bellanoviella

So this is a new life to me.. When I started dating my boyfriend I knew he had a past with drugs. His sister was an addict, she OD'd and died when he was 14, his dad died when he was 7 (not drug related), his brother was an addict and has now been clean for 11 years. And my boyfriend is a heroin addict. He had been clean for almost a year and half when I met him. He was very active in NA and seemed to truly want to stay on the right path (even though being on drug court I'm sure had something to do with him staying straight). He even spoke at rehabs just because he wanted to.. He says he wanted to "give back what was so freely given to him" and that's why he enjoyed it.

Him and I are extremely good together, I could honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with this man.. We recently moved in together (been almost 2 months now) and when that happened he relapsed (he is no longer on drug court). He was lying about where he was, what he was doing, etc. and whenever I came home from work and he was high it was very obvious. I just knew. He seemed to use every 3-4 days for about a month and a half. I can not describe the feeling that overcame me every time I saw him high.. Every time it happened I would ask him if he was high, and he'd lie, and I would get so furious.. I am not an idiot.. I know that you are.. After prying it out of him, he'd finally come clean and tell me, but that he wasn't going to do it anymore because he didn't want that life again. I truly believe he wants to stay clean but that is a horrible addiction to try to overcome. A little over a week ago he was high and I simply couldn't take it anymore.. I started packing to leave. I can not stand watching him sit there and nod out, constantly itch and fidget, and not be the person I know and love. I didn't sign up for this. I can not watch him destroy himself. I've had 2 close friends of mine OD and die from just a 10 bag of heroin, I can not watch the same thing happen to the person that I am in love with.. He finally poured it all out on the table, he told the truth about any drug related lies he had told, how he hates that he's let this devil back in to his life, he doesn't want to lose me or this beautiful life that he's built for himself..

So he was clean for 6 days after that and then relapsed again.. Now he says that HE KNOWS he wants to get clean and do better, he says he is wholeheartedly in it this time and is HAPPY about getting clean.. That is something he hasn't felt during this past month and a half (it was just something he knew he should do). Every time he says he wants to get clean I believe him, because I know he doesn't want to live this life, but this time it feels real.. Or at least I want to believe it's real. He even gave me the 20 bag that he had left so he didn't have it in his possession anymore. He's being brutally honest about everything now. He told me he's used the past 2 days a little bit just enough to wean himself off of it so he doesn't get sick. I know withdrawal is a real thing, so I'm sure that is necessary so he doesn't get sick and need to use..

I guess why I'm here is I wonder what I can do to help him? He was at his breaking point 3 days ago when he told me he's done and happy about getting clean, he told me he NEEDS my help and that he needs me on his team.. Any time he's used and I find out I get SO ANGRY, I'm extremely hostile and mean because I don't like what it's doing to him.. I hate that he's allowed it to come back in to his life.. I know that isn't the right approach I should be taking.. Especially now that everything is out on the table and he's asking for help. I want to be there for him and do whatever it takes to help him STAY clean. I debated on leaving him because I don't think I can go for the rest of my life wondering and worrying when the next relapse will happen.. I think of long term situations with him because we are that good together, like I said, I could absolutely see myself spending the rest of my life with him, with the REAL him, not the addict that is screaming to get out.. I would drive myself insane if this kept happening. But I want to stay and help more than I want to run and leave because I know there is still hope. I want my old boyfriend back. What can I do? I asked him this morning how he feels since it is the 1st day completely off of it, no more weaning down, just purely sober. He says he feels great, he still is happy about staying clean and he's looking forward to his bright future.. I'm just afraid "the devil that claws at his chest" (as he considers it) will come back and haunt him again.

