Are you kidding me?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Peoria, IL
Posts: 32
Are you kidding me?
I know I am supposed to detach, focus on myself, etc, but this is bothering me. I'm sorry it's long & I hesitate to post bc I feel so stupid and annoying. I've not had an outlet in so long and SR has allowed me to finally put my truth out there in the world and it helps me very much.
I've posted that I own a business and largely work from home. My AH does not work. He claims to be a stay at home dad, but didn't work during my pregnancy, and we have fought for 6 years about him getting a job. So, fine. He's here. When I'm not with clients there is a lot of work to be done. I'm at my computer inside, and b/c I'm inside, and the kids are, too, he finds stupid things to avoid taking care of them. The garage has been "cleaned" and "moved around," not exaggerating, upwards of 50 times. I could care about the garage, landscaping, and "stepping across the street for a few minutes" to hang out with the stay at home ass across the street, which turns into at least an hour, usually more, if it's later he starts drinking.
Yesterday he avoided kids by grocery shopping (it doesn't take 3 hours), then mowing. He had to borrow a mower, which took an hour, then disappeared while mowing. I called him and texted 10 times and no response, as both kids were home, I was working, needing help, and our son had an accident and there was poop all over the floor, he's crying, the neighbor girl as at the door and my DD is wanting to go outside, it's a disaster. Get that under control, go look for him bc he won't answer phone, find him hiding w/neighbor behind n's garage door. He comes home for 10 min, and says, "I have to go get gas for the mower." I said, "Really?" He got super po'ed and left.
Came back and was going to mow more. (See how long this process is taking?)
I voiced my needs and stated, "hey honey, can you come in after mowing and not go across the street?" He said yes. An hour later he disappears, I'm just done w kids/need to work and he is again not answering phone. Nowhere to be found. I walk around the house and see him in the f-ing neighbor's garage sitting back and smoking. And it's been 25 minutes that he's disappeared. I just thought he was switching mowers.
I'm like, "what are you doing?" "Jesus," he responds. I've had it at that point. With the kids, him, work, all of it. So I got really angry. Got over it.
But why did he have to do the ONE thing I asked him not to, aside from pushing me to the point of explosion due to stress, as he does this a lot. It had been building, and I'm utterly exhausted.
Same this morning. He goes out to the garage and he's working on "art". F-ing gluing Popsicle sticks together, then went to the asshat neighbor's!
He makes verbal laundry lists of things he's done through the day, the only thing missing is wiping his ass.
I can't afford a sitter (one income!) and have tried that before, & it just gives him more freedom. Family doesn't help, except once a month. After taking every excuse he has, he won't work.
What is with this sense of entitlement that:
1. He doesn't have to work, but I do
2. Can spend this time doing whatever he wants (his argument is do u think I want to b taking care of kids & house all day? But he really isn't)
3. Doesn't he have any shame in not contributing financially when we live a life of difficult finances?
4. Why did he have to do the one thing I asked him not to?
5. How can I deal with this?
Again, I'm sorry it's long, and I feel the way I stated above. Thank you for reading
. So glad I found SR.
I've posted that I own a business and largely work from home. My AH does not work. He claims to be a stay at home dad, but didn't work during my pregnancy, and we have fought for 6 years about him getting a job. So, fine. He's here. When I'm not with clients there is a lot of work to be done. I'm at my computer inside, and b/c I'm inside, and the kids are, too, he finds stupid things to avoid taking care of them. The garage has been "cleaned" and "moved around," not exaggerating, upwards of 50 times. I could care about the garage, landscaping, and "stepping across the street for a few minutes" to hang out with the stay at home ass across the street, which turns into at least an hour, usually more, if it's later he starts drinking.
Yesterday he avoided kids by grocery shopping (it doesn't take 3 hours), then mowing. He had to borrow a mower, which took an hour, then disappeared while mowing. I called him and texted 10 times and no response, as both kids were home, I was working, needing help, and our son had an accident and there was poop all over the floor, he's crying, the neighbor girl as at the door and my DD is wanting to go outside, it's a disaster. Get that under control, go look for him bc he won't answer phone, find him hiding w/neighbor behind n's garage door. He comes home for 10 min, and says, "I have to go get gas for the mower." I said, "Really?" He got super po'ed and left.
