I don't know how I feel
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I don't know how I feel
Hi all. I apologise for the long post I need to work some things out.
I had a long telephone call with my AH last night who was very drunk where he told me several different things. First of all since he left in early march he has told me he's still in love with me and wants his future to be with me well last night he refused to tell me how he feels saying it's not fair as it gives me hope then later on in the conversation he said I don't think you know how much you mean to me your the mother of my children and my best friend and how he misses his best friend how I'm the only person who knows who he really is who listens to him and let's him be himself!! I said to him that we could work it out as I know he's in love with me and his reply was I'm not!!!! He then told me about a night he was angry with me because I wouldn't go away for a drunken weekend with him and my friend and her husband and how he thought he wouldn't be able to drink again if he stayed!!
His sister called today as she is home for the uncles funeral my AH told her that he had to leave as I wouldn't let him see his friends!! The friends he is talking about nearly tore us apart because of my anxieties about them and him being with them. These friends were not nice people took drugs (AH has a history of drug addiction which increased my anxiety when he was with them) drank heavily and lots of other things I won't comment on here. I hated the person he had become when associating with them he turned into this person who thought he could fight the world and became very angry and aggressive! He would constantly tell me he was doing nothing wrong!!Despite asking him for over a year to stop associating with the he wouldn't and he left me over it. He eventually stopped associating with them but it was when he chose not to not because of me. He later told me that he didn't like himself when he was with them and only went as somewhere to drink and admitted that he was protecting his place to drink!
He called today and apologised for his drunken telephone call and how he shouldn't be torturing me. I told him what he had said and asked if he had fallen out of love with me he said I think so I don't know how I feel but how could I hurt you this way if I was in love with you!! He said that he only stopped seeing his friends because of me which is nonsense if that was the case he would have stopped when I first and repeatedly asked him. I reminded him of what he told me that he didn't like himself when with them and who he was turning into but he then said he's not even sure if that was true!!!!
I realised today that he wants to keep me in his life when he wants me but yet continue to actively drink and be on his own without any responsibility to me and the kids.
Since he left I have spent everyday wanting him to talk to me to figure this out obsessively at times constantly texting him trying to convince him that he was making a mistake as I believed he was in love with me and wanted his future to be with me I have been and am so focused on him and how he feels about me as that have me hope that we would be ok and he just needed time to sort himself out but after our conversation today I realised how unimportant I am to him and how I have always been drink came first and always did. I feel like such a fool!!
As I thought back on our 18 years together I remembered the numerous times he has left me because his drinking was threatened or his place to drink and only came home when he was ready and had had enough. My AH never did anything unless he wanted to. Over the years his addiction has caused significant problems in our marriage. When I first met him he drank daily and took drugs he would disappear for days on end and I would have no idea where he was. He was violent and aggressive yet I still married him! The first time he left was just after our 1st wedding anniversary for 5 years so he could drink. He came home after he promised he would stop drinking but he never did and on and on his drinking continued the violence and aggression stopped. At times it was manageable but at other times it wasn't. I was always anxious around him when he was drinking and this has continued he told me today that he couldn't drink as often as he wanted as he knew I didn't want him to I was controlling him!!
At times when I think back on our marriage I think is it any wonder I never felt I was good enough for him or that he loved me but why did I stay why would I stay with someone who clearly only ever thought of himself and never considered anyone else. He was obsessed with clearing our debt to the point where we couldn't spend any money as the debt had to be paid off first. At the end of the month I had to tell him what my wages were so he could have what was left after the household bills were paid towards the debt!! I resented doing this and not having any money to myself unless he said I could I use to feel that if my wages weren't enough that I was letting him down!!
At times I think I really love him and want him home at other times I think no I'm more scared of being on my own that I would put up with anything that I'm grieving for the man I knew he could be who I wanted him to be!
There are rare moments when I realise how much more relaxed I am especially At the weekends how much more relaxed and peaceful the home is how I now have financial freedom to buy what I want but I feel guilty for these thoughts. I don't know why I feel guilty and I don't focus on these thoughts for long. Yes I feel lonely but then I realise I was lonely when he was at home constantly worried if he was in bad form in case I had done something to annoy him even though I knew deep down I hadn't. I did everything in the house and made sure the kids did what they had to do so he would t shout at them when he came home. Yet I worked the longest hours actually there were times I would rather have worked than been at home other times I didn't want to be away from him.
