so angry
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 15
so angry
I'm so angry and I don't know where to start. My ex-husband family has completely disowned my daughter, but without saying it. My husband and I broke up last summer due to his cocaine use. As I stated in a previous post we were together for years and in 2010 he began taking cocaine and turned our lives upside down. We split for a while and he finally cleaned his self up, but did it on his own and never wanted any help. It did not last and although I never saw him take anything his old behaviors were back. Finally one day I just could not take it anymore. I go so tired of the verbal abuse and I throw him out. After a few months of us not being together he met someone and they moved in together. I later found out from a good friend of his not only is he taking it, but selling it as well. His friend just wanted to let me know that he's sorry for what happen and to wish me well. He said he tried speaking with my ex and let him know he's making a big mistake, but of course he did not want to hear it. His friend told me his new girlfriend knows he's selling and rides around with him while he does it. He also wanted me to know that he's cutting off all contact with my ex because he did not want anyone around him like that. So as time went by my ex completely cut my daughter and I out of his life. My daughter was so upset one day of how her father was treating her she thought she could talk to her grandmother. That was a big mistake ever since then her grandmother stopped speaking to her. My daughter is no longer invited to any family gatherings. Just today she saw a picture of all of them having a picnic and no one invited her. It so obvious, she was always invited to everything before and now nothing. How could they treat my daughter this way. How could they exclude one grandchild. I feel like crying. I have to watch my daughter hurt. I can understand her dad acting like this because he's on drugs, but her grandmother and other relatives should be there to comfort her. My ex's mother is aware of her son drug use and selling drugs, but she wants to live in a fantasy world. She wants to pretend like there world is perfect. I believe she's afraid my daughter is going to say something so she does not want her around. This whole situation is so disgusting. I'm lost because you can't force people to associate with you. My daughter is a teen now, so she see's things for what they are. Should I just tell my daughter to stop trying reaching out to them? It's just so sad because the rest of her cousins are all together and now she can only look at the photos.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Your ex's mother is displaying normal avoidance behavior.Weaker individuals
NEED their world to be perfect, because they know deep in their heart that they
do not have sufficient reserves for damage tolerance.
As far as cutting your daughter out----it is part and parcel of avoidance.
" I can pretend I still have the perfect family, and I will invite noone into my
inner circle that has any possibility of overturning the apple cart with those
horrific, unpleasant, and wholly unseemly things".....(known as facts).
The only people I am sorry for in this world are those with a substantially reduced
tolerance for damage control & recovery........that is one skillset the lack
of which spells doom more clearly than any other.Back to my favorite RAF
slogan.....agile/adaptable/capable.
People whose personal inventory include none of those 3 are going to find life
a difficult assignment indeed. You might be too angry to feel sorrow for her--- but
I don't know her, and I do.
NEED their world to be perfect, because they know deep in their heart that they
do not have sufficient reserves for damage tolerance.
As far as cutting your daughter out----it is part and parcel of avoidance.
" I can pretend I still have the perfect family, and I will invite noone into my
inner circle that has any possibility of overturning the apple cart with those
horrific, unpleasant, and wholly unseemly things".....(known as facts).
The only people I am sorry for in this world are those with a substantially reduced
tolerance for damage control & recovery........that is one skillset the lack
of which spells doom more clearly than any other.Back to my favorite RAF
slogan.....agile/adaptable/capable.
People whose personal inventory include none of those 3 are going to find life
a difficult assignment indeed. You might be too angry to feel sorrow for her--- but
I don't know her, and I do.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm sorry, Hope, it hurts to watch our children hurt. His world is a dark one, you can be sure he is no longer having fun with it. It's a sick world and there is a hidden blessing that your daughter is not part of it.
That doesn't make it hurt any less, her father is an addict, that's the saddest part of all.
Maybe make special plans with her yourself, and with your family if they are any place near you. You can start new traditions that are happy and healhty and where there is not the dysfunction or chaos of addiction anywhere in sight.
