jarp

Seriously what the HELL is wrong with me?

My AH is getting worse. I know this is a progressive disease....I can see it progressing.

AH is becoming more angry, more self-pitying, more paranoid, less able to control himself. He's aggressive (towards things, other men, not me or the kids...yet). He is verbally abusive. When he's sober he's withdrawn.

And then there are glimmers of the old person, the person he used to be. And we'll have nice time.

I've been working on detachment and I think I am improving, bit by bit, over time.

I can not longer trust him alone with the kids. But there is occasion where I need to. Recently I needed to do a work trip of seas for 3 days. He'd been good for a few weeks...stable, minimal drinking, happier, calmer. I thought it might be ok. I don't think it was. He took one day off work, couldn't pick the kids up from sport because he'd been drinking and on the 3rd night his sister popped over after kids were in bed and he was drunk. She said she couldn't believe I'd left the kids with him.

I need to say to him I can't have him in the house anymore whilst he is drunk when the kids are here.

I know what his response will be. It will involve an 'f you' and he'll leave.

Which says it all.

What the HELL is wrong with me that I can't have this conversation with him? I go to do it whilst he has been drinking bc that is the only way I am used to talking with him. Then I think NO don't do that, it will end terribly, bad for him and me. It's a conversation to have without alcohol. Which is maybe one night a week. And then that day comes around and I can't seem to make myself speak the words.

I do still love him, those glimmers of who he used to be. The rest I hate. But those glimmers keep me here.

What the HELL is wrong with me that I am not putting my kids first? Really???

What makes if harder is the 5yo who adores him saying to me "I'm so sad, because daddy has gone away, I miss daddy" (he travels for work). DS ADORES his dad. If I make dh leave I am pretty sure he won't have much contact with ds. I certainly won't be giving him access over night, and only when he hasn't been drinking. Which means ds won't get to see him much.

But I know that pain for ds isn't as bad as the damage that will be done living in an alcoholic household.

Someone say something magic to me that will get me over the line....please.....

redatlanta

First I am sorry this is what is happening to you.

I think you have some level of comfort that nothing really bad can happen to your children while in the care of AH (because he has a line he won't cross), and while being exposed to your husband while you are there.

A's don't have lines. What you are is lucky, only lucky that nothing happened while you were gone. Your children would have been better off if they were left alone than in the custody of a drunk. The man's own sister can't believe you left them with him. I can't believe it.

This is a reflection of your own sickness of codependency and enabling. I truly do not believe for a moment that the safety of your children isn't important to you. Too often we are fooled into thinking that "bad things" won't happen. That your husband will take care of the kids just fine. That we have no choice but to do things (like go on a work trip) and everything will be ok. Its not until something does happen that we wish we had done different. I think a good analogy is the purchase of insurance. People don't get it because they say "I have never had an accident" - and then they have one, lose everything and go to jail, and then they say "why didn't I just pay $80 a month".

You cannot leave your kids in this man's care. Not ever.

I suggest you attend Al Anon - have you?

jarp

Yes you are right. I know you are.

I have had psychotherapy with someone who specilalises in co-addiction, and done work on my own.

I haven't done al-anon yet. I will.

That was hard to read, but I do thank you. I think I'm in La-la land, thinking nothing bad will happen. But i do know it could. The insurance was a good analogy.

I just keep looking at him and I can't believe this is who he is. But he is what he is. And I have to face up to that. Or the kids will wear the consequences.

I feel ill.

kathyi

Jarp -- you are not alone.

Almost a year ago my husband told me he was having an affair, he loved her, 20 years of us was enough, he wanted a divorce. I begged him to choose me for four days then filed for divorce. He moved out 2 weeks later and in with her once her husband had moved out. He had been drinking his way through life the previous months. Has his own business but had essentially stopped working and golfed every day w/ her. I never had a clue, he hid it well for a long time. Thankfully I have a good job, paid all current expenses, his business was our retirement fund which, by this time last year, had been depleted.

3 months later he asked if I could ever get past this. The girlfriend is gone, we now have our own houses, I've put the divorce on hold twice because my heart is torn. I love this man, thought it was him and me against the world, that we'd grow old together, I like being married and at almost 50, I don't want to spend my life alone.

But, the counseling that was promised hasn't happened, I havent seen him drunk since last August but (as we all know) it's still happening, he can now hide it better since we don't live under the same roof!!!

While I'm taking my time with the divorce, the thing that keeps me from getting back together with him is our daughter. She's 13, I don't want her to live her life thinking this is a normal relationship, that she she shouldn't expect a man to contribute or share responsibilities or show up.

It's taken me a long time, baby steps but I spoke to the attorney last week, should have preliminary divorce docs shortly. I know what I need and doing it on my own timeframe has helped. It will be hard tho.

Protect your kids, take care of you. Find an al-anon meeting, it will help. Ask for help-- many of us have gone through this, there IS help out there, you don't have to do this alone.

I've read a couple good books on codependency. I'll post the titles, it may help to take that small step.