I don't know how I really feel and when I try to think about my real feelings I can't they get caught up in wanting him home and missing him and why was I not enough for him!! I'm conflicted by my feelings. How could I want to be with someone who has treated me so badly, why did I let it go on for so long and why did I believe everything he told me even though deep down I knew from history he would never follow through. Was I that desperate for love that I'd av put up with anything I allowed him to reinforce feelings that I already had from. Childhood!! My life has revolved around him for so long I stopped going out at the weekends preferring to be with him or maybe it was I was anxious about leaving him in the house with the kids as he would drink. If I did go out I spent the night worrying about how drunk he was getting and if the kids were ok and would ring constantly to check up on him!! I stopped enjoying life.
How do I begin to figure out how I really feel about my AH and our marriage and how do I stop focusing on him and us being together and focus on me. I have been able to focus on my kids and help them through this and encourage my son to focus on his exams which will determine his future but can't focus on me!!
Any tips would be helpful and again apologies for the essay lol
I had a long telephone call with my AH last night who was very drunk where he told me several different things. First of all since he left in early march he has told me he's still in love with me and wants his future to be with me well last night he refused to tell me how he feels saying it's not fair as it gives me hope then later on in the conversation he said I don't think you know how much you mean to me your the mother of my children and my best friend and how he misses his best friend how I'm the only person who knows who he really is who listens to him and let's him be himself!! I said to him that we could work it out as I know he's in love with me and his reply was I'm not!!!! He then told me about a night he was angry with me because I wouldn't go away for a drunken weekend with him and my friend and her husband and how he thought he wouldn't be able to drink again if he stayed!!
His sister called today as she is home for the uncles funeral my AH told her that he had to leave as I wouldn't let him see his friends!! The friends he is talking about nearly tore us apart because of my anxieties about them and him being with them. These friends were not nice people took drugs (AH has a history of drug addiction which increased my anxiety when he was with them) drank heavily and lots of other things I won't comment on here. I hated the person he had become when associating with them he turned into this person who thought he could fight the world and became very angry and aggressive! He would constantly tell me he was doing nothing wrong!!Despite asking him for over a year to stop associating with the he wouldn't and he left me over it. He eventually stopped associating with them but it was when he chose not to not because of me. He later told me that he didn't like himself when he was with them and only went as somewhere to drink and admitted that he was protecting his place to drink!
He called today and apologised for his drunken telephone call and how he shouldn't be torturing me. I told him what he had said and asked if he had fallen out of love with me he said I think so I don't know how I feel but how could I hurt you this way if I was in love with you!! He said that he only stopped seeing his friends because of me which is nonsense if that was the case he would have stopped when I first and repeatedly asked him. I reminded him of what he told me that he didn't like himself when with them and who he was turning into but he then said he's not even sure if that was true!!!!
I realised today that he wants to keep me in his life when he wants me but yet continue to actively drink and be on his own without any responsibility to me and the kids.
Since he left I have spent everyday wanting him to talk to me to figure this out obsessively at times constantly texting him trying to convince him that he was making a mistake as I believed he was in love with me and wanted his future to be with me I have been and am so focused on him and how he feels about me as that have me hope that we would be ok and he just needed time to sort himself out but after our conversation today I realised how unimportant I am to him and how I have always been drink came first and always did. I feel like such a fool!!
As I thought back on our 18 years together I remembered the numerous times he has left me because his drinking was threatened or his place to drink and only came home when he was ready and had had enough. My AH never did anything unless he wanted to. Over the years his addiction has caused significant problems in our marriage. When I first met him he drank daily and took drugs he would disappear for days on end and I would have no idea where he was. He was violent and aggressive yet I still married him! The first time he left was just after our 1st wedding anniversary for 5 years so he could drink. He came home after he promised he would stop drinking but he never did and on and on his drinking continued the violence and aggression stopped. At times it was manageable but at other times it wasn't. I was always anxious around him when he was drinking and this has continued he told me today that he couldn't drink as often as he wanted as he knew I didn't want him to I was controlling him!!