Big hugs to you, you have a full plate taking care of yourself and your daughter. It's still a happier place when addiction no longer lives in your home.
Hugs
That doesn't make it hurt any less, her father is an addict, that's the saddest part of all.
Maybe make special plans with her yourself, and with your family if they are any place near you. You can start new traditions that are happy and healhty and where there is not the dysfunction or chaos of addiction anywhere in sight.
Big hugs to you, you have a full plate taking care of yourself and your daughter. It's still a happier place when addiction no longer lives in your home.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I am sorry that your daughter is getting this treatment.
sounds like her dad isn't safe for her to be around anyway. And her grandmother does not seem to have much to offer her either. I am just sorry that it hurts her.
I am glad she has you, and that you talk with her about these things. Is there an Al-ateen meeting in your area?
Its really sad when a child realizes how little a parent is able to be there for her. My kids are grown now, but they had to go through learning what a piece of crap their dad is. I let them learn that one, on their own, as I knew that with time they would see it for themselves. I didn't have to be badmouthing him, as much as I wanted to sometimes.
I hope things get better. Sounds like her dad may end up in jail , and then how will grandma pretend that things are fine and dandy?
sounds like her dad isn't safe for her to be around anyway. And her grandmother does not seem to have much to offer her either. I am just sorry that it hurts her.
I am glad she has you, and that you talk with her about these things. Is there an Al-ateen meeting in your area?
Its really sad when a child realizes how little a parent is able to be there for her. My kids are grown now, but they had to go through learning what a piece of crap their dad is. I let them learn that one, on their own, as I knew that with time they would see it for themselves. I didn't have to be badmouthing him, as much as I wanted to sometimes.
I hope things get better. Sounds like her dad may end up in jail , and then how will grandma pretend that things are fine and dandy?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 15
Thank you Vale, Ann, and Chicory for your responses. Your words mean a lot me. I've been trying to be strong and cool tempered, but seeing my daughter hurt really got to me. When the grandmother started being distant at first I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but as time went by it was very apparent of what was going on. Over the last few months there have been several gatherings and photos posted after the fact. My daughter would call to see why know no one invited her, but either her grandmother would not pick up or would make every excuse in the book. I've tried speaking to her as well and in the middle of the conversation I got hold on for a moment someone's beeping through and then of course the phone hung up. I tried calling back and she would never pickup. I've never had a harsh would with this woman, but I did tell her the truth about her son. I loved her son very much and truthfully speaking I still love him, but I know us being apart is for the better. I guess to her it would have been better if we kept up things for the looks. I know I would have been a fool because by the route he's taken eventually he may get arrested and I may have been arrested right along with him and our daughter would have been taken away.
So Vale your right I do feel sorry for her and I know at this point she has nothing more to offer to my daughter. I've ask my daughter to set her page were she can no longer view their post. I know that's a small step and we have a lot of healing to do, but a least this won't be like a slap in the face each time she logs into her page.
Chicory, I've mentioned Al-ateen to my daughter before but she found comfort in a small teen group at church. I did not want to push it because she's been through so much already, but I do think she should at least try it so I will talk to her about it again.
Ann I have a small amount of family here, so mostly all holidays were celebrated with his side but I will definitely will start new traditions.
So Vale your right I do feel sorry for her and I know at this point she has nothing more to offer to my daughter. I've ask my daughter to set her page were she can no longer view their post. I know that's a small step and we have a lot of healing to do, but a least this won't be like a slap in the face each time she logs into her page.
Chicory, I've mentioned Al-ateen to my daughter before but she found comfort in a small teen group at church. I did not want to push it because she's been through so much already, but I do think she should at least try it so I will talk to her about it again.
Ann I have a small amount of family here, so mostly all holidays were celebrated with his side but I will definitely will start new traditions.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Hope you are right she has nothing more to offer your daughter.
