searching peace

My AH was arrested Wednesday night for domestic violence and harassment. The day before my daughters graduation. I went down and signed the papers at the police headquarter. And then the next day I went and asked for an order of protection on the advice of the magistrate. The judge granted it.
My AH left and drove two states over to visit his kids for the weekend. Broke bail and the order by doing so. He has called and sent me text messages. Again violating the order. He tested positive in an alcohol/drug test at work almost two years ago and has been in and out of inpatient and outpatient rehab ordered by his job until about a month ago when they said he had satisfied their requirements. Little does his job know he has drank the entire time except when he was in inpatient rehab.
My question is this, he is telling me he has stopped drinking now and that he will go to domestic violence classes and give 110% honestly to change. He wants to know if I w

ladyscribbler

My ex said a lot of the same things, but it turned out to be a bunch of lies. I don't even need you to finish your post to know what he said. He painted a pretty picture- the exact picture you hold in your head where everything is perfect and he's sober and he'll never lay another hand on you again because it was the booze making him do it and now that he's sober it'll never happen again.
Let the police know about him violating the op. This man is dangerous and will become more so, especially now that he feels that control he needs slipping away. DV isn't ever about love, it's about power and control. If he can't control you with his lies and promises, he may get drastic. Protect yourself. Hugs and strength. Keep posting and read those stickies at the top of the page.

Mango blast

Maybe these two threads can be merged? (double post)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-help-dv.html

searching, how are you doing today?

searching peace

Thank you. I tried to delete this one. Not sure how I managed to post twice.
I'm ok for the moment.

suki44883

Perhaps call the local police and explain about the Protective Order and see if they can send an officer to the house while your husband gets his things. If they cannot do that, then PLEASE do not allow him to come to the house. You will be breaking the Judge's Order and it will become null and void and then there will be nothing you can do to stop him from coming to the house.

searching peace

Suki, because I responded to his emails does that make the order null and void?

pixilation

Please read the book "why does he do that" by LUndy Bancroft. TALK to your local DV hotline, and absolutely NO CONTACT.

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, if OK, Searching. If he was truly ready to make a change in his behavior, he'd respect the protection order and not contact you.

I wanted so much to believe that AXH was abusive because of his drinking, but it wasn't true. In fact, during the brief periods he stopped drinking, his abuse got worse.

I'd second Pixilation's book recommendation.

amy55

I read of combo of this thread, so don't know if I am posting to the right one, where you said he cancelled your credit card.

So he will do whatever you want, blah, blah, blah. He cancelled your credit card, you think you have no access to bank accounts. You are financially strapped, but here comes your savior !!!!!!!!! If you let him violate the RO, he will bring you money. huh??????

You are questioning if this could or might be his rock bottom. Please read the above again. Can he be a loving and kind person? He stopped your access to any money. He is now using financial abuse.

I really do feel for you. If what I said above sounds harsh, it wasn't meant to be. It was kinda to just point out the contradictions in his actions and his words.

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))and here for you.

hopeful4

They always say just what you want to hear, but take a hard look at his actions. He has violated the NC order, and if you speak or text w/him, so have you.

Please stay safe. His actions don't speak kindness and love for you. They show bullying and someone trying to manipulate their way back in.

searching peace

Amy55, No you are not too harsh at all. It is what I need to hear. I am having such a difficult time with this. I am awful about allowing anyone to treat me anyway they want and not standing up for myself. But, if someone mistreats my children or one of my friends or even a stranger in my presence, I stand up for what is right every time.

AH mother called today. She was abused by AH's father. and I have told her about the abuse for seven years. They also have alcoholism on both sides of their families. But she left a message saying she knew I wouldn't answer the phone and she was very aware of what was going on down here. and she said she had sent my AH a package for his birthday and wanted to make sure I got it to him on his Birthday. Which is Thursday. I was so upset after I heard her message. Here is someone that has lived through it, divorced because of it and then wants to put me in that situation as if I created this mess!

ladyscribbler

My ex's mom came down on his side, even though she herself had lived with alcoholic dv in her marriage before her husband got sober. She blamed me for everything, which blew my mind, because she had at least some idea of what my kids and I were going through.
Don't expect support from his family,even if some of them have seemed to be on your side in the past.
On the practical side, maybe call the post office and explain to them about the po. They might be able to hold his mail there so he can pick it up and you do not need to have contact with him or his enabling family.
Hugs. You're not alone. Lots of us have been in your shoes. Stay strong and keep posting.