At times when I think back on our marriage I think is it any wonder I never felt I was good enough for him or that he loved me but why did I stay why would I stay with someone who clearly only ever thought of himself and never considered anyone else. He was obsessed with clearing our debt to the point where we couldn't spend any money as the debt had to be paid off first. At the end of the month I had to tell him what my wages were so he could have what was left after the household bills were paid towards the debt!! I resented doing this and not having any money to myself unless he said I could I use to feel that if my wages weren't enough that I was letting him down!!
At times I think I really love him and want him home at other times I think no I'm more scared of being on my own that I would put up with anything that I'm grieving for the man I knew he could be who I wanted him to be!
There are rare moments when I realise how much more relaxed I am especially At the weekends how much more relaxed and peaceful the home is how I now have financial freedom to buy what I want but I feel guilty for these thoughts. I don't know why I feel guilty and I don't focus on these thoughts for long. Yes I feel lonely but then I realise I was lonely when he was at home constantly worried if he was in bad form in case I had done something to annoy him even though I knew deep down I hadn't. I did everything in the house and made sure the kids did what they had to do so he would t shout at them when he came home. Yet I worked the longest hours actually there were times I would rather have worked than been at home other times I didn't want to be away from him.
I don't know how I really feel and when I try to think about my real feelings I can't they get caught up in wanting him home and missing him and why was I not enough for him!! I'm conflicted by my feelings. How could I want to be with someone who has treated me so badly, why did I let it go on for so long and why did I believe everything he told me even though deep down I knew from history he would never follow through. Was I that desperate for love that I'd av put up with anything I allowed him to reinforce feelings that I already had from. Childhood!! My life has revolved around him for so long I stopped going out at the weekends preferring to be with him or maybe it was I was anxious about leaving him in the house with the kids as he would drink. If I did go out I spent the night worrying about how drunk he was getting and if the kids were ok and would ring constantly to check up on him!! I stopped enjoying life.
How do I begin to figure out how I really feel about my AH and our marriage and how do I stop focusing on him and us being together and focus on me. I have been able to focus on my kids and help them through this and encourage my son to focus on his exams which will determine his future but can't focus on me!!
Any tips would be helpful and again apologies for the essay lol
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
As I thought back on our 18 years together I remembered the numerous times he has left me because his drinking was threatened or his place to drink and only came home when he was ready and had had enough. My AH never did anything unless he wanted to. Over the years his addiction has caused significant problems in our marriage. When I first met him he drank daily and took drugs he would disappear for days on end and I would have no idea where he was. He was violent and aggressive yet I still married him! The first time he left was just after our 1st wedding anniversary for 5 years so he could drink. He came home after he promised he would stop drinking but he never did and on and on his drinking continued the violence and aggression stopped. At times it was manageable but at other times it wasn't. I was always anxious around him when he was drinking and this has continued he told me today that he couldn't drink as often as he wanted as he knew I didn't want him to I was controlling him!!
give the above a LOT of thought. from the git go ALCOHOL was his priority and he showed you over and over that it remained so. he doesn't know how to live without it. and that prevents him from ever being a fully present partner. he came and go as he saw fit, he was abusive, and now finally he's bailed on the whole "grown up married person with responsibilities" thing so he can keep drinking.
every time you let him back, you unwittingly told him what he did was OK. we teach people how to treat us. when we let them treat our home like the Motel 6, it shouldn't be a surprise when they check out.
best favor you could do yourself, ok one of them, is to no longer engage in conversations with a drunk. it's pointless. they make no sense. under the influence they are liable to say anything. and anything they DO say should not be taken to heart. it's verbal vomit.
give the above a LOT of thought. from the git go ALCOHOL was his priority and he showed you over and over that it remained so. he doesn't know how to live without it. and that prevents him from ever being a fully present partner. he came and go as he saw fit, he was abusive, and now finally he's bailed on the whole "grown up married person with responsibilities" thing so he can keep drinking.
