Notices

Concerned Boyfriend

Old 05-24-2014, 10:45 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 4
Question Concerned Boyfriend

Hi Everyone and Anyone who reads this -

I joined this website and am writing tonight because I am very much in love with my girlfriend and concerned for her health and well-being in regards to her alcohol intake.

I will refer to my girlfriend as "GF". My GF and I have been together well over a year. She is absolutely wonderful in almost every regard except when I try to lightly bring up the subject of her drinking. She gets very defensive and angry and tries to make comparisons with me on how I can eat a large bag of candy in one sitting (I like chocolate). It sounds funny but it disturbs me. I rarely sit down and perform that eating accomplishment and point out to her that chocolate is not a mood enhancing/changing substance and I can still operate a vehicle with a bag of chocolate in me etc. etc. But the discussion goes nowhere.

She never seems to be out of control and sloppy drunk but she can put alcohol away like there's no tomorrow. She brags that she has a very high tolerance for alcohol and that she loves the taste of alcohol. To be honest, in all the time we have dated (well over a year) I have only seen her extremely drunk maybe 3 times. That's really not bad over the course of so many months. But I am having a hard time deciphering if this is really a problem or if she just can drink more on a regular basis and it doesn't effect her. She also did not drink for a whole month about a year ago when we did a sugar detox.

She can drink a bottle of wine in one day without a problem and sometimes …sometimes …breaks open another bottle and pours herself on more glass. She often leaves her last glass of the evening unfinished ( a good sign i think). Two weeks ago she bought a 1.75 litre of vodka and put it in the freezer. I know she didn't crack it open right away and it sat for several days. However, upon coming home tonight while she is away I found the bottle to be about 3/4 gone. So I'm thinking she drank that much vodka in about a week and half's time and probably put away 3-4 bottles in this time frame too. I may have had 3-4 glasses of wine over this period, but had none of the vodka.

I like to have a beer or two or a glass or two of wine here and there, but I very rarely pound anything and if I went a year without alcohol I don't think I'd miss it at all. So my question to anyone who would read this and like to comment is this …after reading my post and knowing that she can stop herself from finishing a glass, doesn't get sloppy or even show signs that she is intoxicated, BUT seems to drink a large quantity of alcohol, especially for someone her size (130 lbs) …should I be concerned? And if so, how do I go about bringing this up with her without her flying off the handle? I love her so very much and want to spend the rest of my life with this woman but just don't know what to make of it all.

Thank you for "listening" and very sorry this is so long.

Concerned BF
ConcernedBF is offline  
Old 05-24-2014, 11:02 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Raider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
If your concerned, you're concerned so own it. I think most people might think that's a bit much for someone to drink. If you're asking if she is an alcoholic, I wouldn't know. I never finished my last glass either, by then I was too wasted. I didn't show signs of intoxication, so I've been told, but I was in a total blackout. I'm an alcoholic.

When I am in active addiction, I don't know any way you could bring that subject up without me being angry. Hopefully someone will come along soon with some better proposal.
Raider is offline  
Old 05-24-2014, 11:40 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,048
Hi and welcome ConcernedBF

As you know, it's very difficult to assess a problem in person...it's that much harder again on the Internet.

I've known people who drink heavily but can take it or leave it...they have none of the mental obsession...on the other hand I've known people who drink comparatively little, or comparatively infrequently, but who identify as alcoholic.

I never left anything in the glass, but that just says something about me

I think you are concerned, and that's valid.

Maybe if you commit to giving up the chocolate and alcohol, she can be talked into making a similar commitment?

If she won't, can't, or doesn't last very long, then perhaps that's more grounds to consider your concerns are well founded?

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 05-25-2014, 12:46 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
CodeJob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello concerned,

Welcome to SR! You might want to check out the Friends & Family section here. Here is a link.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Your GF's actions concern you. You cannot control her. What role does alcohol play in her family? Any future indications or patterns of behavior evident? Learn a bit about the progressive nature of alcoholism. It will help you assess this situation and your responses to it.
CodeJob is offline  
Old 05-25-2014, 01:09 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kitkat331's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Western Washington
Posts: 202
Hi, CBF, welcome. . Your GF's drinking habits sound fairly similar to mine before I got sober--though I did find the quantity crept up gradually over about 10 years. But I did not generally get sloppy, I was capable of periods of sobriety (e.g. 2 pregnancies), etc.

