HakunaMatata

After 13 days sober, I drank. I feared that I would do exactly what I did. I was feeling pretty great after 13 days...clear head, good energy, sleep was improving, anxiety was diminishing, inflammation in my body was going down. I convinced myself that the occasional drink in a "safe" environment was no biggie. Was I really NEVER going to have another glass of wine to unwind at the end of the day? It's so insane to me that I can convince myself it is okay when I know the damage and pain alcohol has caused me. I drank this past Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, having anywhere from a couple glasses of wine to a bottle. Friday was enjoyable, but Saturday and Sunday were not even pleasant. No black outs or anything, but I was constantly preoccupied with how buzzed I was feeling and if there was more alcohol available. This is hard to admit, but I actually snuck a sip out of my friend's drink when she went to the bathroom. Disgusting and shameful. My anxiety started creeping up and it was like I was trying to prove that I could drink in moderation as to not have to face the frightening reality of lifelong sobriety. I've done this countless times before. A constant effort to convince myself I'm normal when I clearly know the truth. I woke up Monday morning in a panic, anxiety rippling throughout my body. I cried for a solid hour until I was forced to pull myself together and go to work. I cannot do that myself any more. In no way is that "relaxed" feeling when drinking worth the agony that follows. Anyway, today is day 2. I need to remember to take it one day at a time rather than thinking about a lifetime. I also need to come to these forums and post often. I find myself ignoring these forums when my alcoholic voice starts creeping in. I need to do the opposite and come here immediately and get some support! Here I go!