Hi, I'm new with a BF in Recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 18
Hi, I'm new with a BF in Recovery
Hi,
I'm new
Ummm.. where do I start?
I met my BF 30 years ago when we were in high-school. We were just friends at the time. We would talk on the phone for hours and hang out together at school. People thought we were dating but it never evolved in to that kind of a relationship. We were just honest with each other and we respected that in one another. He suddenly had to move out of state in Senior year and we lost touch with one another. But, he was the kind of person who always stuck in my head. When I would think about high school days, memories of him always leap to mind.
Flash forward 30 years to a year and a half ago and we found each other on Facebook through a friend of a friend. We started chatting online and then when we had our first phone call it was like 30 years never happened and we were back in high school again. The connection was still there and it was great.
Well, not so great. If it was I wouldn't be here, right?
His job entailed that he be sober for 30 days while he was working but, when he would get two weeks off, he would drink heavily. So much so that he would go in to bouts of depression during that time. I figured it was a combination of the nature of his job, which is very stressful, and his being lonely. My heart just went out to him during these periods and I could always hear "the kid" I knew 30 years before.
I live away from our home town and where he was living. So, on the next trip back home, we met up. It was great. We fell in love and knew we needed to be together. He didn't drink heavily during that time, maybe a few beers each day but nothing overboard. We spent a week together and reminisced about high school and friends and how our lives turned out.
After my visit and me coming back home to where I live currently, he wanted to be with me, I wanted to be with him too. He left his job and moved out west to where I am. Things were going well for a while but the drinking just got progressively worse. At first he was a happy drunk and he would drink and we would party and all of it was OK. I wasn't used to this kind of lifestyle but it didn't seem out of control.
After about a year the drinking episodes turned more and more aggressive and prolonged. So much so that he was becoming aggressive towards me. One night I had to call the police because he was in a drunken rage and was screaming at me and wasn't making sense. I knew something had to give at that point. I was way in over my head and not prepared for this kind of relationship. I even mused at the fact that he made my ex seem like he wasn't as bad as I thought he was.
In the last month my BF decided he was going to go back home and see if he could get back on with the company again. I didn't fight him on that decision because I was just too drained and ready to end the relationship anyway. I knew this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life.
While he was back home, my BF was in a hotel room and started drinking and drinking and drinking. He went in to a deep depression and I could tell over the phone he was entering dangerous suicidal territory. After about a week of that I convinced him to get help and now he's in recovery at an in patient facility.
He's been there for 3 months now, clean and sober. He calls me every day and writes to me about as often. He thanks me for getting him help and tells me how much he loves me and misses me. He's apologized more than once for what he put me through and say he'll make it up to me when he gets out. He's obligated to stay another 3 months.
I'm going to go visit him mid-June. I'm very excited to see him and the progress he has made.
Of course, I'm also very anxious. I don't know how life is going to be with the "sober" BF. I think it will be like starting over again getting to know each other. I'm hoping we can get back to that innocent high school time when we were honest and respected each other.
Thanks for reading my post. Hopefully I didn't ramble too much.
Any hints, tips, suggestions on relationships after recovery would be appreciated.
I'm new
Ummm.. where do I start?
I met my BF 30 years ago when we were in high-school. We were just friends at the time. We would talk on the phone for hours and hang out together at school. People thought we were dating but it never evolved in to that kind of a relationship. We were just honest with each other and we respected that in one another. He suddenly had to move out of state in Senior year and we lost touch with one another. But, he was the kind of person who always stuck in my head. When I would think about high school days, memories of him always leap to mind.
Flash forward 30 years to a year and a half ago and we found each other on Facebook through a friend of a friend. We started chatting online and then when we had our first phone call it was like 30 years never happened and we were back in high school again. The connection was still there and it was great.
Well, not so great. If it was I wouldn't be here, right?
His job entailed that he be sober for 30 days while he was working but, when he would get two weeks off, he would drink heavily. So much so that he would go in to bouts of depression during that time. I figured it was a combination of the nature of his job, which is very stressful, and his being lonely. My heart just went out to him during these periods and I could always hear "the kid" I knew 30 years before.
I live away from our home town and where he was living. So, on the next trip back home, we met up. It was great. We fell in love and knew we needed to be together. He didn't drink heavily during that time, maybe a few beers each day but nothing overboard. We spent a week together and reminisced about high school and friends and how our lives turned out.
After my visit and me coming back home to where I live currently, he wanted to be with me, I wanted to be with him too. He left his job and moved out west to where I am. Things were going well for a while but the drinking just got progressively worse. At first he was a happy drunk and he would drink and we would party and all of it was OK. I wasn't used to this kind of lifestyle but it didn't seem out of control.
