Worried0810

Well, I think this is the beginning of the end now. We're hardly talking, he seems to be avoiding me as much as possible, there's no affection from him at all. He's back to drinking two beers every night after work and with the weekend upon us - I really don't know what to expect. In all honestly, my head is all over the place. I think I want out of this relationship too. I can't be bothered with the drama anymore. I want to be someone who respects me, and loves me and wants to look after me. I don't get that right now.
For those who left, what happened at the end of your relationship? Did you feel it building up? Was it a big argument and it was all over or did you calmly talk about things? If this is going to happen (and I'm sure it will), I want it to be civil.
But I'm devastated

NWGRITS

I haven't been in a relationship with an A (my qualifier is my mother), but I left an abusive relationship after he hit me. Just go. You're not dealing with a rational person, so you can't approach this like you would a normal person. You aren't married and don't have children, so just walk. It'll be better for you. Yes, I just stopped talking to my abusive ex and my mother. No long conversations, no explaining myself, because it wouldn't have gotten me anywhere. Best of luck to you.

anykey

Hi. HUgs. What would his version of event be? I am just curious.

missboots

My AH was abusive. I hope yours isn't! Everything was getting worse and worse. What I want you to know is that it's so much better on the other side. Like one thousand percent better.

hopeful4

It was an ugly argument, but I felt it coming a long time before. I had began to detatch from him for about a year before which helped me quite a lot. I knew I was ready.

Good luck to you. Your right, you deserve more.

XXX

horsegirl

Hi,
I left my xbf about 4-5 months ago . It was quite civil , but I played the codependency game until the begining of this week. I have now stopped contact with him (for 3 months) I told him on Monday. I cannot believe how much calmer I am , no anixety attacks , crying uncontrolably since. My xbf had some of the same behaviors as yours, he had no ability to show me any kind of emotional support at all. I am sure I have an addiction to him and the only way to break it was going cold turkey. I have no Idea what the future holds for us. I still have hope that he will have an epiphany and decide to go to aa or get counseling and try to make our relationship work. I am trying to be realistic as well, I cannot control his feelings or actions. The great thing is most people on here have been or are going through what you are, hang in there it does get better. Please be safe if or when you talk with him. If you are afraid of him getting out of control make sure you take precautions. good luck!

mauihope

I have been feeling the same way. My H is working non-stop and there has been only superficial texts and conversations for about 2 weeks after our last in-depth conversation. I am doing my best to let go and accept whatever is going to happen (which is very hard for the controlling/planning part of me). Thinking of you and wishing you peace...

ladyscribbler

Mine sobered up after a multiday bender and saw that I had been packing.
"Are you leaving me?"
"Yep."
That was it, though when I told his mom that was a different story. Epic dramagasm. She got over it though. Eventually.

Charmed3

Increase in alcohol in-take. No talking, refusing to answer any question I asked, avoiding me, walking out and then coming home really late after I was in bed, blame game and then he resorted to pushing, shoving and kicking the locked bedroom door in.

When I said I was going to leave of course he tried to be a bit nice, usually in the morning but by evening he had liquid courage on board. Promised he wanted to be civil, be friendly and fair but I overheard his phone conversation and he had a plan he wasn't sharing with me. His intention was to insure he pushed me out either from making me fearful or trying to make me look like a crazy biatch that attacked him and then try to keep the home and everything in it and as much of the money he could.

So I listened to the advice of the good people here, I went to see any attorney, remained calm, worked on an exit plan, got the jump on him and turned the tables. And yet I still would have tried to negotiate fairly but he got nasty and now I am digging my heels in.

I am doing well and getting better each day.... him, not so much.

I admire you for wanting to be civil - I wanted that too, it just wasn't possible when only one of us was willing to be civil.

Patticakes

Oh My GOSH.... love that we want to try and be civil! Geeez..... we want to be able to say, "We did our best, we tried our hardest, we forgave ALL we possibly could and ALWAYS tried to make sure we were not judging too harshly."
I pray that ALL of us here find the path we end up feeling is kind, loving, caring and STILL preserve "us" in the whole process.
Consider yourself HUGGED because you deserve a really, really big and sincere hug Worried and everyone else who has posted!

Worried0810

Well, I spoke to him about how I had been feeling and he denied it at first. I've been sick with flu this week and he hasn't helped me out at all. He wouldn't even hug me. He's been coming home and going straight to bed. I said that since he had returned from his holiday, he has been acting different. Eventually, he said he was sorry and gave me a hug. For some reason, I'm not satisfied. He kept saying, 'Everything is OK' but it's really not. he said that he didn't realise what he was doing (hmmm?) and that he was tired. But not that tired that he can't stay on his iPad for a couple of hours.
I shall see what tomorrow brings. I think he'll drink loads, in which case, I'm sleeping in the spare bed and I'll have to start making arrangements from there.
I worry about him being civil too. He wouldn't be at first but after a few days, I think he would. I've had enough of everything now, and I deserve better than being ignored!

Patticakes

Oh Worried, this is such a different process for ALL of us! We all have to walk our own path, figuring out what our boundaries are and coming to conclusions of what we want our lives to be.
A very wise woman told me not too long ago that we will "know" when the moment comes that we need to make a choice. It will be an AH-HA moment! The BEST thing we can do for ourselves until then is just to LIVE, LIVE, LIVE!! Try against ALL odds to find every single moment that is worthy of savoring! A raindrop, a flower pedal, your loving pet coming to you like you are the BEST thing in their life at that moment! Eat it up.....nourish yourself for the time you need to make your choice!
Giant, GIANT hugs for you!!!!!!