Nothing hurts like the rejection of the people you love. However, there are times when this is healthier to stay away from the ones that are rejecting us.
Your daughter is learning about the hard knocks of life...all to soon but I have felt those hard-knocks have served me well into my adulthood. I learned about a person's behaviors (bad ones included); how to not take things so personally; to cope when things are tough; and to be gratiful with what I do have.
This tough childhood, of mine, has given me strength into the land of adulthood. It still is difficult but I walk through it.
I pray that you daughter will learn these lessons of strength, even though she doesn't feel it now!
Nothing hurts like the rejection of the people you love. However, there are times when this is healthier to stay away from the ones that are rejecting us.
Your daughter is learning about the hard knocks of life...all to soon but I have felt those hard-knocks have served me well into my adulthood. I learned about a person's behaviors (bad ones included); how to not take things so personally; to cope when things are tough; and to be gratiful with what I do have.
This tough childhood, of mine, has given me strength into the land of adulthood. It still is difficult but I walk through it.
I pray that you daughter will learn these lessons of strength, even though she doesn't feel it now!
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Hope33,
I'll tell you a little tale that I have told few.When I was eight (1968) I
went to a birthday party for a gal named Debbie. Debby was a tomboy
and loved hot wheels cars.Debby & Greg & I were an inseparable pack,
we went and did everything together. So when here birthday rolled around
I did what best pals did......I got her that copper thunderbird that was TO
DIE FOR......and traded half my hot wheels stock for.
What failed to enter into my calculations was Debbie's Mom, always a
cipher-----if not downright weird. I made it a point to never be around her
alone......obvious even with an 8 yr old's limited power of intuition.
MY family lived close by, but in a slightly less tony development
(I'm not talking Park Place vs. Mediterranean Ave........but rather homes 10%
or so less). To a hyper class conscious lady with a screw loose.....it was enough.
I was informed by the Mom, directly and in front of everyone-----that I
hadn't been invited to this birthday party....and to take my present back.
The caused consternation on several levels. First and foremost, Debby
REALLY, REALLY wanted the Thunderbird.....and was pissed. Second, every
kid that Greg & Deb & I LOATHED ( but lived in the correct neighborhood)
was there........the whole thing had the air of a cotillion for Deb's Mom, she was
that bad of an attention hog! That NONE of the neighborhood wives trusted her
around their husbands was a tenet without exception----it had to be to be even
obvious to the kids.
My takeaway from the event,initially, was the expected.....Why would she take
the time & effort to hurt me so.......a damned 8 yr old kid? What was wrong with me?
But it didn't take too great a leap of logic to figure out there was nothing wrong with
me......except crossing paths with a lady who evidently got dropped on her head
one too many times in the critical first 5 years.
It's what breaks my heart (and pisses me off)coming here.So many good,
hard working, loving, and decent people coming here to ask ....
"Why is this happening....what did I /we do wrong??"
YOU DIDN'T DO GODDAMNED ANYTHING WRONG!!!!
(you just crossed paths with a misfiring neural net that may or may not be
repairable----but either way, it's not your fault.....
(chime in with me here,gang!)
"I didn't cause it,I can't control it, and I can't cure it."
(Yeah, Deb got her Thunderbird despite all the BS!)
I'll tell you a little tale that I have told few.When I was eight (1968) I
went to a birthday party for a gal named Debbie. Debby was a tomboy
and loved hot wheels cars.Debby & Greg & I were an inseparable pack,
we went and did everything together. So when here birthday rolled around
I did what best pals did......I got her that copper thunderbird that was TO
DIE FOR......and traded half my hot wheels stock for.
What failed to enter into my calculations was Debbie's Mom, always a
cipher-----if not downright weird. I made it a point to never be around her
alone......obvious even with an 8 yr old's limited power of intuition.
MY family lived close by, but in a slightly less tony development
(I'm not talking Park Place vs. Mediterranean Ave........but rather homes 10%
or so less). To a hyper class conscious lady with a screw loose.....it was enough.
