donz

How do we tell people we want to quit drinking? I want to, I really do and I know my parents and my flatmate (a flatmate is the Australian version of a roommate) know of my intentions and they have been supportive and are just waiting for me to actually DO IT.

Friends will be different though, I am almost 40 and some of my friends have been there since we 16, we have spent a lot of times enjoying drinks together, and my current friends as well, other family members, collegues, etc. I like all of these people very much but when we get together its over drinks about 80% of the time and I just KNOW that they will re-act in the following ways:

1. They will tell me I don't have a drinking problem, that I just need to cut down if anything.
2. They will take it personally, for example 'if you think you have a problem do you think I do as well? Or 'Well I'M not going to quit!"
3. They won't invite me out anymore as they will feel uncomfortable if they are drinking in front of me.

How do others handle these kind of situations?

Dee74

Hi Donz

I'm not sure if you're in the same situation, but by the time I quit all my mates drank like I did. I didn't get much support and it wasn't that surprising really, as drinking was our common bond.

I lost a lot of the drinking buddies, but some of them were worried for me tho and supported me.

I made a lot of new friends - and reconnected with old ones I'd drifted away from cos of my drinking.

My advice is give yourself some time away from your old life. There's nothing so painful as being in early recovery and finding yourself in a room full of people drinking and you're not.

Think about some non alcohol related things to do - movies, coffee, sports, hobbies interests.

When you build your sobriety muscles and you know that nothing or noone can sway you on your non drinking, then you can think about going back.

I will warn you tho - it'll probably be a bit like 'you can't go home again'.

I know all this might sound a bit full on - there's a lot of change involved - but I honestly don't feel I missed out, or lost out on the deal.

I hope you'll give it a chance Donz

DisplacedGRITS

My best advice is to quit as quietly as possible. Do it in an offhanded way. If someone offers you a drink, just say "no thanks." This is a very big deal for you but if you don't draw attention to it, most people will not notice.

Now, say someone notices. There are a few things going on here.
A) they know you and your drinking and are supportive of your decision.
B) they notice your sudden change and don't understand why you quit. Many times, a simple excuse like "for my health (weight, ageing, diet for example)" or "it disagrees with me" will often suffice. If they pry, a firm "I just don't want a drink" is good. Eventually, people get tired of offering a drink to someone who always declines it.
C) they notice your change and they don't like it. Now, the thing here is that something you have done (quitting drinking) has caused them discomfort. Perhaps they fear they are loosing a common interest with you. Maybe now, they feel that you think your better than them. What often happens is that your change in your relationship with alcohol has caused them to question their relationship with it. It is not your job to make them comfortable.

How someone reacts to your decision is their problem, not yours. Relationships with people can change when one's relationship with alcohol changes. They either get to respect your decision and keep your friendship or realize that the way your sobriety makes them feel is too much for them and go their own way. What's most important here is that you follow through with your decision instead of questioning it because it's caused someone else discomfort about themselves.

Just my two cents. Didn't mean to come off so preachy.

LBrain

I totally agree with #1 - I was told and still being told the same thing. It's for me to decide I have a drinking problem.

#2: Why would someone take it personally that YOU don't want to drink anymore? If you not drinking affects the friendship, was it really a friendship?
#3: Until you are ready to proceed in putting yourself into a situation involving temptation, do you really care? See #2

My friends support my decision 100% and actually look after me when I am out. It will take some time before your friends are on board with it - maybe. So as long as you make it known that you cannot drink and ask for their support and compassion, real friends will be there for you.

Nonsensical

I don't feel compelled to tell people why I don't drink. It's not important that they know. It's only important that I know.

A. Friends don't react that way. Friends are concerned about YOU, not about how it impacts them. Drinking buddies - well, that's another story.

B. People typically understimate their ability to handle difficult situations. They perceive how they will feel in that painful moment, and presume the hurt will endure forever. It's rare for people to be able to accurately predict how they will feel days/weeks/months later. If you discover some of your friends no longer want to be friends because you don't drink, you'll get over it.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

doggonecarl

Then DO IT. Quit. No need for any pronouncements, except to yourself. A firm committment to never drink. Never. Then it doesn't matter what your friends say. You don't drink.

FreeOwl

I told several people most close to me. Others, I just say "no thank you, I'll just have a " _____(fill in the non-alcoholic blank)____________".

If anyone presses or asks further I just say "I prefer not to drink alcohol"

If pressed further or asked for any explanation I generally leave it at "I find life is more joyful and full for me when I don't drink".

Never had anyone push me further than that, with the exception of others who have been struggling with their own drinking problems who have come to me to ask how I'm doing it.



people told me early on that I was a lot more worried about this issue than anyone else would be.... they were right. Nobody really 'cares' whether you drink or not. The ones who do will either be happy for you (those who did realize that you were struggling) or else have a problem themselves (those who heckle you and try to goad you into boozing).

anotherquitter

I told folks that I was quitting for health reasons - get in shape, lose weight etc. Anything beyond that was none of their business. Those I still bump into notice the difference.

