Needing to get down to the real issue
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Needing to get down to the real issue
I've been reading posts, including my own, in hopes to find the answer but I just need to vent instead.
It's been well over a month now since my xabf slept with a friend of ours. I am still so damn angry I can't stand the sight of the two of them. Her attitude bugs the hell out of me. I saw the both of them yesterday at an event and I felt I spent most of it looking to see if the two of them were hanging out, even though she was there with her 'boyfriend'. If she hadn't given me specifics I'm sure my imagination would have given me enough to work with, but it doesn't help to think of them together.
I wanted to ignore her. And, him. Apparently, my actions and need to just pretend we don't know each other bothers both of them. Especially xabf. If there's one thing I do know about A's is they hate to be ignored. On any level. Most of us do, but I'd like to think rational people would understand and respect it. As it was, she made it a point to say goodbye to everyone and had such an attitude about her when she said goodbye to me, it took everything I had to not tell her to go F herself.
I'm tired of hearing that we were broken up so I shouldn't be upset by this. It's right up there by using alcohol as an excuse to do stupid things. If we were broken up and I hadn't seen him for weeks, then whatever. But, it's not how it was and him and I both know that.
Anyways, I re-read my last post about this and all the responses and I just need to get this out of me.
Last week I saw him and he tells me he still has IMLN loves xabf that I wrote on his smartboard months ago. That he hasn't given up and can't let it go. Then he tells a mutual friend of ours that he screwed up and he wants to be with me and cares a whole lot for me.
Ugh. Quack, quack, quack.
I certainly didn't notice that yesterday when he was drunk and hitting everyone with his shirt. When he was tapping people on the shoulder and turning around. When he was constantly running into 'her' every five minutes. When he was behaving like a college frat boy.
Nope. I didn't see any type of man that was making any changes. And, I don't expect them to happen. Because, if I understand nothing else, I do understand that this is his demon and I didn't cause it, I can't cure it...and whatever the third part of that is!
At one point in my life I can honestly say I needed the validation that I was worth it enough for someone to stop drinking or leave their wife, or whatever. Now, I know I'm worth it and I don't want this trash in my life.
I almost sent him an email last night, wanting to explain how I was feeling. And, instead I came here and read some very good posts and realized that it would serve no purpose. I feel like they are not validating my feelings. And, maybe they don't have to...but, it's adding to the angst I feel about the two of them. I'm tired of finally feeling strong enough and convicted enough to set some boundaries for myself and then have these drunken idiots keep trying to bust through them.
It's been well over a month now since my xabf slept with a friend of ours. I am still so damn angry I can't stand the sight of the two of them. Her attitude bugs the hell out of me. I saw the both of them yesterday at an event and I felt I spent most of it looking to see if the two of them were hanging out, even though she was there with her 'boyfriend'. If she hadn't given me specifics I'm sure my imagination would have given me enough to work with, but it doesn't help to think of them together.
I wanted to ignore her. And, him. Apparently, my actions and need to just pretend we don't know each other bothers both of them. Especially xabf. If there's one thing I do know about A's is they hate to be ignored. On any level. Most of us do, but I'd like to think rational people would understand and respect it. As it was, she made it a point to say goodbye to everyone and had such an attitude about her when she said goodbye to me, it took everything I had to not tell her to go F herself.
I'm tired of hearing that we were broken up so I shouldn't be upset by this. It's right up there by using alcohol as an excuse to do stupid things. If we were broken up and I hadn't seen him for weeks, then whatever. But, it's not how it was and him and I both know that.
Anyways, I re-read my last post about this and all the responses and I just need to get this out of me.
Last week I saw him and he tells me he still has IMLN loves xabf that I wrote on his smartboard months ago. That he hasn't given up and can't let it go. Then he tells a mutual friend of ours that he screwed up and he wants to be with me and cares a whole lot for me.
Ugh. Quack, quack, quack.
