Need advice for help with a and dv
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
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Need advice for help with a and dv
My AH was arrested Wednesday night for domestic violence and harassment. The day before my daughters graduation. I went down and signed the papers at the police headquarter. And then the next day I went and asked for an order of protection on the advice of the magistrate. The judge granted it.
My AH left and drove two states over to visit his kids for the weekend. Broke bail and the order by doing so. He has called and sent me text messages. Again violating the order. He tested positive in an alcohol/drug test at work almost two years ago and has been in and out of inpatient and outpatient rehab ordered by his job until about a month ago when they said he had satisfied their requirements. Little does his job know he has drank the entire time except when he was in inpatient rehab.
My question is this, he is telling me he has stopped drinking now and that he will go to domestic violence classes and give 110% honestly to change. He wants to know if I will give him another chance. He has abused me physically, mentally and emotionally the entire 7 years we have been together. Does anyone think this arrest and order of protection has scared him to change? When he got out of jail he was so angry and said I had destroyed his life quack quack quack. I just said no his actions had destroyed his life. I am stronger than I have been in the past. But I am also scared. I'm scared of him. I'm scared he is saying whatever he thinks I want to hear just so I will drop the charges. I would appreciate any and all advice! I am too close to the situation to think clearly.
My AH left and drove two states over to visit his kids for the weekend. Broke bail and the order by doing so. He has called and sent me text messages. Again violating the order. He tested positive in an alcohol/drug test at work almost two years ago and has been in and out of inpatient and outpatient rehab ordered by his job until about a month ago when they said he had satisfied their requirements. Little does his job know he has drank the entire time except when he was in inpatient rehab.
My question is this, he is telling me he has stopped drinking now and that he will go to domestic violence classes and give 110% honestly to change. He wants to know if I will give him another chance. He has abused me physically, mentally and emotionally the entire 7 years we have been together. Does anyone think this arrest and order of protection has scared him to change? When he got out of jail he was so angry and said I had destroyed his life quack quack quack. I just said no his actions had destroyed his life. I am stronger than I have been in the past. But I am also scared. I'm scared of him. I'm scared he is saying whatever he thinks I want to hear just so I will drop the charges. I would appreciate any and all advice! I am too close to the situation to think clearly.
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I am so sorry for your hurt and pain. IMO, an arrest won't change a thing. But with the very slim chance, he is serious, let him prove it to himself first, a safe distance from you. Going no contact will give you the clarity you need right now. Have you considered seeing a therapist as well?
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I am going to call the advocate that helped me with the order on Tuesday after the holiday. But my AH stopped my credit card and I do not have access to any accounts. I do not have a job and have no way to pay for gas, or food etc. I have three children (not AH's) and receive a tiny bit of child support. I went on a job interview on Saturday and will find out end of this next week. But until I get some income, I cannot afford therapy. But I'm hoping the advocate will be able to direct me to free therapy.
Except when I was in the court house the advocate and two supervisors told me that the judge signed the order stating AH had to stay away from me but not my kids and he coils come back to the house. I lost it. I asked if I could see the judge and they said no. I didn't understand why the judge would allow him to remain in the house where there are guns etc. I went to an atty on Friday and he told me the judge did sign the entire protective order keeping AH away from me and my children and away from residence. So I looked and read the order with a clear head and the at tourney was right. So why would three dv advocates in the court house tell me something that wasn't true? It really bothers me and concerns me for their capabilities to help me.
Except when I was in the court house the advocate and two supervisors told me that the judge signed the order stating AH had to stay away from me but not my kids and he coils come back to the house. I lost it. I asked if I could see the judge and they said no. I didn't understand why the judge would allow him to remain in the house where there are guns etc. I went to an atty on Friday and he told me the judge did sign the entire protective order keeping AH away from me and my children and away from residence. So I looked and read the order with a clear head and the at tourney was right. So why would three dv advocates in the court house tell me something that wasn't true? It really bothers me and concerns me for their capabilities to help me.
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Originally Posted by searching peace 
I'm scared of him. I'm scared he is saying whatever he thinks I want to hear just so I will drop the charges.
If he drank during rehab, which was the best possible time and place for him to actually stop drinking, I really doubt he can/will stop.
I think you reached your breaking point, and that's why you called the police. You took a stand and said "I will no longer tolerate this behavior". So I think you already have the answer you need. It's time to leave him. Seven years is far too long to put up with his hurtful actions and words, and he has had his chances to change and did not seize them. You gave it your best shot, and he has failed, not you.
