hardhearts

I don't really know why I'm making this thread but I find myself consumed with anxiety, worry, and a ton of fear tonight and I don't really know where it's coming from or why I have it. Last week it was more loneliness and sadness but I knew that was from isolation, mostly. I went to my AA meeting today and went to the gym and meditated and did everything on paper I'm supposed to do so the control freak in me is angry that I feel this way.

I'm told early sobriety is like this, and while I am 78 days sober I was veeery resistant at first and then I was nervous which delayed being active in my recovery for awhile. So I didn't ask or start working with my sponsor until ~two weeks ago ago. Maybe that's why I feel like I can't figure out which way is up? I don't really know what to do about it. I used to drink about it. But I guess now I've gotta ride it out...

GotGrace

I'm sorry you are struggling this evening, hardhearts. The first weeks of sobriety can be very emotional and unsettling. I hope you will hang in there and find something to distract your mind tonight. Our minds can be the toughest things to battle! Sometimes when I am feeling unsettled I do some reading on sobriety or recovery. It helps me to know that not only am I not the only one to struggle, but people have actually taken the time to write about the struggle!

Hevyn

I definitely had those feelings in the early months. They'd come out of nowhere, sometimes waking me up at night. Part of it might have been the suspicion that I wouldn't be able to stay the course. The past would haunt me too, even when I thought I'd dealt with it. These feelings all faded away - and I rarely have them now.

I think it's normal to be all over the place for awhile. We've been through so much. Be patient with yourself - you're doing great.

RumHound

I experienced all of these in early sobriety and more; remorse, shame, indecisiveness, uncertainty, anger, envy....ugh, a bunch more.

They told me to share this stuff. I did. They told me that I would get better one day at a time. It did.

Took me awhile, though. Had to have help. No way I could do it myself.

Keep doin' what yer doin'.

Ruby2

Thanks for your post. I've been feeling angry, sad, overwhelmed all day long and most of yesterday. Guess we aren't alone. I took my daughter out for ice cream and then dropped in at a friends house and visited for about twenty minutes. It got me out of myself and I felt better. Broke up the routine of sadness I've been letting take over. It will pass. Writing helps out a lot.

Anna

Hardhearts, I was a control-freak too, and learning to let go of trying to control things in my life was really hard.

I found that journaling really helped me a lot in early recovery.

deeker

When I started working the steps I knew I was going to face some feelings I always numbed. It is very scarey. It's still scarey.

hardhearts

It is comforting to know that everyone else deals with these things, especially early on. I called my sponsor (after 30 minutes of worrying about whether or not I should bother her... shocker) and she told me that struggling with feelings is normal because I spent so long abusing substances to avoid them. Then she told me that working the steps is hard and uncomfortable and comes on like a rollercoaster because you are digging deep. It makes sense but it doesn't make it easier. I identify with being told to share, asking for help. I have to remember to reach out and ask for help, and that talking to someone who understands is actually crucial and not annoying them.

Hevyn, I definitely have fear of relapse. Not even my own, just the concept. And the fear that I am doing recovery wrong or that I don't belong, whatever it is. Holding on.

Thanks y'all, I am so, so grateful for all of this and this site. My anxiety tonight has me almost out of my skin, I literally jumped a foot when someone came into the kitchen behind me. Really out of character for me. I feel better after reaching out, though. I'll learn. Easy does it.