Sigh.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 76
Sigh.
Today, my SO has several appointments. One is this morning for individual counseling. Another after that for a suboxone doctor that (thankfully) got him in quickly. They usually take 2-3 weeks around here. And a third this afternoon with a gastroenterologist to start the process of treating his Hep C. He is meeting with a friend tonight who is in recovery, who wants to start getting him back into meetings, so he will be attending NA while I am in NarAnon tonight.
This should all be kind of good news, or at least a step in the right direction, but I just can't even feel good about it.
I am really wearing thin here lately. I feel so hopeless all the time. I can't focus at work. I really can't focus on anything. I'm just not sure how I'm going to get through the rest of this pregnancy or take care of a newborn in the state I'm in. I just want to cry, constantly. I know this isn't normal or healthy. I know I should let my midwife or PCP know about my constant feelings of hopelessness and sadness, because it won't go away and I never feel happy or relaxed anymore.
I was raised with a distrust of anything counseling related. It's sad to say, but I guess my parents were always afraid of CPS getting involved (they were involved with my sister, although that is a different, unrelated story and we have different mothers.) My parents never abused or neglected me. My mom is great. My dad was always an alcoholic. I guess they never wanted anyone to look at our family that close, if that makes sense?
When I was about 13, I went to my school counselor for help. I was extremely depressed and needed someone to talk to. They called my parents and after that, I just told them I didn't know what I was talking about, I stopped talking to the counselor and just acted like nothing ever happened. My mom was concerned, but eventually let it drop. I was a moody adolescent, that's normal right?
I would never be able to go into a doctors office or my midwife's office and say "I am depressed. I'm not just 'blue'. I need help." It is unreasonable, but I feel like I am asking to be placed under scrutiny or inviting CPS to be involved in my child's life once he is born. I know this doesn't make sense, but it really worries me.. I'm so afraid of having postpartum depression and not being able to care for my baby.
My SO's addiction has consumed my life and our relationship. I worry now because he's going to have to focus on his recovery, his counseling, regaining his health,(which is great, if he does!) and I am left behind kind of picking up the pieces. I feel like I am expected to just 'deal with it', but I'm running out of ways to cope. We are stuck under the same roof, as neither of us will have anywhere to go or be able to afford rent on our own. I'm under added stress also, since he's told his boss about his recovery plan as a part of a policy that allows him to seek recovery without being fired (Otherwise, he would be drug tested and fired immediately). They've asked him to take a week or two off, (because he operates a company vehicle, and it is a liability to allow someone who is using drugs to drive a vehicle...). We can't afford for him to take this leave. I don't know what we are going to do or how we are going to cover rent or any bills. My SO makes almost double what I do, and I can't do it by myself. A week or two doesn't seem like a lot, but it really is in the grand scheme of things. I cant pay our rent late again. I don't know what I'm going to tell our landlord.
I am not really sure how I am supposed to go to work or do any of the normal things I am supposed to do on a daily basis feeling the way I do. I feel useless and unproductive at work. Listless and inactive at home. I can't even convince myself to get up and run the vacuum or do the dishes. I have a friend from NarAnon I am able to talk to, but I just don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. The simplest tasks seem to take super-human effort to complete.
Please think a good thought for me in the following weeks. I do not know how long I can do this. I used to think I was a strong person, but I don't feel that way anymore.
This should all be kind of good news, or at least a step in the right direction, but I just can't even feel good about it.
I am really wearing thin here lately. I feel so hopeless all the time. I can't focus at work. I really can't focus on anything. I'm just not sure how I'm going to get through the rest of this pregnancy or take care of a newborn in the state I'm in. I just want to cry, constantly. I know this isn't normal or healthy. I know I should let my midwife or PCP know about my constant feelings of hopelessness and sadness, because it won't go away and I never feel happy or relaxed anymore.
I was raised with a distrust of anything counseling related. It's sad to say, but I guess my parents were always afraid of CPS getting involved (they were involved with my sister, although that is a different, unrelated story and we have different mothers.) My parents never abused or neglected me. My mom is great. My dad was always an alcoholic. I guess they never wanted anyone to look at our family that close, if that makes sense?
When I was about 13, I went to my school counselor for help. I was extremely depressed and needed someone to talk to. They called my parents and after that, I just told them I didn't know what I was talking about, I stopped talking to the counselor and just acted like nothing ever happened. My mom was concerned, but eventually let it drop. I was a moody adolescent, that's normal right?
I would never be able to go into a doctors office or my midwife's office and say "I am depressed. I'm not just 'blue'. I need help." It is unreasonable, but I feel like I am asking to be placed under scrutiny or inviting CPS to be involved in my child's life once he is born. I know this doesn't make sense, but it really worries me.. I'm so afraid of having postpartum depression and not being able to care for my baby.
