Your opinions
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 52
Your opinions
Hey everyone. I just wanted some opinions from people who actually know what they're talking about so I've come here.
I am teetotal but one of my best friends is a binge-drinking alcoholic and a cocaine addict. It's been a really rough ride with him and I've tried my best to be non-judgmental and supportive to him. He's quite violent and very verbally abusive and for over a year, I let him treat me like dirt so as not to put pressure on him.
I've had knives held to me, watched him cut himself open to try to force money out of me, and had him threaten me with extreme violence and some really bad and sickening verbal abuse. The last incident involved him threatening to do me in and then sending me picture messages with him arm covered in ketchup saying he'd cut himself open. I didn't look at the picture closely enough and went into a total panic as he'd cut his wrists before. It didn't even occur to me that it was all an act. I jumped in the car (leaving another friend's birthday meal) and started calling him. When he answered he started off screaming abuse down the phone at me and then slammed it down. He then called me back saying he way in a lay by and had lost loads of blood and needed to sleep. I was still believing him at this point and was in a total panic trying to find him. When I did eventually fond him he looked shocked to see me, and was very sheepish. I said I was calling an ambulance and he told me not to as he'd treated the "wound" himself. It was then that I saw the ketchup packets and paper he'd used to clean it off with and my heart just sank.
I got him into his house and put him to bed and then left him and sat in my car and cried like never before. I had been in such a panic and it was all some sick game he was playing.
He called me the next day and I really couldn't face him, but I answered and explained that I was really deeply shaken and just needed a bit of time. I hardly spoke to him for the next month, and then one day he called me and said I just needed to get over it as he was starting a 90 day recovery with the AA and I was dragging him down and was the cause of his drinking. He then totally cut me off saying if I tried to contact him during his recovery, he'd come and get me! He's since been going around slagging me off calling me all sorts to everyone and anyone who'll listen.
I need your opinions because when, after the 90 days he calls me like he said he would, would I be out of order not to respond to him. I care about the bloke and really want him to be sober, but after the things he's done to me, I can't be around him any more. For those of you that have been through a recovery, am I being an a-hole cutting him out completely despite him trying to sort himself out? And how can I say it without hurting him?
I am teetotal but one of my best friends is a binge-drinking alcoholic and a cocaine addict. It's been a really rough ride with him and I've tried my best to be non-judgmental and supportive to him. He's quite violent and very verbally abusive and for over a year, I let him treat me like dirt so as not to put pressure on him.
I've had knives held to me, watched him cut himself open to try to force money out of me, and had him threaten me with extreme violence and some really bad and sickening verbal abuse. The last incident involved him threatening to do me in and then sending me picture messages with him arm covered in ketchup saying he'd cut himself open. I didn't look at the picture closely enough and went into a total panic as he'd cut his wrists before. It didn't even occur to me that it was all an act. I jumped in the car (leaving another friend's birthday meal) and started calling him. When he answered he started off screaming abuse down the phone at me and then slammed it down. He then called me back saying he way in a lay by and had lost loads of blood and needed to sleep. I was still believing him at this point and was in a total panic trying to find him. When I did eventually fond him he looked shocked to see me, and was very sheepish. I said I was calling an ambulance and he told me not to as he'd treated the "wound" himself. It was then that I saw the ketchup packets and paper he'd used to clean it off with and my heart just sank.
I got him into his house and put him to bed and then left him and sat in my car and cried like never before. I had been in such a panic and it was all some sick game he was playing.
He called me the next day and I really couldn't face him, but I answered and explained that I was really deeply shaken and just needed a bit of time. I hardly spoke to him for the next month, and then one day he called me and said I just needed to get over it as he was starting a 90 day recovery with the AA and I was dragging him down and was the cause of his drinking. He then totally cut me off saying if I tried to contact him during his recovery, he'd come and get me! He's since been going around slagging me off calling me all sorts to everyone and anyone who'll listen.
I need your opinions because when, after the 90 days he calls me like he said he would, would I be out of order not to respond to him. I care about the bloke and really want him to be sober, but after the things he's done to me, I can't be around him any more. For those of you that have been through a recovery, am I being an a-hole cutting him out completely despite him trying to sort himself out? And how can I say it without hurting him?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
I gotta tell you, I am a really empathetic caring and compassionate person and can even be a bit too soft around abusive people, excusing crappy behaviour for their issues, but you gotta get out of that friendship he is one toxic person...
Why do you think that you put up with that sort of abuse?
