First Confrontation in Recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 18
First Confrontation in Recovery
Hi Everyone,
Sorry, I was in the chat room earlier about to share more of what was going on with my ABF and I had to step away to answer the phone. When I came back the chat room had closed so I missed out on all the wonderful advice and encouragement that was being offered.
Earlier today my ABF called from recovery. He gets to make a daily call for 10 mins between 3pm and 9pm. I thought it was strange he called right at 3pm on the dot (he usually calls closer to 5pm).
He said that something I said the previous day was bugging him all night and he had to clarify it as soon as he could.
He said he was upset and insulted that I would say I didn't trust him. What I said was "It's going to take me a while to trust you with my money and my car after all that happened just before you went in to rehab." (A little background: About a week before he went in to recovery he was taking my car in the middle of the night to buy alcohol, and then the week before he went in to recovery he went down in a ball of flames in a hotel room buying alcohol and drinking for a week. Courtesy of my bank account, which he emptied and I was scrambling on a daily basis to keep up with not overdrawing.)
So now he's upset and insulted I wouldn't trust him! WTH!?!
I'm upset and insulted he's upset and insulted with ME!
I rehashed the whole experience in the hotel room above. He says he doesn't remember taking my car in the middle of the night. I told him that was because he was drunk. He says he already apologized for emptying my bank account. I told him that's all well and good but the magic words "I'm sorry" doesn't make everything instantly better.
I told him I wasn't apologizing for saying what I said and I still feel like he's going to be on my watch list when he comes back. Maybe it takes me a week to trust him again, maybe it takes me a year. I don't know. I told him this was all part of the new relationship we were going to have once he's out of recovery. He's going to find I'm a little firmer and less accommodating than before and if he didn't like that then we need to redefine our relationship and possibly part as friends.
He was silent for a moment and said he was entitled to his opinion and I told him that was fine but so was I and that's the way I feel.
Then of course the 10 mins were up and he had to go. So that's where we left it.
I know I'm right, I'm not asking for validation.
If anything I'm pissed he can't see that he needs to work his way back to trust with me.
Sorry, I was in the chat room earlier about to share more of what was going on with my ABF and I had to step away to answer the phone. When I came back the chat room had closed so I missed out on all the wonderful advice and encouragement that was being offered.
Earlier today my ABF called from recovery. He gets to make a daily call for 10 mins between 3pm and 9pm. I thought it was strange he called right at 3pm on the dot (he usually calls closer to 5pm).
He said that something I said the previous day was bugging him all night and he had to clarify it as soon as he could.
He said he was upset and insulted that I would say I didn't trust him. What I said was "It's going to take me a while to trust you with my money and my car after all that happened just before you went in to rehab." (A little background: About a week before he went in to recovery he was taking my car in the middle of the night to buy alcohol, and then the week before he went in to recovery he went down in a ball of flames in a hotel room buying alcohol and drinking for a week. Courtesy of my bank account, which he emptied and I was scrambling on a daily basis to keep up with not overdrawing.)
So now he's upset and insulted I wouldn't trust him! WTH!?!
I'm upset and insulted he's upset and insulted with ME!
I rehashed the whole experience in the hotel room above. He says he doesn't remember taking my car in the middle of the night. I told him that was because he was drunk. He says he already apologized for emptying my bank account. I told him that's all well and good but the magic words "I'm sorry" doesn't make everything instantly better.
I told him I wasn't apologizing for saying what I said and I still feel like he's going to be on my watch list when he comes back. Maybe it takes me a week to trust him again, maybe it takes me a year. I don't know. I told him this was all part of the new relationship we were going to have once he's out of recovery. He's going to find I'm a little firmer and less accommodating than before and if he didn't like that then we need to redefine our relationship and possibly part as friends.
He was silent for a moment and said he was entitled to his opinion and I told him that was fine but so was I and that's the way I feel.
Then of course the 10 mins were up and he had to go. So that's where we left it.
I know I'm right, I'm not asking for validation.