every time you let him back, you unwittingly told him what he did was OK. we teach people how to treat us. when we let them treat our home like the Motel 6, it shouldn't be a surprise when they check out.
best favor you could do yourself, ok one of them, is to no longer engage in conversations with a drunk. it's pointless. they make no sense. under the influence they are liable to say anything. and anything they DO say should not be taken to heart. it's verbal vomit.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I have been thinking about it a lot lately And your right he has shown time & time again that alcohol is his first priority and always will be. So why did I keep taking him back. At times I think if he came here now and promised he would stop drinking and do what ever he had to do to save our marriage part of me thinks I'd take him back no questions but the other part says no why would I put myself through a repeat of our past. I don't know how I feel or how to figure out how I feel!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
I think you should believe what his actions have told you for many years,
not his drunken words.
You all deserve a better life.
You kids certainly deserve a stable household free of addiction and abuse.
Sometime's love isn't enough when dealing with an addict.
I'm sorry this is so painful, but what steps can you take right now
to try and get some perspective and peace in this situation?
Talking to him when he's drunk, or hearing what he's said about you
from his family is obviously not bringing you peace but heartache.
not his drunken words.
You all deserve a better life.
You kids certainly deserve a stable household free of addiction and abuse.
Sometime's love isn't enough when dealing with an addict.
I'm sorry this is so painful, but what steps can you take right now
to try and get some perspective and peace in this situation?
Talking to him when he's drunk, or hearing what he's said about you
from his family is obviously not bringing you peace but heartache.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,900
What you need is time away from him...NO contact. You talk to him every day for hours at a time and it's not giving you any time away from the chaos. Talking to a drunk person is like talking to your mousepad. Totally useless.
Take a few weeks and focus on you and your kids. No contact whatsoever with him. No phone calls; no texts; no emails; nothing! Give your head some time to decompress. Otherwise, you are going to stay confused and upset and worrying about what he doing and what he going to do and other stuff you don't need to be thinking about.
Take a few weeks and focus on you and your kids. No contact whatsoever with him. No phone calls; no texts; no emails; nothing! Give your head some time to decompress. Otherwise, you are going to stay confused and upset and worrying about what he doing and what he going to do and other stuff you don't need to be thinking about.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
He tells me one thing one day and something different the next And I'm hanging on his every word. If he tells me he's in love with me my mood picks up when he tells me he's not or he doesn't know how he feels my moods drops significantly. Up until 2wks ago he was in love with me now he doesn't know. Your right I have to stop focusing on him and focus on me. I have deleted all his text messages. I think I've had a wake up call today in that yes he wants me in his life but when he wants and to be free to continue to actively drink whenever and with whoever he wants!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Confused--this has been going on for a very long time. It will take some time and investment for you to recover---it won't be overnight--or even a few days or weeks.
You state that he was drinking and using drugs when you met him and that he was also violent and aggressive--yet you married him, anyway. You have been living with this kind of abuse for 18yrs.
I suggest that you consider the following:
1. Attend alanon
2. get a personal therapist to help you sort out why you entered such an abusive relationship and stayed for so l ong....and still want to be there. I believe that you are in the grieving process and a therapist can help you with that.
3. Study everything you can get your hands on about alcoholism and co-dependency, as well as abusive relationships.
4. Learn (through alanon and SR how to distance yourself from this man).
Confused, I believe that these are the bare bones list that can get you on the way to focusing on yourself and kids--and curtail the obsessive thoughts about him.
dandylion
You state that he was drinking and using drugs when you met him and that he was also violent and aggressive--yet you married him, anyway. You have been living with this kind of abuse for 18yrs.
I suggest that you consider the following:
1. Attend alanon
2. get a personal therapist to help you sort out why you entered such an abusive relationship and stayed for so l ong....and still want to be there. I believe that you are in the grieving process and a therapist can help you with that.