Good luck, be safe, keep in touch -- we'll be thinking about you

kathyi

Jarp -- here is a passage that I've found to be helpful:

What not to do to help

1. Do not accept blame or responsibility for his drinking. Multitudes of women less capable, less loving and less committed than you have partners without drinking problems.
2. Don’t drink with him. He takes that as an affirmation that his alcohol abuse is ok.
3. Don’t buy him alcohol. It is a vote of support.
4. Don’t hide his alcohol or pour it out. That just makes it your problem instead of his.
5. Don’t go to the bar to bring him home when he’s drunk. Rescuing him enables him to avoid responsibility for the consequences of his drinking. He has to learn to take responsibility if things are ever going to changes.
6. Don’t criticize him for his drinking. Again, the message he gets is that it’s your problem.
7. Don’t participate in arguments when he’s drinking or suffering the effects of drinking. It is pointless. The alcohol has taken away his ability to be rational, but not his ability to bully, control, be vindictive or to turn his problem into your problem.
8. Don’t buy into his excuses for drinking. You know they are part of his delusional thinking, so don’t even go there.
9. Don’t accept his denial that he has a drinking problem. Denial that the earth is round has never made it flat.
10. Avoid using the label “alcoholic.” That is lake waving a red flag in front of a bull. What matters is how he treats you, the children, himself, his work and everyone else, not what label he carries. It’s ok for him to call himself an alcoholic or functioning alcoholic; it’s not ok for you to do it when speaking to him.
11. Do not accept his apologies for raging, driving drunk, yelling at the kids, spending the grocery money on booze, ruining a holiday, or any other form of abuse. If he tries to apologize and get your sympathy and forgiveness, simply tell him that his bad behavior must stop.
12. Don’t buy into the practice of keeping family secrets. If he has a drinking problem, do not try to hide it from friends or family. He may rage at your talking with others about his behavior or the difficulty you are having with it. But so what -- he rages anyway.
13. Do not encourage your children to keep family secrets. Lake you, they need to know they are free to just be. They are not responsible for their dad’s problems. Good mental health is built on openness, not secrecy.
14. Do not deny or rationalize your partner’s increasing alcohol dependence. Other people too have job pressures, family problems, money problems or health issues, but they don’t turn to alcohol.
15. Do not use his drinking as an excuse for you to vent your anger. Of course you’re angry. But venting it on him only helps him to justify his continuing alcohol abuse. He may even try to pick a fight with you to push you into the trap.


What to do to help:

Actions to take only when he’s sober

· When he is sober, tell him how you feel when he is drinking. This isn’t criticism; it’s just information he can take in only when he is sober.
· Calmly tell him how afraid you were last night when he was drunk.
· Tell him about the anger you feel when you see your life passing by. You may be angry at yourself, but he needs to know about it.
· This is the time to tell him that the children are afraid of him when he is drinking.
· If his drinking is a prelude to abusive or otherwise bad behavior, tell him when he is sober that his bad behavior must stop.


Actions for me

1. Accept the reality that your partner’s continued alcohol abuse may lead to increasing marital discord, probable violence and possibly a painful separation. This is a tough reality to accept without sparking your terror of it all ending. But the necessary first step is awareness and acceptance of what is.
2. Find support for yourself as you disentangle yourself from the dance.
3. Discuss his drinking with your friends. You may find a couple of them are also dealing with problem drinking in their families. You can be important supports to one another.
4. Pursue your own independent interests, do something that is yours. Don’t ask permission; just do it.
5. Pursue your own personal growth. Growth happens anyway: you are far beyond where you were ten years ago. When you make your growth conscious and deliberate, you get better and happier faster.
6. Protect my child. First, keep her safe. Be as consistent as possible with her. If she has a stable loving alternative place to be, like with grandparents or an aunt and uncle, then let her spend time there often.
7. Recognize that ongoing alcohol abuse in your family will severely limit the child's social development, education, ability to form good relationships as adults, and generally lessen her chances of success in life. This is the general pattern so do whatever you need to do to make your family the exception.
8. Above all, make your own mental, physical and spiritual health your number one priority.
9. Get help for yourself, especially if you can’t shake the belief that you are somehow responsible for your partner’s drinking.
10. Get help for yourself, if you need to become more conscious of how your actions may be contributing to his continued alcohol abuse.
11. Get help for yourself, so you can become more conscious of how your needs may be contributing to his continued alcohol abuse:
a. Do you care too much?

b. Do you need someone to rescue?

c. Are you terrified of being alone?

12. Get help for yourself if you feel shame or guilt, or that you somehow deserve abuse. Shame and guilt can’t help you, and no one ever deserves abuse. That includes you!

dandylion

jarp--have you all even discussed rehab?

dandylion

inpieces314

When I finally kicked the ABF out of my house, my kids were upset for a while. Especially the two year old-every time he was in trouble he would scream "DAAAADDDDDDYYYYY!!!!" like he was going to save him or something.

After he left, he had NO contact with them, that is the way I wanted it. It was hard on everyone, even the ABF (but that was the point, wasn't it?), but eventually (and it only took a couple of weeks, if that) the kids started to accept it.