Only one person deliberately stopped socializing with me after that. It was obviously too much of a reminder of their own problem.

Others I just don't see as often because I don't hang out where I used too. (edited: Although now a couple of them I used to drink with have also made it into the rooms!).

For the most part if you don't say anything then it's likely most won't even notice you are not drinking. Believe it or not, you may think they will, but most won't care and won't even ask or comment. It's not like they are quitting. I lived in OZ for a bit and recognize that the practice of buying a jug/pitcher to share with the table when it's your shout may make your abstinence a bit more noticeable, but your mates will get over it.

Good luck in your path to sobriety.

ktwsober

I think its best to be upfront and straight forward with tell them that you have quit drinking. Something like " I have quit drinking and I hope you support my decision."

I dont think its your place in early recovery to analyze whether friends or roomates have a drinking problem as well. So I would avoid answering those questions

Focus on yourself and whatever you need to do to stop drinking.

I think most of us "lose " friends along the way in our sobriety journey. Some will not understand, some you will make the choice to move away from because they remind or enable you of or to drink.

The most important thing is to focus on yourself and stop.

Best of luck

Anna

I handled it by not telling people.

Right from the start, I felt my recovery was an intensely personal journey. It's nobody's business but my own.

Achingforchange

I struggled with this one a lot. Who to tell - how much to tell - when to tell. I spent about 6 months trying to quit last year and I decided to not tell anyone (including my husband) that I had decided to stop for any reason other than I wanted to be more healthy. In the end, I realized that for ME, I knew that I was not telling my husband the truth because I was scared to death of drawing a line in the sand. I was terrified of failing and then where would I be - where would we be? I wanted to keep my failure private. This time, I decided to tell my husband and my best friend why I am quitting and I told them (deep breath) that I am quitting for good. I decided to assume that I would succeed rather than fail. Most frightening thing I have ever done, but it feels different to go to a bbq at my best friend's house and to have her quietly have a pitcher of sparkling lemonade available...when before there would have only been beer and wine. My husband will now order a diet coke when we are out on a date night, when before (when I was quitting for "health" reasons), he would order a beer. To all of our 'social' friends who ask why I am not drinking, I will continue to say, I am trying to improve my health....frankly, I don't think it benefits me for them to know the truth. I believe after awhile, some social invitations will begin to decline with that group, but actually that might not be a bad thing. I am early days with sobriety. Today is Day 14, but it has been a much more peaceful and committed journey now that 1) I decided to quit for good and to never change my mind 2) I told the people that I love most 3) I quit worrying about all the others. Good luck on your journey. It isn't easy, but it is so worth it.

Pete55

It's subtle foe this drinking game. Your best defense actually is silence, tell them nothing. You can say, "not drinking today, maybe tomorrow", and when tomorrow arrives, you say the same thing again, "not today, maybe tomorrow".

Seeing you asked how others handle these situations, I use the services of AA meetings.
Just sit, drink coffee and listen. You can always go there tomorrow and avoid being asked to drink alcohol.
It's that simple.

Tang

Different social situations require different responses in my experience. Because of a very hard drinking industry I work in, saying I don't drink never worked for me. I have resorted to diet/health explanations as the only defensible reason, as I have been pressured by people in places of very influential power to drink. I believe this is a personal and situational decision on how you handle declining a drink.

Stoogy

That's a great question In fact, personally I wanted some sober time before I told anyone of my intentions just in case I fell flat on my face and looked silly, but by the time I got my first month under my belt and I knew I was serious about this I told a select few people who I know I can trust.

I too have been told I don't have a problem but then again the people who have told me that have a problem in my eyes too so maybe it was just a good fit for them to have another drinking buddy.

Not drinking really opened my eyes generally.

serious

i do not believe that you owe anyone an explanation.

AlliH

I told some of my friends yesterday that I planned to quit drinking.

One told me that I didn't need to stop completely, just cut down. I responded to this by telling her that I don't do good at moderating and that it's better for me to just stop. That I want to be healthier. That even after one or two drinks, I still feel like poo the next day.

You'd be surprised at how many people were supportive... A friend asked me to go out the other day and I told him I couldn't, but also added in that I had recently stopped drinking. He told me it didn't matter if I drank, but that I did need to go out with them.

It's a matter of being firm on your position, I think.

jkirk

You raise a great question-
There is no perfect way for this as everyone is different. As a newbie on this site with about 90 days clean, I just say I'm on a fitness kick and feel so good I may not drink again. Of course I told my wife that I'm never drinking again which she supports.
Good luck to you!