Hammer

CarryThatWeight

Sometimes they make the choice for you. I came home from a week out of town with my family and he had packed all my things into the car, taken the house key off my ring, and left the key to my car under the welcome mat. Of course, he said I forced him to break up with me, I gave him no choice. Typical alcoholic refusing to take responsibility, you know. We did try to reconcile once but he acted like a total jerk and I eventually just walked out of his house. But I think the relationship had been in death throes for a while before that happened. I think previous posters are right, we all walk our own path. You can only do what's right for you. One day at a time--you don't have to figure out more than that.

53500

I left an alcoholic/addict fiance over 30 years ago. We were together 4 years and our wedding was in 6 weeks. I had a dress and all the plans were made. He had been sober and in recovery for over a year, was responsible, going to college.

Then his behavior started to change. He dropped out of college. I did not know at first if he was drinking although of course I suspected. I told MYSELF - not him - that if I found out he drank again I was done. The three years together before his recovery were full of the hell, drama, craziness, lies, violence, wrecked cars, police, etc. that everyone here talks about.

It didn't take long to find out he was drinking. He told me (not knowing of my private ultimatum) he'd had "a few beers". I broke up with him immediately. Gave back the ring, canceled all the plans. We were not living together so I didn't have that to deal with.

To say it was traumatic was an understatement but eventually the shock and drama faded and I felt like I'd crawled out from under a rock. I still feel that way.

There is light at the end of the tunnel!

Worried0810

Well, he's had four beers already and he's off to buy more. He wants us to go out somewhere but it'll be more beers and me driving and the same thing over and over again. I just feel so done with all this. He said that he would stop, so why isn't he? I feel like an idiot because I've believed him every time and I always hope every time. Except last time. Last time he said it, I didn't even get my hopes up but I still feel let down. It's just easier to go along with him sometimes, and I feel the energy being drained out of me. I've no strength to fight anymore and I've been sick all week and still not feeling 100%.
One thing though - I used to smoke and still enjoy an occasional one (only when someone offers me one, which is rarely). I stopped smoking 15-20 a day because he asked me to. Should I just get a pack and smoke them? He won't stop, so neither should I? It seems childish to me but it's how I feel at the exact moment.

Mango blast

Because it's an addiction and a disease of the brain and body.

Why hurt yourself by starting smoking again? I found I can only effectively change for myself, not someone else. Do this for you, not for him or a tally sheet of who's right. Getting rid of bad habits require replacing them with something better. That's part of recovery. (((hugs)))

What helped me the most was 1) working on me (so much involved in that!) and 2) advice from this forum on how to talk to my husband.

When he says he's 'trying', I'm able to calmly and rationally say what things 'trying' would be -- such as going in to his doctor (and finding a new one when all the others were ineffective), going to AA, getting a sponsor, going to counseling, rehab, etc. Not pushing that on him (as that's always been ineffective), but calling him on the points that he says and then letting it go. I don't know if it helps him, but it really helps me. I'm done with the right-fighting. Pushing to be right only hurts us both.

My own recovery has been what's saved me from buying into the lies. Now I'm able to listen to his actions and not let the words pull me in or hurt me. Baby steps, progress not perfection. Now I'm finding hope for myself instead of pinning expectations on him.

We're not idiots when we believe their words, that's just a learning phase, IMO. It's like learning another language. It takes time and practice. The words distract from the language that the actions are saying.

What have you been doing for yourself lately?

Hammer

Okay, 30 years of Total Awesomeness followed . . . . or what?

My real question being: So what in the hell are doing HERE, now?

Worried0810

He has had 8 beers today. He even admits that he feels a little drunk. When we went out for dinner and after we had eaten, he said he was going to the toilet. He was gone a long time so I went to look for him, and he was at the bar. I told him that he said he was going to cut down, and that I was bored waiting around for him to finish his beer. He agreed, and kept saying, 'Yeah, yeah, I know.' But not once did he say that he'd cut down again. Tomorrow, I am going to tell him that I can't keep going on with his drinking. He says that he has no money and yet he can afford beer.
And I noticed this smell about him - the smell of stale alcohol. He had had a shower, but I can smell the stench of beer off of him and I hate it. This isn't cutting down - this is him treating me like a door mat. I cut my hair into a new style and he keeps calling me 'fringe' because he doesn't like it. Is it normal for an alcoholic to not like change, especially when you are trying to better yourself?
Also - how did you have THE conversation. I have a feeling that tomorrow will be the talk because he's not gonna cut down even if he says that he will.

ladyscribbler

Why put off till tomorrow what you can do today? Just tell him it isn't working out. No need for a big long pointless energy sucking "discussion" which will likely involve you explaining things that shouldn't need explaining and him denying, minimizing and blame shifting every point you think you need to make. No amount of talking is going to wake him up or make him see that his drinking is costing him a good woman.
If you break up with him tonight you'll be free to rest your mind and body and not have to dread a big scene tomorrow because it will be done.
Hugs and strength. Time to rip off that band aid and toss it in the trash so you can start healing.