misskitty4321

My lawyer has the Petition for Divorce ready to file. My AH has made several big realizations since I moved out - that he's addicted to alcohol/pills, that he's been neglecting me throughout the marriage, that he has made me a sadder person, etc. He is willing to go to AA, but he wants more time to work on his addictions before I end our marriage. Everyone in my life says "pull the trigger"... he's not going to change enough for you, and it's just going to be harder to go through all this again next time. But the one recovery alcoholic I know says to give him more time, because his wife almost left him and he was able to turn things around in just a few months and is now 5 years sober. It's stories like that that make me feel like I'm jumping too soon.

misskitty4321

Wanted to supplement - either way I have decided to go to Al-anon. I'm supposed to call a lady tomorrow who has more information for me, and a friend gave me the Al-anon Paths to Recovery book which I've started reading.

ladyscribbler

Does the petition expire, or can you keep it in your pocket and just be separated while you both do some recovery work?
Everyone else doesn't have to live your life, you do. What do you really want?
Been watching Boardwalk Empire. One of the characters says "Flip a coin, while it's in the air you'll know which side you're hoping for."
Heads file the petition, tails give it some time.

allysen

It's a decision only you can make. If you want to wait to file, then wait. This isn't a decision you need to make today, since you already live separate. My advice would be to wait with any decision until you are sure. Al-Anon suggests waiting to make major decisions until you have at least 6 months of Al-Anon under your belt.

For me, I knew that even if my XAH got sober, I would never reunite with him. Too much damage had been done, and I doubted that any time sober would make up for past hurts. And I would never be able to live with the uncertainty of possible relapse. I was in Al-Anon for year before I was able to make this decision. Had a left prior, I would have been leaving in the hopes of just making him get sober and not because I actually wanted to - so it was good to wait the year.

redatlanta

Honest opinion - listen to everyone in your life not the RAH. He is the exception rather than the rule.

If your STBXAH gets sober and works recovery you can always get back together with him.

I would be tired of putting my life on hold.

Either way - good luck.

Hawkeye13

This


If he really does get it together, you can get back together.

But meanwhile, his addiction may very well still be calling the shots for both your lives.

Eddiebuckle

Willing? But hasn't actually gone?

Here's the standard advice given to newcomers to AA: do 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, read the big book, work the steps. If you are willing to give it 90 days and see if he follows through, that's your business. Many people start with a boatload of good intentions, yet other priorities quickly displace all the best laid plans.

Addiction is a full time disease - recovery must be full time to break it. If he cannot make recovery his priority (even higher than your marriage for now), the odds are not good at all.

HopefulinFLA

Listen to your gut MissKitty. What does it tell you to do?

Your RA friend's story is wonderful, I wish we could all be so lucky, but I don't think it's the norm. However, you know your husband, how sincere do you think he is? Are his regrets real, or is this his disease talking?

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best!

misskitty4321

Good insights here. Thanks guys. I do not believe my husband has the will/resolve/determination to get through the work this requires, seeing as how he has been paying a gym membership for 3 years and is too lazy to go inside to QUIT. 90 meetings in 90 days? HA! Laughable. My gut and the coin flip told me to leave.

LoveMeNow

IME, once last chance always translates to - let's keep the status quo.

asm505

This has to be a decision only you can make and I can tell you two weeks ago I was wrestling with the same thing. I know from past experience that my husband will not follow through so I decided to leave. He is currently staying with his sister and I am working on buying my own place. On difficult days I keep my eye on the prize and that is an independent peaceful life with my girls. If eventually that includes a supportive loving partner, then even better. But like others here, there are so many other issues that even IF this was the ONE time that he followed through and quit drinking, it wouldn't really matter. We are so disconnected.

Good luck in your decision and if you decide to go, take it one step at a time.

AnvilheadII

one last chance....never really is....it's just one more in a series of last chances. every time we cave to THEIR demands and requests to just hang in there while THEY get their sh!t together, simply means we enable them to never really do so.

as long as any attempt at recovery is contingent upon someone ELSE doing SOMETHING, it's doomed to fail. anyone truly committed to getting clean and staying clean, FOR LIFE, will do so with the energy of a drowning man reaching for the life preserver. there won't be a lot of TALK or proclamations, no speeches, no promises....they won't have the TIME for that, too busy trying to stay alive.

in my experience over the years with addicts and alcoholics and recovery is this....true recovery, the kind that lasts, is SILENT.

jacrazz

There u have...advise and opinions, especially from folks that haven't had the ending that they wanted done mean squat. We are all responsible for our own path!

misskittyc4321

Bumping - Playing what if.

I thought this might help anyone in a similar situation. This is my original account (I forgot my log-in so I created a similar new user ID). As you can see, I chose to give him a chance. As you might know from recent posts - he was sober for less than 1.5 years, then relapsed and died. It's hard to say whether I should have left in 2014. We went on to have another baby (who is the happiest, easiest baby on the planet and I ADORE him). And leaving back then would have meant custody issues with our daughter, and (assuming death was not 'in the cards' for him), in many ways - that would have been harder.

hopeful4

When custody is a factor, the hard reality is that you have to look at where you live, and what sort of custody agreements are handed out, how the judges view addiction, the list goes on. I understand completely. Children don't have a choice, so you have to put what is best for them in front of everything else, every single time. Problem is, it's hard to know so many times just what is really best.

Hugs to you. I am glad you were blessed with a baby, who sounds wonderful.