Raider

Sometimes I look back on my replies, and I am so negative. I don't get me. I have a lot of empathy for the suffering, for the relapsed, for the struggling, my heart breaks for you. My feelings become very hard for the abuser, liar, user, cheater, manipulator, thief, the sneak, etc. i lose my empathy to those who "chose" to stay with such a person. I feel like I could never stay with an addict. I'm too paranoid. I would be checking on them every second, checking credit cards, bank accounts, my purse, I would check their phone, follow them, I would have zero trust. I would not take a chance on them cleaning up for good. I am an addict and someone took a chance on me, and he is still here with me. But it's a little different, if I picked up today he wouldn't leave me and I wouldn't hide it, thus no need to lie and sneak around.

I lay in bed every night and pray for the addict and those whose lives are affected.

The bottom line is I am an addict, butI don't want to love one or live with one. I am a smoker, but I don't want my husband to be one (it's quite a stinky habit).

What does this say about me? I'm a hypocrite? That I don't think an addict is worth staying with? I don't get me and the part I get, I don't like very much.

Verte

I think it says that you are human and you have suffered. Your task in this lifetime will be to untangle the pain and be free.

BTW - I heart you and your hilarious (or deeply philosophical) posting as well

Aellyce

Raider, the way I see it...what all this tells me is FEAR. You've had your experience with addiction, now you are in recovery, and are afraid of losing it. These stories probably remind you of the same thing, unconsciously or fully aware. Then you are projecting the fear out. Perhaps do not trust your ability yet to remain sober and live your life differently long term?

If this rings true, I think it's completely normal. You read all those threads about moderation and how people tend to react (very strongly), right? I think it's the same mechanism.

Stoogy

Hi Raider- Negative! You? No chance. You are human and sometimes we go about things in ways we don't even fully understand ourselves.

You are a valuable asset to SR, and I love following your posts.

360shoes

Hi Raider,
I kind of understand. I'm single and I would have never dated someone with a drinking problem. Not even when I drank. I would have never dated a me. How hypocritical is that?

I just see it as it's not the person. It's the behavior I wouldn't be able to take. Not even my own which is why I quit eventually. Explains the self loathing I guess.

So no, I would not get involved with an active problem drinker. Wouldn't before and definitely wouldn't now. Not because the person is bad. Because the behavior ain't good.

I found out pretty fast that the reason I hated myself when I drank was because my behavior was textbook rotten. Regardless of how bad it was or wasn't. It just plain wasn't right. I didn't need to be a rocket scientist to know that drinking to the point of drunkiness wasn't a virtue.

My problem wasn't seeing that. It was the years of thinking I could control it. Glad I finally gave that one up.

Thanks for the post. I like when someone poses a thought that makes me think. I always learn something.

biminiblue

Heh heh. I've been told I'm blunt, here and in real life.

I choose to think that I'm just coming from a different life perspective than the one who thinks I'm blunt.

I've used up all my words on some subjects and just cut to the chase.

Don't beat yourself up, as long as your motives are in line, you're fine.

Knat84

We're all hypocrites to a certain extent. We've all been hypocritical. I also do not trust addicts. However, this is because I know how un-trustworthy I was when I was addicted. I lied about the STUPIDEST things. Hid booze. Used secret cards when I went to the bar. Hell, I even cashed in some bonds I had from when I was a kid just to go get wasted. I even stole. I mean, ugh... I was a freaking terrible person. Since then, however, I LIKE to think I have deleted those traits within myself; as I confronted the people I stole from, and repaid them. (Owed my mom a $1000 bracelet, too. Had a hell of a time tracking that down!)
What I'm getting at is, we all have a story. We all have good and bad in us. Alcohol / drugs can bring out the worst in people. We all have it in us to lie, cheat, steal, and generally, wrong others. It's hard not to judge others, especially once you have gone through hell to correct yourself. It's like you want them to change so bad because it IS possible, because you did so. People will just have to walk their own paths. My advice to you is that if something really ticks you off, just stop reading, don't reply, and pray.

Raider

Then you are projecting the fear out. Perhaps do not trust your ability yet to remain sober and live your life differently long term?

I think this is an issue for me. I don't believe in my own long term sobriety and I think I am a strong person. If I can't believe it in myself, certainly i cannot believe it in someone else. Ack! That's crappy!!!

Stoogy

We all have doubts about our long term sobriety I think, that's why we are all recovering alcoholics rather than recovered alcoholics.

EndGameNYC

Yeah, whatever.

The more sober you are, the more clear is your thinking, and the more straightforward are your comments. Welcome to the fabled "fourth dimension of existence," to which we're "rocketed" according to the AA Big Book.