It's hard, but it can be done, and the kids will adapt.

kathyi

Living with a functioning alcoholic by Dr Neill Neill -- This is a good book to read first


Codependency no more by Melody Beattie --she's written a number of books on the subject

dessy

My AH behaviours are the same but at night if i work i have my 20yr old son here so i dont worry as much. It is progressing too. Hugs to you know how u r feeling

Live

Sometimes we have to love someone from a distance.
You don't have to stop loving him before you take action to protect yourself and little ones.

SeriousKarma

I know! I think there was a switch in my brain that sent me back to la-la-land as soon as my STBXAH sobered up. He was happy, so I was happy. "I'll have a side of denial fries with my repression burger, thank you very much!" Not sure if it's the same for you, but it's amazing how long we can put off necessary, mature discussion when our significant other is struggling with addiction.

Of course, for me, it all happened in good time, and with very little drama. Maybe it's our instincts telling us not to engage in meaningful conversation with someone who isn't healthy. Whether or not they're actively drinking.

((((( Hugs )))))))

Kathyi- Love the list.

jarp

Thank you kathyi. I'm sorry things have been so hard for you too.

It really comes down to what you say about your daughter. In my head I know this to be utterly true, and I'd tell anyone else the same thing.

I need to take action...this isn't right. When I think about the kids pain now, versus the kids possible pain in the future I know which I'd rather they face.

Thx for your thoughts.

jarp

Oh and also thank you for that fantastic list. I've been going over and over it. I can see how far I've come...I can check off a fair bit of the first part, which is not something I could have said a year ago....but I can also see how far I have to go...especially in the 'protecting your children' sections.


Do you know what's crazy? I've considered calling child protection myself.....to make me take action. Am I insane?

jarp

Yes this really strikes a cord with me.

I'm not sure if its exactly denial....I think I am on to that.....but it's the rare peaceful day I don't want to give up. I also feel deep sorrow for my ah....his life must be hell......I feel like having the conversation with him is going to ruin the peaceful moment he is having. And then I realise how codependent that is of me....and as far as I think I've come, I'm still entrenched in unhealthy ways of thinking.

jarp

Endlessly.

He's no ready, half the time doesn't even admit to a problem, and says that if I want him to stop drinking then he can't be with me, and can be A father to the kids.

I live in a country there rehab must be voluntary....so even when he's in a terrible, terrible state....unless I have him 'committed' then there's nothing I can do. Having someone committed means you must prove serious harm to self or others....and unfortunately 'just' being an alcoholic on a rampage doesn't hit the bar required.

Bullfrog

You are like the rest of us were, or still are: hope addicts. But this is a progressive disease. There really isn't much to hope for. (And that hope that is there, it's their battle to fight.).

You were blinded by hope but now you aren't. Now what are you going to do about it? You cannot claim denial anymore.

kathyi

Jarp -- glad you liked the list although I can't take credit for it. I pulled it from one of the books I mentioned.... Living with a functioning alcoholic by Dr. Neill Neill

It's a good book, available hardcopy and online. and yes his name is Neill Neill.

Good night, here's to a better tomorrow

fbw

Thank you for this post.

I have been struggling with getting ready to depart. I love my husband deeply. Slowly I have realised that as long as I am there - there is no chance of recovery. If I leave there is a small chance. I am losing him any way slowly over time, I am just no longer denying that it is happening. You are not alone. Letting go with love is hard.

Florence

It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that he was really sick and I wasn't just being dramatic, and that he wasn't safe to live with, and the changes I would have to make to adapt to his absence. When I caught him bathing my infant daughter while secretly drunk (the second time, after he promised it would never happen again) (it makes me sick to think of what could have happened to her) I kicked him out for the final time and changed the locks on the door. This process took about two years. First I saw a lawyer in secret just to find out what the process would look like -- I didn't file until a year later. I waited and watched to see if his behavior changed when he wasn't around us, and in fact, he got worse. I was never able to take action without an incident first kicking me in the butt. A trip to rehab, catching him in the act, a job loss, etc. you don't have to wait for an incident, you can do it any time. I wish I'd done it sooner.

You know what's happening and you can't un-know it. I believe we have to give him the dignity of living however he wants to, but you don't have to live with the consequences. The kindest thing you can do for your children is shield them from the consequences of his drinking.

If you can't see this process through by yourself, it's time to seek counseling and/or al-anon to give you the vision you need to take those first steps.

jarp

What am I going to do?

I've seen a lawyer a couple of months ago who advised me about what I should collect in way of evidence to ensure he doesn't get unsupervised access. I have gathered that info.

I have opened my own bank account and put aside money.

I have gathered all important documents and stored them offsite.

I've contacted the bank and they've agreed to a move to a interest only loan, for up to 5 years.

I have changed jobs so I no longer work with him, which prevents me from covering for him at work, and stops me from knowing what he is getting up to.

I have opened up to his family who know he is an alcoholic, and they have offered support. That support includes offering to be witnesses in regards to any custody issue.

This morning I rang my mum and told her what has been going on and asked for help, which she willingly offered to give.

I've told 2 friends to keep me accountable.

This weekend, I have the conversation....