Please take care of yourself, stay safe and surround yourself with those that understand.
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I don't know but that is very concerning.
Your husband is still trying to control with you with financial fear. He will try every trick in the book, stay strong. He has not changed. Change is very hard. I have been working hard to change myself for over 2 years and still have a long way to go. I wish it happened over night but it just doesn't.
Please do not respond to his attempts to contact you. You could be violating the PO as well.
Your husband is still trying to control with you with financial fear. He will try every trick in the book, stay strong. He has not changed. Change is very hard. I have been working hard to change myself for over 2 years and still have a long way to go. I wish it happened over night but it just doesn't.
Please do not respond to his attempts to contact you. You could be violating the PO as well.
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Thank you Miss Beth. I think I know that in my heart but needed to hear someone reassure me. It seems weird to say I love him. Because I love what I thought he was not who he is and has been. I know if he ever did change I would welcome him with open arms. But your right, he has had chances and not done it. Thank you!!!
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searchingpeace---it is a predictable part of the cycle of violence that there is a period of expressions of remorse and grand promises that it will never happen again. Then, that is followed by a period of better behavior--sometimes called the honeymoon period. but, gradually the tension is building again--followed by another episode of violence...and this cycle repeats itself over and over. The thing is---that the abuse escalates in intensity over time...getting worse each time. The overall effect on the victim of the abuse is to wear them down...cause them to doubt themselves, destroy their self-esteem and self confidence. Sometimes, they even believe that it is their "fault"---or sometimes they just become rater numb, inside, and find it impossible to m ake decisions or to take action on their own behalf---often feeling very confused and unable to "think straight"
Actions speak louder than words--words are cheap. Alcoholics will often make promises that they are unable to keep. They are in denial of their disease--in denial that the alcphol is controlling their lives. They are lying to themselves---so, it is impossible for them to make a promise to you when they can't even trust themselves!!
You are able to admit that you are afraid. Trust yourself on this--I am sure that you could never say this without good reason. Safety and protecting yourself should absolutely come first. This is what an order of protection is for. Of course, he is not going to like it. You can expect that.
If you were to backtrack, now---you can expect that the recent past will be repeated--only worse.
You can get lots of help through the court system and the local domestic violence center. You will get lots of understanding and support here. You can get past through this--like so many others who have been in your exact same shoes.
You have options and you are not alone!!
dandylion
Actions speak louder than words--words are cheap. Alcoholics will often make promises that they are unable to keep. They are in denial of their disease--in denial that the alcphol is controlling their lives. They are lying to themselves---so, it is impossible for them to make a promise to you when they can't even trust themselves!!
You are able to admit that you are afraid. Trust yourself on this--I am sure that you could never say this without good reason. Safety and protecting yourself should absolutely come first. This is what an order of protection is for. Of course, he is not going to like it. You can expect that.
If you were to backtrack, now---you can expect that the recent past will be repeated--only worse.
You can get lots of help through the court system and the local domestic violence center. You will get lots of understanding and support here. You can get past through this--like so many others who have been in your exact same shoes.
You have options and you are not alone!!
dandylion
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Hello searching peace,
I'm so sorry to hear about all that has happened. When you have a moment, there is a wealth of practical information here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Wishing you strength and courage in the days ahead. Please come here and talk this out as much as you need!
I'm so sorry to hear about all that has happened. When you have a moment, there is a wealth of practical information here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Wishing you strength and courage in the days ahead. Please come here and talk this out as much as you need!
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Also, please don't blame his abuse on alcohol. He abuses because he is abusive. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. The two are very separate issues that both need to be addressed. He has to want and need to change for himself!! If love could save our addicts/alcoholics, none of us would be here.
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
He has to want and need to change for himself!! If love could save our addicts/alcoholics, none of us would be here.
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Seren,
Thank you for that link. I will go and read that information thoroughly. My mind is spinning still, so the more things I have in black and white that I can read and reread is a huge help to me. Especially because I don't have the resources to be able to call and ask an attorney every time I have a question. Plus the horrible misinformation that the advocate and her two supervisors gave to me really could have put me and my children in real danger. The least of which, I spent 24 hours distraught and out of my home because of that misinformation. So thank you!!!
Thank you for that link. I will go and read that information thoroughly. My mind is spinning still, so the more things I have in black and white that I can read and reread is a huge help to me. Especially because I don't have the resources to be able to call and ask an attorney every time I have a question. Plus the horrible misinformation that the advocate and her two supervisors gave to me really could have put me and my children in real danger. The least of which, I spent 24 hours distraught and out of my home because of that misinformation. So thank you!!!