If anything I'm pissed he can't see that he needs to work his way back to trust with me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
man sister...you got some serious backbone! a lot of loved ones when their addict is in treatment tread so lightly in fear of somehow wrecking the whole thing that they dare not speak their truth.
you did. there is no excuse for anyone to "take" our car - end up at a hotel - drain the account. and you are right, I"M SORRY doesn't cut it. you want trust???? EARN IT. show me.
my husband and I are now 7 going on 8 years out of crack cocaine addiction. I was ready to be done sooner than he...and I remember him being out and checking the bank account and watching wd after wid until I finally shifted money out of harms way and left like $23 in the account. he spent about $300 and he and his buddy finally did track down some coke...he rolled in about 3 am.
I already had a bag packed. he said where are you going? I said, as far away from YOU as I can get......I stayed gone a few hours, figured he'd pass out eventually. when I got home, I did go check his car....found all the atm receipts and the small bag of coke left....I put them all in a stack on the kitchen counter. and went QUIET.
in my mind I was ready to go. go as in get my own place, leave him to do whatever. he could do whatever he wanted....wasn't my concern...what was my concern is not having coke/crack be a part of MY life anymore. and if he was gonna keep using, I simply could not be there. for ME.
defying the odds, I am happy to say that today we are both clean. we own a home together. hell we just spent $6000 in CASH and financed $5 grand to get our damn roof repaired. us former crackheads sat with $3000 in cash in our home and never once were tempted to "get some." OR go to Hawaii!
addicts either get it or they don't. they either choose a life drug-free or they don't. they either get busy living functional productive lives or they don't. full recovery IS possible. but I would not have put money on me or hank getting thru to the other side when we were caught up in crack.
recovery looks like recovery. when they are dead set serious there is no confusion.
you did. there is no excuse for anyone to "take" our car - end up at a hotel - drain the account. and you are right, I"M SORRY doesn't cut it. you want trust???? EARN IT. show me.
my husband and I are now 7 going on 8 years out of crack cocaine addiction. I was ready to be done sooner than he...and I remember him being out and checking the bank account and watching wd after wid until I finally shifted money out of harms way and left like $23 in the account. he spent about $300 and he and his buddy finally did track down some coke...he rolled in about 3 am.
I already had a bag packed. he said where are you going? I said, as far away from YOU as I can get......I stayed gone a few hours, figured he'd pass out eventually. when I got home, I did go check his car....found all the atm receipts and the small bag of coke left....I put them all in a stack on the kitchen counter. and went QUIET.
in my mind I was ready to go. go as in get my own place, leave him to do whatever. he could do whatever he wanted....wasn't my concern...what was my concern is not having coke/crack be a part of MY life anymore. and if he was gonna keep using, I simply could not be there. for ME.
defying the odds, I am happy to say that today we are both clean. we own a home together. hell we just spent $6000 in CASH and financed $5 grand to get our damn roof repaired. us former crackheads sat with $3000 in cash in our home and never once were tempted to "get some." OR go to Hawaii!
addicts either get it or they don't. they either choose a life drug-free or they don't. they either get busy living functional productive lives or they don't. full recovery IS possible. but I would not have put money on me or hank getting thru to the other side when we were caught up in crack.
recovery looks like recovery. when they are dead set serious there is no confusion.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: acceptance
Posts: 126
Wow - I wish I would have had our back bone the first time my A went to rehab.
I finally got that back bone the 3rd time he went but by then I am sure all he heard was blah blah blah. Well that and the door slamming behind me!
I finally got that back bone the 3rd time he went but by then I am sure all he heard was blah blah blah. Well that and the door slamming behind me!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I have to agree that once trust has been broken or damaged, it does not magically reappear. You have every right to not trust him with your car or money. He has not proven that he can yet be trustworthy in regard to either.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 18
Thanks for the replies.
Yes, he's a bit emotionally immature. I was hoping he would "grow up" in recovery and come to realize that other people have feelings and opinions too.
I did dance around his recovery by making sure I didn't make too many waves at first. But now I think is a good time to ease in to the "reality" of it all.
