Hawk07

Maybe it's because the weather took a drastic turn for the worse and it's dark, cloudy and raining.. Maybe it's because non of my pants fit because of all the boozing over the last few months and just sitting around like a log. Maybe it's because for the first time since Feb today I got a text from my ex...my heart skipped a beat when I saw his number. "Hi, I hope you are well. I just realized I left a couple of books at your place. Can you leave them outside and I'll come pick them up next week, on a day and time that you'll be at work?'
That was it He's told me he never wants to see me again. That living with me, especially towards the end was like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Pure hell.
He was my best friend and confident for over 2 years and I completely destroyed it, even any chance of being friends in the future. I can't apologize any more, all I can do is keep my distance as he requested and work on myself.
I'm just getting nostalgic remembering last years memorial day weekend. We went for a drive to the country, went hiking, had a picnic. It was a beautiful day amongst many with him that I'll never forget. It just really hurts knowing that I can't talk to him, can't see him ever again. Because I still love him all I can do is respect his boundaries and keep my distance.

least

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Can you do something nice for yourself? A special treat?

Hevyn

Hawk I'm so sorry you're feeling low. It won't always feel this raw and painful - things will get better and life will be happy again, just not in the same way.

I'm really glad you're here with us Hawk.

Hawk07

Well it finally stopped raining so I think I'll go for a run. Maybe I'll burn off that peanut I ate yesterday and be one step closer to fitting in my pants.

Hevyn

It's a crummy day here too - was supposed to be sunny & 70. More like raining and 50.

The run sounds like a great idea. Pants will fit eventually - be kind & patient with yourself. You're doing great.

Verte

Awwww. Enjoy your run Hawk...great idea.

Those better be really important books! This is not meant to be unhelpful but the respect for space and boundaries to heal goes both ways.

Hugs to you Hawk.

Aellyce

Hey Hawk,

I'm sorry you are feeling so low right now, the mood swings in the early days can be brutal but all will get better.

Many of us had a version of your break up story - in mine, it was actually me breaking it off with another alcoholic for the sake of both of us' sanity, but I really did not want to and it was very hard for a while. We get over it eventually and can develop much more fulfilling relationships in a sober future when we are actually fully present to it

Hawk07

It's getting easier day by day. They're a couple of books on spirituality that I know are important to him. I think he left them in hopes that i'd read them and they'd help me in some way. Yes, the only way to heal from this is no contact. I'm mean sheesh just one text affected me quite a bit and any emotion I feel lately is intensified and kind of all over the board since quitting drink.

aussieblue

My emotions where all over the place in the early days that's normal and a break up on top is really hard, sorry your going through this. Take care Hawk.

Dee74

I'm glad you feel a little better Hawk. Growth is sometimes painful...but it's worth it

D

EndGameNYC

My story is similar to yours. You wrote that it was "only" the one text that set you off, but what a text it was. A knife straight to the heart. Made me happy that my ex-GF hasn't contacted me since I've gotten sober.

I've kept my distance and respected her boundaries. The heartache came all at once for me, melted into the background of first my drunken, then sober life, and then resurfaced more than a year after I got sober following my relapse. The pain still spikes from time to time, but if I were to continue to live my life as though we were going to be together again, then I'd only be standing still.

It's unlikely she'd even recognize me today, but the good ship reconciliation has long ago sailed into the sunset. I empathize with you and with everyone else who provoked heartbreak in their lives and in the lives of others. I've learned that moving on, living a better life, is the best remedy.

Hawk07

Thank you EndGame,
It was kind of like a knife to the heart, very cold. I'm hoping as I begin to live my new sober life I'll be able to work through the feelings and confusion that drinking myself into a stupor after he left put me in. I know deep down that our ship has sailed and it wasn't meant to be. Time to turn a new page and focus on my relationship with myself for a while

Croissant

Hawk...I really feel for you and feeling the fullness of our emotions sober, is huge. Pat yourself on the back for facing this, working through it....as gut wrenchingly hard as it can be.

EndGame, your post made me cry. Similar situation for me.