Aellyce

This is something I'm sure many of us have dealt with at some point after getting sober. I'm reasonably satisfied with my recovery strategy so far and the effects of some of my old behaviors on other people are something I've recently been exposed to because I've been having lots of honest and deep conversations with my loved ones and other people involved in my life in the past couple years or more. Basically, I had to pull these things out of them, they never wanted to talk to me about it and just forgave me, but as far as I see now, not really since it really appears that some people were very hurt by my past actions. Mostly things I said, and not surprisingly, I have no memory of them or only vaguely, then I just swept these things under the rug...

How come I could get away with these things and not lose the trust and faith of these people?! Or gain it back so quickly? I feel this is unfair.

Some examples.
1. I'm in a long term relationship with my girlfriend and she's always been the most incredibly peaceful and accepting person. Of course I took advantage of it... We've been having lots of in depth discussions on our past, present, and future perspective lately. So she told me that sometime a bit over a year ago we had a work discussion (we collaborate a lot) and suddenly apparently I got angry and told her in an aggressive voice that what she's doing is *meaningless* and does not make any sense. This happened in the workplace in front of others apparently (my gosh...) and I'm sure I was not drunk, but probably hangover... yet no memory whatsoever. I'm certain she's not lying. Said that it hurt her very deeply, and I believe that because later on she kept saying about her work it's meaningless. I never understood it... Now turns out it came from me! And I get why it was especially hurtful, coming from someone (me) who always preaches about meaning...

I must have projected my own desperation onto her pretty unconsciously since it was clearly me whose life and activities were quite meaningless at the time, if I get the timing right it was during a badly depressed period of mine. She's kept incubating this so long, dwelling on it... but I'm glad I finally know.

2. I had many drunken calls to my father, and he expressed worries about me many times that he perceived from the phone calls intuitively. Then he would call me sometimes at night because he could not sleep with worry, and I would blurt out at him aggressively, saying some pretty mean things. Many of these I remember well, but with my current mind it's scary and we just talked about this a little. I would in principle love to share with him my alcohol problem (he knows nothing about it) but at the same time I think it's probably useless now and would just cause new unnecessary worries... not sure.

3. There are a few colleagues that worked their butts off for me during the times when I did not want to... to these I did express my gratitude many times and also shared with them some of my problems, but still that's no excuse... now they are as nice as one can be and I'm very ashamed in retrospect.

I know it's probably not useful to dwell on these past things for me, and I would not do it for me, I'm only thinking about them because of these recent conversations have made me realize how much I hurt them.

How do you guys and gals handle similar things? I realize that these are probably sort of mild things compared with what some other people on this board experienced, but this is my reality. I know one obvious approach is the 12-step program, which targets some of these issues directly. I've been to a few meetings but am somehow avoiding getting into the program really. Another thing is therapy, which I'm starting this week and am looking forward to it very much! And then these conversations with the people involved - it seems like it's most helpful for them to discuss and share their feelings with me now, and I'm more than willing.

I even know that I behaved in inappropriate ways sober, these I remember very well and always recognize almost immediately, but am amazed why people don't comment on it more? Why all this forgiveness?

Sorry about the very log post, I'll need to learn to express myself much more concisely.

ScottFromWI

Remove "probably" from your statement above and you have your answer ;-)

Seriously though, there is NOTHING you or anyone can do to change the past. It simply is not possible. How do you deal with it? By living today sober. And then doing the same thing tomorrow. People will see that you mean it and that you are more reliable, friendly, courteous, dependable, etc. Over time that will help you re-gain the trust of those around you.

Remember too that there are potentially some burned bridges that can never be repaired. You mentioned that it doesn't seem fair, but unfortunately life isn't fair. You have to have realistic expectations.

Soberpotamus

From what I understand, forgiveness is the healthy thing to do. People without addictions might find it easier to forgive. I certainly struggle with forgiveness as a recovering alcoholic. I'm sure the people who care for you and deal with you on a regular basis want to be able to deal with your behavior, and you're fortunate that they chose to deal with you in this manner.

If you're feeling guilty, you can make amends to them. And from what I understand that can be anything from an apology to a living sort of amends that entails correcting past behaviors and acting justly from here forward.

tim68

We've all been there. The old me at times when drinking wasn't pretty. You recognizing the behavior and what caused it is huge. Make amends if you feel the desire. Forgive yourself. Love the new you. Always look forward and not back. Your not going backwards anyway. The past is what it is. The future you have complete control of.

Best wishes!

biminiblue

Forgiving others and forgiving myself for being a bad actor whether straight or sober has been a huge lifting of burdens for me.

They may feel the same way.

Resentments are really toxic negative things. The quicker I release them the better goes my life.