Came back and was going to mow more. (See how long this process is taking?)
I voiced my needs and stated, "hey honey, can you come in after mowing and not go across the street?" He said yes. An hour later he disappears, I'm just done w kids/need to work and he is again not answering phone. Nowhere to be found. I walk around the house and see him in the f-ing neighbor's garage sitting back and smoking. And it's been 25 minutes that he's disappeared. I just thought he was switching mowers.
I'm like, "what are you doing?" "Jesus," he responds. I've had it at that point. With the kids, him, work, all of it. So I got really angry. Got over it.
But why did he have to do the ONE thing I asked him not to, aside from pushing me to the point of explosion due to stress, as he does this a lot. It had been building, and I'm utterly exhausted.
Same this morning. He goes out to the garage and he's working on "art". F-ing gluing Popsicle sticks together, then went to the asshat neighbor's!
He makes verbal laundry lists of things he's done through the day, the only thing missing is wiping his ass.
I can't afford a sitter (one income!) and have tried that before, & it just gives him more freedom. Family doesn't help, except once a month. After taking every excuse he has, he won't work.
What is with this sense of entitlement that:
1. He doesn't have to work, but I do
2. Can spend this time doing whatever he wants (his argument is do u think I want to b taking care of kids & house all day? But he really isn't)
3. Doesn't he have any shame in not contributing financially when we live a life of difficult finances?
4. Why did he have to do the one thing I asked him not to?
5. How can I deal with this?
Again, I'm sorry it's long, and I feel the way I stated above. Thank you for reading
. So glad I found SR.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Peoria, IL
Posts: 32
A toddler, that is hilarious and sad. Most people have said teenager. I don't know what to do. I know he's an alcoholic. It's painful. More painful than any physical pain I've ever experienced.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
for six years or more he's been riding the gravy train....not working, nor having any intentions OF getting a job, doing what he wants when he wants with zero concern for how this might affect anyone else - wife and children included. why does he do it? CUZ HE CAN. with no consequences.
time to pull the cover off this "stay at home dad" crap and call it what it is. waste of space freeloader. you'd probably find things running a lot more smoothly, efficiently and peacefully with him out from underfoot. he certainly is NOT acting like a husband or a father. as Grits said so well, he's about as grown up as a toddler, but my bet would be on the toddler.
he's not going to change. hell, why should he?
time to pull the cover off this "stay at home dad" crap and call it what it is. waste of space freeloader. you'd probably find things running a lot more smoothly, efficiently and peacefully with him out from underfoot. he certainly is NOT acting like a husband or a father. as Grits said so well, he's about as grown up as a toddler, but my bet would be on the toddler.
he's not going to change. hell, why should he?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Why do you stay with him? I sure couldn't. At least if you were on your own, you'd know what to expect. Also... he has it MADE (except for his "b**ching wife... which is what he's probably telling the asshat neighbor). Why would he change? He can just F off all day long with no repercussions.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
It might be easier to detach if he wasn't there. Agree with Anvil, the whole sahd thing is a pretty sweet scam because he's got it made. Bills paid, no real responsibilities, free to drink all day. What are you getting out of this?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
You've just painted a picture of a totally useless husband, and yourself as a doormat.
I want to commend you for working so hard to take care of your house and your children. I think I can safely say that you probably don't get enough praise there, and you deserve it, and to feel good about yourself for all you do.
Can't commend you for taking care of him though.
This is one of those times I want to say: Tell him to get off his rear and get a job or get out, and mean it.
Now for my nicer side...
"I need you to contribute more. This is taking a toll on me, and I can't do it all. I need you to do your part and help out and meet me half-way. I need you to work during the day, and not hang with the neighbor during working hours."
Would it do any good at all to say those things? You're probably going to respond with that you've said them ad nauseum in the past...
I want to commend you for working so hard to take care of your house and your children. I think I can safely say that you probably don't get enough praise there, and you deserve it, and to feel good about yourself for all you do.
Can't commend you for taking care of him though.
