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Am I not ready to quit?? Am I doomed?? :(

Old 05-22-2014, 10:42 AM
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Unhappy Am I not ready to quit?? Am I doomed?? :(

Hi everyone.

I'm really worried that I don't want to quit drinking badly enough, to truly quit. But at the same time, I really really want to quit. But drinking is giving me something that I can't seem to find anywhere else. It's a deep, deep pleasure and bliss - everything feels so great. I know it doesn't last. I know there are so many negative side effects to it, and those things are ruining my life. I want to quit. But, I also don't know how I would survive without drinking (ironic, I know).

A couple months ago, after being in the hospital, I was afraid to drink or else I would cause more pain/harm to my body. So I went back to my eating disorder. Then I cleared that up, and then ended up severely depressed. Just sleeping all day. I couldn't bear to be alive, so I would just sleep. I used to self harm, but luckily, I didn't turn back to that. So I just slept, because being alive and conscious was too depressing.

Then I found out my body could handle drinking again. The floodgates opened, and wow did I drink!! And now I still can't seem to stop. I stopped for 33 days recently, but then started drinking again. it's definitely filling some need.... I know it is.

I'm afraid that the negative aspects of me drinking are not outweighing the positives of drinking. I desperately want them to, but maybe they're not??? Do I have to wait until some stupid time in the future where I finally hit rock bottom? What if it stays this way, where drinking is causing some damage but the pleasure I get from it is higher? Am I doomed forever???

Am I just not ready to quit? I want to be able to quit...I don't want to WANT to drink. I just feel like if I quit, I would have nothing strong enough to keep me quit. I have a therapist who will be working through this with me, but... it doesn't seem to be enough. I will be joining some sobriety groups too, which hopefully will help. But I know this has to come from inside me. I'm so worried that I don't have what it takes. That I'll just be a prisoner forever. Like I am in that part of the abusive relationship where yes, I am being abused and I don't like it, but I am also getting something out of it and seem to think it's not that bad... I just don't know. I think I'm doomed.

Is there hope for me? Or does it sound like I'm just not in a place to quit. Like I don't want it badly enough. I feel like when I tried to quit before, there was nothing else that could possibly feel as good as drinking made me feel. I need more satisfying things in my life I guess. I know that life isn't all peachy - and that there is a lot of pain too - but I would like to be able to handle this life without relying on alcohol. I want to be free of it. But.... do I want it badly enough? I'm so torn.
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Old 05-22-2014, 10:49 AM
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I think coming here is a great start -welcome At some level you must want to quit to have come here at all.

I think you would benefit from reading about AVRT: Rational Recovery. If you google it you will find a link. It really helped me understand why I wanted to quit but I didn't want to quit. Like you,nothing really bad had happened to me that made me quit at the point I did. AVRT really just clicked with me and helped me realize that I wasn't crazy or going round and round in circles changingmy mind all the time.
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Old 05-22-2014, 11:00 AM
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Hello and welcome. You might try doing your own Cost/Benefit analysis to see how you feel about your drinking. It isn't complicated. Just get a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. One one side put the benefits (as you see them) and on the other put the costs (again as you see them and also other known issues like health). You might even try to give each item a score out of ten and total them up at the end of the exercise. Be HONEST though.

It won't make up your mind about what you really want to do but it might help to focus a bit. Good luck in any case!
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Old 05-22-2014, 11:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Lucrezia View Post
Is there hope for me? Or does it sound like I'm just not in a place to quit. Like I don't want it badly enough. I feel like when I tried to quit before, there was nothing else that could possibly feel as good as drinking made me feel. I need more satisfying things in my life I guess. I know that life isn't all peachy - and that there is a lot of pain too - but I would like to be able to handle this life without relying on alcohol. I want to be free of it. But.... do I want it badly enough? I'm so torn.
There is hope for everyone. I do personally feel that one does have to want it badly enough though. Looking back at my own personal experience I realize that it was the case for me - i tried many times but didn't really want it enough and I failed many times as a result. Looking back at that same period of time I also now realize that it was a monumentally selfish decisionon my part to keep drinking. I always thought that my drinking only affected me, but it affected others around me, deeply.

My personal perspective now that I've been sober for a while is that sobriety is far more satisfying that active drinking, without question. My hope is that you can find the strength to want it before you destroy your own life and the lives of those around you - because that is a 100% guarantee if you are truly an alcoholic.
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Old 05-22-2014, 11:11 AM
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? Well then I guess you are not ready then.

If you dont put yourself into it- you wont get the results that you want.
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Old 05-22-2014, 11:20 AM
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Wanting to quit and hitting rock bottom are good motivators to quit, but they aren't necessary. Sometimes you need to so something for no other reason than it's the right thing to do.

Yesterday the addictive voice was in full swing to the point that I veered off the sidewalk toward the liquor store door and then against every bone in my body I said out loud "you are not doing this" and swerved back onto the sidewalk. I ended up having a wonderful, sober evening and feel stronger because if it.

