Okay-I broke no contact but it may have been what I need

Old 05-24-2014, 09:30 PM
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Okay-I broke no contact but it may have been what I need

Hello again all,

I wrote last week for the 1st time about going no contact with my A. I had his number blocked all week and I was actually feeling good and focused. But.....for some reason yesterday, I thought "I wonder if he is even trying to contact me"...so I unblocked him and yes, he texted me. He texted, I wish I was with you" and then "why don't you call me or respond to my texts". This actually made me so angry.

Last time I talked to him was a week ago and I caught him lying. I haven't really been spending time with him for several months because of all the lies, no money (accept for himself on beer and gas and cigs, but of course none for a movie or anything for us/me) and just lack of trust. I sent him a text last week letting him know in a nice way that I was blocking his number and I clearly explained why. So him texting me that he wants to see me just made me made-he acted like nothing had happened and he didn't understand.

I texted him back that he knows why and then we argued back and forth. It was stupid on my part. He was going to a concert he said with his nieces. I asked him if he was going with a friend (who I knew he was going with bc of facebook) and then he stopped responding, so I admit (even though I don't want to) that I was rude to him out of anger. This is something I am ashamed of and I have been working on controlling my emotions.

Then his friend send me a video over the phone of him (A) flipping me off and his nieces were in the car too (they are teenagers). I sent a message back to his friend asking him why he sent this and he said that was a group message and not for just for me (whatever).

Well, getting to the point, this little interaction tonight made me realize that nothing is changing. My mind gets the best of me sometimes and I want to believe that my A misses me and will change. I see that he is a total jerk and has been for several years. He used to be a nice guy many years ago (been with him for 8), but the past 3-4 years have been hell. What's been so confusing is that he cries to me and says he is unhappy, wants to die, hates life, needs me, whatever and then the next day can act like a total soul-less jerk. I think I have spent many years trying to figure out why he acts like 2 different people and I think after 8 years I realize that it is manipulation and alcoholism and I will never truly understand. He wants to keep me in his life (even by a thread) but do whatever he wants and expects me to be fine with it.

I have decided now to reblock him on my phone, block his friends, and I totally deactivated my facebook for now. I am tired of seeing stupid pictures of him with this smirk on his face like he is god. Seeing him on facebook only makes me obsess over what he is doing and it's keeping me stuck. You know, through a text, he can tell me anything and try to make me believe anything and for years I have fallen for it. But in reality, he could text me he loves me and is working on himself (something me said tonight), but then leave for a party and get drunk and I would never know. It's pathetic.

This has been such a process. But I'm learning. I went to a ballgame with my beautiful niece this evening and we had a great time (besides the fact that I was somewhat checked out because of my interaction with my A). I saw all these families and children and realized that is what I want. I know I have to put in my own hard work to fix myself and to feel that I am worthy of someone to love me and treat me right. I don't think I thought that before-I accepted very little because I have a low self esteem. The most important thing to me right now is my school and my family and I need to keep it that way. I'm actually glad to start school June 2nd so I can focus on that.

What is going to be another challenge is that his daughter comes to town for the summer next week. I have always taking care of her and I mean always. He does very little. I have told him that I do want to see her, but to have his mom contact me (so he is aware and bc I plan on keeping him blocked this time around). He got mad and told me then I wouldn't get to see her. I am accepting this and I even told my niece (she is very good friends with his daughter) that she may not be able to see her this summer, or if so, not as often as before. This all breaks my heart, but I know deep down that it has been his responsibility to have fixed our broken relationship if he wanted it to work. He is the one with the child and he is the one that destroyed this. What's even sadder is that his own mother and sisters will take on the responsibility of raising this child (he has no where for her to live) so that he can continue to party.

Well, thank you all for listening. I think my final step in this healing process is writing here and responding as I can. I don't really feel comfortable in Alanon and I won't have the time to go to meetings.
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