Honestly, I had to come to the realization I was an alcoholic over a long period of questioning it and attempts to cut back. I don't think I could have just had someone tell me and have accepted it.

If you want to bring it up with her, I would NOT do it "lightly" or jokingly. I would sit down together at a time when you guys have lots of time to talk and I would ask her how she feels about her drinking. Does it worry her? Does she feel like she's overly preoccupied by it? What does she think having a problem looks like and how would she know if she was developing a problem?

I think you break down defensiveness by being curious about her, rather than telling her she has a problem. That being said (and after she has had a chance to share how she thinks and feels) you do have the right to bring up any ways in which you're negatively affected by her drinking. Is it affecting your finances? Is she harder to connect with when she's drinking? Does she avoid non drinking activities?
Kitkat331 is offline  
Old 05-25-2014, 07:20 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 4
Thank you!

Hi Folks!

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I really appreciate it. It's funny, I was a pyschology major that concentrated heavily on addiction and here I am possibly facing it (from the outside - in) and I was lost. Still am a bit. I suppose because my emotions and love life are involved. Very solid advice all around. KitKat …I will approach from your angle. That's an excellent way to discuss a difficult topic and see where it leads. As you all know, even though I am coming from a place of love and concern, I am looked at as the enemy who is trying to control her. Very much not the case …I like a good drink and to have fun. But with kids in the picture and no sign of slowing down I have to see if we can dicsuss this and curb her appetite. I will continue to read and ask questions, as I am far from understanding addiction. And again, I am not really sure she has an addiction just yet, but I am fearful that she is heading down that path.

Thank you again!
ConcernedBF is offline  
Old 05-25-2014, 07:38 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
phoebe64's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
I would also fit your GF's style of drinking. Abstained during two pregnancies. Occasionally had too much and got ill or badly hungover, but maybe a few times a year. After my second child, my consumption escalated. And I gained a lot of weight as well. We cannot keep up that degree of caloric intake forever either.

At its worst, I was drinking as much as a bottle of wine most nights, maybe less on weeknights, skipping nights here and there, and more than bottle on the weekends. Once in awhile I got into fruity martinis or Margaritas. The trends.

I do not think I realized I was alcoholic until I actually truly tried to stop. I knew I drank heavily and more than was healthy. And my reason to quit was related to health consequences: Diabetes, overweight, and liver issues at 45 years old(49 now). I easily quit for 4-5 months at that time and all my blood work war normal, and I was told, *by my liver doctor* a glass of wine out to dinner, on the weekend, etc... would be ok. Well, there I was, doing fine for a bit, but then my drinking escalated and I have had trouble with moderating it to that degree.

It was only when I really had to stop, and could not, that I realized I do have a serious problem.

So, your GF may not see it, just like I did not. Even if not alcoholic, that quantity of drinking is not at all healthy. Maybe her tolerance it high, but her BAC is still going to be up, and she is doing damage ot her body, and should not drive, no matter how fine she may seem.

I am in the camp that think the label is not as important as considering the consequences of heavy drinking, in general: poor health, weigh gain, relationship troubles, etc... You are already having some issue with it affecting your relationship, since you have argued about it and it is bothering you.

