Lessons learned and thank you!
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: VA
Posts: 90
Lessons learned and thank you!
This morning I had a phone call from the local police station informing me that while the police were cleaning an evidence room, they located a bracelet that belonged to me. You see, in August of 2012, I made the decision to press charges against my son for stealing and selling my jewelry. This bracelet was one of many that had been pawned earlier and reclaimed by me for over $500, and then stolen and pawned again in April of 2012. The day after I finally pressed charges, my AS was also arrested for delivering 10 bags of heroin to a person who turned in my son to escape being charged with property theft. Two days, two charges.
The bracelet is not important; the lesson is invaluable.
Since that time, my son has completed a 30 day stint in rehab, 6 months in one half-way house, and an additional 4 months in another half-way house. Currently, he is gainfully employed and in a committed relationship. None of this would have happened if I had continued to protect him from the consequences of his actions. I finally realized that he had to be responsible to me and to society, not for his addiction, but for his stealing and dealing.
Reading this forum, attending Alanon meetings, and getting some much-needed counseling were very helpful when I was struggling with my son's addiction issues. I learned about typical addict's behaviors mostly from this forum. It wasn't pleasant to learn that the postings in the "Stickies" section were so true, even about my own precious son. It seems most people on the forum, to a greater or lesser degree, are confronted with the same behaviors that my family encountered. I guess the biggest lesson I learned was not to let my son's addiction control my life. It is so hard when we care so much about our loved ones. We get swallowed by the life of the addict.
I would like to take a minute to thank forum members for taking the time to respond thoughtfully to my pleas for help and support. I really appreciated having this online forum available for me when I needed to vent.
I can't say that the whole mess has ended. When my son mentions having money issues, I get a knot in my stomach. One day at a time . . . even for a mom.
The bracelet is not important; the lesson is invaluable.
Since that time, my son has completed a 30 day stint in rehab, 6 months in one half-way house, and an additional 4 months in another half-way house. Currently, he is gainfully employed and in a committed relationship. None of this would have happened if I had continued to protect him from the consequences of his actions. I finally realized that he had to be responsible to me and to society, not for his addiction, but for his stealing and dealing.
Reading this forum, attending Alanon meetings, and getting some much-needed counseling were very helpful when I was struggling with my son's addiction issues. I learned about typical addict's behaviors mostly from this forum. It wasn't pleasant to learn that the postings in the "Stickies" section were so true, even about my own precious son. It seems most people on the forum, to a greater or lesser degree, are confronted with the same behaviors that my family encountered. I guess the biggest lesson I learned was not to let my son's addiction control my life. It is so hard when we care so much about our loved ones. We get swallowed by the life of the addict.
I would like to take a minute to thank forum members for taking the time to respond thoughtfully to my pleas for help and support. I really appreciated having this online forum available for me when I needed to vent.
I can't say that the whole mess has ended. When my son mentions having money issues, I get a knot in my stomach. One day at a time . . . even for a mom.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Guinevere 
I finally realized that he had to be responsible to me and to society, not for his addiction, but for his stealing and dealing.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Thanks for the update. I want to cry tears of joy when I read how well an addict is doing. Everything you say is true. Big difference between help, support and enabling. I pray for your son's continued sobriety and success in pursuing his new clean life! I wish we could see positive posts like these daily because I know it happens.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 41
Guinivere. Wow. I needed those words. I arrested my son feb 27 for stealing and pawning many items from our home. I had no other choice than to make him accountable for his actions. He's been in jail since that day. This past Wednesday he was transported from jail to a 6 month drug rehab at the Salvation Army not to far from home. This was court ordered. He had no clothes and ask if I would bring him some. I did. My stomach knotted up pulling up seeing the homeless sitting on the steps waiting for a meal and my son next door in the treatment center. I rang the doorbell and to my surprise my son answered. My heart pounded and I hugged him and cried. I gave him his things and stayed maybe 15!minutes. I know I did the right thing. I don't know if he can make it there but I know that's his choice. The alternative is 3 years in prison. I can't control his destiny but after seeing him today my heart ached tremendously. I really don't want to see him like that. I want to support his needs but not make it comfortable for him. I'm trying to be strong. Dumb me have him clothes and $25. I hate giving him money and was upset afterwards that I did that. Any help on how to handle this situation. I don't want to enable one more day but so want to offer my love and support. Any advice appreciated.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Thank you. One addict left my house for good tonight, the other, my daughter, in an ambulance. Thank you for reminding me that she needs to face the tough consequences of her behavior, even when and while it hurts us parents to let go. Best wishes and thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Guinevere,
I am glad things are going in a positive direction for your son. I hope they continue, sounds hopeful!