Why do you think that you put up with that sort of abuse?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 392
I think not responding to him when he tries to contact you is absolutely the right thing to do. The last thing you need is this guy manipulating you, abusing you, threatening you, exploiting your emotions, and causing toxicity and chaos in your life. You deserve a life that is free from that bull****. Friends are caring and treat each other with respect, this guy is only using you as a pawn in his addiction. He is no friend. I am sorry this happened to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 114
I'll preface by saying I'm not an expert on friendships like this, but
You're seeing the desperation side of addiction and the mental disorders that often accompany it. But it doesn't mean you need to tolerate it.
I hope you realize the ridiculousness of his claims of ANYTHING being your fault.
Either way you've come to the right place. Keep reaching out and you'll find a solution
You're seeing the desperation side of addiction and the mental disorders that often accompany it. But it doesn't mean you need to tolerate it.
I hope you realize the ridiculousness of his claims of ANYTHING being your fault.
Either way you've come to the right place. Keep reaching out and you'll find a solution
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 114
I should add that I've had a failed relationship because of my drinking. I was very distant and unavailable. She ended the relationship. Even though I was sick then I still owned up to my drinking, which was an important part of me (eventually) getting sober. Your friend doesn't seem quite ready to own up to it and really needs to
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
I think that you are fine to walk away from this relationship and not feel guilty. You were a friend to him when many would have kicked him to the curb. Many of us have been abusive to friends while we were deep in our addiction and sickness. His abuse is pretty extreme but i can kind of understand where he was coming from.
Many addicts and alcoholics try to manipulate people around us into acting how we want them to. We make them our saviors and our devils as we need them in the moment. If he is out there dissing you in his recovery, then perhaps he is using you as a target instead of looking inside himself and facing his real problems. If he's working the AA steps with sponsor, i suspect he's going to have a doozie of a Fourth Step if he's being honest by then.
I think that you would be doing him a favor by cutting the relationship loose for now. He will come to understand that his actions have consequences and he's going to have to deal with them. Maybe one day he will come to you to make an honest amends. If it comes to that, you may decide for yourself whether that amends will do you any good to hear and accept or if you will be better off just letting things go as they have. He doesn't get to hold you hostage for his own mental and spiritual well being. It's up to him to make his own peace with his past.
Many addicts and alcoholics try to manipulate people around us into acting how we want them to. We make them our saviors and our devils as we need them in the moment. If he is out there dissing you in his recovery, then perhaps he is using you as a target instead of looking inside himself and facing his real problems. If he's working the AA steps with sponsor, i suspect he's going to have a doozie of a Fourth Step if he's being honest by then.
I think that you would be doing him a favor by cutting the relationship loose for now. He will come to understand that his actions have consequences and he's going to have to deal with them. Maybe one day he will come to you to make an honest amends. If it comes to that, you may decide for yourself whether that amends will do you any good to hear and accept or if you will be better off just letting things go as they have. He doesn't get to hold you hostage for his own mental and spiritual well being. It's up to him to make his own peace with his past.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I don't think anyone deserves to be treated the way you've described.
Seems like this is a good opportunity to fade out of that relationship altogether. From what you describe, this is a very troubled person. While it's admirable that you've tried to be there, it's also sounding deeply co-dependent and not at all healthy.
I'd set my life on "ignore" where this person is concerned and move on.
Seems like this is a good opportunity to fade out of that relationship altogether. From what you describe, this is a very troubled person. While it's admirable that you've tried to be there, it's also sounding deeply co-dependent and not at all healthy.
I'd set my life on "ignore" where this person is concerned and move on.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
You are under no obligation to let this person remain in your life. You are certainly not being a jerk if you put distance between the two of you. You are certainly not the cause of his drinking or terrible behavior and really, you don't deserve it.
My husband, who is an alcoholic and cocaine addict, sounds a lot like your friend in some parts. Crazy stories involving threats to himself. Addicts and alcoholics are very manipulative to get what they want and they don't consider the impact they have on the other person unless it is to consider the most effective way to get what they want.
I put up with it for nine years which is far too long. It was only when I thought my personal safety was in danger that I put him out and had very limited contact with him. Only gradually did I let him back. If we had not been married, and did not have two children together, I would not have stayed around.
I can't explain a lot of why and what I did right now. I just wanted to say be very cautious. The alcohol, cocaine and perhaps underlying mental health issues are a pretty dangerous combination. Even if your friend shows up and says that he is all better now, sorry I was a jerk, keep him at arms distance. And ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship that you have put up with it. If he is having a rough time much of it is self created through his own choices and none of it is going to get any better and will get worse if he doesn't stop and get help. Can you even be sure that he is going Into some 90 day program or is that another story?