My SO's addiction has consumed my life and our relationship. I worry now because he's going to have to focus on his recovery, his counseling, regaining his health,(which is great, if he does!) and I am left behind kind of picking up the pieces. I feel like I am expected to just 'deal with it', but I'm running out of ways to cope. We are stuck under the same roof, as neither of us will have anywhere to go or be able to afford rent on our own. I'm under added stress also, since he's told his boss about his recovery plan as a part of a policy that allows him to seek recovery without being fired (Otherwise, he would be drug tested and fired immediately). They've asked him to take a week or two off, (because he operates a company vehicle, and it is a liability to allow someone who is using drugs to drive a vehicle...). We can't afford for him to take this leave. I don't know what we are going to do or how we are going to cover rent or any bills. My SO makes almost double what I do, and I can't do it by myself. A week or two doesn't seem like a lot, but it really is in the grand scheme of things. I cant pay our rent late again. I don't know what I'm going to tell our landlord.
I am not really sure how I am supposed to go to work or do any of the normal things I am supposed to do on a daily basis feeling the way I do. I feel useless and unproductive at work. Listless and inactive at home. I can't even convince myself to get up and run the vacuum or do the dishes. I have a friend from NarAnon I am able to talk to, but I just don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. The simplest tasks seem to take super-human effort to complete.
Please think a good thought for me in the following weeks. I do not know how long I can do this. I used to think I was a strong person, but I don't feel that way anymore.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 76
Thank you...I wish I felt comfortable with either of those options. Although I have a wonderful family, they would do more damage than good in this situation, I feel. They want what is best for me, but have a tendency to over involve themselves. I don't know if that would be any better and I fear it will just complicate things further if I involve other people. I just can't shake the idea that I am inviting CPS into my life by talking to my doctor. I'm so afraid to go to anyone and I am so exhausted trying to pull everything together.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Please find yourself some help, NOW.
If not for you, although it should be all about you, for your child. Depression is not something that should be ignored and depression carried into the hormonal changes after birth can be debilitating. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help, it is a sign of courage.
I hope you can find your inner strength today and give yourself the time you deserve.
If not for you, although it should be all about you, for your child. Depression is not something that should be ignored and depression carried into the hormonal changes after birth can be debilitating. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help, it is a sign of courage.
I hope you can find your inner strength today and give yourself the time you deserve.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You are in a situation that would be depressing to anyone, add to that the hormonal sensitivity that comes with pregnancy and carrying a load that a mere mortal would find burdensome. That doesn't make it any easier for you to know that, but maybe it will help you see that this does not mean you would be a bad mother or that CPS should or could step in.
You are working and struggling to pay the bills, he is working on a recovery program that will hopefully allow him to become a responsible father and partner.
What would ease your load right now? Can your family provide you with some temporary financial help, to get you through the tough times before he goes back to work? Can you negotiate with your creditors and arrange a late payment schedule for a couple of months?
My heart hurts for you, you have a lot on your plate right now and I can hear your pain in your words.
Hugs
You are working and struggling to pay the bills, he is working on a recovery program that will hopefully allow him to become a responsible father and partner.
What would ease your load right now? Can your family provide you with some temporary financial help, to get you through the tough times before he goes back to work? Can you negotiate with your creditors and arrange a late payment schedule for a couple of months?
My heart hurts for you, you have a lot on your plate right now and I can hear your pain in your words.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Hi Bluebones,
Im really sorry your feeling so blue, beyond blue. You must be under so much stress right now, and anxious too over the new baby coming. I think a professional evaluation of your state of depression would be a good idea. It sounds like the experiences of the past are helping to drive this fear of CPS and privacy concerns for counseling? Sometimes when we are depressed we also become more anxious and irrational thoughts can hold much more power.
My counselor has told me in the past to examine my fears and even draw them out on paper if I need to. Many of the fears Ive experienced have been “irrational”, and when I look deeply then I can find what’s behind them and sort them out.
My husband has had really bad anxiety mixed with depression since the relapse. I know how devastating anxiety and depression can be. He has trouble sleeping too, and insomnia doesnt help anything ! I have a friend who is suffering from depression also and struggling with medications. Im not sure why Im sharing these things except to show this is something happens to a lot of people for many reasons, and its not a negative reflection on you in any way. I dont think the doctors will see it like that at all.
Im happy to hear he got a plan and wants to get back into counseling. I will keep my fingers and toes crossed he follows through !
Im really sorry your feeling so blue, beyond blue. You must be under so much stress right now, and anxious too over the new baby coming. I think a professional evaluation of your state of depression would be a good idea. It sounds like the experiences of the past are helping to drive this fear of CPS and privacy concerns for counseling? Sometimes when we are depressed we also become more anxious and irrational thoughts can hold much more power.