I was informed by the Mom, directly and in front of everyone-----that I
hadn't been invited to this birthday party....and to take my present back.
The caused consternation on several levels. First and foremost, Debby
REALLY, REALLY wanted the Thunderbird.....and was pissed. Second, every
kid that Greg & Deb & I LOATHED ( but lived in the correct neighborhood)
was there........the whole thing had the air of a cotillion for Deb's Mom, she was
that bad of an attention hog! That NONE of the neighborhood wives trusted her
around their husbands was a tenet without exception----it had to be to be even
obvious to the kids.
My takeaway from the event,initially, was the expected.....Why would she take
the time & effort to hurt me so.......a damned 8 yr old kid? What was wrong with me?
But it didn't take too great a leap of logic to figure out there was nothing wrong with
me......except crossing paths with a lady who evidently got dropped on her head
one too many times in the critical first 5 years.
It's what breaks my heart (and pisses me off)coming here.So many good,
hard working, loving, and decent people coming here to ask ....
"Why is this happening....what did I /we do wrong??"
YOU DIDN'T DO GODDAMNED ANYTHING WRONG!!!!
(you just crossed paths with a misfiring neural net that may or may not be
repairable----but either way, it's not your fault.....
(chime in with me here,gang!)
"I didn't cause it,I can't control it, and I can't cure it."
(Yeah, Deb got her Thunderbird despite all the BS!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 15
Thank you Txhelp and Vale. You know I have been so hurt, but I've managed to find peace as time has gone by. This weekend I allowed them to disturb my peace and I have to find a way to get it back. These people are going to believe what they want to and there's nothing my daughter and I can do about it. They have tried to place the blame on our side. They have tried make this an issue about my daughter and I being mad because her father has a girlfriend. No one wants to see how her dad has neglected her both emotionally and monetarily. How he has left her stranded, cursed her out, or never shows up to any of her events. Of course I was devastated at how fast her father moved on. We were together for almost 16 years and it's just now going to be a year since we have split. With in that short amount of time he's managed to get an apartment with this woman and is driving her car. I'm assuming she's signing for everything because his credit is shot and he does not have a job. I was hurting so bad that I would cry every evening for while, but I never tried to sabotage my daughters relationship with her dad he did it on his own. And as far as me keeping her away from his family there's no truth to that as well. I actually felt if she was going to spend time with her dad the best place was at her grandmothers house because I did not want my daughter alone with him or any of his new friends, which are all addicts. The day I threw my husband out I knew I was going to be hurt, but I was not going to chase him any more. The last few months living with him were unbearable. He would be nice one moment and then going off the next. I never knew what to say, I just felt like I could not breath. I had to finally realize the man I knew was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. The way his mother has turned on my daughter and I really surprised me. I knew she was superficial, but never thought she would turn her grandchild away. I know I was a good wife and my daughter is a good child. She's growing up, so things can not be sugar coated to her any more. There was no more pretending like dad is working or the fact he would stay out all night and sleep all day. I tried asking him to get help many times, but he refuse and of course they will only get help when they are truly ready. I guess we no longer fit into the image the grandmother has built. I know now there's nothing we can do to change her either, so it's time for my daughter and I to find our own peace.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I would say to cut out the grandmother and dad. However, I am betting the cousins are sad she is not there too. Any chance you could set up some times with them to do things w/her? You can only be truthful with her, just like you are with us. Explain to her that her grandmother is deep into denial and because of that it is too much for her to be there.
I am certainly not excusing grandma, shame on her. I just think that when children are told the truth in an age appropriate way it can ease some of their confusion and issues. A couple of years ago a friend of ours committed suicide. Their family does not live here. We have adopted them in as our family with another mom and two kids. We have "family days" sometimes and have a lot of fun. We go to the creek or just cook and watch movies or whatever. It is not always a blood tie that binds a family. Make sure you surround your sweet girl with people who do love her and will put her before their own selfishness.