After about a year the drinking episodes turned more and more aggressive and prolonged. So much so that he was becoming aggressive towards me. One night I had to call the police because he was in a drunken rage and was screaming at me and wasn't making sense. I knew something had to give at that point. I was way in over my head and not prepared for this kind of relationship. I even mused at the fact that he made my ex seem like he wasn't as bad as I thought he was.
In the last month my BF decided he was going to go back home and see if he could get back on with the company again. I didn't fight him on that decision because I was just too drained and ready to end the relationship anyway. I knew this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life.
While he was back home, my BF was in a hotel room and started drinking and drinking and drinking. He went in to a deep depression and I could tell over the phone he was entering dangerous suicidal territory. After about a week of that I convinced him to get help and now he's in recovery at an in patient facility.
He's been there for 3 months now, clean and sober. He calls me every day and writes to me about as often. He thanks me for getting him help and tells me how much he loves me and misses me. He's apologized more than once for what he put me through and say he'll make it up to me when he gets out. He's obligated to stay another 3 months.
I'm going to go visit him mid-June. I'm very excited to see him and the progress he has made.
Of course, I'm also very anxious. I don't know how life is going to be with the "sober" BF. I think it will be like starting over again getting to know each other. I'm hoping we can get back to that innocent high school time when we were honest and respected each other.
Thanks for reading my post. Hopefully I didn't ramble too much.
Any hints, tips, suggestions on relationships after recovery would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Ghostly Vision, welcome to SR. Is this your partner's first time at rehab? I am not familiar with such a long program but the fact he is still there is promising. I can just imagine how excited you will be to see him sober and healthy next month.
He is safe and working on him. What are you doing for you? When my H was in rehab, I started counseling. I also tried Al Anon meetings. I also found SR very useful and educational.
Hugs and welcome!
He is safe and working on him. What are you doing for you? When my H was in rehab, I started counseling. I also tried Al Anon meetings. I also found SR very useful and educational.
Hugs and welcome!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm so happy to hear that your boyfriend has chosen recovery, and I hope it continues! My understanding is that, recovery often takes a few attempts to get right. Unfortunately, rehab is not a 'one and done' deal. Every addict, in recovery or not, is one bad decision away from full-blown addiction again.
I'm not saying this to rain on your parade, not at all! I think many weeks clean for an alcoholic is a miracle worth celebrating!!
Just my very humble 2 cents:
Do let him work his recovery program--whatever form that takes for him.
Don't let his alcoholism become the central and overriding focus of both your lives.
Do realize that you, your health, your peace and joy are just as important.
I'm not saying this to rain on your parade, not at all! I think many weeks clean for an alcoholic is a miracle worth celebrating!!
Just my very humble 2 cents:
Do let him work his recovery program--whatever form that takes for him.
Don't let his alcoholism become the central and overriding focus of both your lives.
Do realize that you, your health, your peace and joy are just as important.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 18
Hi, and thank you for taking the time to read my post!
No, this is not my partner's first time in recovery. He went through the same program 3 years ago before we met. His father passed away at the time and my BF didn't get the opportunity for closure. It sent him down a path of heavy drinking and he went to rehab to get over it. I think he thought that once he was out of rehab he could still have a handle on drinking, and now we see where that got him.
I agree the 6 month program seems long. And because he's been there before we discussed him leaving early at 3 months only because he feels like he just needed a refresher course to reinforce all that he learned the first time around. He says the cravings for alcohol have left him and he really feels healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually now.
As far as counseling for me? Gee.. I never thought I needed counseling. I do talk to my mentor and best friend a lot about the experience. And I am reading all I can about alcoholism and different treatment and recovery methods. I am leaning toward some of the non-AA recovery methods. I don't believe that life happens to you, you make it what it is. Yes, I do believe in God, but that doesn't mean that everything faith based comes from God. I read about AVRT or RR last night and I tend to agree with what is being said there. I think we make choices and we have to understand the consequences of those choices.
I've worked on myself long enough to know I have value and a say in how my life should go. This experience has taught me that even though I love my BF deeply that doesn't mean he's allowed to hurt me or treat me with disrespect or take me for granted.
I've already discussed with him the possibility of our relationship changing once he's out of recovery. That beautiful, intelligent, interesting woman he fell in love with through the haze of alcohol may now seem to be a boring, frumpy, fat chick with an attitude. (I am a boring, frumpy, fat chick, with an attitude, by the way. Really, I look like somebody's Mom. I have no idea what he sees in me whatsoever. He looks like Brad Pitt and I look like Melissa McCarthy, he's way out of my league.) And yes, that obviously scares me but I don't let it define me. If this doesn't work out, I know another guy will come along eventually.