This is one of those times I want to say: Tell him to get off his rear and get a job or get out, and mean it.
Now for my nicer side...
"I need you to contribute more. This is taking a toll on me, and I can't do it all. I need you to do your part and help out and meet me half-way. I need you to work during the day, and not hang with the neighbor during working hours."
Would it do any good at all to say those things? You're probably going to respond with that you've said them ad nauseum in the past...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
My X did the same thing to me, he'd work now and then but nothing ever steady. As for me with working non stop since the day I met him. When I knew I had enough being married to him I figured not supporting him I could hire a sitter (if my kids were younger), a landscaper, a shopper and anything else I needed with the money I would be saving.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
After all these years his routine is established and is not likely going to change. He knows what you expect from him and he knows that there are no consequences for not meeting those expectations.
Your frustration stems from his inability to live up to your expectations. Since you can't do anything about his laziness, you might want to look at your expectations of him. If you need help with the kids during the day so you can focus on work, then you will have to find it elsewhere.
Your frustration stems from his inability to live up to your expectations. Since you can't do anything about his laziness, you might want to look at your expectations of him. If you need help with the kids during the day so you can focus on work, then you will have to find it elsewhere.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Peoria, IL
Posts: 32
Anvil, this is what a therapist said. It hurt. It's the truth.
Refiner - why I stay is because I love him. I'm holding onto hope. I'm being manipulated a little at a time and he's gotten six years out of it. He has made promises and it's not always bad. I hold on for the better days. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit it, but it's the truth.
Ladys- what I get I guess is SOME help. He has left many times before. It's basically 2-4 weeks of him living with friends. Then he comes back the person I met and fell in love with. I fall into it bc it's what my heart wants so terribly bad. I think this time he's learned. I guess he's learned it sucks to work and take care of yourself and a family.
Blue- I have said these things until I'm blue in the face. He says he will get a job and punishes me by ignoring me for days, being terribly mean and treating me like dirt, doing absolutely nothing. It's hell. Then he looks for a job to placate me, and eventually I get caught up with life and here we go again.
I'm all mixed up. Between loving him and being exhausted, bad days, great days, remembering the pain of him not being here, that believe it or not it's better than it was, you cannot imagine how terrible it used to be. It was terrible. It's better. But not good.
This is all the awful truth of it, of me. Maybe he is using me. Trying to talk to him is futile. I guess it's time to figure out what to do next. I can't do another day like yesterday. Our son is going to kindergarten in August and so the ruse is up then. At least then I will be able to manage on my own better.
Refiner - why I stay is because I love him. I'm holding onto hope. I'm being manipulated a little at a time and he's gotten six years out of it. He has made promises and it's not always bad. I hold on for the better days. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit it, but it's the truth.
Ladys- what I get I guess is SOME help. He has left many times before. It's basically 2-4 weeks of him living with friends. Then he comes back the person I met and fell in love with. I fall into it bc it's what my heart wants so terribly bad. I think this time he's learned. I guess he's learned it sucks to work and take care of yourself and a family.
Blue- I have said these things until I'm blue in the face. He says he will get a job and punishes me by ignoring me for days, being terribly mean and treating me like dirt, doing absolutely nothing. It's hell. Then he looks for a job to placate me, and eventually I get caught up with life and here we go again.
I'm all mixed up. Between loving him and being exhausted, bad days, great days, remembering the pain of him not being here, that believe it or not it's better than it was, you cannot imagine how terrible it used to be. It was terrible. It's better. But not good.
This is all the awful truth of it, of me. Maybe he is using me. Trying to talk to him is futile. I guess it's time to figure out what to do next. I can't do another day like yesterday. Our son is going to kindergarten in August and so the ruse is up then. At least then I will be able to manage on my own better.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I think the person you fell in love with is a front he puts up to get what he wants. Then when he gets it, you see the real him. He has also trained you pretty effectively. This is all a well established pattern. He leaves, you're lonely. He comes back and it's all lovey dovey just long enough for him to weasel his way back in. If you nag him into getting a job he punishes you with the silent treatment until you give him his own way.