Tight hugs. You are going to make it and so will she!
I am certainly not excusing grandma, shame on her. I just think that when children are told the truth in an age appropriate way it can ease some of their confusion and issues. A couple of years ago a friend of ours committed suicide. Their family does not live here. We have adopted them in as our family with another mom and two kids. We have "family days" sometimes and have a lot of fun. We go to the creek or just cook and watch movies or whatever. It is not always a blood tie that binds a family. Make sure you surround your sweet girl with people who do love her and will put her before their own selfishness.
Tight hugs. You are going to make it and so will she!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
You can hurt me all you want, but don't hurt my kid!
I am so sorry that your child has to endure this. I would say maybe it is for the best. She doesn't need an addict in her life, and it sounds like his family does not know how to deal with addiction. Not sure how old she is, but if she is old enough I would get her some counseling.
What the addict doesn't realize is that their behavior affects so many. Everyone has a different way of working through the pain the addict serves them. Something somewhat similar happened to me, although my son was too young at the time to even understand. But, basically I was dismissed. I was resented. I was ignored. I was even told after being abandoned financially and emotionally and badly betrayed that they didn't think my X was on drugs. They not only invited him into their homes, but his coke addicted girlfriend whom he cheated on me with...who could careless about my son. They introduced her to my nieces and nephews. I was so incredibly hurt. So I had lost my husband and best friend, and now I was loosing the family I thought loved and supported me. I kept feeling so disrespected. Anyways, right or wrong, I made a choice. I did not want to have anything to do with anyone that was in denial and enabled my X. I also did not want anything to do with people who saw this awful coke girlfriend. Can you imagine if my nieces and nephews brought her up to my son? Basically, you either accepted that he was on drugs or see ya later. I wasn't going to have my son around people who I couldn't trust and didn't support me. He didn't and doesn't need conflicting information. So, there you go. PAINFUL! I cried many tears. I think you have to make boundries, and stick to them. What is best for you? What is best for the child? Who cares about everyone else, because at this time they aren't considering you. It isn't easy, and I am really sorry for the pain you and your daughter are feeling. When an addict gives up on their child, the pain is like no other. But, get the child the help she needs. Be the stable one. Hopefully one day she will not become an addict herself. Educate, love and protect her. Beause right now it is all about HER health.
I am so sorry that your child has to endure this. I would say maybe it is for the best. She doesn't need an addict in her life, and it sounds like his family does not know how to deal with addiction. Not sure how old she is, but if she is old enough I would get her some counseling.
What the addict doesn't realize is that their behavior affects so many. Everyone has a different way of working through the pain the addict serves them. Something somewhat similar happened to me, although my son was too young at the time to even understand. But, basically I was dismissed. I was resented. I was ignored. I was even told after being abandoned financially and emotionally and badly betrayed that they didn't think my X was on drugs. They not only invited him into their homes, but his coke addicted girlfriend whom he cheated on me with...who could careless about my son. They introduced her to my nieces and nephews. I was so incredibly hurt. So I had lost my husband and best friend, and now I was loosing the family I thought loved and supported me. I kept feeling so disrespected. Anyways, right or wrong, I made a choice. I did not want to have anything to do with anyone that was in denial and enabled my X. I also did not want anything to do with people who saw this awful coke girlfriend. Can you imagine if my nieces and nephews brought her up to my son? Basically, you either accepted that he was on drugs or see ya later. I wasn't going to have my son around people who I couldn't trust and didn't support me. He didn't and doesn't need conflicting information. So, there you go. PAINFUL! I cried many tears. I think you have to make boundries, and stick to them. What is best for you? What is best for the child? Who cares about everyone else, because at this time they aren't considering you. It isn't easy, and I am really sorry for the pain you and your daughter are feeling. When an addict gives up on their child, the pain is like no other. But, get the child the help she needs. Be the stable one. Hopefully one day she will not become an addict herself. Educate, love and protect her. Beause right now it is all about HER health.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 160
I hope that this can turn into the kind of experience that teaches your daughter resilience, self-reliance, how to get over rejection....