Move past your need for desire and take the first steps.
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Old 05-22-2014, 11:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Lucrezia View Post
Hi everyone.

I'm really worried that I don't want to quit drinking badly enough, to truly quit. But at the same time, I really really want to quit. But drinking is giving me something that I can't seem to find anywhere else. It's a deep, deep pleasure and bliss - everything feels so great. I know it doesn't last. I know there are so many negative side effects to it, and those things are ruining my life. I want to quit. But, I also don't know how I would survive without drinking (ironic, I know).

A couple months ago, after being in the hospital, I was afraid to drink or else I would cause more pain/harm to my body. So I went back to my eating disorder. Then I cleared that up, and then ended up severely depressed. Just sleeping all day. I couldn't bear to be alive, so I would just sleep. I used to self harm, but luckily, I didn't turn back to that. So I just slept, because being alive and conscious was too depressing.

Then I found out my body could handle drinking again. The floodgates opened, and wow did I drink!! And now I still can't seem to stop. I stopped for 33 days recently, but then started drinking again. it's definitely filling some need.... I know it is.

I'm afraid that the negative aspects of me drinking are not outweighing the positives of drinking. I desperately want them to, but maybe they're not??? Do I have to wait until some stupid time in the future where I finally hit rock bottom? What if it stays this way, where drinking is causing some damage but the pleasure I get from it is higher? Am I doomed forever???

Am I just not ready to quit? I want to be able to quit...I don't want to WANT to drink. I just feel like if I quit, I would have nothing strong enough to keep me quit. I have a therapist who will be working through this with me, but... it doesn't seem to be enough. I will be joining some sobriety groups too, which hopefully will help. But I know this has to come from inside me. I'm so worried that I don't have what it takes. That I'll just be a prisoner forever. Like I am in that part of the abusive relationship where yes, I am being abused and I don't like it, but I am also getting something out of it and seem to think it's not that bad... I just don't know. I think I'm doomed.

Is there hope for me? Or does it sound like I'm just not in a place to quit. Like I don't want it badly enough. I feel like when I tried to quit before, there was nothing else that could possibly feel as good as drinking made me feel. I need more satisfying things in my life I guess. I know that life isn't all peachy - and that there is a lot of pain too - but I would like to be able to handle this life without relying on alcohol. I want to be free of it. But.... do I want it badly enough? I'm so torn.
Hi, some of us want it but most of us NEED it.
But you are kinda in between at the moment, we both know what is best for you but what you want may be something else right now.
You are not the first and will not be the last person to not be sure at this point in your life a lot of us were scared into staying sober and som of us needed that wake up call to see it through to this point.
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Old 05-22-2014, 11:21 AM
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Lucrezia, you sound a lot like me..., before, and at the time when I quit (not long ago, this January). The kind of situation that is often described here as a not very low bottom.

I encourage you to read and read and read SR, see how bad it could (will!) get. Indulge yourself in all the heartbreaking stories. Then think about YOU. Then re-evaluate.
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Old 05-22-2014, 11:28 AM
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I had the same feelings.
But, there is a line you cross in sobriety where being sober feels normal again.
Back when you could have fun and joy without alcohol,like when you're very young.
It's a great feeling and definitely worth working for.
Best wishes.
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Old 05-22-2014, 11:30 AM
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Is there anything we can do to help?
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Old 05-22-2014, 11:45 AM
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did you work a program?

have you given AA a shot?

I often think Alcoholics Anonymous ought to be called "Humans Anonymous" - because even though our common struggle with alcohol is what brings us to it, often it's really the process of living and dealing with life and self and baggage and emotion and all of the stuff of being HUMAN that the program is really focused on.

Anyway - there's hope for you, of course there is!!

But if you really WANT to stop drinking, it requires action and effort beyond just 'not drinking'. And that requires some sort of program or structure or plan - or else we wind up going back to what we know, what feels comfortable even if it results in pain.
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Old 05-22-2014, 01:32 PM
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ReadyAtLast - I will look into AVRT therapy. I think I have heard a bit about it. I shall look into it some more.

Mentium - I did a pros/cons list, with the numbers too. But this was last month~
Pros of drinking: 35
Cons of drinkings: 60
Pros of NOT drinking: 37
Cons of NOT drinking: 26

The pro of drinking is 35, and the pro of NOT drinking is only 2 points more. *cries*
But when I look at the CONS, then... it's much more clear.

FreeOwl - I'm on a waiting list for a group or something, for sobriety. My therapist is helping me to set this all up. Hopefully once I can meet up with other people, it will help.


Thank you to everyone else who responded, too.

The pleasure I get from drinking is so strong, that compared to that pleasure, all the negatives of drinking seem to fall away and it doesn't seem worth it. Doesn't *seem* worth it. It's not REALLY worth it to keep drinking - I just feel stuck. I don't *want* to know that there is this way that I could feel, if I wanted to... if I only just drank.... I think one of the problems is that I'm not able to feel too happy with my life sober. I'm sure it's possible. I'm pretty sure I have felt happy in my life before. I see other people happy, too. I need to find a way to have a fulfilling life sober.

