Notices

2 days sober

Old 05-23-2014, 10:46 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 9
2 days sober

Hi everyone, I hope you're all doing great today.

I just came out of a two day assisted withdrawal at hospital, today actually. This afternoon. It was a horrible yet worthwhile experience and i met many people there who were very supportive, non-judgemental and people who I now don't want to let down. I want to start off on the right foot and whilst I will be exploring other avenues of support I have been sitting this afternoon reading as much as I can and stumbled across this forum.

To be honest I joined up and am writing this to you now more to get it down on paper and have people who know what it feels like read it.

I am 31 and have been drinking since i was 14. I do not drink every day but when I do I just cannot stop. I will drink as much as i can as quickly as I can for as long as I can and without eating until I just pass out. I will continue this process for days/weeks until my body physically starts rejecting alcohol. When I am binging it is the first thing I do in the morning and the last thing I do before I go to sleep. I will vomit many times, I will drink alone if no-one wants to join me(or if I have to leave work for a straightener), I will spend hours in the pub by myself with my headphones in just drinking. I will gamble to ridiculous excess, just because I know I can sit there by myself until 7am with a beer, whisky, vodka, whatever and it is not that out of place looking. I've wet the bed many times, I shake like no-one's business. I even shat myself last year... at my parent's house... on their couch.

I was on a ten day binge which had ended for about 7 hours when I admitted myself to A&E two days ago. I was trying to drink water but it was coming straight back up. I was vomiting blood, shaking far more than usual on a withdrawal and had missed work for the previous 3 days.

The problem is I KNOW, just KNOW, that in a few days I'll be feeling fine again and I'll think to myself, ach it's fine to meet the lads in the pub for a few beers, it'll be fine. Then I'll find myself in this position again if not in a few weeks then in a few months.

I just hate that drinking is so ingrained into the culture here(Scotland) that all my friends, colleagues, family etc if I am meeting them there will be alcohol available and being consumed in some capacity, be that with a meal, pub, cinema, friend's house, hell there's even 4pm Friday drinks in my work's kitchen as a team building exercise.

Sometimes, all the time really, I feel it's just easier to accept that I am an alcoholic binge drinker and that will lead to the occassional screw up at work, the occassional injury, the financial troubles, the letting people down or whatever because everything around me involves alcohol in some capacity. Hell you get heckled somewhat here if you decline a drink.

I honestly just don't know what my next steps should be. I've been here before many times and always i go back to it and a lot of times it will be ok, the binge will coincidentally end on a Saturday or a Sunday and I'll make it to work on the Monday, or I'll make it to work still but I'll go for a few during the day, then a few at night and fall asleep and wake up ok for work.

I just don't know. I can feel myself worried about it being the weekend as I sit here, at my parent's house(who are on holiday), knowing that I have to replace 12 bottles of cider, a bottle of vodka and a bottle of gin for them before they come back tomorrow and then I know I have to go back to my flat which is a mess, covered in empty booze bottles and all the crap that goes with it. I don't want to be marginalised but I also can't go on like this. If I could re-learn my relationship with alcohol I'd just love to, and have been trying to for so long, but it looks like I'm failing, and both of the options scare me at present.

Anyway if you've read this far thank you, if nothing else it was good for me to write this down as I never have before. Thanks again.
DeterminedNow is offline  
Old 05-23-2014, 10:52 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
FreeOwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Welcome.

You sound like you've been through the wringer hard with this stuff.... and the pattern of binge and regret and then try to stop and then feel better and go right back at it is familiar to me, as it will be to a lot of people here.

Also the comments on the availability, the getting heckled for not drinking, the culture. All of that is stuff I also struggled with. Whether working in the UK with hard-drinking colleagues, hanging in Australia with mates, or right here in my hometown in small-town America; it's everywhere.

But it's totally possible to hang out and have fun and live life - even more richly than you ever dreamed - without the terrible plague of alcohol bringing you down.

This is a good place to turn for support in staying on track. AA would be another good pillar of support in an active sobriety plan. I wish I'd got onto that path when I was your age instead of carrying it on another ten years.

Frankly - from what you describe, I'm not sure you'd have another ten years in you with the level of trauma you're dealing your body. Hang out here with us and discover the joy and the beauty that life has to offer all on its own without the poison.
FreeOwl is offline  
Old 05-23-2014, 10:55 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Realising my life
 
HeadLump's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
Welcome to SR, DeterminedNow You've come to a great place for support and accountability. Read lots, post lots and remember how you feel now. Believe me, life on the other side is so worth it
HeadLump is offline  
Old 05-23-2014, 11:01 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 9
Thank you for your reply. I actually had two friends come to visit me and I told them. I've never told anyone before. They're both drinking buddies one of whom sells wine and drinks it every day. The other, were it not for his 9 year old daughter, would be a heavy drinker also. Neither of them drink to my level when I binge though, both of whom find it crazy that I can drink first thing in the morning.

I think I need to find a girlfriend who doesn't drink, but even that is hard as I dislike unstructured social situations in which I cannot drink.

I have always had shaky hands, but they are worse amongst lots of people. It's anxiety. But I mean what else do you do when a quick couple of drinks will steady your hands and allow you to be more conversational and interested.
DeterminedNow is offline  
Old 05-23-2014, 11:02 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
pray for strength
 
Verte's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Hi Determinednow and welcome to posting on the forum

I second headlumps suggestions. Writing things down really helps to see things more clearly. Writing here offers a perspective that cannot be achieved on your own.