I'm not sure how to arrange things so it does that instead of leaving her depressed, insecure and trying to fill that void. Maybe talking frankly about it, and about how she can turn it into a lesson? She is at an age that can be super perceptive and wise in addition to the assumed teenage immaturity, and with a partner in the pursuit may be quite able to pull through.
I think that modelling how to deal is key to this. If you show her how YOU deal, then you are showing her coping mechanisms.
Also, people dont' need a zillion people or even two parents to fill their needs. If you are a reliable source of care, attention, support etc, that can totally be sufficient.
And if this was her friends rejecting her, you'd say, 'well they aren't really very good friends anyway' and why not think of this the same. despite how it may have previously felt, it seems that they are not really a good family to count on anyway, so maybe its healthier to be looking for a family of choice to replace the FOO.
I'm not sure how to arrange things so it does that instead of leaving her depressed, insecure and trying to fill that void. Maybe talking frankly about it, and about how she can turn it into a lesson? She is at an age that can be super perceptive and wise in addition to the assumed teenage immaturity, and with a partner in the pursuit may be quite able to pull through.
I think that modelling how to deal is key to this. If you show her how YOU deal, then you are showing her coping mechanisms.
Also, people dont' need a zillion people or even two parents to fill their needs. If you are a reliable source of care, attention, support etc, that can totally be sufficient.
And if this was her friends rejecting her, you'd say, 'well they aren't really very good friends anyway' and why not think of this the same. despite how it may have previously felt, it seems that they are not really a good family to count on anyway, so maybe its healthier to be looking for a family of choice to replace the FOO.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
So sorry for you but especially your daughter being made a pawn in all of this. I hope you do find a more peaceful drama free solution to help her understand it is not HER, that the family has some very deep issues. I wish you the very best and do not doubt your daughter, in the end, may be better for not being around people who are so cruel and ignorant to a child's feelings. What kind of grandmother does that????
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 15
Thank you all for responding to me, sorry it took me so long to post another reply. This whole situation was a real set back emotionally. I haven't felt like this in a while, the crying, dreams of my husband, and wondering if I could have done anything differently. My daughter spoke to both her grandmother and father on Wednesday. Her grandmother is still trying to spin this as she's upset because her father has a girlfriend. My daughter told her I am so tired of everyone saying that, this has nothing to do with his girlfriend. She said these problems have been happening long before he had a girlfriend. Then when she spoke to her father he was just plain nasty. Basically he told her it's her problem and she needs to get over it. Her father can get real mean when ever you try to confront him with issue's and he would rather tear his daughter down and make her feel guilty. He does not care if she's crying or not. After my daughter finished talking to him, she said it really hit her that this is not her father anymore.
Through all of this no one has given a real reason of why my daughter is being left out. Trust me it's obvious, no one has been calling, she has not been invited to the birthday parties, Easter dinner, memorial day picnic or anything else. Most gatherings take place at her grandmother mother's house because she has the big yard and pool, so her grandmother could get in touch with her or me if she really wanted to. I know what's happening when the family and friends come by, she wants to pretend like her son is working and doing well. Right now her son is driving the girls car and they have a place together. So to everyone she can say see he has a car and an apartment, but what she fails to mention, that these things really belong to his girlfriend and he's using and selling. She wants to pretend like our relationship did not work because of me and that I'm also upset that because he has a girlfriend. My Ex has been seeing this person since Feb and I never once tried to get in touch with her. I've been hurt, but I've been trying to work on myself and be there for my daughter. What really boggles my mind is that the grandmother know her son and girlfriend is using/selling, but had the audacity to tell my daughter they have a 2nd bedroom and she should spend a night with them sometimes. No telling what's going on in that apartment and they could get busted at any time. I'm just done and it's definitely time for my daughter and I to start healing. We can not be stuck is this cycle any more.
