New and Seeking Support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Lubbock, Texas
Posts: 2
New and Seeking Support
]Hi all. I am new to the group and came across this site when I Googled "ultimatums to alcoholics."
I am the daughter of an A man, ex wife to an A and currently married to an A. I consider myself a binge drinker, but do not drink often. I have been with my current husband for eight years, married for three.
In the past two years, my husband and I have been in three fights, the last one ended up with me having a black eye and finger prints around my throat. Last night, at a bachelorette party I confronted a woman who had been calling my husband and I wanted to know what the neck she was trying to do with a married man. She told me that they were drunk four years ago and they kissed. I know it's so stupid to say this, but finding out I had been "cheated on" made me more upset than the black eye. My husband always told me that he had never done anything with her and acted as if I were crazy for thinking so. I don't think it ever went farther than a kiss and I'm as sure as I can be that he never did anything with anyone else, but it still hurts. When you are in a relationship, you should be faithful, married or "just" together.
Anyway, my husband is an AMAZING man...when he's sober. He had a medical background and literally saved my father's life a few years back. I love him more than anything on this earth, with the exception of my children and it breaks my heart to think about divorce. I know he loves me, but I can't comprehend hire one would choose a beverage over his family. I don't know if I should stay, leave, divorce or what. I don't want my children friend up thinking this is the norm.
I am the daughter of an A man, ex wife to an A and currently married to an A. I consider myself a binge drinker, but do not drink often. I have been with my current husband for eight years, married for three.
In the past two years, my husband and I have been in three fights, the last one ended up with me having a black eye and finger prints around my throat. Last night, at a bachelorette party I confronted a woman who had been calling my husband and I wanted to know what the neck she was trying to do with a married man. She told me that they were drunk four years ago and they kissed. I know it's so stupid to say this, but finding out I had been "cheated on" made me more upset than the black eye. My husband always told me that he had never done anything with her and acted as if I were crazy for thinking so. I don't think it ever went farther than a kiss and I'm as sure as I can be that he never did anything with anyone else, but it still hurts. When you are in a relationship, you should be faithful, married or "just" together.
Anyway, my husband is an AMAZING man...when he's sober. He had a medical background and literally saved my father's life a few years back. I love him more than anything on this earth, with the exception of my children and it breaks my heart to think about divorce. I know he loves me, but I can't comprehend hire one would choose a beverage over his family. I don't know if I should stay, leave, divorce or what. I don't want my children friend up thinking this is the norm.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
He's given you a black eye and choked you. That's not an amazing man, that's an abuser who will only escalate over time. The drunk man and the not-drinking man are the same person. Are you in Alanon or seeing a therapist? No one deserves to be abused, not even once.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Lubbock, Texas
Posts: 2
Counselor
I am in counseling and have attended two different Al Anon groups, but it didn't help me much...it was about ten years ago though, so I can try again.
I have trouble telling myself that the sober and the A are different...I feel like I am abandoning him if I just divorce. I'm the only one he has left now. I am definitely separating, as soon as I can find a place, but I don't know when it's okay come back. Do I tell him to quit drinking? Does he need to take abuse classes since he's only fought when he's drunk? How long does he need to be sober?
, I've even thought of calling the cops on him when he's leaving the bar so he gets a DWI and to be on probation, but my counselor told me that still wouldn't make him quit.
I have trouble telling myself that the sober and the A are different...I feel like I am abandoning him if I just divorce. I'm the only one he has left now. I am definitely separating, as soon as I can find a place, but I don't know when it's okay come back. Do I tell him to quit drinking? Does he need to take abuse classes since he's only fought when he's drunk? How long does he need to be sober?
, I've even thought of calling the cops on him when he's leaving the bar so he gets a DWI and to be on probation, but my counselor told me that still wouldn't make him quit.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, ExhaustedTexas. There's a lot of experience, strength and wisdom here, and I hope you can benefit from it.
You might want to check out this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html from the stickied threads at the top of the page for starters. Educating yourself about alcoholism is important, so you'll understand what you can and cannot do about it. Reading here is a great way to get started on that.
One of the things you can't do is make the A quit drinking, or for that matter, do anything. He is addicted to alcohol, and only he can decide to fight the addiction. In addition to that, he's an adult and has the right to his own decisions, however poor they may be. The person you do have control over is yourself, and you'll find a lot more good will come of working on you instead of trying to control him.
You mention that you tried Alanon 10 years ago but didn't find much help there. That's OK, some people don't. However, I'd like to suggest you try it again, keeping an open mind as much as you can. Alanon is an excellent resource for education and support. From the tone of your post here, I'd guess that maybe you went to Alanon looking for advice on what to do about your A (and I've done the same!), then felt disappointed when there was virtually no talk about the alcoholic at all. Reading some of their literature might help you understand how they work, and you can find that on Amazon.
