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why did I do this now? tears... because I knew it was coming anyway



why did I do this now? tears... because I knew it was coming anyway

Old 05-22-2014, 09:22 AM
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why did I do this now? tears... because I knew it was coming anyway

I called his boss, to let him know my husband has been drinking again. The only reason he's going to give him another chance at rehab is because of me. He thinks I'm making a big mistake and that AH needs to lose his job and his family. If his boss or manager find him drinking ever again, today or any other day, he's gone. If we had called his boss when AH first relapsed, he wouldn't be so hard about this and would have supported him in getting more help.

I can see the problems with the avoidance/anxiety disorder.
That's why I believe another go at rehab would be beneficial -- the first one didn't address any of that. I've talked with my husband about these things, but as in general with his anxiety instead of trying to put a label on any of it. I've seen a lot of changes in both of us in the past few months, but I also know that if he's drinking that something drastic has to happen. A few AA meetings and going to a counselor once a week isn't going to be nearly enough at this point -- and still on the wait list for counseling, and still drinking, and no time for AA this week, so that negates those points.

I know he's been stressed at work, been working 12-14 hour days, but there will always be something... some stress, some reason not to go to AA. If there is enough time to go to town to buy alcohol, there was enough time to find a meeting or call someone on his AA list. They're there for him. If he's not reaching out, they can never do a thing to help him. If his go-to when stressed is reaching for a bottle instead of replacing that with something else, there is no "tomorrow" that can save him.

No idea if he'll be going to rehab or we'll be leaving here, or both. His boss has had it with him and I'm pretty sure he's had it with me, too. So much for any support there this time, but the only other option was to wait things out and then he would have eventually been fired anyway. This is a chronic, progressive disease. I need to listen to his actions, not his words. His words have been lying to me. His actions show me the disease is in charge of his thinking.

I have a call into the rehab center, but haven't heard back from them yet. It's been a long morning. His boss wants me to be the sober companion, to make sure he doesn't drink until he gets help, to make sure he doesn't go to town to buy any more. That doesn't work. I can't be with him 24 hours a day.

This help? This rehab? This call? It's for me. Because I can't deal with an active alcoholic, because....

Step 1. I admit I am powerless over alcohol. My life has become unmanageable.

I want to argue the "unmanageable" part -- that it's not yet, but I know where it's going and it'll become unmanageable. Then in complete honesty, when I'm used to lying being the norm and never knowing what's true or a lie, that in itself is plenty unmanageable. I know it gets worse. I've been there -- why wait for what I know is coming??

Prayers welcome.

I've been having a good week. He's been having a good week. But ignoring this for another week, or two, or months, would not have changed a thing. I feel like I just jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. Hoping the fireproofing I've added to me works well!!
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Old 05-22-2014, 09:32 AM
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keepingthefaith, I will be praying for you and your husband. I'm so sorry you're going through this but you will get on the other side of all this madness.
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Old 05-22-2014, 09:51 AM
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He's not drinking daily, but where there is some drinking there will be more and I know where that heads. I wanted so much to let him "choose" rehab, but when he lied to me last night I realized the disease will do everything it can to keep hold of him, that from all past experience he won't get help unless forced into it. I know this isn't the conventional philosophy, that he should be reaching out for help himself. But that time and again doesn't happen, and realizing more of his history and how he's always been before the alcoholism, I'm okay with pushing for this. As I told him recently before, for just a few days, I'm taking the lead. That his brain will lie to him and me. It's up to him whether he'll take the help that's available to him or refuse it.

Not all the Avoidant behaviors, but extreme on some of them and they came before the drinking. Anxiety. Hypersensitive to criticism and rejection, both perceived and real. Fear of abandonment. I could be wrong on these things, but it seems to make sense of a lot of things in the past -- both lots of comments he's made and how he's acted. As with anything with alcoholism, it may be his coping mechanism, but it's all made worse by drinking. He was sleeping better for a while, but now up again during the night. He says he's trying, but what I see is him getting comfortable with how he wants things to be.

Even though I know I did the right thing, I could really use some reassurance.