I think he wants to listen and discuss but he doesn't have the social tools for it. All he knows is when he disagrees with someone he's supposed to get angry and yell. But he gets caught off guard when he does it with me because I refuse to get angry and yell back. So, I hear a lot of "I'm listening, and I'm trying to process that" when we talk.
He did say he loved me before he got off the phone. So, I took that as a good sign.
Yes, he's a bit emotionally immature. I was hoping he would "grow up" in recovery and come to realize that other people have feelings and opinions too.
I did dance around his recovery by making sure I didn't make too many waves at first. But now I think is a good time to ease in to the "reality" of it all.
I think he wants to listen and discuss but he doesn't have the social tools for it. All he knows is when he disagrees with someone he's supposed to get angry and yell. But he gets caught off guard when he does it with me because I refuse to get angry and yell back. So, I hear a lot of "I'm listening, and I'm trying to process that" when we talk.
He did say he loved me before he got off the phone. So, I took that as a good sign.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Yes, trust needs to be earned back and that may take a very long time. There's a big difference between trusting someone and believing in them. Trust puts an expectation on someone that especially during active addictions or early recovery sets one up for failure. If that trust is broken, then one person has failed and the other is disappointed. For my husband and I, we are taking care not to use the word trust for now. It doesn't have to be said. It will grow in time, or it won't.
What we learned in rehab is that belief in somebody is different. Even when I screw up or he does, it's okay to believe in each other. Belief in our worth or ability. We still both have the responsibility to take care of ourselves first, but believing in each other is okay if it's there. It doesn't have the expectations that trust does and is completely different than "believing" what they're saying is true. Listen to his actions, not his words.
Kudos to him for being at the recovery center. The first stages of recovery are a hard time with the brain and body trying to adapt to not having alcohol. There's a lot going on physically and mentally. When I started reading about Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS), that helped a lot. I add that to my reading list quite often, since it's often ongoing during the first 1-2 years of recovery.
Do they have a family program for you to attend and have you been to Alanon yet? It's a great place to be for us, for our recovery.
Wishing both of you the best of luck.
What we learned in rehab is that belief in somebody is different. Even when I screw up or he does, it's okay to believe in each other. Belief in our worth or ability. We still both have the responsibility to take care of ourselves first, but believing in each other is okay if it's there. It doesn't have the expectations that trust does and is completely different than "believing" what they're saying is true. Listen to his actions, not his words.
Kudos to him for being at the recovery center. The first stages of recovery are a hard time with the brain and body trying to adapt to not having alcohol. There's a lot going on physically and mentally. When I started reading about Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS), that helped a lot. I add that to my reading list quite often, since it's often ongoing during the first 1-2 years of recovery.
Do they have a family program for you to attend and have you been to Alanon yet? It's a great place to be for us, for our recovery.
Wishing both of you the best of luck.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi ghostly, you say you don't need validation and I agree with you as your POV was reasonable and completely understandable. Even more than that, it's the sort of reality he's going to have to come to terms with during and after rehab.
If the rehab is effective and he's on board, I'm sure you words will be valuable to him.
If the rehab is effective and he's on board, I'm sure you words will be valuable to him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 18
Thanks everyone.
I am staying strong and holding to my position.
The more I think about it, I wonder what he expected me to say after he said "I'm really upset and insulted that you would say you didn't trust me." ?
Was I supposed to say "Oh, I'm sorry... I didn't mean it that way."?
Pffftttt!!! Really?!?
I learned after my first marriage -- No one holds you hostage unless you let them.
I am staying strong and holding to my position.
The more I think about it, I wonder what he expected me to say after he said "I'm really upset and insulted that you would say you didn't trust me." ?
Was I supposed to say "Oh, I'm sorry... I didn't mean it that way."?
Pffftttt!!! Really?!?
I learned after my first marriage -- No one holds you hostage unless you let them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by ghostlyvision 
Yes, he's a bit emotionally immature. I was hoping he would "grow up" in recovery and come to realize that other people have feelings and opinions too.