I hope she can listen and hear your concern. I would love the support of my partner in this.
phoebe64 is offline  
Old 05-25-2014, 08:12 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Pressure makes diamonds
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 521
Hi concernedBF,
Welcome her behavior sounds a lot like mine prior to facing that alcohol was causing havoc in my life. It sounds like she has built up a high tolerance to alcohol. The fact that she left a glass half full, from her 2nd bottle doesn't mean she is able to stop herself. Unfortunately, she ultimately has to be open to changing or you will just frustrate yourself trying to convince her. I too have great qualities, but before I was ready to take wine out of the equation, I ruined relationships, lost people's respect, including my own self respect. I wish you well, but I'd be cautious with commitment until she decides which is more important. Until someone is fully committed to abstinence, the poison always wins.
Hope2014 is offline  
Old 05-25-2014, 08:14 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 4
thank you, rochelle. very true all around. I don't want to come off as controlling. She will always be able to throw back at me that I like to drink here and there, but as I stated …I have no problem going without for an indefinite period of time. And I am not an enabler. I try not to have alcohol in the house and don't crave a drink ever. When I drink, it's social. Most days I prefer a cold bottle of water or a gatorade (which isn't great for you either in relation to sugar content). I will keep at this from a distance for now and ease my way into the discussion. the anger and defensiveness on her part troubles more than anything because that, to me, is a clear indication that there is a problem. thank you very much!
ConcernedBF is offline  
Old 05-25-2014, 08:19 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 4
Thank you, Hope. You're right and I know that. This has been troubling me for a while and now that our relationship is becoming even more serious I felt the need to take action. I am beyond hopeful that we can get through this.
ConcernedBF is offline  
Old 05-25-2014, 08:55 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
FT
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi Concerned,

Ditto a lot of the other comments above, where I could have been described exactly like your GF when I was in my 20's. Abstained through two pregnancies. In my 30's I began to avoid any activities that did not involve my ability to get my alcohol. For me, it was a full liter of cold duck every night, and at the end of the first one I rarely felt like I'd had enough. Rarely looked or acted drunk. Like her, maybe "really" drunk two or three times a year.

I, too, was very defensive if my drinking were "noticed" by someone else, although my husband shared my alcoholism with his own drinking, which was far worse than mine. That helped me justify my use as not excessive.

By my late 30's, I would refuse to go anywhere that did not involve alcohol, and by then I'd tried to quit numerous times with varying "success" -- I think the longest I ever made it was 6 weeks without drinking. By that time, I'd decided I had "proven" I could handle alcohol and the pattern of daily drinking would re-emerge.

The last glass of the evening thing doesn't surprise me. My guess is that you only see how much of her drinking she allows you to see. At the end of my drinking career (I quit over 20 years ago now), I would commonly have an extra bottle of vodka or some other alcohol around so I could drink more than my one bottle of cold duck without drawing attention I did not want. Don't laugh, but I kept a bottle of red food coloring in the cupboard to tint my alcohol red (if my extra booze were not red), so that it would appear that I was still drinking out of the same bottle of cold duck.

Just ask yourself this -- what "normal" drinker gets defensive about their drinking, when brought up in "light" conversation? Try planning a series of events where alcohol is not available or practical and see what she does.

Actually, the fact that you are worried means that her drinking has ALREADY affected her life in negative ways. That does not describe a "normal" drinker.

Good luck. She will stop ONLY when she wants to. Alcoholics will rarely stop for any other reason.
FT is offline  
Old 05-25-2014, 09:00 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 267
Hey Concerned--not much to add but will echo what many have said already. It's difficult to judge based on quantity alone. Beyond general health concerns, her attachment could be "only" psychological at this point, masked by "just enjoying it."

But if your GF drinks daily, there's a good chance that her habits will progress to drinking heavily daily, and if she does that long enough (for me it was years), she'll eventually reach the point of true physical dependency. And, as you already know from your work on your major, if she crosses that line it's a whole new ball game.

I empathize with the tricky spot you're in, though. Many of us responded poorly to loved ones who were concerned, not wanting to be controlled or told what was good for us. Your plan sounds like a good one. I would prepare well for the second part of that plan: how you'll respond if she answers your questions with "No, I'm not worried, don't have a problem, and you shouldn't worry either." Gently informing her of how this situation affects you is certainly a good place to start.

Good luck, BF. Let us know how it goes.
pupkin is offline  
Old 05-25-2014, 09:04 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,330
If you're concerned about your girlfriend's drinking, then you're concerned and you need to deal with that. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse over time, unless she stops drinking. That said, she will need to make the decision to stop drinking for herself and it won't be something you can convince her to do. I wish you well.
Anna is offline  
Old 05-25-2014, 09:13 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,672
Welcome CBF. Your concerns are valid. That's a lot of alcohol. I hope she can discuss it with you without getting defensive and withdrawn.

least is online now  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:30 PM.