I certainly didn't notice that yesterday when he was drunk and hitting everyone with his shirt. When he was tapping people on the shoulder and turning around. When he was constantly running into 'her' every five minutes. When he was behaving like a college frat boy.
Nope. I didn't see any type of man that was making any changes. And, I don't expect them to happen. Because, if I understand nothing else, I do understand that this is his demon and I didn't cause it, I can't cure it...and whatever the third part of that is!
At one point in my life I can honestly say I needed the validation that I was worth it enough for someone to stop drinking or leave their wife, or whatever. Now, I know I'm worth it and I don't want this trash in my life.I almost sent him an email last night, wanting to explain how I was feeling. And, instead I came here and read some very good posts and realized that it would serve no purpose. I feel like they are not validating my feelings. And, maybe they don't have to...but, it's adding to the angst I feel about the two of them. I'm tired of finally feeling strong enough and convicted enough to set some boundaries for myself and then have these drunken idiots keep trying to bust through them.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
It sounds like you did make some progress yesterday after reading here. You understood that writing him an email would serve no purpose, and you were right about that.
So I would try to keep that momentum going! That was good, keep it up!
At the same time, you continue to put yourself in situations where you run into these people and it irks you to no end. Maybe with your social connections this is difficult to avoid. But every time you run into this guy, or her, the drama just continues in your head, and takes over your thinking like a beast that can't be tamed.
That is no good for you. It holds you hostage. It sounds like instead of enjoying the event you were at, you spent your time there watching her, watching him, and riling yourself up. That doesn't sound like fun to me.
Often we have to have distance and separate ourselves from what drives us crazy. If I was you, I would consider how to avoid these people for awhile, at least until you could actually be in their presence and not be a hostage to emotions that are triggered as a result. That may take months, or you may find that you can never be in their presence without being triggered, and that's ok...just accept it so you can move on.
They don't have to validate your feelings. Probably they don't even believe your feelings are valid! Time to consider that. It doesn't matter, you learn to validate your feelings, and learn to stay away from those that don't.
So I would try to keep that momentum going! That was good, keep it up!
At the same time, you continue to put yourself in situations where you run into these people and it irks you to no end. Maybe with your social connections this is difficult to avoid. But every time you run into this guy, or her, the drama just continues in your head, and takes over your thinking like a beast that can't be tamed.
That is no good for you. It holds you hostage. It sounds like instead of enjoying the event you were at, you spent your time there watching her, watching him, and riling yourself up. That doesn't sound like fun to me.
Often we have to have distance and separate ourselves from what drives us crazy. If I was you, I would consider how to avoid these people for awhile, at least until you could actually be in their presence and not be a hostage to emotions that are triggered as a result. That may take months, or you may find that you can never be in their presence without being triggered, and that's ok...just accept it so you can move on.
They don't have to validate your feelings. Probably they don't even believe your feelings are valid! Time to consider that. It doesn't matter, you learn to validate your feelings, and learn to stay away from those that don't.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
BS1,
You are right. They don't have to validate my feelings. In fact, I already know that both of them feel what they did was between two single, consenting adults. So, it shouldn't bother me at all, apparently.
I find myself wanting to be where he is..looking for him to profess his undying, drunken love to me. Not healthy, I know. I haven't removed him from my FB. I still want that connection to him, even though rationally I know that I don't. Just read something about the codie/A relationship and how the connection is thought as being love, but it's really about the internal needs of the two. That's what I feel. That's our connection. Until one of us (I'm guessing me) breaks the pattern and heals the part that continues to search for this other broken part, that connection will continue.
It's finally summer and I want to get out and have fun! You're right that yesterday wasn't much fun...at least not when I was wondering about the two of them. I can try to avoid them, but now that the weather is nice it's inevitable I will see them at events.
I just wish I could explain her attitude. It's so annoying I can't stand it. She talks about being spiritual, but then has this f the world kind of personality about everything.
