MAGW

Well I just wrote all the history in a long post, and somehow it got deleted. I guess it comes down to this - 4 year relationship with an alcoholic; He never makes it past 3 months of quitting; this time I followed through and told him I was done. When he starts drinking within a few months he's drinking 24x7. He keeps his job and things don't really fall through the cracks. He is not angry or abusive. He gets overly emotional. After all I have read and heard, I am afraid that the longer he drinks he will some day become angry and abusive, not to mention ill, and he's putting his job, his license, and full time custody of his children at risk. I cannot be OK with that. The problem is when I told him this week we were done, he isn't up to the 24x7 yet; he hasn't drank in front of me but I have suspected it for a month and he was honest when asked-- so I quit, but before it got tough and messy. We have an emotional connection I have never had before, I am 46 and was in a 20 year marriage to a workaholic. But my fears are too big and my trust in him to quit is too small. This is devastating to him emotionally as well as financially. I just feel bad and need to hear that chances are high he would turn into all those things and I am doing the right thing. I keep second guessing myself as he wasn't horrible, but at the same time I was losing self respect for putting up with something I believe so strongly against.

suki44883

From what you have written, yes, I believe you did the right thing for you. Alcoholism is progressive and while he may not have become abusive, he would definitely become ill and possibly lose his job or his license or get a DUI or possibly even injure himself or another innocent person or worse.

A happy relationship takes two people who compliment each other. Two people who grow together and trust one another above all others. If those qualities are not there, then there's really not much of a relationship.

Welcome to SR. So sorry for what you're dealing with, but glad you found us. You'll find a lot of support here.

MAGW

And... do I not reply to his texts/calls/emails? It feels so cruel to just not reply, but my therapist thought that he will go through the loss faster if I am not in contact. I feel like we went from all in to all out, that is hard, and harder for him.

MAGW

And thank you Suki... I appreciate it and needed to hear it

Pia

Hi MAGW- Your story sounds like mine was(key word was)
He wasn't abusive or angry he was a happy drunk at first. I didn't know that for years he was lying telling me he was working when in fact he wasn't. I believed every word he said. He's my husband he would never lie to me blah blah. He is a high functioning alcoholic and is now in trouble at work and jeopardizing his job. Last I saw him he was scruffy and smelly. I have gone NC and work on me.
I had a hard time believing he would start to get in trouble with work and start losing things.
He believes his lies and in his head he isn't lying. He started getting abusive verbally but couldn't remember it so in his head he wasn't and it didn't happen no matter what I said.
It is true when they say it is progressive. I hope you begin counseling, treatment, alanon, self help books whatever it takes to take care of you.
Alcoholics do not think the same way we do and there reasoning is all over the place.

MAGW

Hi Radiant - Thank you for taking the time to message me, every little bit helps as its so sad and I feel like I am awful for hurting him like this, but I know I am doing what I need to do too. Glad you are in a better place or further along .

Pia

Check out the book Codependent no More by Melody Beattie from Amazon. I have the book and Audio. I love the Audio because I can take it in my vehicle and listen as i'm driving some where instead of listening to the radio. There is a great chapter about detachment well actually I love all the chapters.

Please read read and read. I know it is hard at first to believe the person you love could be the person you never imagined but it does happen.

I was so far up my AH butt that I even built the golden podium I had him on. Now I can see clearly and realize how bad things really were. We have been separated since Jan and although it has been a painful road I can honestly say I am the happiest today than 10+ years being with him.

MAGW

I have looked at the book but was never quite sure if I needed it; but with your message I will order the audio now -- thank you again

LoveMeNow

Sounds like you have been working on you and seem to be in a healthier place this time.

There is no need to settle, life is just way too short.

I like to remember -

Healthy attracts healthy
Sick attracts sick.

MAGW

Love the Healthy attracts healthy, sick attracts sick - will remember that one - thank you

BoxinRotz

Congrats on stepping off the roller coaster. He too can get off any time he choses but more than likely, he won't until he is ready. My husband is an alcoholic in recovery. He's had 20 years sober and went back and made a complete wreck of our lives. I stayed. He was still in denial up until he almost lost his job, AFTER he almost killed himself on a motorcycle last year. You never know when it's going to be enough for them. They have to want to stop though just like you want to better yourself and not be trapped in such chaos. Good luck to you.

thisgirl81

I can only tell you my experience...My A used to be so nice and fun and sweet (that's what made me fall in love). He used to be able to somewhat control his drinking (a month or 2 at a time and then back to 24/7). I was with him for 8 years and now, I don't even know him anymore. The past 2-4 years he has been drinking 24/7 and put me through hell. I also wasted so much time and energy trying to fix him. He is truly a shell of a man and it has broken my heart. He is now mean, hateful, and cares about nothing else except drinking. He goes from being mean and hateful to wanting to die.

The lying is the worst-mine also lied about working and where he was all the time. The past few years of this relationship has really only caused me pain, but it has also forced me to evaluate what was acceptable in my life. It's a process and I truly feel if you trust in your HP, you will know what to do. It might take a while, but that's okay. I learned that I cannot be okay with someone who changes personalities when he drunk, lies, and is drunk 24/7. I need more from a relationship.

MAGW

Thank you This girl and Boxinrotz for adding your comments. This is hard. I am wishing I would have waited for him to start making a mess of things instead of doing a preemptive strike. It doesn't seem fair to the relationship to have acted so quickly. I have skimmed like 10 relationship books today and everything else we had was going great. It is only the alcohol. At least if I waited for him to make a mess I would not have had doubts and regret, whereas now I am just not sure I did the right thing. I want to ask him questions about why he did it, what was he thinking, why didn't he go to a meeting, how he thinks he is going to prevent it from getting worse, what is his plan to keep it away from me and work.... but I don't want to contact him and initiate hope on his part if I am unsure if I am prepared to try anything. His birthday is tomorrow - ugh, this is so hard. Just needed to vent here....

dandylion

MAGW---you can find dozens and dozens--if not hundreds of stories on this forum where they DID stay until things got "worse and messy"....and still, even then, stated feelings of doubt---feelings of guilt. It seems to go with the co-dependency nature.

I absolutely feel that you did the right thing for YOU. You are dealing with the disease of alcoholism, here. It serves no purpose for you to endure more misery--just so the rest of the world can see it and declare that it is o.k. to take care of yourself.

You don't need him or anyone else to validate your feelings. You are the one who l ives in y our own skin--and truly knows what you feel inside. You have the responsibility to take care of yourself and protect yourself. You can never have inner peace unless y ou are true to yourself.

dandylion

MAGW

You are awesome Dandylion - Thank you for being so convicted about what you are saying - it kind of feels like what the alcoholic must feel like about taking the drink or not, but for us it is do we stay or not, it is so tempting to stay - your message helped

dandylion

MAGW---you are doing fine. You will be o.k. Just hold steady...to honor your own welfare.

dandylion

LoveMeNow

I waited and it got worse and then got worse. I still had the doubt. What if, if only, it could have been thoughts are still there.

Trauma bonding will keep you stuck. Also, the disease of alcoholism has long tentacles, everyone gets affected. Be thankful you got out now before you couldn't think clearly anymore.

MAGW

I never thought about not being able to think about it clearly the longer it goes on, which is naïve considering I am likely not thinking clearly now, still wondering if we can make it. I need to google trauma bonding...

LoveMeNow

Have you read this yet?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thinking.html

MAGW

I did read it yesterday or today, but I think during this hard time it is good and necessary to reread everything over and over until in sinks in!