3. Study everything you can get your hands on about alcoholism and co-dependency, as well as abusive relationships.
4. Learn (through alanon and SR how to distance yourself from this man).
Confused, I believe that these are the bare bones list that can get you on the way to focusing on yourself and kids--and curtail the obsessive thoughts about him.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you might want to consider that HIS concept of LOVE doesn't match what YOU think love is. it's just a word....easily said, one syllable, four letters. however each of us has a different emotional experience when we HEAR that word.
don't tell me you love me.....SHOW me. love looks like love. love is an action word. and shows itself in small ways and big ways.
walking out on your wife time after time is not love. being abusive is not love. leaving the home so you can drink at will is not love. a drunk slurring "i'm ztill in luv wit u" isn't love.
do you have dogs? how do they act EACH and EVERY day you come home? oh my god, you're back, its been forever, I am SOOOO happy to see you I might just pee myself!!!! while we humans may not need to drool on each other, it should be of similar sentiment!!!!
don't tell me you love me.....SHOW me. love looks like love. love is an action word. and shows itself in small ways and big ways.
walking out on your wife time after time is not love. being abusive is not love. leaving the home so you can drink at will is not love. a drunk slurring "i'm ztill in luv wit u" isn't love.
do you have dogs? how do they act EACH and EVERY day you come home? oh my god, you're back, its been forever, I am SOOOO happy to see you I might just pee myself!!!! while we humans may not need to drool on each other, it should be of similar sentiment!!!!
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
He hasn't been violent or aggressive since before our first separation but could be controlling esp in later years about money!!
I think I married him because when he first hit me it was a month before our wedding and I didn't want to let everyone down I also think I so badly wanted to believe him when he esp saying how sorry he was how much he loved me and that he would change. I desperately wanted to be loved by someone and I suppose I thought stupidly that he would change for me he loves me!! I was young and naive as for why I kept taking him back again I think I thought this time he's serious he really wants to stop drinking he loves me this won't happen again but of course it did! When he left 2years ago because of argument over his friends And his drinking I was in a very bad place and believed I wasn't good enough for him I felt that I was going crazy I was telling him my anxieties and he kept saying that he wasn't doing anything wrong and I was being unreasonable. I believed At the time I pushed him away with my demands now I realise if he loved me there wouldn't have been any choice he'd have chosen me and our kids rather than his drink. At that time I didn't understand addiction so felt that he had chosen his friends over me the kids our marriage!! I had a breakdown when he left that time. When he came home it was on the condition he could drink with his friends and as I was in such a bad place i felt I was lucky to have him home so I agreed. Feeling very stupid!!
I am reading about addiction trying to understand and about co dependency it's scary how many of the traits I've exhibited over the years!
I think I married him because when he first hit me it was a month before our wedding and I didn't want to let everyone down I also think I so badly wanted to believe him when he esp saying how sorry he was how much he loved me and that he would change. I desperately wanted to be loved by someone and I suppose I thought stupidly that he would change for me he loves me!! I was young and naive as for why I kept taking him back again I think I thought this time he's serious he really wants to stop drinking he loves me this won't happen again but of course it did! When he left 2years ago because of argument over his friends And his drinking I was in a very bad place and believed I wasn't good enough for him I felt that I was going crazy I was telling him my anxieties and he kept saying that he wasn't doing anything wrong and I was being unreasonable. I believed At the time I pushed him away with my demands now I realise if he loved me there wouldn't have been any choice he'd have chosen me and our kids rather than his drink. At that time I didn't understand addiction so felt that he had chosen his friends over me the kids our marriage!! I had a breakdown when he left that time. When he came home it was on the condition he could drink with his friends and as I was in such a bad place i felt I was lucky to have him home so I agreed. Feeling very stupid!!
I am reading about addiction trying to understand and about co dependency it's scary how many of the traits I've exhibited over the years!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I understand the ups and downs of your moods and emotions. Our moods depends on their words, their actions, and there moods. Going no contact was the only way for me to get stability. It's not easy at first, and I realized I was as addicted as he was. Withdrawals stink but they eventually pass. You can do this!! Post here as much as you need and just take one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Confused39- I can feel your pain and in your words see my life in black in white.