You are being abused and taken advantage of, but you are allowing it to happen. You are a dynamic, hard working woman who deserves better than what you are settling for.
Keep posting, and think of what you really want out of life.
You are being abused and taken advantage of, but you are allowing it to happen. You are a dynamic, hard working woman who deserves better than what you are settling for.
Keep posting, and think of what you really want out of life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Ariel1030 
I'm being manipulated a little at a time and he's gotten six years out of it.
I hold on for the better days.
I guess he's learned it sucks to work and take care of yourself and a family.
He says he will get a job and punishes me by ignoring me for days, being terribly mean and treating me like dirt, doing absolutely nothing. It's hell.
Maybe he is using me.
Trying to talk to him is futile.
I can't do another day like yesterday.
I hold on for the better days.
I guess he's learned it sucks to work and take care of yourself and a family.
He says he will get a job and punishes me by ignoring me for days, being terribly mean and treating me like dirt, doing absolutely nothing. It's hell.
Maybe he is using me.
Trying to talk to him is futile.
I can't do another day like yesterday.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
My STBXAH only gives whatever it will take to keep the gravy train rolling. Otherwise, he does whatever he wants to do.
Just this week we came to a final divorce agreement. I have the papers and I'm ready to sign. Part of his custody agreement was to go to counseling for three months and report back to the court to show that he is capable of having unsupervised visitation with our toddler daughter. What do you know, a week after coming to this agreement, the court sends me a letter saying that his counselor booted him after two no-call-no-shows and refusal to submit a drug screening. Oh well! Supervision forever.
Which is just to say that this could go on indefinitely, whether or not you're the conductor of the gravy train. This is exactly how my STBXAH was when I was with him, and it's exactly how he is when I'm not with him. I put a time limit on how long I would be able to deal with his behavior after I thought I was already at the end of my rope. I said a year, and he could never make it that long. But my STBXAH was reportedly "in recovery" (never really was) -- and yours doesn't seem to acknowledge there is a problem here at all.
The litmus test I used after finding SR was, "Don't put myself out doing something for him that any other grown man is able and willing to do for himself."
Just this week we came to a final divorce agreement. I have the papers and I'm ready to sign. Part of his custody agreement was to go to counseling for three months and report back to the court to show that he is capable of having unsupervised visitation with our toddler daughter. What do you know, a week after coming to this agreement, the court sends me a letter saying that his counselor booted him after two no-call-no-shows and refusal to submit a drug screening. Oh well! Supervision forever.
Which is just to say that this could go on indefinitely, whether or not you're the conductor of the gravy train. This is exactly how my STBXAH was when I was with him, and it's exactly how he is when I'm not with him. I put a time limit on how long I would be able to deal with his behavior after I thought I was already at the end of my rope. I said a year, and he could never make it that long. But my STBXAH was reportedly "in recovery" (never really was) -- and yours doesn't seem to acknowledge there is a problem here at all.
The litmus test I used after finding SR was, "Don't put myself out doing something for him that any other grown man is able and willing to do for himself."
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: virgin islands
Posts: 145
Have you thought about moving your office?
Find a company or a friend that might have some space you can use part time for a small fee and then you "go to work" on a part time schedule so your spouse is forced to live up to their responsibilities. Could be a start.
Find a company or a friend that might have some space you can use part time for a small fee and then you "go to work" on a part time schedule so your spouse is forced to live up to their responsibilities. Could be a start.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
omg...you just described, in detail, my life with my XAH. Thank you for reminding me (on a day that I really needed to be reminded by the way) why I left....and what I no longer have to tolerate!....thank you thank you thank you!!!!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Please don't leave your children alone with him. Save the kids and yourself, get rid of the leech. Find a babysitter or daycare if you have to find care. Children don't deserve the punishment of being stuck alone in a house with an active A.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
hummmmmm so much I would like to say. So I will say welcome to SR and please read read and read.
I will ask what would you tell your kids when they get older and they are a similar situation? (hopefully not but what are they learning from his actions to them this is normal)
I will ask what would you tell your kids when they get older and they are a similar situation? (hopefully not but what are they learning from his actions to them this is normal)
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