Now that I talked to his boss, I still need to talk to my husband. In some way shape or form, something was going to happen at some point in time. I had to be honest with his boss for myself. We each had told him last December that we would and he's rightfully mad that neither of us called him when my husband first started drinking again.
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Old 05-22-2014, 10:03 AM
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I had to step out of my x's way and let him go down the road he wanted not what I wanted but it is their choice after all, ugh. I couldn't stop the inevitable from happening and it sounds like you are there too. I wish I had some fantastic advise to give and I know how hard it is to come to the point where we give up trying to control the situation.
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Old 05-22-2014, 10:10 AM
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Thank you!! I'm feeling like I'm going to be judged on trying to control things, but that's really where it's at -- that I have no control over any of it. My husband and I had promised to call him and even if he wasn't going to do that, I should have long ago. I said I wouldn't try to hide anything or cover for my husband, but by not holding to my own integrity, I have been lying and covering up. Silence can be a strong lie.
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Old 05-22-2014, 10:14 AM
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My ABF was a meat cutter at a grocery store, excellent at his job. They knew he was drinking, and tolerated it because he was just that good. So he was at one store, and I remember the day they fired him for drinking-they finally had enough. It was April 19, 2012, I will never forget, it was a thursday, and I called him at work because we got in a fight the night before and I wanted to apologize, and he said they were firing him.

It seriously destroyed him. He lived for that job. He was lost without it. Exactly one year later, they wanted to hire him back, and I set the whole thing up. It made him so happy that he could finally go back to what he worked his whole life to do.

I am a vendor. I go to all the area stores and do whatever I am supposed to do. So on Tuesday, I had to go to the store that fired him back in 2012. They knew who I was, gave me the whole, "I'm so sorry for your loss" spiel. I told them he hated them after what they did to him, but I am grateful. If they never fired him, he would have died sooner, he never would have gone to rehab, he never would have realized what there was to lose by drinking.

You made the right decision. He does need to lose everything to realize what is at stake. And if they do fire him, maybe it will open up his eyes so he can see what he is doing to himself and everyone around him.
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Old 05-22-2014, 10:36 AM
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Ahhh...Healing...big hugs to you! I think it's only natural to try to control a bad situation. And we can try, but it will always fail. We all need to get out of the way and let God do what He does best. Sooner or later, our addicts will always reap what THEY sow. You didn't sow the disorder and chaos in his life and you don't own it, he does and it will be him that pays for it. We are all the collateral damage of the addict in our life. I know my alcoholic never intended, or even thought for one moment, that what he was doing to himself hurt us in anyway. You're going to be ok...I have you on my prayer list and will continue praying for the both of you. Keep taking care of yourself and doing what you need to in order to preserve your own security and happiness financially and otherwise. big hugs!
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Old 05-22-2014, 10:46 AM
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Thank you very much, Katchie. I really needed to hear that. I'm crying again, yet I do feel stronger. I know that's the only reason I gave this up today, because I was strong enough to do so. I think the amazing thing is in spite of the fact that we may be losing our home and all we have, but I needed to let go of the lies and the games and being sucked into the whirlpool again. This really sucks because he HAS been doing better. But "better" and still drinking and not reaching out for help somehow don't add up. I'm not really sure what the tears are for. They're stopping quicker now and I keep thinking of what needs to be done in reality terms instead of fantasy land of what I would like to happen. This isn't as bad as a lot of what we've already gone through. I think this has ended any trust at all at his job, but that's on him and up to him to rebuild.

I've been working hard this week and finding strength I didn't know I've gained. What would have been overwhelming two months ago, now I can deal with. I don't want to, but one way or another I need to. Still saying prayers for guidance and finding my strength and balance. Saying the same prayers for my husband. Not for any certain outcome, but that he finds guidance, strength and balance.
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Old 05-22-2014, 10:48 AM
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I would like you take take a nice long hot bath. From there ponder the question - of trips you would make with a friend - to the beach or another state.
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Old 05-22-2014, 10:54 AM
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Katchie, is right we all need to put our loved ones in God's hands, it's so freeing to think that I'm not in control of what he does or doesn't do anymore!
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Old 05-22-2014, 11:15 AM
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You cry whenever you need to without apology. It's never healthy to stuff it inside as I have. Anykey has a darn good idea...maybe you need to take a sabbatical?? I've done that before and it was extremely helpful in connecting spiritually with God and in collecting my thoughts and transforming them into a clear path for myself. I believe even in good times a moment of peace over a weekend to reflect is very healthy and rejuvenating to the soul.
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Old 05-22-2014, 12:02 PM
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He's very mad at me, that I didn't stay out of it and let him handle it in his own way. What he doesn't get is that I'm IN IT and have been for many years. If quitting was that easy, it'd be no problem to say, "oh, you called him? No big deal, I'm not drinking so it doesn't matter." Um, yeah... that's not the response I got. He may be turning down any help at all this time. If he reaches out for it, great. I have no expectations here. If I'm the sacrifice for being mad enough to do something different, fine. His choice. I don't know if he'll ever get over my making a second phone call - the first was last December - but I needed to do it. His boss had some tough words for me today and I deserved much of it. I am a codie. I do minimize things and avoid dealing with this.

