this sucks

Old 07-06-2004, 12:47 PM
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Angry this sucks

After a mutual ultimatum to stop her drinking, I left GF 5 weeks ago when she started again. Night after I broke, next morning (8am) I go to pick up my stuff (I lived there) she's having sex with this so called "jerk" that was always "hitting" on her. This was 5 weeks ago. I was so hurt I went to Ark to see sister and parents from Wa. state. I have been going to alanon, I will go back home next week to small town in Wa. I know I'll bump into them both, I am so hurt and angry about this, I know she was seeing him before probably, because earlier in our relationship she would accuse me of infidelities out of left field, and I just thought she was insecure, now I think she was the one doing it. Looking back too many events shed a differant light. How does one do that?, hopping right into the sack with another, I need time to figure out what went on in the relationship.
I think I did the right thing in leaving, because she is verbally abusive, tries to draw me into physical abuse, and does some strange stuff when she's drinking. She constantly flirted and waived right in front of me, even when she was sober, although she claimed she was just being "friendly". Guys would drive by and stop to "talk" to her. I would always give her the benefit of the doubt, I trusted her ; WRONG.
I have not contacted her, I thought she would me by now since that was our usual pattern after a fight, she would apologize, and we would make up.
I fell hard for her "sweet" side, when she's at work everybody loves her, as I did. But Mr. Hyde comes out violently when she's drinking. She quit drinking with a mutual agreement I would leave if she started again. She was sweet for 4 weeks, then slowly she became more beligerant, and started drawing fights, which she has a curious way of turning the blame around to me. In fact I believe she wanted me to brake it off cause she already had this other guy in the wings, who by the way drinks too. I still can't believe she was with him in bed.
The insane thing is I want her to call and ask for me to come back like before, but I know I could never trust a word she said again (this is confusing, I love and hate her at the same time!) She was so sincere, caring and sensitive when she was "sweet", we talked of a future together, but she has this other crude side that has no conscience or something. I am so hurt, betrayed and ANGRY about this I don't know what or who I'm angry at, god, her me?? I have mixed feelings, I want her to hurt as much as I am, she seems to be having her carefree fun. Then I want to let it go, forgive her, forget it and move on, some days are better now, but the obsession comes back with a vengence . I am trying to focus on me, but obviously I have to somehow get rid of this hate and resentment. I've got to quit wanting to punish her, that's god's job if he/she so chooses.

thanks for this forum, I couldn't explain like this anywhere else,
please advise.
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Old 07-06-2004, 12:52 PM
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This obsession isn't healthy. This situation isn't good for you. Let it go. Let the resentment, the revenge go. Move on with your life. Treasure the fond memories and release the pain she caused too. This was an experience and chalk it up to that and learn from it. Continue Al-Anon meetings I would say as you seem to have some codependcy issues.

Bravo to you for leaving. If you bump into her or him....a small smile and a hello is sufficient and just remember that you are choosing a HEALTHY life.
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Old 07-06-2004, 01:08 PM
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Hey Buddy (I just can't call you "doormat", okay?)
You've been hurt badly and it's natural to feel angry about that.
Try to work through your anger as best you can and move on.
Living in that anger isn't good for you, take it from someone who knows.
Why did she do what she did? Because she's sick.
I know that doesn't help much, but it's the truth.
Welcome to Sober Recovery, I'm glad you found us.
Gabe
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Old 07-06-2004, 04:35 PM
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nightowl, gabe, thanks for your input, it really helps to get the support. I need to change
my user name, but I don't know how or where.
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Old 07-08-2004, 08:47 PM
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Hey friend! (I can't call you doormat either.)

Welcome. If you want to change your user name, just pm me or Morning Glory and let us know what you'd like to use and we'll change it for you.
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Old 07-09-2004, 02:07 PM
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Hi,

NOT A DOORMAT! you are better off. Look at it like this her being in bed the very next day with another guy shows how ill she is.

Get yourself well.


Ngaire
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Old 07-09-2004, 05:32 PM
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Hey there new guy.

I have been in your same boat. When people are "using" they will hang out with lower quality people who won't judge them or expect them to be a better person....like that lamer she was badmouthing but sleeping with. I think it also shows she was hurting, missing you. That's why people do that. Whether it's a fling or rebound relationship, it helps ease the pain.

You did the right thing. The pain will ease in time. I myself was hurt for months after a boyfriend who had addiction problems cheated on me.

