horsegirl

Hi all,
short version . Left my dry alcoholic 5 months ago. After 10 years of the codependent / alcoholic behavior dance we shared, I had to save myself.
Problem is I cannot let go, I am addicted to him ! We have this great new dance , I see him and am good for a day or so then the crazy sets in , fear , obsessing, uncontrolable crying, aniety ect.. until I have contact with him again. rinse and repeat. My therapist spent an hour yesterday telling me I need to go cold turkey in order to heal and stop the codependency cycle/addiction I have. I told her no way I could go NC , she asked if I could do it for a month , 3 months? I agreed I can do it for three months. I texted xbf and told him I loved him but I needed to have no contact for three months and I would contact him after that. xbf texted back "OK Then" , he was mad I think? then 15 min later texts I still love you too. I did not respond to either OMG that was so hard! So day 1 of the three month challenge, I need prayers and support. My fears today are he will not want me after three months, he will find someone new, he will fall out of love with me. Thanks for reading ...

involved

Quote:[My fears today are he will not want me after three months, he will find someone new, he will fall out of love with me. Thanks for reading ...



I have already posted this today so forguve me... Check out these books!

Getting Them Sober: You Can Help!:Amazon:Books

Also I think that if you go no contact your body chemicals will get a break and maybe reset themselves... You need this! Good luck and just get thru it one day, one hour or one minute at a time!

SparkleKitty

I know it feels that in three months you will feel exactly the same way about everything as you do right now but a lot can change in that time. If you think of this no as time spent staying away from contacting him and instead learning to love to and nurture yourself no matter what anyone else does or thinks or feels, you may be surprised by all the wonderful changes that can come into your life. Good luck to you. Stay strong.

honeypig

And if that happened, horsegirl? If the "worst" came to pass? You'd feel like $hit for a while, you'd mope around and cry a lot, but eventually you'd dry your eyes and get on w/life. You would be OK.

I'd suggest reading here as much as you can--there is an amazing community of smart, resourceful, strong, wise, capable, brave folks here, willing to share their experience, strength and hope w/you. But perhaps the most amazing thing about these people is that they all started out in a similar place to you. As time went by, they took one small step, then another, and another. They slowly learned and grew and did what they had to do, did what they thought they couldn't. And they not only survived, they thrived, horsegirl! They are a constant source of inspiration to me, and I hope it's the same for you.

Here's a link to a thread that you might like to look thru: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

Wishing you strength and clarity.

dandylion

Horsegirl---another excellent book that is often recommended on this forum is "From Abandonment to Healing". I think this material might be very appropriate, right now.

Fears if abandonment can be very painful. I also suspect that you are still in the grieving process.

No contact is actually easier, over all than having intermittent contact. Each new contact is like pulling the scab off a wound that is trying to heal.

dandylion

NorthofWest

That was me. I was always afraid of walking away for good. I hd panic attacks at the thought of not having him in my life.

I finally walked away at the beginning of April. It was rocky at first as i kept checking his facebook here and there. But once i saw his mothers day post (which basically mocked me losing a pregnancy), i decided enough was enough, blocked him and was just done. It still hurts emotionally but less and less as the time goes on.

Pia

It sounds overwhelming but if you do your reading and learning and working the steps etc you will start to see through the fog. Ask as many questions as you like the SR community is here to help you and help.

The friends have given you some great advice it's up to you to decide what you are willing to do in your 90 days.

mejo

OMG, I know that fear. But I am living with that now (what if he replaces me and 9 years worth of working on us is down the drain?) just being seperated from my AH, and I bet if you really think about it you have that fear right now with contact?? Idk, you need to realize that it is a fear, not reality at this point. Deal with that fear so if it becomes reality (which I doubt it will) you can be strong enough to deal with that too. Easier said than done, I know, and I need to work on that fear as well. We will pull through whatever we have to!

Pia

my previous post makes no sense. I need a sentence/vocabulary checker.

I can tell you, I realized I have a hard time expressing myself in words and vocally because I have been through years and years of pushing my opinions down and thinking my voice didn't matter.

I recognize I tend to jump the gun and write because I feel I have to react fast when in reality I don't. This is what happened to me being obsessed for years..

I really hope you look at this time as Your time and not obsessing what he is doing.

horsegirl

Wow how you can write for help and complete strangers help ,this is a fantastic forum. I am going to make this about me , my higher power, family , friends and healing. I will look up the books you have suggested . Thanks so much all. Today is a good day. One day at a time.

inpieces314

It gets a lot easier, and it hits you quick, too, like one day, you realize that you were busy doing all of your own stuff and you didn't even think about him. Then you think, "wow, amazing!" There really is no other way to put it.

And the peace that you feel without having to deal with his stuff too, that truly is amazing. Without that drama, life is a lot calmer. For me at least, I have a very very stressful life-but going NC with the ABF made everything easier. I seriously did it for that reason, not that he did anything wrong (which was unusual) last year at one point, because the stress was too much to handle and I couldn't take him too. Of course, he did things wrong too-and the last time I went NC, I felt that relief and peace the second he was out the door. I didn't have to agonize about it for a couple days or weeks or whatever.

It really does get easier.

NorthofWest

^ it does!
The thought crossed my mind tonight....things arent so scary now that hes out-theyre actually good. Ive had a few people today tell me i seem a lot happier.

HealingWillCome

I feel your pain. But admire your recognition of what one 'fix' does for you. One phone call, one text, one whatever it is...only calms the pain temporarily until the need for the next fix sets in. Your therapist is a smart lady!

It IS hard, but it can be done. Find something to do or think about the INSTANT that craving kicks in. The longer you let your thoughts obsess about missing him or how wonderful he is, the harder the no contact becomes.

Something that worked for me..if you find you can't let go of a thought, journal. Write it down, spill it out, sort it out in words on paper. Give yourself five minutes and then move on. I used to have to do this, sometimes even during my work day just so that I could focus and get through the moment. You don't have to keep what you write. You can do it on a scrap of paper and then throw it away. Just get it out and then get rid of it.

horsegirl

Hi all,
Day two (please know I will not drive you crazy for 90 straight days ) ..
I can not beleive the peace I feel . Just "breaking" that cycle and putting my power back in my hands has given me relief. I have thought about what I did to xbf by asking for no contact, I need to let that go because I really do not know what it did to him and I have to take care of me. The old codependency is feeling a little guilty .
I will pray for him , ask god to help him in his struggle as well as mine. Right now that is the best I can do for him I think? All of you are amazing! I will treasure this time and thank my HP for bringing you all into my life.
Day two -- ok for today

honeypig

Thanks for checking in today, horsegirl, and even gladder that you're feeling so much better!

SparkleKitty

Please, check in daily if you think it will help you! No one here minds!

inpieces314

In case he decides later that he doesn't want to play the NC game, make sure you stick to your guns. He also needs this time to focus on himself, remember that.

Now you can do whatever you want to do and not feel guilty about it. I remember for me, it was stupid things like being able to watch what I want on tv (and mind you, it's my house, and I pay the cable bill) but I didn't have to worry about him complaining all the time. Simple things are the best to enjoy.

atalose

If you have to check in everyday to stay on track then that's what you have to do.

On Monday it will be 1 year for me since I have had no contact with my exbf. And I feel better then I have in years and years about myself and my future.

I think you just take each day as it comes and try not to look at that 3 month mark as an end. I think you will discovery allot about yourself, about strength you never though you could have, courage that has been lying dorment being over shadowed by addiction and hope that your life will be everything you want it to be.

involved

Hope your hanging in there today!

Stoogy

You post as much as you like, we all love reading how you are doing.