I've been working with a therapist for two years though (not about alcohol, but other stuff) and now I just feel worse than ever. But maybe that's because there's so much stuff to work through, and it's all coming up now...all the buried stuff. Maybe that's it?? I am for the most part, very lonely. I can enjoy nature, music, art, a good cup of coffee, etc. but..... real and meaningful relationships I think are missing.

And I don't know what else. Perhaps I will always be doomed to be unhappy. So maybe it's just fate for me to follow in my father's footsteps, and *his* father's footsteps, and on and on... maybe being a functional alcoholic in this life is the best middle ground to take. I don't know.
I REALLY DON'T WANT IT TO BE THIS WAY.

But omg, I feel stuck.
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Old 05-22-2014, 04:38 PM
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I think you need to give sobriety a chance Lucrezia.

I wasn't happy when I quit - and it took weeks, not days for me to find that happiness again.

I'd drunk for years, I was prone to depression, and I had no self esteem - all those things take time, and maybe a little help, to get through.

I really believe that noone needs to wait 'until they're ready'. I've seen people waste decades waiting for the bolt of lightning that removes the desire to drink.

There's never a good time to quit. But you can decide to quit and stick to it - and things will get better, in time, I promise

D
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Old 05-22-2014, 04:53 PM
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I never reached 'rock bottom' but was sick and tired of always being sick and tired. So I knew I had to quit, whether I wanted to or not.
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Old 05-22-2014, 06:33 PM
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Hi Lucrezia,
There is lots of hope for you. And if you don't feel so much of it now then I will have it for you till you can feel it again. Hope and faith there was something better for me was sometimes the only things I had to hang on to. And on the days I felt hopeless or was scared I was hopeless, I hung on to what other people on here told me. That they had hope for me. That they did it. It wasn't easy for them. It took a lot of work. But they did it.

It reminded me to not give up on myself.

I felt like that too before I quit. Now that I have, I see..for me anyway...it wasn't that getting drunk filled a hole I had as much as it just numbed me to the fact I had a hole. It just diverted me from ever working on the things that would actually fill that hole.

That's just me anyway. I felt something was missing but instead of seeing that feeling as life's way of telling me I needed to find what I was missing, I just shut it up by drinking. I confused shutting down with pleasure. And it turned out to be similar to wearing a really nice looking pair of heels that killed my feet and it felt like pleasure to take them off.

I had to learn it was the heels causing the problem in the first place.

Don't give up. You are not hopeless. None of us are. ((Hug)) to you.
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Old 05-22-2014, 06:54 PM
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Hi Lucrezia and welcome.

I didn't want to quit. But deep down I knew I had to. It took me a year or so of being on the fence and then I just did it. Believe me, I sure didn't WANT to, but the promises of sobriety were too tempting not to try. I've been living sober for almost 2 years now.

Do I miss it? Yeah. But it's worth the missing to avoid the catastrophes in store had I not quit or go back out.

You will find your path - and this is a great place to figure it out. I wish you serenity and peace whichever path you choose
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Old 05-22-2014, 07:16 PM
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I guess I should feel lucky. booze does very little for me. Im glad I dont have a drinking problem in addition to pills.

I have never EVER been drunk on booze. Never hung over on booze. But I been both on pills.

The pleasure you think you get has to be paid for with uncertainty and a lesser life. Booze is sugar. It messes with your blood sugars. A good way to invite diabetes.
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Old 05-22-2014, 07:34 PM
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I'm glad you posted this here Lucrezia, I hope you can get better help from more experienced members than we could give you. You are always welcome in the April thread though.

Best wishes
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Old 05-22-2014, 08:08 PM
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Thank you, everybody. I think I am going to try and quit. I wrote a bit about this in my latest blog entry. I really really really want to do this. I am really really really scared. But I want to do it more than I am scared, I think.

I think I had been waiting for a time where the good feelings from drinking were not equal to how bad things were, from drinking. But I don't think that will happen. I will ALWAYS enjoy drinking.... I can't drink away the cravings. So if they are going to be just as strong (or stronger) in the future, then drinking now will do nothing but cause horrible damage.

Somehow I have had a change of thinking - I just hope this change stays with me, so I can fight through the cravings and remain strong, and sober. For the rest of my life.
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Old 05-22-2014, 08:14 PM
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Thanks for posting Lucrezia, I like your honesty. I've quit more times than I can count, and Ive always ended up returning to my old destructive friend, alcohol. And it's because of what you talked about - I still get great pleasure from drinking. That's the struggle - alcohol treats alcoholism.

The problem is the consequences that come with our drinking. The hangovers, wrecked relationships and careers, wasted time and money, etc.

The hope is that we can learn to live and enjoy our lives without alcohol - something that seems almost impossible in early sobriety. But listening to others that have achieved that proves not only that it's possible, but likely if we quit drinking and work on recovery.

If you really believe you're an alcoholic, I think the decision to quit is the right one. It's only going to get worse.
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