Through all of this no one has given a real reason of why my daughter is being left out. Trust me it's obvious, no one has been calling, she has not been invited to the birthday parties, Easter dinner, memorial day picnic or anything else. Most gatherings take place at her grandmother mother's house because she has the big yard and pool, so her grandmother could get in touch with her or me if she really wanted to. I know what's happening when the family and friends come by, she wants to pretend like her son is working and doing well. Right now her son is driving the girls car and they have a place together. So to everyone she can say see he has a car and an apartment, but what she fails to mention, that these things really belong to his girlfriend and he's using and selling. She wants to pretend like our relationship did not work because of me and that I'm also upset that because he has a girlfriend. My Ex has been seeing this person since Feb and I never once tried to get in touch with her. I've been hurt, but I've been trying to work on myself and be there for my daughter. What really boggles my mind is that the grandmother know her son and girlfriend is using/selling, but had the audacity to tell my daughter they have a 2nd bedroom and she should spend a night with them sometimes. No telling what's going on in that apartment and they could get busted at any time. I'm just done and it's definitely time for my daughter and I to start healing. We can not be stuck is this cycle any more.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Of course I was devastated at how fast her father moved on. We were together for almost 16 years and it's just now going to be a year since we have split.
If your daughter knows how you feel, and she probably does, she may very well be upset that her father has found someone new so soon. It's pretty normal for a child to be protective over their moms feelings. Not to mention, it must feel to her as if she is being replaced as well. He has let her down, etc, and to her, it may feel as if it is because he has someone else.... and maybe a lot of it is that.. aside from the fact that he is an addict, and he sounds like a thoughtless parent.
He may not deserve any benefit of the doubt, but to help her work through the rejection she may be feeling might ease her pain. Does she refuse to want to be around this woman? If so, and its easy to understand her feelings, maybe the family is making her seem unreasonable. What a bunch of insensitive people, to do that. Pretending everything is fine is not going to change reality... the truth will come out.
How sad, that he is not wise enough to see how hurtful his neglect is, especially now.
I hope that someday, they can have a relationship that is healthier. Its very painful when you are grieving over someone, even an addict husband, and they move on, seeming to be happy, etc... it usually ends up a disaster when its fake.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 15
Chicory, your right I am still hurt of how fast her father moved on, but I knew this would happen. I put him out because I could not take it anymore. I'm sure my daughter is not 100% happy with seeing her father with another women, but her hurt toward him is not rooted from that. This women is very new to the picture and my daughter has been saying this way before we even knew anything about her. Some of this is probably my fault because we split before because of his drug use and I took him back. I was very naive about his drug use at first. I knew something had changed, but I just did not know what. He hid it from me for a while. I would ask, but he would deny over and over again. It started with him staying out late and not helping out around this house. I noticed he kept constantly having a cold and I asked him if he was using. He tried to blame it on allergies. He said he was allergic to my perfume which I stopped using. Eventually he stopped going to work and just left all the bills on me. At this same time my daughter wondered why her dad was no longer in her life. When he was around he was very short tempered with her. He stopped going to her school events and just stopped having any interest in her at all. My daughter would cry. At the time she said he must have regretted having a girl and this was the reason he was treating her so badly. I assured her he loved her and her not being a boy was not the cause. When we split I begged him to get himself together, but it got worst. Finally one day he called me crying and said he could no longer take this and wanted to stop. He said he wanted to enjoy normal things again. He did stop and started being responsible again. He promised our daughter that things would be better. I let him move back in and he was trying for a while, but then it got bad again. As soon as he got his license back he started disappearing again. The mood swings started along with the horrible fights. It's been a lot and my daughter says she feels abandoned, but she's felt this way before he met this women and has voiced her feeling before. Her dad has not seen her in while. He doesn't even bother calling her. When ever they speak it's because she calls him. A couple of months ago she was rushed from school to the hospital because they thought she had appendicitis. It took him forever to show up. As soon as he walked in he said I won't be able to stay and she pleaded with him to stay, but he said you'll be alright and mom can call me if anything. There's whole list of things he has done and I'm not trying to make myself seem like a saint, but I do not talk to my daughter badly about her dad. We've been through a lot over the past few years including my dad passing away, so I'm tired. My daughter wants to be in her dads life badly, but right now he has no interest. My ex used to be a wonderful man, but cocaine has really destroyed him.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
This is so sad, Hope, I know your heart hurts for your daughter. I did not mean to imply that you spoke meanly about him to her, I hope I did not convey that. I only meant that when you hurt she hurts for you too.