I suggest NO CONTACT download Mr Number and block his text and phone calls have it hangup so he can't leave a message and uncheck the box that will show you he has called or tried to text. Cry when you need to cry and try your hardest not to blame yourself for anything. Read as much material as possible and go to Alanon.
The Motel6 quote was spot on gosh I wish I had someone tell me that sooner.
When you stop trying to change the past you will be begin to see how you are in control of your next minute,hour day, week etc.
Addiction in the world will never go away but your choice of being around someone who is an addict can change.
Someone told me awhile ago and it has stuck with me since. This person said when he/she was actively drinking the best thing for them to do was walk away from he/she. I know now that going NC it save you from going through so much more emotional turmoil.
There is a post called What Addicts do. I have this printed and kept in a visual spot.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
I suggest NO CONTACT download Mr Number and block his text and phone calls have it hangup so he can't leave a message and uncheck the box that will show you he has called or tried to text. Cry when you need to cry and try your hardest not to blame yourself for anything. Read as much material as possible and go to Alanon.
The Motel6 quote was spot on gosh I wish I had someone tell me that sooner.
When you stop trying to change the past you will be begin to see how you are in control of your next minute,hour day, week etc.
Addiction in the world will never go away but your choice of being around someone who is an addict can change.
Someone told me awhile ago and it has stuck with me since. This person said when he/she was actively drinking the best thing for them to do was walk away from he/she. I know now that going NC it save you from going through so much more emotional turmoil.
There is a post called What Addicts do. I have this printed and kept in a visual spot.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
The man, Jon, who wrote "what addicts do" was the original owner of SR. I have a few friends in recovery who say that it is 100% spot on.
I appreciate it so much he will never know.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you everyone for taking time to respond. You are all right I have to go no contact unless it's about the kids. I can't help him I can only help myself and start my own recovery. I think if he wanted to come home could this be my life in 10 years with an active A.......yes it would be unless he gets sober and at this time he doesn't want that.
A friend sent me a quote today. Sometimes you have to move on without certain people if they're meant to be in your life they'll catch up!!
A friend sent me a quote today. Sometimes you have to move on without certain people if they're meant to be in your life they'll catch up!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You are addicted to him, as has been said above.
The only way to break an addiction is to put it down.
No contact is the only way. Don't answer calls, don't answer the door. Change the locks. Remove him from facebook or any other social media. Block texts, and emails.
Stay away for at least a month.
The only way to break an addiction is to put it down.
No contact is the only way. Don't answer calls, don't answer the door. Change the locks. Remove him from facebook or any other social media. Block texts, and emails.
Stay away for at least a month.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 175
All of this time and energy you are spending on what he is doing and thinking and saying, is doing nothing more but robbing you of who you are. So of course you don't know how you feel. Why are you giving him this power? He may have chosen alcohol, but you are the one choosing to let it destroy you. You need to choose to move forward, regardless of what he is doing or not doing. You need to choose to stay strong, focussed and determined even if he hates you for doing so. And you need to keep your head up, eyes open, and feet on the ground so you can enjoy life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: acceptance
Posts: 126
Confused, you sound so much like me one year ago.
My A would torment me every night and then when he got up to go to work would leave me these wonderful sweet notes at the coffee pot. Constantly saying I need you in my life, I love you, your the only one for me, we have worked to hard to let this go, omg it went on and on. At first I was touched by it..... but when the drunk mood at night didn't match the sweet love notes left in the morning I began to realize that the things he was saying while he was drunk were indeed his true feelings but he could only say them when had had liquid courage on board. The sweet notes in the morning were to hang on to me because he was scared for me to leave because deep down he knew I was helping/enabling him to continue drinking and living as he pleased.
There was nothing in any of his actions that indicated he was anything but an alcoholic that was never going to stop drinking and never be an equal partner, treating me with the respect I deserved.
While I was still there, I declined offers on most invites because he would get drunk and be an a**, I didn't want anyone to see how bad things really were so over several years I pretty much became a recluse with family and friends. Little did I know, though I kept saying everything was fine they knew full well exactly what was going on.
I was very scared about my future, afraid because I would lose his medical, afraid because I don't have a pension. He and I had a plan for retirement and leaving meant I was going to have to re-think, re-plan for myself. Moving out and moving on (still working on the moving on) has not been easy but every day gets better.