You may not realize it, but your comments are extremely helpful -- and have become increasingly so -- and not just for the OPs.

What often goes unsaid is that defense mechanisms such as 'denial' are typically not wholly unconscious, and often not at all. When I read rationalizations for continued drinking, moderating one's drinking or justifiable bad behavior, I'm not reading about things -- the consequence of which actions are dangerous and often abusive -- that the OP is entirely unaware of. I've been there myself, as I imagine you have as well, and I've witnessed it more times than I can remember in my life.

Proposing bad or dangerous behavior in a public forum in which most of its members have destroyed their lives and the lives of others by doing the exact same thing will only fly if the "audience" is largely brain dead. Asking relatively innocent questions about such things is one thing, but knowingly promoting an unhealthy lifestyle in the service of maintaining one's own dangerous delusions begs to be addressed. Given what SR is or seems to be, such acts are often taken as provocations, and are generally responded to as such. I'm not always successful at doing it, but I do make an effort to remember where I am before posting my comments.

Mind you, I don't fault people who are new to sobriety for fuzzy thinking or an inability to control some of their behaviors, but there is a point at which many of us know what the right thing to do is, yet we continue to argue for the addictive position. This is only one reason why accountability is so important to sobriety, both in AA and other forms of recovery. We're so used to excusing ourselves from simple, human obligations -- including an increasingly corrosive lifestyle -- that we render ourselves incompetent when it comes to making good choices in life. The shield of my being an alcoholic only extends so far and for so long, and the requirement that we meet life as it comes to us is indispensable if one truly wishes to remain sober.

As long as you continue to do what you're doing and remain honest with yourself, and your heart is in the right place, your long-term sobriety -- and your ability to help yourself and others -- will continue to gain strength.

mecanix

One thing i found out from teaching my apprentices was that they were picking up on the lessons i didn't think i was teaching them .

Anyone out there R , who has followed your story will have gained a great deal of strength and hope from it , whatever you might be happening to say in any individual post Try not to over think stuff ..

Keep on ,

Bestwishes, m

Anna

Raider,

My suggestion is to just go with it. I went through several phases in early recovery as I uncovered layer after layer of myself, and each phase had different concerns. Recovery truly is a journey.

Stiv

EndGameNYC said: "You may not realize it, but your comments are extremely helpful" and I agree. Just be you.

Aellyce

Raider, re: that projection issue... if you think that's true... I mentioned it because it's definitely true for me in the context of sobriety and in many many other contexts and situations. It's a common reaction to anxiety. I tend to have the same reaction to it as you: it generates guilt, then I apologize... I'm actually trying to teach myself to not apologize for it all the time. I am extremely prone to psychological projections and also always tell myself, after so many years of being aware of it: "crap, when is this going to end"?!

The true answer to this, the way I see it now, lies exactly in the strategy of recovery and how we learn to accept ourselves, how we accumulate self-confidence in our ability with time. And a lot of this won't come from self-criticism but from learning to love ourselves, the whole package.

What others mentioned about your having very LITTLE negativity in your attitude and your being very helpful and inspiring is absolutely correct, also how I see you. Why I keep responding to your posts. I think you have a lot of potential and a good and honest attitude for it. Also a distinct, strong character. Sometimes being a little angry or having strong opinions is also good in that it demonstrates the individual has genuine intentions.

I would suggest, simply just keep everything going. If you need to apologize and assess your behavior, do so. It's all good

Dee74

I've learned a lot in recovery, way more than 'don't drink again ever'.

I'm still learning and growing, trying to be a better person.

I think we all are, aren't we?

D

Raider

Thank you all very much. Thanks.

EJ43

I personably find you very empathetic, comforting and awesomely spirited!!!! My take on your observations is that you would never want to live with an addict because you are one and truly understand what this means. And I find it no coincidence that you are trying to stay sober so you do not have to live with yourself as an active addict. I think it boils down to that you basically think addiction sucks....and it does. Be easy on yourself, you deserve more credit for facing this battle and facing yourself, keep rocking on girl!

CAPTAINZING2000

Well

This is the net you know? People can read way too much into a comment .
It's best to leave my attitude outside of the forum. My ESH might not be what someone else needs, I'm ok with that.

There was something I read years back, is it kind, is it necessary, is it hurtful if not, I should keep it to myself.

Received

Ahhh, Raider, you're doing just fine. Just fine.

airwick

Raider,

What you see as a problem ( your negativity) I see as a solution given. We all here are learning new things, we have the ability to accept of reject advice. I am learning from you, you are learning from somebody else. We are all in this together.