He is a sick man. Maybe it would help your daughter to not feel so abandoned if she understood addiction. So she knows that the drugs make her father even more unavailable to her. If there is an Al-ateen nearby, she would probably get a lot of comfort from knowing that she is not the only teen going through this. I am not saying that he has an excuse here, because I don't think that he does, for not calling her, or doing things with her, or being there for her when she was in the hospital. That is really low, and selfish. Addict or not.
Maybe you can discuss addiction with her. or find some good books for younger people, so she can maybe get some comfort. It does help to know that we can't fix them,,, its not any lack of power on our part. or their lack of love for us.
I am so sorry. Its really sad. I hope for her sake, that he gets well enough some day, to be able to be a dad to her.
He is a sick man. Maybe it would help your daughter to not feel so abandoned if she understood addiction. So she knows that the drugs make her father even more unavailable to her. If there is an Al-ateen nearby, she would probably get a lot of comfort from knowing that she is not the only teen going through this. I am not saying that he has an excuse here, because I don't think that he does, for not calling her, or doing things with her, or being there for her when she was in the hospital. That is really low, and selfish. Addict or not.
Maybe you can discuss addiction with her. or find some good books for younger people, so she can maybe get some comfort. It does help to know that we can't fix them,,, its not any lack of power on our part. or their lack of love for us.
I am so sorry. Its really sad. I hope for her sake, that he gets well enough some day, to be able to be a dad to her.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
sorry......couldn't resist!
(((((((So to everyone she can say see he has a car and an apartment, but what she fails to mention, that these things really belong to his girlfriend and he's using and selling.)))))))
selling,huh? Soon he WILL have an "apartment" of his own, courtesy of the taxpayers!
(the prisons are full of dealers who thought they were too cool to get caught)
..........I guess their 'clientele' are such battle hardened Turkish prisoners of war that
they would NEVER EVER turn on each other in order to secure a reduced sentence----
no, that never happens........you could pull out all 20 finger & toenails.....they'd never
roll!!!!
(truth be told, all that has to be said is "wanna know the good news? You don't
have to do 20 yrs hard time......just give us some names")
They roll faster than sea otters!
(((((((So to everyone she can say see he has a car and an apartment, but what she fails to mention, that these things really belong to his girlfriend and he's using and selling.)))))))
selling,huh? Soon he WILL have an "apartment" of his own, courtesy of the taxpayers!
(the prisons are full of dealers who thought they were too cool to get caught)
..........I guess their 'clientele' are such battle hardened Turkish prisoners of war that
they would NEVER EVER turn on each other in order to secure a reduced sentence----
no, that never happens........you could pull out all 20 finger & toenails.....they'd never
roll!!!!
(truth be told, all that has to be said is "wanna know the good news? You don't
have to do 20 yrs hard time......just give us some names")
They roll faster than sea otters!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am glad you daughter said what she did, in that she does realize he is no longer the same person. She has hit the nail on the head. Move forward and heal, both of you. I agree with Vail above, he will get busted eventually.
Tight Hugs. I hope you have a peaceful day as does your lovely daughter.
XXX
Tight Hugs. I hope you have a peaceful day as does your lovely daughter.
XXX
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