I am a very private person and there are quite a few people that don't even know yet that I have left him (that's how much we did things together... when I started showing up at things, they don't even notice he is missing). Those very people that have no idea what upheaval has been going on in my life have commented how good I look. Relaxed and happy. Others say I have a glow about me and those that are in the know say they can see how much I have grown in the last 8 months, even though I feel like I am still taking baby steps on many days.
The hardest part is making the decision and taking that first step. A little pre-planning if you are able will help.
I'll be thinking about you and praying for your situation.
My A would torment me every night and then when he got up to go to work would leave me these wonderful sweet notes at the coffee pot. Constantly saying I need you in my life, I love you, your the only one for me, we have worked to hard to let this go, omg it went on and on. At first I was touched by it..... but when the drunk mood at night didn't match the sweet love notes left in the morning I began to realize that the things he was saying while he was drunk were indeed his true feelings but he could only say them when had had liquid courage on board. The sweet notes in the morning were to hang on to me because he was scared for me to leave because deep down he knew I was helping/enabling him to continue drinking and living as he pleased.
There was nothing in any of his actions that indicated he was anything but an alcoholic that was never going to stop drinking and never be an equal partner, treating me with the respect I deserved.
While I was still there, I declined offers on most invites because he would get drunk and be an a**, I didn't want anyone to see how bad things really were so over several years I pretty much became a recluse with family and friends. Little did I know, though I kept saying everything was fine they knew full well exactly what was going on.
I was very scared about my future, afraid because I would lose his medical, afraid because I don't have a pension. He and I had a plan for retirement and leaving meant I was going to have to re-think, re-plan for myself. Moving out and moving on (still working on the moving on) has not been easy but every day gets better.
I am a very private person and there are quite a few people that don't even know yet that I have left him (that's how much we did things together... when I started showing up at things, they don't even notice he is missing). Those very people that have no idea what upheaval has been going on in my life have commented how good I look. Relaxed and happy. Others say I have a glow about me and those that are in the know say they can see how much I have grown in the last 8 months, even though I feel like I am still taking baby steps on many days.
The hardest part is making the decision and taking that first step. A little pre-planning if you are able will help.
I'll be thinking about you and praying for your situation.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Why is it that I find it easier to believe that he left because I'm not good enough for him I didn't make him happy and it is my fault rather than accept he left to drink despite him telling me this??
It was only until recently that I considered him an alcoholic I thought an alcoholic was someone who drank every night not someone who binged or when he drank he drank and passed out! Reading has helped me to understand there are different types of alcoholics! Over the years there have been times when his drinking was out of control then other times he appeared to be able to control it. Reflecting back he is an alcoholic as he can't control his drinking and never has been able to. So why is it easier to blame myself????
It was only until recently that I considered him an alcoholic I thought an alcoholic was someone who drank every night not someone who binged or when he drank he drank and passed out! Reading has helped me to understand there are different types of alcoholics! Over the years there have been times when his drinking was out of control then other times he appeared to be able to control it. Reflecting back he is an alcoholic as he can't control his drinking and never has been able to. So why is it easier to blame myself????
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Confused39
Why is it that I find it easier to believe that he left because I'm not good enough for him I didn't make him happy and it is my fault rather than accept he left to drink despite him telling me this??
It was only until recently that I considered him an alcoholic I thought an alcoholic was someone who drank every night not someone who binged or when he drank he drank and passed out! Reading has helped me to understand there are different types of alcoholics! Over the years there have been times when his drinking was out of control then other times he appeared to be able to control it. Reflecting back he is an alcoholic as he can't control his drinking and never has been able to. So why is it easier to blame myself????
It was only until recently that I considered him an alcoholic I thought an alcoholic was someone who drank every night not someone who binged or when he drank he drank and passed out! Reading has helped me to understand there are different types of alcoholics! Over the years there have been times when his drinking was out of control then other times he appeared to be able to control it. Reflecting back he is an alcoholic as he can't control his drinking and never has been able to. So why is it easier to blame myself????
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