SR is really so helpful. made up of all of us, at different places in our recovery. It is encouraging to read a post like this. I too am thankful for the wisdom and courage here, that others so willingly share.
hugs and prayers.
I am glad things are going in a positive direction for your son. I hope they continue, sounds hopeful!
SR is really so helpful. made up of all of us, at different places in our recovery. It is encouraging to read a post like this. I too am thankful for the wisdom and courage here, that others so willingly share.
hugs and prayers.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Guinevere, I think that bracelet was meant to find its way back to you today, to wear as a reminder that doing the right thing is never ever easy, but it's still the right thing and you were very brave to take that stand.
I am so glad your son is doing better and also that he is on a good path today.
Markdara, don't feel bad about taking your son clothes and a small amount of money. Rehabs usually have a weekly allowance they give to residents to cover their personal needs such as toiletries or coffee at meetings. They either handle it well or not, but it's all part of them learning better behaviours. Also know, they don't "need" money, their needs are provided, laundry is free, and as I said, they get a little allowance as well. That said, it's nice for them to have treats now and then and what you did was done with love and kindness...nothing wrong with that.
As a mama I know it is hard to draw the line between what is love and kindness and what is enabling. If our motives are good and it doesn't bring us any hardship...and if our loved ones can handle small gifts or money without using it for drugs, then it's all good. My son once sold groceries I had brought him and that opened my eyes to no longer giving him anything, not at that time anyway. That said, I would still buy him something to eat now and then, but I'd eat with him and use the time to visit and then leave feeling better knowing he had had a good meal.
I am so glad your son is doing better and also that he is on a good path today.
Markdara, don't feel bad about taking your son clothes and a small amount of money. Rehabs usually have a weekly allowance they give to residents to cover their personal needs such as toiletries or coffee at meetings. They either handle it well or not, but it's all part of them learning better behaviours. Also know, they don't "need" money, their needs are provided, laundry is free, and as I said, they get a little allowance as well. That said, it's nice for them to have treats now and then and what you did was done with love and kindness...nothing wrong with that.
As a mama I know it is hard to draw the line between what is love and kindness and what is enabling. If our motives are good and it doesn't bring us any hardship...and if our loved ones can handle small gifts or money without using it for drugs, then it's all good. My son once sold groceries I had brought him and that opened my eyes to no longer giving him anything, not at that time anyway. That said, I would still buy him something to eat now and then, but I'd eat with him and use the time to visit and then leave feeling better knowing he had had a good meal.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 41
Ann
Thanks for your kind words and reassurance. I miss my son so much. They day he was arrested he weighed probably 145 lbs. today he's like 170. He looks so healthy. When I saw him I just cried. He says "mom don't cry I got this." We have such a great relationship when he's not using. He's the best son,brother and friend anyone could ask for. He would give his last but when he's actively using he will steal all he can. I'm so glad God gave me the strength to stop his behavior at this time. My son has never been angry one day with me for having him arrested. He just has accepted his consequences. It's kind of scary. He's not jumping up and down but not complaining either. I needed this reassurance. I'm having an emotional day. Hugs.
Dara
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Thanks for your kind words and reassurance. I miss my son so much. They day he was arrested he weighed probably 145 lbs. today he's like 170. He looks so healthy. When I saw him I just cried. He says "mom don't cry I got this." We have such a great relationship when he's not using. He's the best son,brother and friend anyone could ask for. He would give his last but when he's actively using he will steal all he can. I'm so glad God gave me the strength to stop his behavior at this time. My son has never been angry one day with me for having him arrested. He just has accepted his consequences. It's kind of scary. He's not jumping up and down but not complaining either. I needed this reassurance. I'm having an emotional day. Hugs.
Dara
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 41
Guinevere
I just want you to know I shared your story with my son yesterday. Letting him know, other parents press charges in their addict children to because we love them. Thanks you.
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I just want you to know I shared your story with my son yesterday. Letting him know, other parents press charges in their addict children to because we love them. Thanks you.
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