Keep doing what you are doing, be honest and straight with your perspective and needs. You should also consider whether it's wise to continue the relationship where it left off when he completes his six months. He should focus on recovery, not a new relationship. His life depends on it. A hiatus might do a lot of good in the long run.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Hey GV -- Good for you.
It will take MONTHS before you know what you have on your hands after Rehab.
I would suggest that you let it take those months, and MEANWHILE -- YOU work on YOU. Alanon, The Steps, a Sponsor. The whole Enchilada.
That way:
IF he does turn out to be cleaned up, there is also a cleaned up you.
And IF he turns out to NOT be cleaned up, there is a cleaned up you.
Nothing but WIN in that for you.
Good job on not picking up nor taking delivery on an A's crap.
It will take MONTHS before you know what you have on your hands after Rehab.
I would suggest that you let it take those months, and MEANWHILE -- YOU work on YOU. Alanon, The Steps, a Sponsor. The whole Enchilada.
That way:
IF he does turn out to be cleaned up, there is also a cleaned up you.
And IF he turns out to NOT be cleaned up, there is a cleaned up you.
Nothing but WIN in that for you.
Good job on not picking up nor taking delivery on an A's crap.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 18
Eddiebuckle you are certainly correct. I do need to be patient with him and realize he's not going to be a whole person in 90 days.
And your perspective on relationships is certainly a new one. I did tell him that I was reading that relationships do change after rehab and he said to stop reading. LOL
He really is in love with me but I think he just needs to catch up with the skills he needs to handle a relationship.
And your perspective on relationships is certainly a new one. I did tell him that I was reading that relationships do change after rehab and he said to stop reading. LOL
He really is in love with me but I think he just needs to catch up with the skills he needs to handle a relationship.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 18
Hey Hammer.
Maybe I am missing something obvious? What am I supposed to be working on? I need to go to meetings too? A sponsor? Really?
Ok, I admit it. I did enable him while he was here. But now I see what I did and that won't happen again.
I said it before in another post..... I think the life lesson from the first husband was to learn to talk the talk. I think the life lesson from this person is to walk the walk.
Maybe I am missing something obvious? What am I supposed to be working on? I need to go to meetings too? A sponsor? Really?
Ok, I admit it. I did enable him while he was here. But now I see what I did and that won't happen again.
I said it before in another post..... I think the life lesson from the first husband was to learn to talk the talk. I think the life lesson from this person is to walk the walk.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by ghostlyvision
Hey Hammer.
Maybe I am missing something obvious? What am I supposed to be working on? I need to go to meetings too? A sponsor? Really?
Ok, I admit it. I did enable him while he was here. But now I see what I did and that won't happen again.
I said it before in another post..... I think the life lesson from the first husband was to learn to talk the talk. I think the life lesson from this person is to walk the walk.
Maybe I am missing something obvious? What am I supposed to be working on? I need to go to meetings too? A sponsor? Really?
Ok, I admit it. I did enable him while he was here. But now I see what I did and that won't happen again.
I said it before in another post..... I think the life lesson from the first husband was to learn to talk the talk. I think the life lesson from this person is to walk the walk.
Paraphrasing Ricky -- You gots lotta learning to do, Lucy.
Joking with you, but yeah.
You would not be in here (in the Lifeboat) if the Boat were all Ship Shape. Just saying that for some early awareness for you. After some acceptance settles in, you will figure that out for yourself, so no rush at all.
But flash-forward to the Big Happy Ending ALL (yeah all) of us dream about. That does not tend to happen UNLESS -- They are working THEIR Program, and We are working OUR Program.
You two may be the 1 in 2000000 or so that does not apply to . . . oh wait, no, you are not.
So yeah. You gotta lotta learning to do. It is fun, and good stuff once you settle into it. And you will come out much better for it. So dive in. The water is fine.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hammer----I just love the picture of Ricky Ricardo. This was actually taken during a music appreciation course (percussion instruments) while working on himself for his co-dependency. (this has been under-reported).
dandylion
dandylion
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