mel1479

I understand what addiction can be.
Growing up my parents were addicted to prescription pills, and with that came a lot of unnecessary evils. I always felt like if they loved me enough it would stop. I didn't understand that it had nothing to do with me. Now they're both clean, happy, functioning and I understand why it wasn't up to me to save them.
Now I'm in a relationship with an alcoholic.
I only know what I've read about, and as much as he is an incredible person during the day, night time is still a gamble concerning his mood/behavior.
He admits to his addiction, has been through rehab and the AA meetings, and is still admitting to "not being ready." Logically I know that this means he isn't ready for US either. But for as many stories I've heard and read about leaving your ABF behind, I can't help but wonder if it's really so naive to have hope? Is there a chance? COULD it work? Do those stories exist too?

honeypig

Hi, mel479--glad you found us here at SR. It sounds like you have some firsthand experience with addiction, and also like you understand that your A isn't going to quit "b/c he loves you so much."

The first question that comes to my mind is why you'd want to jump back into the hell of active addiction, knowing what it's like. However, the fact that you're the child of addicted parents probably explains all that. Although it had to be awful, still, life with an addict is what you know. It's your comfort zone, it's familiar. My A is the child of an A, and the grandchild of an A also--it's his world, and it's left deep, deep marks on him, as I suspect it has on you.

Have you seen this section of the forum yet? Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information You might find it very revealing to see how much you have in common with other adult children of addicted or alcoholic parents. Have you sought any help for yourself such as in ACOA? Alanon would likely be helpful also.

I know I haven't yet answered your question as to whether there are any "happy endings." Yes, of course there are, but I don't believe any of them involve an actively drinking A who is "not ready to stop." Those stories tend to end a little differently. If you can spend some time reading here, you'll get an idea of what you can most likely expect from this relationship if you pursue it.

There is a lot of experience, strength and hope shared here every day--I hope you can benefit from it!

Pia

Reading your story made me think of comparing an alcoholic to a lottery scratch off. Oh how you hope you are going to have the winning ticket this time then you scratch and it is not a winner. How many tickets are you going to buy and how much time are you going to waste just for a hope the ticket is the winning one?

AnvilheadII

i suspect that it's possible when you ask Is there Hope you are really restating this belief:

I always felt like if they loved me enough it would stop.

if love cured addiction, none of us would be HERE and there wouldn't be a treatment center around every corner. addiction and love for others don't operate in the same time zone, or the same thought processes. addiction is a private to the individual as their own skin leaving no space for another. and in order to fully RELEASE the addiction, the addict must do so from the soul level, expeience a spiritual shift away from the drugs and back towards life.

and it ain't easy lemme tell you! addicts are brain damaged. they do not HAVE normal thinking patterns. everything runs thru the filter of addiction first. their brains have been rewired to become dependent upon the drug - right up there with breathing air.

you have a confirmed alcoholic who has "tried" the recovery stuff and found it lacking and therefore isn't ready to quit. that means he ain't quitting any time soon. if ever. he isn't INTERESTED in quitting. so that is your reality...you either find a way to accept him AS HE IS or not. i hope you choose not to waste more of your life under addiction's pall..........

dandylion

mel--I am willing to bet that you didn't grow up "dreaming" of being with a life partner that regarded you as #2 priority in his life.

dandylion

mel1479

You have all given me great advice, and quite a lot to think about and I so appreciate it. Is it bad to know how it will end, and choose to hang on a little longer for the good days? I suppose it's selfish, but I guess truth is I have a little recovering to do myself as to why I'm allowing myself stay and what's making ME tick. I do think I'll get into some al-anon meetings and I love the idea! This is all new to me and I didn't even know that help was available to me too and not just the addicted. Thank you all so much.

Pia

Shaking my head because I know the pain you will experience if you do!!(saying this in honestly and not to be mean)

Check out the book Codependent no More by Melody Beattie from Amazon.
There are activities that you do and you will gain insight about your feelings and how to help yourself.

dandylion

mel--it is a great idea to go to alanon and embark on the literal "adventure" of getting to know yourself. It will literally change your life!! No kidding.

dandylion

Raider

mel1479
Member


Join Date: May 2014
Location: Tampa, fl.
Posts: 2
"Is it bad to know how it will end, and choose to hang on a little longer for the good days? "


It's not bad for me, but I suspect it will be heartache and disappointment for you, and that is very sad.

honeypig

Oh, my goodness, mel479, there is a whole world of help for you, and I am overjoyed that you're willing to look into it! I'll post a few links to help you get started:

Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc. This is to the site of the Adult Children of Alcoholics, or ACOA, site. I know your parents were pill users and not alcoholics, but the end result was the same, and I'm certain you would be welcomed at any ACOA meeting you cared to attend.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ This is to Alanon, the group for family and friends of alcoholics.