AnvilheadII

hi and welcome. you're in a tough spot....for sure. heroin addiction is one mean hombre and it doesn't let people go without a fight. but it's THEIR fight. there really isn't much WE can do to help them not use....even if we chain them to the radiator and take all their money, an addict intent on using will find a way.

it's day one. I think i'd hold off on the parade just yet. remember he said he had over a year before and still choose to use again - right after he moved in and got off drug court. i'm not saying that he does not have the desire to stay clean....this might be his turning point. might be.

best you can do is decide now just how much more nonsense you are willing to put up with. if he uses again tomorrow is that it? if he stays clean 3 weeks and then uses again? knowing your own limits is your best defense. you said you were packing to go at one point. the more relapses you talk yourself into "working thru" the less likely you are to make use of the option to go. with addicts our normal starts changing, and suddenly we're being handed a bag of heroin to get rid of. did you ever think that would be you?

try to keep your own life as sane and on track as possible. don't let it derail in the effort to help HIM and lose yourself. live a good healthy life - for yourself and for him to see what life without drugs can be like....he may see the lesson.

bellanoviella

Thank you.. And that's what I'm struggling with. Not knowing when enough with be enough. I knew getting in to this that there would be a possibility of relapse. I happens every day, even to people who have been clean 20+ years.. It's an extremely hard situation and hard choice. I want to be there for him, but you're 100% right. I have been going about my daily life as normal, so that's good I guess..

terryr97

I was where you are now. I heard all that your bf is saying. I swore my love could save him until I was a broken, angry shell. I don't know at what point I lost my sanity in that whole mess, but I did and I'm still not over it. I miss him because I love him, but I'm not waiting for the other shoe to drop again for the thousandth time.i went from happy, joyous and free to angry, not trusting, paranoid and miserable.

I only tell you this because your love can't change anything and addicts are lying manipulators. They'll shred your love, use it against you, whatever they have to do to get high. In my opinion, I'd say run away while you still can and let him get clean on his own. Then maybe you can try again. Good luck.

barefoottoday

Bellanoviella, i know exactly where you're coming from and my heart goes out to you! You sound very level headed, even if you aren't sure at this point what to do. And you sound like you haven't lost yourself in the mess, which is great.

I won't hijack your thread, but I'll tell you where I'm at...my boyfriend is also a heroin addict, we live together (though he is staying at his mom's right now because I told him to leave after his last relapse), he says he wants to get clean. I have stuck with him through a relapse in November (2 days), a relapse on April 14th, April 30th, and then these past 2 or so weeks of daily struggle. This last one, what is going on now, had my head spinning like I couldn't believe. I could barely function! I still don't know exactly what I'm going to do, but I'm coming here and feeling supported, trying Al-Anon again, making sure to focus on myself and having healthy boundaries, etc. I can't control his behavior, can't make his choices. I can only decide for me.

I feel just like you do...I knew this was all a possibility. But now what? How many times will we go through this? How many times could we take it? Is this the life we want? So many questions to ask ourselves.

I'm sorry for not offering any real advice...I guess just know you aren't alone! Sending hugs your way.

atalose

anvilheadII makes an excellent point. The more relapses we talk ourselves into working thru the less we will make use of the option to leave.

If I could go back 10 years to his first relapse with all the knowledge and understanding of addiction and addict behavior that I have today I would have:

Removed myself from the relationship with the strength of not accepting an active addict in my life.

I would never have just believed his words that he wants recovery. I would have the strength and courage to hold out to actually witness his recovery for sometime before ever allowing him back into my life. And mean more then 30 days.

I would know that love doesn't heal an addict and often Codie love (my issues) can enable their addiction.

My experience would tell you that, there are certain paths we cannot take. I know,because I came from there.

But this journey of addiction you will want and need to experience for yourself.

Love cannot heal, fix, mend, repair or want to make an addict get clean. Addiction isn't a disease of willpower it's a disease of instinct. It lives in the part of their brain that tells them to breath.

atalose

You cope by educating yourself about addiction. You learn about addict behavior and you keep reaching out for help, guidence and understanding. You allow him the respect to focus on himself and either do or not do what he chooses to do

And you give yourself respect by focusing on you and your needs. You accept that righ
now and maybe never, he can't meet those needs because he has too many of his own.

KeepinItReal

My husband is a recovering addict. He dragged me through hell - yet I forgive him. So far - every time. He gets chance after chance.

You can read through some of my beginning posts to see how terrible it is... yet, I don't leave him. I don't think my love can save him but I know my love for myself can save me.