Okay, don't need this as my focus today.
You are right. They don't have to validate my feelings. In fact, I already know that both of them feel what they did was between two single, consenting adults. So, it shouldn't bother me at all, apparently.
I find myself wanting to be where he is..looking for him to profess his undying, drunken love to me. Not healthy, I know. I haven't removed him from my FB. I still want that connection to him, even though rationally I know that I don't. Just read something about the codie/A relationship and how the connection is thought as being love, but it's really about the internal needs of the two. That's what I feel. That's our connection. Until one of us (I'm guessing me) breaks the pattern and heals the part that continues to search for this other broken part, that connection will continue.
It's finally summer and I want to get out and have fun! You're right that yesterday wasn't much fun...at least not when I was wondering about the two of them. I can try to avoid them, but now that the weather is nice it's inevitable I will see them at events.
I just wish I could explain her attitude. It's so annoying I can't stand it. She talks about being spiritual, but then has this f the world kind of personality about everything.
Okay, don't need this as my focus today.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
What I get out of wanting him to profess his undying drunken love to you is that it hasn't been painful enough for you to reject that.
It sounds like you want to invite the painful but not too painful back into your life.
I want to tell you what to do, and I want to tell you to take yourself and your life more seriously.
It sounds like you want to invite the painful but not too painful back into your life.
I want to tell you what to do, and I want to tell you to take yourself and your life more seriously.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
They don't like being ignored? Tough s#&t. You have no obligation whatsoever to speak to them or acknowledge either one of them. In fact, it's probably best not to. You're taking care of yourself emotionally. Leave them in the dust and let yourself heal.
Hugs to you.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I think I understand what I mean by "take your life more seriously". What I mean there is to rise above it. There's so much more rewarding experiences in life. Life has a limited time and expires...we only get so much and then it's over. To rise above it is to seek far more rewarding experiences here before our time is up. Life has so much more to offer you, if you go looking for it. That's not just a cliche saying, it's the truth!
Something about how you have described these two...sounds like a waste of precious time.
So what I'm trying to tell you to do--what we're not supposed to do but I don't know how to not admit that's what I'm thinking--is that you are young enough to choose a completely different path , one far more rewarding, without these two time-wasters being a part of the picture.
Something about how you have described these two...sounds like a waste of precious time.
So what I'm trying to tell you to do--what we're not supposed to do but I don't know how to not admit that's what I'm thinking--is that you are young enough to choose a completely different path , one far more rewarding, without these two time-wasters being a part of the picture.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by BlueSkies1 
There's so much more rewarding experiences in life. Life has a limited time and expires...we only get so much and then it's over. To rise above it is to seek far more rewarding experiences here before our time is up. Life has so much more to offer you, if you go looking for it.
Years ago my mother got cancer and died 8 months later. And, I remember telling myself that life was too short to be miserable. So, I ended a 21 year marriage to a guy who wasn't what I wanted in my life. I promised myself that I would make my life what I wanted it to and find the right person who belonged with me.
If I remember that feeling I had, that need to be happy....then these two need to get put in the past in my mind. There is no more time to let them bother me or to dwell on them. They aren't important. They are just another thing to obsess over...and, I think That's really the issue. The longer I obsess, the longer I put my energy towards hating the two of them, the less time I have to live my own life. And, that's what I really need to do.
That's what we all need to do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You don't need them to acknowledge or validate your feelings. Your feelings are valid because they are yours....period. Who cares what they think? Have you heard the saying "Your opinion of me is none of my business"??? I would stay out of social situations where you will see them. They don't like being ignored? Who cares what they like or don't like. You do what's best for YOU. Go No Contact with the exBF and avoid both of them. Focus on positive things and move forward.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
He is an alcoholic and a cheater to boot. I promise you that in the long run, you do NOT want this person. There will be more issues coming down the pipeline. There are much better men out there without these problems.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