Be careful. Good luck and I suggest going to the family and friends of substance abusers forum on this site.
My husband, who is an alcoholic and cocaine addict, sounds a lot like your friend in some parts. Crazy stories involving threats to himself. Addicts and alcoholics are very manipulative to get what they want and they don't consider the impact they have on the other person unless it is to consider the most effective way to get what they want.
I put up with it for nine years which is far too long. It was only when I thought my personal safety was in danger that I put him out and had very limited contact with him. Only gradually did I let him back. If we had not been married, and did not have two children together, I would not have stayed around.
I can't explain a lot of why and what I did right now. I just wanted to say be very cautious. The alcohol, cocaine and perhaps underlying mental health issues are a pretty dangerous combination. Even if your friend shows up and says that he is all better now, sorry I was a jerk, keep him at arms distance. And ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship that you have put up with it. If he is having a rough time much of it is self created through his own choices and none of it is going to get any better and will get worse if he doesn't stop and get help. Can you even be sure that he is going Into some 90 day program or is that another story?
Be careful. Good luck and I suggest going to the family and friends of substance abusers forum on this site.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
You wouldn't be an ahole for cutting him out. Honestly, I was wondering why you hadn't. For your sanity, you need to set boundaries and sometimes that boundary is no contact.
I'm sorry you went through that... Jeez.
I'm sorry you went through that... Jeez.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 52
Thank you for your responses. I wasn't sure about posting on this part of the site (I have posted in the friends and family section) as I didn't want to offend anyone. I just feel it's important to hear from people who have been in his situation as it's not something I understand personally.
Step 4 is always his downfall and I understand it's extremely hard to look back at things. I'm also aware I'm not in any way to blame for his addiction. Toward the end I began reacting VERY negatively to his drinking and drug taking and kept my distance from him as he scared the living hell out of me, but when he was sober I'd be there again. I found it next to impossible to go through the violent outbursts, the horrible tricks and manipulation and not bring it up when he'd sobered up. I think that's why he cut me off as he didn't like hearing about what he'd done. Who would though! I only told him because he was constantly going in circles and each time it went wrong, he'd make a beeline for me and start attacking me and not the people who had been out drinking with him in the first place.
I was badly codependent but am slowly but surely getting better. Someone used the word "hostage" and I couldn't think of any more appropriate term. He told me his drinking was none of my business, but then would go out of his way to make it my business. It wasn't the drink that got to me, it was what would happen EVERY time the drink and drugs ran out.
I don't know what to do when he reaches step 8, but hopefully he'll be in a position that it doesn't matter. All I want is for him to be happy and live the life he could have if he lets himself be free from addiction. I don't know if he'll ever understand why I won't ever go back there, but I hope he takes responsibility for what he did in the past and manages to live for the future.
Once again though thank you for all your answers. I know some of you have been in his position which is one I can appreciate but not relate to. Just because I feel aggrieved, I don't want to be nasty to him unnecessarily.
Step 4 is always his downfall and I understand it's extremely hard to look back at things. I'm also aware I'm not in any way to blame for his addiction. Toward the end I began reacting VERY negatively to his drinking and drug taking and kept my distance from him as he scared the living hell out of me, but when he was sober I'd be there again. I found it next to impossible to go through the violent outbursts, the horrible tricks and manipulation and not bring it up when he'd sobered up. I think that's why he cut me off as he didn't like hearing about what he'd done. Who would though! I only told him because he was constantly going in circles and each time it went wrong, he'd make a beeline for me and start attacking me and not the people who had been out drinking with him in the first place.
I was badly codependent but am slowly but surely getting better. Someone used the word "hostage" and I couldn't think of any more appropriate term. He told me his drinking was none of my business, but then would go out of his way to make it my business. It wasn't the drink that got to me, it was what would happen EVERY time the drink and drugs ran out.
I don't know what to do when he reaches step 8, but hopefully he'll be in a position that it doesn't matter. All I want is for him to be happy and live the life he could have if he lets himself be free from addiction. I don't know if he'll ever understand why I won't ever go back there, but I hope he takes responsibility for what he did in the past and manages to live for the future.
Once again though thank you for all your answers. I know some of you have been in his position which is one I can appreciate but not relate to. Just because I feel aggrieved, I don't want to be nasty to him unnecessarily.
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