Inky24

Hi all, first post on these forums. Looks like a great, supportive community. Hopefully I can find some help!

A little about me: I'm 30 years old, married with 2 kids. I started drinking around 16 and it's been non-stop ever since. Before 21 it was "How are we getting booze this week?!?!" and once I hit 21, well...forget about it. I don't think I need to explain it to anyone here. It took over my life. It's all I cared about and all I wanted to do. If we were going out it was "I hope this place has a bar". If i was staying in I would get something to drink. From 21-23 i can barley remember anything, it was just one huge binge. My wife (then girlfriend) made it clear she would not marry me unless I changed my ways which I tried but it's been a struggle ever since. I just can't quit. I can't control myself and I know it. Everyone I know drinks. All my friends and family, it's ridiculous. I can't avoid it anywhere I go which makes it so much harder.

I also suffer from bad anxiety/OCD and panic attacks. I always used alcohol as my escape. Even as I type this i'm suffering from a massive hangover trying to get ready for a memorial day cookout which I know I will end up drinking. I try to tell myself I will only have 2 or 3 and no shots but I know it's probably not going to happen. I sick of feeling hungover and mad at myself for another failed day of drinking.

There are some positives. I grew up playing ice hockey which i still do and I love hitting the gym and going for a run. Although the alcohol makes it very hard for me to stay consistent. I will be good for 4 days, then drink and have a hangover which prevents me from going back to the gym so I get knocked out of cycle. Then I get mad at myself for missing the gym and will drink instead. It's a brutal.

I also play guitar and am an instructor. Doing shows is great but again, the band almost always gets open bar. Can't say no to free booze!....

I can remember 2 times in my 20s that I quit and it was amazing. The first was right before my 1st child was born. I remember 3-4 weeks in I was sleeping better than I ever had in my entire life. I woke up refreshed, it was amazing! The second was when I did p90x and insanity along with hockey when i was 26-27. I went about 78 days and was in the best shape of my life. Then I tore my hip flexor playing hockey, got depressed and started up again.

Now I have no endurance and can barley run a mile. I'm not getting any younger and I know I cant keep doing this to my body, it's not healthy. I feel lucky to still be alive and want to get back in shape. Need to keep the heart healthy. So I started playing hockey again and back in the gym. I skated for the first time in months last week and could barley stay out there for a minute. It was a good kick and something I needed to make me realize I need to get back in shape. I'm really hoping to quit booze but it's a struggle. I'm not sure if i will ever be able to quit. Problem is I love it, I love the taste, i brew my own beer. I would love to say I can drink in moderation but I know I can't. The days when I only have 1 beer and a glass of wine with a meal I feel like it's an accomplishment. I feel great because I controlled myself and I didn't wake up hungover. Unfortunately most days I can't control myself so I know I need to just step away.

That's about it for now. Thanks to anyone who read this.

least

Welcome to the family. I hope our support can help you break the cycle of drinking for good. It's tough at first after quitting, and best to get medical help in getting thru detox, but the rewards of living sober are many.

I'm glad you found us and joined us. I think you'll like it here.

Inky24

Thanks! I have a therapist for my anxiety issues and I always hid how much I drank from him until recently. After spending 1 session talking about my alcohol use, he immediately changed focus to that. I am working with him to find a good program for me. I tried and tried by myself but I just can't and to be honest, i'm tired of the battle. I just want to quit for good.

Stoogy

Hi Inky24, thank you for a very honest assessment of your drinking, half the battle is in realising that you have an issue, I spent so long with my head up my own backside convincing myself it's fine, I'm normal etc.. But what is normal to you or I is not Normal to the rest of society, I struggled with the thought of quitting too but when I finally gave in to my head and quit I realised it's not quite as hard when put into practise, I'm not saying it is easy far from it and I struggle bad some days but like you said health is priority number 1 especially when you have a family as it is not all about you anymore. At 21 I remember feeling bullet proof but at 37 the drinking has taken it's toll and I realised that if I did not stop I would not live to see a descent age.
Well done.

Inky24

Thanks for the reply Stoogy. I feel the same way you did. When I was late teen early 20s I thought nothing would put me down. Even throughout my 20s I didn't think I had a problem, I saw myself as just a young guy enjoying life. Next thing you know my kids are starting kindergarten and my 20s are gone. That really hit me hard when that happened and that's when I took a step back.

