be in a relationship with someone who smoked several times every day. I knew he had a drinking problem, and at the beginning of our relationship he was going to AA meetings and was recovering properly. He had previously (before I knew him) been convicted of two DUIIs and did not have a license. We worked together to get his life back on track, and we supported each other in many ways. After treatment and classes, he got his license back and continued to stay sober. I can't remember exactly when, but he slowly began to drink again. I watched his behavior slowly change. When he would drink he became verbally abusive, and his mother tried to help me deal with this, as she was afraid this would have happened. After about another year he was still being relatively abusive, and not only when he had been drinking. After months of contemplating leaving him and after several huge blow-outs, I broke up with him. We had a talk after all of his things had been moved out, and I stuck by my decision while still giving him a chance to really hear why. He told me he hated the way he was acting and that he didn't want to treat me that way; he didn't want to become like his father and he didn't know how to stop it. He also told me that another reason he hurt was because I used to be very supportive of him and he saw me leaving him as me giving up, that I didn't love him enough to help him. I did tell him that he was misunderstanding. It took me months to really understand that his drinking and his anger wasn't something I could control. I told him that I couldn't stop my life completely to mother him and support him forever. He said he understood and he apologized for everything he had done.
After a couple of months, we started talking again and he had been getting his life back on track. He was taking steps to buy a house, he had just been laid off right after we had broken up but was working with a friend in the mean-time while looking for another official job. He took me out on a few dates and started to treat me the proper way he said he wanted to. I made sure he knew that we were going to take things very slowly. After a few months we got back together, and I found support from his friends' wife who apparently has been back and forth with her husband with similar issues.
It has now been several months since then and I have not encountered his emotionally/abusive issues as of yet. However lately he has begun drinking again. He does not drink hard alcohol anymore, he drinks beer but he will drink 7-12 beers most nights that we spend together. Some times I go over to his place and I see his bedroom is littered with empty beer bottles. I have spoken to him about this, and told him calmly that this is not good for him. He says he doesn't like "feeling like sh*t" and he drinks to combat this. I tell him that the drinking doesn't help that. I have no problem with a person drinking hard liquor occasionally on a weekend to let go, or having one or two beers to let off steam after work but this is not the case.
He is depressed and he does not open up to me what is making him feel this way. During his sober periods he explains that he gets non-stop nightmares no matter how many months he had been sober. Awake, however, he just seems more normal to me. He seemed happier, even though some times he would insist otherwise.
He absolutely refuses to drink and drive, and I am very happy about that, but I don't know how to show him that his is again going to dig him into a hole of even worse depression. He does not like medicine and he did not like going to his court appointed AA meetings, so I am just not sure how else to get him help. I feel like I may be drowning right along side him and I don't know if I can keep up with this battle.
Does anyone have any advice of what I can/should do?
Bluewarning is offline  
Old 05-27-2014, 02:14 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
ladyscribbler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
The best thing you and his mama can do to help him is to stop helping him. Let him handle his problems by himself. He needs to learn to face life on life's terms and solve his own problems. His sobriety and recovery are his responsibility.
One huge regret I have about my ex is all the time and energy I wasted trying to clean up his messes and solve his (often self-created) problems for him. We both would have been better off if I had stepped back and let him handle his own stuff and had handled my own as well.
Another regret I have is that I waited so long to start going to Alanon. Your bf has been in AA. Have you and his mom tried Alanon? It has made a world of difference in my life. Good luck.
ladyscribbler is offline  
Old 05-27-2014, 02:27 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
honeypig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,478
Hi, Bluewarning, and welcome to SR. I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation, but you've come to the right place for help.

The more you can read here, the more you'll learn about alcoholism and addiction in general, and the better equipped you'll be to make decisions about this relationship and your life. Please do check out as many of the various threads as you can, and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. They're an excellent way to educate yourself. Here's an example of a stickied thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I'd also like to recommend Alanon for support for yourself. I know you want to help your A, but as you'll hear said here again and again, he has to want recovery himself. The only person whose actions you can control are your own, and putting the focus on yourself rather than him will help you see so much more clearly.

Again, glad you found SR, and I hope you find support and learning, not to mention inspiration, here w/us.
honeypig is offline  
Old 05-27-2014, 02:37 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Cpompletely agree with Ladyscribbler. The best thing you can do is take care of you, and get out of his way. You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. From reading your post, I don't see a serious effort at recovery. Not drinking is not the same thing as real recovery. You can't get him help, you can't show him what he's doing. He is responsible for his choices, including the choice to drink.

My best advice is "Let go and let God". Find an AlAnon group near you, start learning all you can from the experience and strength in those meetings. Move on with your own life and take care of you. Trust me, you do not want to get caught on this roller coaster ride.
Recovering2 is offline  
Old 05-27-2014, 02:48 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Bluewarning--my considered advice, after reading your post---is not to hitch your wagon to this star. Not if you dream of a normal and happy life.

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 05-27-2014, 02:51 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. For a long long time I thought my XAH was only drinking beer. Then I found out that he was also drinking whiskey. Nice.

No matter what he is drinking, he has an addiction and he is feeding it. Get away now while you can, life with a depressed addict is a miserable one. Take it from someone who just left that situation after almost 20 years.

You deserve more.
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 05-27-2014, 03:18 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
what you describe is a pattern of alcohol abuse...a cycle....and in the time you've known him he's going round on his third cycle.

drink. then drink alot. mess everything up. sober up. clean up. straighten thngs out and get them back on track.

drink.

you get the idea.

it is not normal to keep your empties in your bedroom on the floor!
he's drinking to solve his depression problems, which is like shooting yourself in the foot to cure a hangnail. he has issues besides JUST the drinking, but unless HE is willing to look at those core issues and take proactive healthy measures to resolve them, he's going to keep spinning round and round on this cycle.

and things will get worse. he's a ticking time bomb. and i'd suggest not sitting next to said bomb while you wait for it blow.
AnvilheadII is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:15 AM.