I'm not that knowledgeable about the abuse issues, so I'll let others step in to talk about that. I will only say that alcoholism and abuse both will get worse as time passes, and you should seriously consider how to keep yourself safe.
Again, welcome, and please do spend as much time as you can reading here--you are not alone, and you can break the cycle of alcoholism in your life.
You might want to check out this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html from the stickied threads at the top of the page for starters. Educating yourself about alcoholism is important, so you'll understand what you can and cannot do about it. Reading here is a great way to get started on that.
One of the things you can't do is make the A quit drinking, or for that matter, do anything. He is addicted to alcohol, and only he can decide to fight the addiction. In addition to that, he's an adult and has the right to his own decisions, however poor they may be. The person you do have control over is yourself, and you'll find a lot more good will come of working on you instead of trying to control him.
You mention that you tried Alanon 10 years ago but didn't find much help there. That's OK, some people don't. However, I'd like to suggest you try it again, keeping an open mind as much as you can. Alanon is an excellent resource for education and support. From the tone of your post here, I'd guess that maybe you went to Alanon looking for advice on what to do about your A (and I've done the same!), then felt disappointed when there was virtually no talk about the alcoholic at all. Reading some of their literature might help you understand how they work, and you can find that on Amazon.
I'm not that knowledgeable about the abuse issues, so I'll let others step in to talk about that. I will only say that alcoholism and abuse both will get worse as time passes, and you should seriously consider how to keep yourself safe.
Again, welcome, and please do spend as much time as you can reading here--you are not alone, and you can break the cycle of alcoholism in your life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yeah the sober man and the drunk man are one in the same.
Sounds like you have a really good councelor who understands addiction. Sadly a DUI seldom stops any A from drinking.
How long he needs to be sober is forever. If your question is pertaining to how long he needs to be in recovery before you return well……..understand your husband may never choose recovery. Just not drinking is not sufficient for long term sobriety he will need to reprogram his brain in order to have a chance.
You don't need to tell him anything. What you need to do is decide what YOU can and can't live with. This is called boundary setting. If you cannot live with his drinking (as it sounds) then that's your boundary.
As for abuse classes and the like, the core issue is his alcoholism. Unless that is treated nothing else is going to be effective. My advice would be to not be around him while he is drinking. Ever. Certainly do NOT drink yourself.
I also suggest al-anon. Sorry for what you are going through.
Sounds like you have a really good councelor who understands addiction. Sadly a DUI seldom stops any A from drinking.
How long he needs to be sober is forever. If your question is pertaining to how long he needs to be in recovery before you return well……..understand your husband may never choose recovery. Just not drinking is not sufficient for long term sobriety he will need to reprogram his brain in order to have a chance.
You don't need to tell him anything. What you need to do is decide what YOU can and can't live with. This is called boundary setting. If you cannot live with his drinking (as it sounds) then that's your boundary.
As for abuse classes and the like, the core issue is his alcoholism. Unless that is treated nothing else is going to be effective. My advice would be to not be around him while he is drinking. Ever. Certainly do NOT drink yourself.
I also suggest al-anon. Sorry for what you are going through.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Welcome ExhaustedTexas,
I'm sorry for all you're going through, but I'm glad you found Sober Recovery.
You titled your thread New and Seeking Support. You'll find lots of support here, and also at Alanon, if you chose to go back.
I think one of the best things anyone can do, at first, is read, read, read. Read the stickies at the top of the forum pages, read other threads, books, web pages, anything and everything on addiction and codependency. Having had an alcoholic father, you may especially find the forum room on ACOA interesting. The forum rooms for Alcoholics are fantastic as well and if, as you say, you have an issue with binging you'll find a wealth of support there. Join in the conversations. Whether you realize it or not, you already have a wealth of experience to share.
Please take care of yourself. I'm glad you're here.
I'm sorry for all you're going through, but I'm glad you found Sober Recovery.
You titled your thread New and Seeking Support. You'll find lots of support here, and also at Alanon, if you chose to go back.
I think one of the best things anyone can do, at first, is read, read, read. Read the stickies at the top of the forum pages, read other threads, books, web pages, anything and everything on addiction and codependency. Having had an alcoholic father, you may especially find the forum room on ACOA interesting. The forum rooms for Alcoholics are fantastic as well and if, as you say, you have an issue with binging you'll find a wealth of support there. Join in the conversations. Whether you realize it or not, you already have a wealth of experience to share.
Please take care of yourself. I'm glad you're here.
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