Focus on you.

giz
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Old 07-09-2004, 09:16 PM
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Thanks a bunch giz and myles, it really helps to hear these perspectives!
NAD
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Old 07-16-2004, 09:45 PM
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Update

Update;
I drove from Arkansas to Seattle this week. I am home now. I talked with my ex's mom who is very nice, and an Alanoner(??) . I found out that the "creep" was in jail and had taken my ex's bankcard and cleaned out her account. She said the ex had been drinking ever since I left 7 weeks ago. Oh well...... Then in a momentary lapse of reason I drove by the ex's house, and she was at the gate looking right at me. I stopped out of curtesy (yeah I do miss the good person in her). She hugged me, and reeked of Vodka (@10 30 AM) and she looked 20 years older, Sooooooo haggard. She said the creep beat her, ect. Oh well........ I feel a little sorry for, her but not much. And, she has a new guy staying with her now, got to keep those enablers coming in. Well, counting me that's 3 guys (that I know of) in the last 8 weeks (take a number please). I think I'm getting the PICTURE! Better get a STD test done.
I am a little lonely on the weekends, that's when we would do things together. But the alanon book "courage to change" says that we can be lonely when we're with others too, and again we can be our own good company. And besides that we have this wonderful forum.

Best to All
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Old 07-16-2004, 11:04 PM
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NAD,

Most righteous post. I also still miss my guy. He needs to make this decision himself. To continue killing himself, potential and life through alcohol abuse or to stop and grow into the person he always talks about he can be. "I'm really intelligent. I have potential"

We must console ourselves that we ARE doing the right thing by not enabling them, and not sticking around (aka detaching).

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Old 07-16-2004, 11:51 PM
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Amen.

carry on.
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Old 07-17-2004, 12:18 AM
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Not sure how to put words of encouragement to such posts.
Thoughts of how I would handle such things wouldn't help *LOL*

So I will just say


WOW! you sure have my respect in how you handled this.
Great job.

And yes to that part about being with someone but still being alone.
Have felt that aloneness in a group of people but when alone in my room and talking with God have felt the room full of life.
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Old 07-17-2004, 07:12 AM
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Hey buddy,
You are not alone. I have momentary lapses of reason all the time.
Let's just be glad they are momentary.
Progress comes one step at a time.
You are moving in the right direction.
Hugs,
Gabe
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Old 07-17-2004, 10:55 AM
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d. m. NOT

Hi and welcome, even through I am late.

Sounds to me like you could use a gaint hug, so one is on the way.

Hopefully you will give yourself the gift of continuing with the meetings. You may not realize it yet but you sound to me like your on your way to recovery.

Those of us who live or have lived with alcoholism certainly understand the good, bad and the ugly behavior. I had to learn the hard way to let it stay their behavior and not become a part of that dance. It hard at times but since there are no mistakes in God's world you are doing pretty well. Once awareness on our part enters we then have the knowledge needed for us to change the things we can, our selves.

Keep posting and look for some fun things you can do on the week-ends. There's no law that says you need to stay at home by yourself unless you make one. I know there are a lot of meetings in your area and there are also a lot of others who are looking for someone to spend time with.

Love and prayers from one who cares.
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Old 07-17-2004, 12:00 PM
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nad-

you do sound like you are doing good. Be gentle with yourself. There are plenty of good people out there and I am sure one of them would be good for you. But, give yourself time it is so easy to get caught in another bad relationship if you go at it tooo soon.
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Old 07-17-2004, 01:18 PM
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Hey there you!! I can't call you a doormat either lol. Many kudos to you for the way you've been handling this, you sound like you have a great head on your shoulders. I know it's hard when you have to be away from someone that you really care about, it hurts when you have to see the way things really are. Because alot of times you don't like what you see. The anger and resentment can be overwhelming, I speak that from my own experience. In the beginning though anger seemed to be the only thing that kept me breathing every day. That can be good in a way, esp in the beginning when the hurt is so raw. Eventually you'll get to a point where you don't want to be so angry and the hurt, although it's still there, it'll be a little easier to take. It takes time though, I'm learning that. Have you considered Alanon? Give a meeting a try, I think you'll really enjoy it. Stay with us and let us know how your doing. We know what your going through, let's help each other.
Hugs! Teggie
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Old 07-17-2004, 01:31 PM
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It's better to be alone than to be with a person and in a situation that drag us down.


Ngaire
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Old 07-17-2004, 08:47 PM
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You guys are wonderful! I feel so supported, and in the right place here.
This weekend is starting fine, I am working around my yard and house, actually doing stuff I put off during my disfunctional relationship. And I am going to Alanon , started 3 weeks ago in Arkansas, met some great people, and went to my first meeting here last night. I now look forward to the meetings (darn, there are'nt any meetings on the weekend here). But there again is this great forum! I must be feeling better, I'm actually thinking about playing my guitar again. Move over Eric Clapton...

Best to all,
NAD (thanks for the hugs)
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Old 07-17-2004, 10:42 PM
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GRATZ!!!! Thats the spirit, I know what you mean about the meetings, it's difficult where I live too. I lurk this forum frequently when I feel restless or just need some reinforcment. Hope to see you here for a long time fella!!!
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Old 07-18-2004, 11:16 PM
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Hello Nad,

I just wanted to welcome you as well! And to let you know your doing a A OK job!!!
We all know how difficult it is to see the ones we care and love destroy themselves. Taking care of ourselves is the most important thing we can do though.We will all heal one day at a time together!

Hugs and Prayers,
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