I live my life with what-if's.

SeekingGrowth

Hi, Bellanoviella. I had a son who was a heroin addict who passed away two years ago. Since that time, I have done a lot of volunteer work at treatment facilities and spend much of my free time working and learning in this area. My focus tends to be heroin and opiates, given my personal experience with my son. I also currently have a young heroin addict living with me (has been the case for about a month) who will be entering an inpatient rehab program on June 2nd. Based on this experience, I offer the following advice, and have a couple of questions.

First, you say numerous times in your post that he has "come clean" now, is being "brutally honest," etc. I doubt it, and you are setting yourself up for feeling betrayed, hurt and angry by believing this is so. People in active addiction lie - it goes with the territory. It is HIGHLY unlikely that he is being honest with you about his use. He is telling you, perhaps, as much as he dares, but he most likely can't bring himself to tell you the full truth, due to fear, shame, and possibly his own self-deception. Openly admitting the full extent, saying it out loud and seeing your reaction, makes it more real, and he probably doesn't want to have to look that reality full in the face. He is most likely minimizing, and is (and has been) using more than he is admitting, perhaps much more. I also question whether in fact he has one day sober - a couple things don't ring true. So he used "just a little" the two days before to "wean himself off"? HIGHLY unlikely - tapering with heroin? Not something an active addict can do.

Second - today is his first day sober, and he's feeling "great, happy to be sober, looking forward to his bright future"? Sounds like he's high to me. This is NOT how someone who has been using even the amounts your boyfriend is admitting to should be feeling on his first day sober. An opiate addict does NOT feel "great" on his first sober day.

What has happened to his attendance at NA meetings, his speaking at rehab facilities? Is he still doing that? In my experience, it is hard for someone who is actively using to go to the meetings or engage in those type of activities. Too much shame and hypocrisy in it. If he's avoiding those types of things now, after having enjoyed them so much before for all the reasons he told you, he's probably still using.

Your boyfriend may very well want to get clean again. He maybe being totally honest and real when he says that to you. But heroin is really TOUGH to get clean from, and given the amount of time your boyfriend has been using now (and assume that he's been using more than he has told you), he may not be able to get clean on his own. He may need a stint in rehab to give himself some weeks with no access to the drug in order to jump-start the process again. It can be so tough to try to do it on your own, still living in the same environment, surrounded by all the temptations and triggers, with money and access to the drug.

You need to decide what your boundaries are. It's not easy to draw the line between support and enabling behavior, and it is very easy to get sucked into the idea that you can "save" him, and to find yourself doing much more work on his recovery than he is doing. It happens to so many of us who love an addict, and it is an incredibly destructive place to be emotionally. When you take a "tough" stance, maybe deciding to move out for awhile, do it because you are protecting yourself, not because you are trying to manipulate him into doing this or that because that's the road to the crazy train. And try not to take his deceptive behavior personally - try not to be hurt by it. It's what addicts do. That doesn't make it OK, not at all, and you should have very limited patience in dealing with it. But hopefully realizing this will help you to make rational decisions without anger that will protect yourself and not enable him.

cleaninLI

Hi belle seekinggrowth makes a very good point, if this is day 1 without H he would be feeling miserable. Read thru some of the sub abuse section about people detoxing off of opiates. Days one thru days 7 or 8 are no picnic. No one is happy to be off Opiates during those days. If he doesn't seem sick and miserable there is something he's not telling you. I gave up pills a lot to prove a point to my husband.....to prove I wasn't using.....but I had twice that amount hidden.

Seekinggrowth is also right about assuming that he's being completely honest with you.....he can't be completely honest.....it isn't because he doesn't love you enough....it isn't because he wants to hurt you.....it isn't personal at all. It's the nature of addiction. He isn't even completely truthful to himself. I speak from experience. I lied to each and everyone of my family members but most of all to myself! It wasn't until I went into recovery was I able to be honest.....even that takes time....it doesn't happen completely at day 1.