I'm thankful to be catching this now and (hopefully) quit and get back in shape before things turn bad. That's my goal.

UrbanFarmer

Hey just wanted to let you know I suffered with the anxiety and panic also. Stuck in a bad cycle for years and years. I'm sober nine months and my anxiety is way down and panic hardly ever. And that was an every day thing. It's not easy but definitely worth it. If you walk 10 miles in the woods you have to walk 10 miles out...long road.

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Supersonic

Thanks for sharing. Don't waste another 10 years as I have done, things will only get worse for as long as you continue to drink. l wish you well in your recovery, and this is a great place to start it.

Mentium

Welcome! And good luck!

A significant proportion of people who come here, I have noticed, report OCD and anxiety as an issue. I do find myself wondering how many have a pre-exisiting issue and how many have developed it as a result of drinking. At my AA meeting last night one guy, five years sober, reported that his depression and anxiety lifted within twelve months or so of quitting.

happyandfree

hi inky-welcome! if you want to get sober this site will really help you. there is a lot of good people and support here. it sounds like you are heading in the right direction.

Stiv

I always thought I was a big shot after I scored drinks when I was underage, later like you things just got worse.

If we try we can always look back and re-trace the steps to where it all started going wrong, but now it is time to look forward and make things better for our future.

I hope you find sobriety and happiness.

Inky24

Thanks everyone for the replies. It means a lot.


My parents got a divorce when I was 2 and my dad left when i was about 8. After that i started having bad panic/OCD/sleep issues. My anxiety definitely started before my drinking. Drinking was (WAS!) my escape. I met up with my dad again at 20 and we have been close ever since, problem is he is a HEAVY drinker as well. Last night it was me and him at a cookout drinking. That's why i'm so hungover today. My dad is a great guy and a hard worker, just an alcoholic. "I'm an alcoholic like my farther before me". I think that's the quote

I need to remove myself from situations in which I will drink because I can't control it. From 18-20 I smoked 1-2 packs of butts a day and I quit cold turkey. I remember it was the day after a party, I was hungover, light up a butt and threw up all over the place. Enough of that I said. I didn't think I could do it but I did and now I can't stand the smell of smoke so I don't see why I can't do it with alcohol!

jkirk

Welcome 24,

I'm only 90 days clear, but it can be done; and this forum can be a great resource for you. Good luck in your upcoming challange.

happyandfree

You don't have to follow in your father's footsteps-you can quit alcohol like you quit cigarettes. Quitting smoking is very difficult! But you did it and you can quit drinking also. Read these posts and you will learn that it is possible. ...you might have to stay away from your dad for a bit.

Inky24

Yeah unfortunately when we get together we drink A LOT! He is a good guy and a hard worker, he is just very old school. He is disciplined enough to get up out of bed after a night of drinking and still work out where I just sleep until 3 then do nothing for the next 2 days. He has always said, just keep moving and exercising and don't stop. Makes a difference. But ultimately I know I can't do that. As much as I tell myself "Ok, i'm going to go out tonight, have a few drinks and then wake up and hit the gym" it never happens because I almost always get tanked and feel like crap the next day.

It's a brutal struggle. This Sunday for my Memorial Day cookout I had a blast. Only a couple beers with some wine with my food. Caught a little buzz and enjoyed the day. I'm not trying to kid myself though, that was pretty rare. 9 times out of 10 when I drink I get smashed and I know the only thing for me to do is stop completely but it's so hard because I LOVE it! I love matching a good wine with my food. I love trying new beers/brewing new beers and I sipping on whiskey or banging back a shot or two but because of my addictive personalty this leads to bad things. If im out at a bar and my friends start buying rounds i can never say no. Not because of peer pressure either, but because I love it! I have said no a few times but it's tough.

I just think i programmed myself when I was a teenager to think when I go to a party/cookout/wedding/restaurant I need to have a drink to have a good time. I find it hard to change my thinking and don't really know HOW to go about it but I do know this. I want to stop and get back in shape.

EJ43

Hi Inky! Welcome! I also have anxiety, but it is
Much much less after not drinking a few weeks! Go get 'em!

happyandfree

I drank for years feeling I didn't want to stop because I loved it so much and was also programmed to believe that it was the only way to have fun. It's not true. We can have fun without the suffering and painful aftereffects.