You are not alone in this!!

Verte is offline  
Old 05-23-2014, 11:03 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by HeadLump View Post
Welcome to SR, DeterminedNow You've come to a great place for support and accountability. Read lots, post lots and remember how you feel now. Believe me, life on the other side is so worth it
Thank you as well. I'm actually feeling quite emotionally drained from writing that and also from the hospital time, so I think I am going to do exactly that -- take stock and read some other people's stories.
DeterminedNow is offline  
Old 05-23-2014, 11:04 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by LeTheVerte View Post
Hi Determinednow and welcome to posting on the forum

I second headlumps suggestions. Writing things down really helps to see things more clearly. Writing here offers a perspective that cannot be achieved on your own.
thank you

[/quote]
You are not alone in this!!

[/QUOTE]

it has always felt this way, which i think is a huge part of my problem and allowed me to submit for so many years.
DeterminedNow is offline  
Old 05-24-2014, 09:12 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 9
Day 3 has been mixed, but ultimately a good one. A lot of positives. I went to replace the alcohol I had effectively stolen from my parents and they were already home from their holiday. Great. I can normally spin a lie but this time I just felt compelled to tell them the truth. I told them about the binge, the hospitalisation, everything. My fears, my anxiety, my desire to beat this and seek help. It went so well with them that I don't really know what I was worried about in the first place. It was a huge weight off my mind despite feeling so inadequate to begin with.

I went to a garden centre with a friend and shaked my way through a breakfast in their cafe and then went and played golf with him which I haven't done for almost a year. I was so shaky on the first tee off that I swung and missed 5 times. Hah! I can laugh now but at the time when people were watching I just wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. But that's the nature of anxiety and by hole 5 I had actually resolved myself by the fact that so what if I'm crap at golf, I'm there to relax, have some fun with a friend, get some exercise and partake in some "shinrin-yoku", which my mother had told me about earlier when i said i might be going to play.

I'm now back at home and am reading here again, reading about such great techniques as urge surfing and gaining positivity by reading stories so similar to mine that makes me feel like I don't have to suffer this alone and that I am indeed not the only one suffering this in the first place.

Tonight will be a test - It's the champions league final, football. I'm tempted to stay away from the bar and relax here by myself, but a part of me wants to be strong and practice some of the techniques I've been reading about, I'm just not sure if I'm ready. I think I'll make my mind up nearer the time.

Thanks again everyone.
DeterminedNow is offline  
Old 05-24-2014, 04:29 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,043
I think you need to pace yourself determined.

Noone steps up and lifts 300 pounds the first time they try weights.

The smart money is on you staying away from the bar tonight IMO - give those sobriety muscles time to grow...

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 05-24-2014, 04:37 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,671
Welcome to the family. I agree with Dee, stay home tonight. The bar is the last place you need to be. Give yourself more sober time before hanging around drinking.
least is offline  
Old 05-24-2014, 04:51 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 9
Hi Dee, least, thanks for your replies.

Well... I ended up staying at home! I thought about it i really did. My flat is literally 2 minutes away from the bar a couple of friends were going to but instead I finished off cleaning up the mess from the binge in my first post, went and got some vegetables to make some vegetable juice and got chinese takeaway. The walk to the shop actually passes the bar in question so I was leaving my options open, but it was weird - I saw a group of four guys outside having a smoke, generally being loud, raucous and drunk and I thought, I don't want to be a part of that.

If I'd seen any of my friends out there my reaction would have been entirely different so I'm treating it as a sign.

You are both entirely right though, when I got back home I did have an urge, as I had the football on in the flat and one team scored and I thought god I bet the pub's bouncing right now.

I'm definitely not ready for that sort of atmosphere. Temptation would have been everywhere and I still feel like I have the breaking strain of a KitKat sometimes.

Thanks again.
DeterminedNow is offline  
Old 05-28-2014, 06:34 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 9
Well it's been one week. This time a week ago I was in accident and emergency being prodded and probed and analysed by all and sundry before doing an assisted detox. I still remember them asking me to put my hands out in front of me and they were shaking so badly I was embarassed. I couldnt lift the cup of water to take the diazepam they'd offered me. A total mess. Today, well it's 2.30am, I feel much better. I'm still not eating much and sleeping even less but I haven't had a drink and that is all that matters to me right now.

Stay strong everyone.
DeterminedNow is offline  
Old 05-28-2014, 06:48 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 9
Also am I able to change my username? I was a bit spaced out when i chose it and i'd prefer to just use my real name which is Simon.
DeterminedNow is offline  
Old 05-28-2014, 06:51 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,043
Congrats on your week DN

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 05-28-2014, 06:52 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,043
Originally Posted by DeterminedNow View Post
Also am I able to change my username? I was a bit spaced out when i chose it and i'd prefer to just use my real name which is Simon.
Send a PM to Anna

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 05-28-2014, 06:58 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 9
Thank you, and thank you again. I'll send her one tomorrow, I'm going to try and get an hour or two before I have to get up for work.

This place is great.
DeterminedNow is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:58 PM.