I think that's commendable that you want to be there for him....but please understand he needs outside support as well. Perhaps you can encourage him to get back into NA....it looks like it was working for him.

Good luck and my prayers going up for you and your boyfriend!

bellanoviella

Its okay that you didnt have any advice for me. Maybe we can chat and offer something to each other to help us.. So far it's been great since he wants to get clean this time. But I know that it may not last forever. He was clean for almost 2 years before, I know he can do it again! It's just hard to have hope when this last month has been a living hell. It didn't get to the point of where he's lying and stealing from me.. So I guess that's good.. I just want my man back! =/

bellanoviella

SeekingGrowth - He has been happy to be clean.. Today being day number 2.. I can tell by his actions and I know in his heart he WANTS it this time.. Whether that will last, I don't know. He still regularly attends NA meetings, almost every day. Even the days he was getting high and he would call to tell his sponsor, they still went to the meetings together. He, however, has not spoken at rehab facilities in a while. He says he used a "little bit" to wean himself off because if not he WOULD be sick and experience those feelings of withdrawal. I have a great job and i'm doing great in school, my life so far has not changed. I know that my love can't save him, but when he reached his breaking point and asked for my help, for me to be on his team, I want to offer him that.

barefoottoday

How are things Bella?
My boyfriend is trying to get clean as well. He slept for maybe 15 hours last night and is planning on getting suboxene to avoid withdrawals being bad, not sure how bad they will be. Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about this. My mom was on subutex/suboxene for like 4 years while she took care of my grandfather, so I'm familiar with it. I'm just being cautious.

Heroin really is the devil. I'm trying not to harbor any illusions.

I am going to try Al-Anon again tmrw night, and I'm looking forward to it. Have you ever tried Al-anon Bella? You sound like you're taking care of yourself through all this. Make sure you keep doing that

bellanoviella

Thanks for checking on my barefoottoday! Things so far have been great.. I've been with him every day and he seems happy, he's keeping himself busy and trying to get back in to his normal daily routine.. Hoping for the best! I have not been to an Al-Anon or Ar-Anon meeting, but I've been told it would be beneficial to me. I think the only one in my area is on Friday nights, so I was thinking of checking it out this week.

barefoottoday

I'm lucky that there are a fair number of Al-Anon meetings around, only one Nar-anon in the whole area here, but I'm thinking of checking that out too. It's worth trying out...I've gone to some really small meetings-literally only 4 people there!-so I stopped going, but I'm giving it a try again at a different place.

I hope things continue to go well for you...this is an awful thing to deal with. I certainly don't want to sound negative, but I guess I'm surprised your boyfriend would be so up and out and about after having used so long, whether it was on and off or not. And I know from what my boyfriend and others have told me, that devil doesn't just let go. I was around, his daughter was around, he had work...yet still he used. Like he said, nothing stops him but him.

Anyways, praying for you, hoping for the best!

Txhelp

barefoottoday....the other posters have some good messages and information. I really have nothing to add.

You take care of you and keep trying meetings. This is a difficult monkey to get off your back (heroin)! Not easy.

If they are using they are lying! 100%

barefoottoday

Txhelp, you are so right, to focus on taking care of me. Sometimes that's so hard to do, but I believe it gets easier the more we do it, right? So many people here seem to have found a sense of peace and a calmness, and the ability to just send out good feelings of understanding and caring. I'm so grateful for that. It really helps to know I'm not alone.

Txhelp

You are not alone....sadly. The peace, for many of us, has been a process. It takes time...

I won't lie that it has taken me years to get to where I am today. Sometimes, my peace, goes down the toilet with one flush. Other times I feel strong.

I never regret getting help and focusing on the hard work that I needed-for myself!

You can do this barefoottoday!

barefoottoday

thanks for the words of encouragement Tx. (Sorry to sort of hijack your thread Bella)

bellanoviella

I don't mind you hijacking my thread lol. It's so refreshing to have someone to talk to going through this. This site has helped tremendously. If you'd like, we should email.. You know whenever things get rough vent about it, or just someone to give updates to, would be nice maybe? I tried private messaging you but I haven't made 25 posts yet (I just joined)