My counselor has told me in the past to examine my fears and even draw them out on paper if I need to. Many of the fears Ive experienced have been “irrational”, and when I look deeply then I can find what’s behind them and sort them out.
My husband has had really bad anxiety mixed with depression since the relapse. I know how devastating anxiety and depression can be. He has trouble sleeping too, and insomnia doesnt help anything ! I have a friend who is suffering from depression also and struggling with medications. Im not sure why Im sharing these things except to show this is something happens to a lot of people for many reasons, and its not a negative reflection on you in any way. I dont think the doctors will see it like that at all.
Im happy to hear he got a plan and wants to get back into counseling. I will keep my fingers and toes crossed he follows through !
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by BlueBones 
Thank you...I wish I felt comfortable with either of those options. Although I have a wonderful family, they would do more damage than good in this situation, I feel. They want what is best for me, but have a tendency to over involve themselves. I don't know if that would be any better and I fear it will just complicate things further if I involve other people. I just can't shake the idea that I am inviting CPS into my life by talking to my doctor. I'm so afraid to go to anyone and I am so exhausted trying to pull everything together.
get brave, and go to your doctor. dont suffer needlessly. cps does not take your children just because you are treated for depression. now it the time for this... you want to feel good when this little love of your life arrives. Its work enough, even when you are not depressed.
You are obviously here for help and support. Dealing with your SO's problems is surely wearing on you too. Do think about letting your doctor know how you are feeling. It is very common for people to have dealt with depression for their whole lives.. it runs in my family. and some of us fought and fought, and the ones who finally gave in, and got help, are so freaking happy now. finding life is Good. even with problems.
my best to you.
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
I felt like you do now up until 2 weeks ago. Someone told me to try a 12 Step program, I thought, great! One more thing I have to do because someone I love is a mess! I resisted, I fought against it. Until the day my depression became rage to get away from the mess.
The only place I knew I could go that would only cost me time was Al Anon. I expected nothing and got everything I didn't e enough know I needed. Now life is not just better, it is good because of what I am doing, not because of what anyone else is or is not doing.
Please, whatever you do, get help for yourself.
The only place I knew I could go that would only cost me time was Al Anon. I expected nothing and got everything I didn't e enough know I needed. Now life is not just better, it is good because of what I am doing, not because of what anyone else is or is not doing.
Please, whatever you do, get help for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
You can tell your OBGYN that you are depressed because your husband is sick. That's the truth. He's recovering from illness that is keeping him from working and the financial burden and worry that your husband will not be okay is too much for you to handle right now.
They will not take your baby from you or get CPS involved in your life unless someone feels your child is in danger. Being pro-active about normal medical issues is not endangering your child but helping your child have the best mom ever.
You have a lot to look forward to. Your baby will only be little once. Cherish everyday... and if you need to take meds after the baby is born then do what you have to do. Therapy is a good answer also.. (but I can't afford it myself.)
GOod luck!!
They will not take your baby from you or get CPS involved in your life unless someone feels your child is in danger. Being pro-active about normal medical issues is not endangering your child but helping your child have the best mom ever.
You have a lot to look forward to. Your baby will only be little once. Cherish everyday... and if you need to take meds after the baby is born then do what you have to do. Therapy is a good answer also.. (but I can't afford it myself.)
GOod luck!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
BB, I really feel for you. I grew up in an alcoholic home and there was an unwritten don't-talk-to-outsiders policy in our family, too. I look back now on times when my guidance counselor asked me if there were problems at home or teachers asked if they could help, and I always put on an "everything's fine" act. I was in my 30s before I sought out therapy because I internalized my family's rules. I have come to realize that I actually feel very sad and angry that I never got any help and wish I had done things differently. But accepting help as an adult has helped to heal that part of me that was still hurting from the times I turned away help as a child. It's never too late to change gears. Good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 76
Thank you all so much. It is so good to have kind words coming my way when everything else seems so gloomy. I am going to talk with my midwife at my next appointment and I am going to keep going to my NarAnon meetings.
It is hard to get out of a mindset once you are there. I really am trying though.
It is hard to get out of a mindset once you are there. I really am trying though.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Meetings helped me get out of myself more than anything else. Not just the support of the people there, but the fellowship after when we got together for a coffee and visit. Also, my sponsor worked with me and assigned me things to think about and then write about that related to what I was feeling or going through at the time.
It is just a good feeling, of having someone walking beside you all the time who understands how you feel, why you feel as you do, and the best part is they know how to get past it.
Hugs
It is just a good feeling, of having someone walking beside you all the time who understands how you feel, why you feel as you do, and the best part is they know how to get past it.
Hugs
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