And Seren, thank you for that advice about not letting his addiction be the central overriding force in our lives. I really would like to be able to relax and focus on being happy together once he comes out of recovery. Hopefully he can feel the same way too.
Looking forward to posting and chatting with you all. This site has been a great resource in finding out more about alcoholism and recovery. Thank you all for participating in it!
No, this is not my partner's first time in recovery. He went through the same program 3 years ago before we met. His father passed away at the time and my BF didn't get the opportunity for closure. It sent him down a path of heavy drinking and he went to rehab to get over it. I think he thought that once he was out of rehab he could still have a handle on drinking, and now we see where that got him.
I agree the 6 month program seems long. And because he's been there before we discussed him leaving early at 3 months only because he feels like he just needed a refresher course to reinforce all that he learned the first time around. He says the cravings for alcohol have left him and he really feels healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually now.
As far as counseling for me? Gee.. I never thought I needed counseling. I do talk to my mentor and best friend a lot about the experience. And I am reading all I can about alcoholism and different treatment and recovery methods. I am leaning toward some of the non-AA recovery methods. I don't believe that life happens to you, you make it what it is. Yes, I do believe in God, but that doesn't mean that everything faith based comes from God. I read about AVRT or RR last night and I tend to agree with what is being said there. I think we make choices and we have to understand the consequences of those choices.
I've worked on myself long enough to know I have value and a say in how my life should go. This experience has taught me that even though I love my BF deeply that doesn't mean he's allowed to hurt me or treat me with disrespect or take me for granted.
I've already discussed with him the possibility of our relationship changing once he's out of recovery. That beautiful, intelligent, interesting woman he fell in love with through the haze of alcohol may now seem to be a boring, frumpy, fat chick with an attitude. (I am a boring, frumpy, fat chick, with an attitude, by the way. Really, I look like somebody's Mom. I have no idea what he sees in me whatsoever. He looks like Brad Pitt and I look like Melissa McCarthy, he's way out of my league.) And yes, that obviously scares me but I don't let it define me. If this doesn't work out, I know another guy will come along eventually.
And Seren, thank you for that advice about not letting his addiction be the central overriding force in our lives. I really would like to be able to relax and focus on being happy together once he comes out of recovery. Hopefully he can feel the same way too.
Looking forward to posting and chatting with you all. This site has been a great resource in finding out more about alcoholism and recovery. Thank you all for participating in it!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
ghostlyvision, you sound strong and realistic. Those qualities will surely stand you in good stead, no matter what life tosses your way!
I hope you can spend a lot of time reading and learning--don't miss the stickied threads at the top of the page, either.
Glad to have you here!
I hope you can spend a lot of time reading and learning--don't miss the stickied threads at the top of the page, either.
Glad to have you here!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
(I am a boring, frumpy, fat chick, with an attitude, by the way. Really, I look like somebody's Mom. I have no idea what he sees in me whatsoever. He looks like Brad Pitt and I look like Melissa McCarthy, he's way out of my league.)
don't sell yourself short darlin'! I have to chuckle because I have much of that same sentiment with hank. I was in better shape when we met 11 years ago (i'm 54 now) but I was no supermodel! he on the other hand...sigh. he's 48, you'd guess close to ten years younger, body remains in fabulous shape, still has a gorgeous head of hair altho he is convinced his hairline is receding.
but you know what he told me once? which has to be the most well intended back handed compliment ever? baby, he said, I've had the prom queens and the arm candy......and i'd rather be with you. (cough, um, thanks hon) he says i'm the most beautiful person, inside and out, he's ever met. i'm thinking that inside/outside ratio might be a bit skewed to about 70/30....but that's ok.
you just keep being you. you shine so brightly thru your posts. you ARE smart witty intelligent and beautiful.
don't sell yourself short darlin'! I have to chuckle because I have much of that same sentiment with hank. I was in better shape when we met 11 years ago (i'm 54 now) but I was no supermodel! he on the other hand...sigh. he's 48, you'd guess close to ten years younger, body remains in fabulous shape, still has a gorgeous head of hair altho he is convinced his hairline is receding.
but you know what he told me once? which has to be the most well intended back handed compliment ever? baby, he said, I've had the prom queens and the arm candy......and i'd rather be with you. (cough, um, thanks hon) he says i'm the most beautiful person, inside and out, he's ever met. i'm thinking that inside/outside ratio might be a bit skewed to about 70/30....but that's ok.
you just keep being you. you shine so brightly thru your posts. you ARE smart witty intelligent and beautiful.
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