If nothing changes, nothing changes. When I can't believe anything my husband tells me, when I find myself slipping into codie-isms, then I need to stop buying into the lies.

I've always been open to change and to moving, even though my husband doesn't believe that. There was a long time that I wasn't physically up to being able to move, and that's very different and was compounded by his drinking. I never wanted to leave this way. That's the part I've been fighting all this time. The alcohol. I've stopped fighting it. Whatever happens with his job is up to him and is not due to me -- his boss thinks I need to babysit him and make sure he doesn't drink, that he doesn't buy any more. That's not happening either. I have NO power over that. If he wants to drink, he'll find a way. I can't be awake 24 hours a day or have alarms going off it he goes somewhere without me.

So today... I will make the most of the rest of it. Yesterday I worked, but it was mostly outside and was a bit of a sabbatical for me. I meditated a bit, prayed a lot and worked on taking care of me. I felt very balanced and good, and that is carrying over to today so what would have torn me apart a month or two ago, is now just something I have to deal with.

Seriously? Life flights, trauma units, looking for my husband out in the dark and not knowing if he's dead and having an eerie calm because I don't know what I'm dealing with next? Having him intensely fiercely mad at me because I'm trying to take him to the hospital to save his life, and that he still thinks he didn't really needed to go??

Oh yeah. I needed to make this call today. I cannot and will not go down this road again.

Several weeks ago I said that I'm letting go of my loyal soldier. That it's his war now. I just made a major step in letting it go. He sees it as a betrayal, I see it as a necessary step for both of us. What stays hidden doesn't heal.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-soldier.html

I'm going to go get some work done, stay connected and balanced. I have commitments I need to take care of for today and tomorrow, and for the first time in the past two months, I'm not mentally screwed up from his drinking and putting them off. There are probably a lot of people who think I shouldn't have called. I'm finally feeling like I'm stepping out of the strangle-hold of alcohol. I know I'm okay and I did what I needed to for myself.
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Old 05-22-2014, 12:20 PM
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I really like the sabbatical idea. I'm keeping that at the forefront of my thoughts this afternoon.
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Old 05-22-2014, 12:45 PM
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I'm so sorry. Sending much love and hugs your way. xo
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Old 05-22-2014, 01:57 PM
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith View Post
it's his war now.
Today may be a turning point or maybe just another bump in the road. I'm letting him fight his own war now. I didn't bring his enemy to him; it was already there. He's gone off to do some soul searching. He took the Big Book along. Baby steps. Easy does it. Prayers welcome.
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Old 05-22-2014, 02:39 PM
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Hugs and prayers. XXX
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Old 05-22-2014, 03:55 PM
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That seems like a positive baby step...praying for him and you.
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Old 05-23-2014, 09:32 AM
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(((((HUGS)))))) Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today!! You sound very strong & sure of what you need to do in order to honor your boundaries & I commend you for that! Sending lots of prayers!!
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Old 05-23-2014, 03:21 PM
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Many thanks to all of you for the good thoughts and prayers. This is going to be a long weekend.

On one hand, with the Avoidant/Anxiety PD, this was the worst thing ever to do. He's stressed, he's drinking, he wants help and he's refusing it. For the next few days he's probably going to immerse himself in work.

On the other hand, this really was coming up anyway and it was way past time for me to start being honest with others again. I told him and his co-workers a couple months ago that none of us were going to be held hostage to this. That we weren't going to keep anything secret or expect anyone else to.

Rehab has an opening on Wednesday. He says that's not a possibility, but he's out of other options other than to keep drinking. I completely understand that it's his right to be able to choose that.
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Old 05-23-2014, 04:08 PM
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He says that's not a possibility, but he's out of other options other than to keep drinking. I completely understand that it's his right to be able to choose that.

and what about your options? you have the right to live an addiction free life.
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