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[QUOTE="dandylion;4673307" Actions speak louder than words--words are cheap. Alcoholics will often make promises that they are unable to keep. They are in denial of their disease--in denial that the alcphol is controlling their lives. They are lying to themselves---so, it is impossible for them to make a promise to you when they can't even trust themselves!! dandylion[/QUOTE]
You are so right! I cannot count the number of times I have said this to myself and to him about actions speaking louder than words. I always tell him his actions scream!
I have read about the phases of abuse. But my AH doesn't do them. He very rarely apologizes for his actions. That is why him saying what he said in his text and voicemail is so uncharacteristic. But, I fear he may just be saying these things to get me to drop the charges. I think his father (also an abuser and A) probably told him to do and say whatever it took to get me to do what he wants. His father paid the police to arrest his mom on a DUI the week before they were supposed to go to divorce court. She had to spend the night in jail. But when she told her lawyer what happened he had all the charges dropped. His dad did some horrible things to his mom and to the kids growing up. And my AH calls his dad and takes his advice on things frequently.
You are so right! I cannot count the number of times I have said this to myself and to him about actions speaking louder than words. I always tell him his actions scream!
I have read about the phases of abuse. But my AH doesn't do them. He very rarely apologizes for his actions. That is why him saying what he said in his text and voicemail is so uncharacteristic. But, I fear he may just be saying these things to get me to drop the charges. I think his father (also an abuser and A) probably told him to do and say whatever it took to get me to do what he wants. His father paid the police to arrest his mom on a DUI the week before they were supposed to go to divorce court. She had to spend the night in jail. But when she told her lawyer what happened he had all the charges dropped. His dad did some horrible things to his mom and to the kids growing up. And my AH calls his dad and takes his advice on things frequently.
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Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ty-prayer.html
Calling my local domestic violence center for help was very important to me. In my case it was emotional abuse. Any kind of abuse is wrong and there is help and support for us from people who understand. They may have one-on-one counseling available and often group counseling. It's a safe place to call or go to. Picking up the phone and calling them, and walking into their center are the hardest steps, but so worthwhile. Building a support system is critical to our recovery. Baby steps. One day at a time. (((hugs)))
The national number is 800-799-7233.
www.thehotline.org
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ty-prayer.html
Calling my local domestic violence center for help was very important to me. In my case it was emotional abuse. Any kind of abuse is wrong and there is help and support for us from people who understand. They may have one-on-one counseling available and often group counseling. It's a safe place to call or go to. Picking up the phone and calling them, and walking into their center are the hardest steps, but so worthwhile. Building a support system is critical to our recovery. Baby steps. One day at a time. (((hugs)))
The national number is 800-799-7233.
www.thehotline.org
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My AH has been calling, emailing and texting all day. I did respond by email thinking that would be the safest. Did I violate the order by doing so? He wants to come by today and get his things and "give me money"? Out A/C just went out and I don't have a way to pay for the service call.
I don't want him here. But I don't want to be ugly and not let him get his things. I'm going to call that hotline and ask them what I should do, I guess.
I don't want him here. But I don't want to be ugly and not let him get his things. I'm going to call that hotline and ask them what I should do, I guess.
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Perhaps call the local police and explain about the Protective Order and see if they can send an officer to the house while your husband gets his things. If they cannot do that, then PLEASE do not allow him to come to the house. You will be breaking the Judge's Order and it will become null and void and then there will be nothing you can do to stop him from coming to the house.
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Did I make the order null and void by responding to his emails????
The attorney I went to on Friday told me to try and talk to him to get the money thing worked out and try and get through to him about the other things. I don't think this attorney understands about DV. Because he said we should go to counseling. Which I have read when one person in the marriage is abusive counseling doesn't work.
I keep getting wrong information and don't know what to do. Me researching all of this is taking over my life and I need to be with my kids. Why when someone else does something bad it is the person that they do it to that suffers more than the initial offense???
The attorney I went to on Friday told me to try and talk to him to get the money thing worked out and try and get through to him about the other things. I don't think this attorney understands about DV. Because he said we should go to counseling. Which I have read when one person in the marriage is abusive counseling doesn't work.
I keep getting wrong information and don't know what to do. Me researching all of this is taking over my life and I need to be with my kids. Why when someone else does something bad it is the person that they do it to that suffers more than the initial offense???
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