searching peace

Thank you Ladyscribbler! I did tell the postman to send the package back to sender. I cannot contact him to let him know his mail is at the post office. I'm hoping that know the attorney has time to engage and move forward he will be able to get his mail to him.
I hate that about his family. But I'm sure you are right. I'm so sorry you had to experience this as well. It's just awful and no one should have to go through these things.

amy55

I am really sorry that you are going through this. Sometimes I have to disagree with the "mother-in-law" thing, but sometimes not. I know all of that, that "blood is thicker then water stuff".

I'm not like that. I told my son when he was about 20, that if his wife or girlfriend ever called me, do you know who I would believe and whose side I would be on"?

I love my son, I will always love my son, but I also know that he has a "dark side". I would still want him to get packages or mail, I really don't want a disconnect, but I know whose back I would watch. It wouldn't be his.

By saying that, I am not saying to trust your mom-in law, just saying that she lived through what you are going through. She may or may not be a good contact person, because even in my case, I would still have my son closer to my heart.

Do not look in that direction. Do what you feel is right for you. Go to alanon, get support for yourself, that is what I would tell my daughter-in-law."

You are your own person, don't ever let anyone take that away from you.

ladyscribbler

I have two sons. That would be a terrible dilemma for any mother. I think the safety of my grandchildren would trump everything else though, and the kids and I weren't safe in that house. Once my ex blacked out and got good and angry, he didn't care about anything but letting his rage loose.
And I certainly wouldn't bail one of my sons out of jail and drop him off at home still drunk to continue his rampage from the night before.

searching peace

Oh my! I am so sorry. If I read correctly Ladyscribbler, your mother in law bailed your AH out if jail and dropped him back at your house? That is horrible. My children are from my first marriage. But I don't care who it was, I would never put a woman or children in danger like that. Who knows what she was thinking to do that. I think in my AH's case, his family wants to deny any of this. Otherwise they would have to look at the source in which he became this way.

hopeful4

Lesson #1, i found this very quickly. No matter how close you are with your in laws, they will stick by their blood. It hurts bc they intimately know what you have went through. Its something ill never forget.

Im so sorry you are going through this. Stay safe!!! xxx

ladyscribbler

She did that a couple of times. She's not a bad person, just suffering from ocean floor deep denial. She thinks that he can somehow go back to being a functioning alcoholic so that she can "handle him" the way she used to be able to do before he got totally out of control.
She also truly believes that she made her husband get sober and thinks that her son's alcoholism is some kind of failure on my part because I couldn't do the same for him.
I sent her some Alanon literature with her Mother's Day card this year.

noinsanity2423

One of the crazy things I saw once I got out of a toxic relationship like that is that the alcohlism, abuse, etc is a family disease. The enablers are just as sick as the alcoholics. I saw it with my ex fiancé's family. They live in denial and take care of the alcoholic, so they can continue in their addiction. The family is unable to connect to anything outside of their own hurt, which is why his mother showed no concern for you by asking you to give him his birthday present. The denial they live in is part of the insanity.

My examples from my ex fiancé's mother:

"Why don't you want to talk to her?" <--- After I gave her mom proof of her daughter's drug habit, called off the engagement, and explained to her in person how her daughter left me in a financial mess.
"My daughter is a good girl. You knew she was sick." <-- The contradictions just kill me sometimes. Again, despite the proof I gave her mother of her daughter's drug habit. Her daughter was this way before, too.
"Godly people don't do what he did. They don't just walk away." <--- Again, making accusations to deflect attention from the real problem. She said this after I made it clear I wasn't going to come back until her daughter got help. She said this after reading the four page letter that I gave her, describing exactly how her daughter really was. Her idea was that I would stick around to "help" her daughter, but the insanity was expecting that I would fix her despite evidence pointing that I literally did nothing to change her, even with my best efforts.

Eventually, I realized that it's all a family sickness. The family enables it. I had to stop talking to all of her relatives, even the ones that I initially thought were safe.

I hope this post helps you.