Aellyce

Thanks, everyone. So yes also from these comments it seems the best approach is to view the past for what it was, learn the lessons if possible, and focus on the present and future. I usually do this, it's just these things hit me recently because I was exposed to one that sort of stabbed into my core and that brought up all the others in my mind...things I thought I'd already made peace with.

I do feel lucky and grateful for all this acceptance and forgiveness... Jennie I think it's true that addicts and people with some other mental health issues tend to find it more difficult to let these things go, probably because subconsciously we blame ourselves very harshly and our self esteem gets quite damaged by our issues. But of course this is an important area to work on - I know it.

I do like the idea of the amends a lot, especially in these situations that I mentioned, which in my case are really not burned bridges but my current and most likely future realities as well that I care about. But I agree that we should probably not overdo the amends, and not do them in a selfish and compulsive way. Don't think I would, luckily I don't seem to have much codependent tendency in me (at least not that one ) - I imagine that can complicate it.

So yeah, the best is to let these thoughts and feelings go. I think I can do that. I also believe, biminiblue, that the other people also prefer to let it go after discussing it as it's not constructive to anyone.

I do also have truly burned bridges in my more distant past (like most of us, I guess) but those are no longer an issue at this point and I'm not planning to revisit in any sort of active way.

Thanks again

Mentium

AA of course famously recommends making amends as one of the 12 Steps. That is unless to do so would cause even more pain. I'm not a great one for the Steps but I think if one has harmed someone because of alcohol abuse it is a good thing to apologize when you are getting sober and perhaps even try to explain. Having said that one should not dwell in the past. It can't be changed. The future can though!

freshstart57

I needed to forgive myself first and foremost. The only way I could do that, was to swear off drinking for ever, to quit, once and for all. Never do it again. Make a fresh start on a new life.

The rest I addressed when I could, when I made sense, or I just let it go. It has all gone pretty well.

Aellyce

Thanks a lot, again Friends. Many useful and helpful insights and pieces of advice.

I think I've become a little manic on SR (after similar tendencies in private lately) recently and I want to change that now.

Again, thanks for all the great pieces of advice on this thread and others where I showed up, sorry if I overdid anything, I will take a little break now but see you all afterward

AlcoholFree66

I can relate - my children and husband are so forgiving and loving. But I know I've hurt them so much. I guess I can show my love and make amends by being the best wife and mum I can be sober.

Thank you this post really ties in with a thread I just started.

Aellyce

OK, I think I need to do this better. Try to look for help, right?
Well, running away from SR is the last thing I would do.

I just feel very confused today. Not about drinking or using any drug now, much more about myself. This is closest description, and it's absolutely not first time in my life, much more something very familiar for me:
Mixed state (psychiatry) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, but I did not want to go to the first therapist in my life like this. I guess perhaps it's not bad, though, I believe he can refer me to the "right place" if need be.

Oh gosh........ why did I not start all this like 20 years ago??
Anyhow, I look forward to whatever will come of it.

AlcoholFree66

Well done haennie - stay strong

Aellyce

Thanks a lot. What I'm trying to do is to remember (and record = write down) as much as possible from these these weird states. Maybe my new therapist will find it interesting. If not him, perhaps a psychyatrist. Or anyone. Maybe just myself, later.

Anyhow, my gf is coming to take me to work tomorrow morning and then to therapy tomorrow.

freshstart57

This is the most reassuring thing I have read here in a long time, haennie. It is a true sign that you are on the right path back to health. You can do it.

Aellyce

Back from my first therapy appointment. Many things, but he said "you are a great conversationalist, much better than average, you should go out enjoy that and teach others how to talk, you will find that activity enlightening, let alone the ones listening".

Hmm....

Aellyce

I mean it was a great experience. Next week again.

Tomsson

I can imagine this... and it makes we think we all have things about ourselves that we should just be enjoying.

Vandermast

easy does it but do what you are doing..you are on the right path

Aellyce

It was quite profound in other ways, too, without having to get into the conversation between therapist and myself... Eg. my girlfriend (the one I talked about in the OP here) came with me to the office, joking all the way there like "what is this, you pay the therapists to psychoanalyze them...". She was referring to my interest and often Irresistible urge to try to understand others, true it's my hobby as well and my gf and I are both neuro/behavioral scientists. I've been having lots of doubts about our relationship also recently. But she is rock solid.

Anyhow, so I go into the therapist's office all excited - then ~an hour later (she waited for me) I walk out, try to make some small talk, and in a few mins burst out crying on her shoulders for like 40 mins as if there is no tomorrow. Last time I did something like this, and I remember vividly, was when I was ~16...

Guess this is going to work for me.

Kris47

Today is the day we have. Have Faith in it.