You might like to take a look at the literature of these groups; your local library likely has at least some on hand. You can find tons more at Amazon by simply searching "Alanon books" or "ACOA books."

Then, of course, there's SR--in addition to this section of the Friends and Family forum, there is another section at the top, called the "stickies" section. You'll find lots of useful reading there too. Here are a few examples:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

And of course just reading other threads here will help you learn what you're up against in trying to have a relationship with an A. There's a lot of hard-won wisdom here.

Again, welcome--know that you are NOT alone!

mel1479

After reading the 10 days family members can help a loved one I can't help but wonder, aren't most of the things I "shouldn't" do required to have a relationship? how do I challenge my partner, uplift him, give him grace and comfort while implemening some of these mentioned steps? I will no longer be giving rides, picking him up from the bar, or being home when he's drinking, including turning my phone off while I'm away (already confronted him on this) because it's not fair to me and I realize that o don't have to be in the middle of these things. We don't drink together, nor do I go to the bar with him to hang out, but I can't help but feel like it's a part time relationship because of this. Is this okay, or normal for that matter, to be away from a loved one to prove that I'm not okay with his habits?

ladyscribbler

If you're determined to try to have a relationship with an alcoholic, then yes.
If you do some work on yourself and in the future choose a healthy, non addicted partner, then you will be able to enjoy a normal, enriching, uplifting relationship.
While you are with an active alcoholic his world will revolve around alcohol, and his primary relationship will be with the bottle, which only really leaves crumbs for you. His relationship with you will always be second to his relationship with alcohol.
You are not going to make him love you enough to stop drinking because the disease doesn't work that way. I've spent most of my adult life reliving my relationship with my alcoholic father and it has never once had a happy ending. I decided to give up trying to fill my soul with a relationship and started healing from the inside. Alanon has helped me a great deal and so has individual therapy.

CarryThatWeight

I think you will find Al Anon will be very helpful for you. Many people there have been in your shoes, and while they don't give advice, they can share what they did. More importantly, you will find understanding without judgment, and no one there will tell you to leave your BF. You have to be ready to do that. If you're not ready, you'll just go back and get right back on that codependent merry-go-round for another few turns. Even if you are ready, it's hard. It's YOUR life, and you have to decide what's best for you. Glad you're here.

CarryThatWeight

I wish I could like this 1000 times!!!

mel1479

You all make me feel like maybe I'm not crazy. Everyone's journey seems to be very personal and not so "by the book" and it's amazing to feel support from other angles. Thank you Thank you Thank you for being here.

LoveMeNow

IMO, many of us recreate our experiences from our childhood. It really helped me to work with a therapist to heal some very old and unresolved issues with my father (not an addict/alcoholic) but still emotionally unavailable.

dandylion

mel---I had to learn that many of the principles that I had l earned and believed should apply to a healthy relationship--a real partnership---backfire on me in a relationship with an alcoholic or addict. Once the alcohol takes over the life of the person--you are dealing with a disease that has no compassion or morals. You are not dealing directly with your loved one, any longer--because he is controlled, himself, by the disease.
To stay in the relationship--as in living together---requires some of the kinds of adjustments that you might not relish in your ideal relationship. Interdependence, for instance requires a fair amount of equity between two people. Equity in a relationship with an alcoholic...ppfftttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

LadyinBC

There is nothing wrong with having hope and hearing the good stories, however, you need to be realistic.

When I quit drinking I was under the impression that everything would be all rainbows and sunshine and well.........it's just not.

For me quitting drinking was one thing, learning to live a sober life and staying sober is totally something else. Recovery takes years not just a few months. In fact, I will be in recovery for the rest of my life.

I will be an alcoholic till the day I die, there is no cure for it and I can't guarantee anything. I certainly don't plan on going back there, however, if I went back to it, I would be right back where I ended. And it wouldn't be pretty.

Don't let yourself get lost in this because the cycle can be endless. Make sure you look out for yourself first.

NWGRITS

You'll see it said often here that "alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages." I think that really sums up why trying to make it work with an A is the definition of insanity. Come over to the Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents board and get to know more of us who've BTDT. We don't bite.

unsureoffuture

Its tough Mel. He may or may not get better. Aloholism is a progressive disease so without committing to any treatment, he will most certainly get worse. Al-anon will help you become healthy and strong so that you are able to make decisions about your relationship that are in your best interest. If you set some clear boundaries about the things that bother you and what you are willing to accept....nighttime drinking, behaviors,moods etc...he may change those things or he may not. The recovery has to come from him. You will learn how to be supportive of him without losing yourself.